Today I went through my depression tag. Since old posts imported from Blogger don’t have the correct tags, I also searched my blog for “depression”, “depressed”, and “quality of life”, and tagged any untagged posts that were actually about depression.
I was sort of hoping to find a pattern, something I could point to as a potential reason. I don’t think I did. But I came across this:
Sean says that I tend to have periods of depression that eventually pass. I guess I’m in one of them now. I hate my job and the thought of going back in tomorrow makes me want to cry. The thought of not being able to find a new job does make me cry. I feel trapped and helpless, like I can’t do anything except commit to things I hate in order to have the money to make myself feel better by buying things and eating out.
Every time I try to start something up to better myself, I do really well at first, and then I just taper off until I’m doing nothing again.
This is horrifying because it’s from 2004. Apparently this type of feeling is not particularly new for me.
The self-loathing has obviously always been there. I mean. But it seems like I have known for over a decade that I have this cycle wherein eventually I lose motivation and feel trapped and helpless, and I haven’t managed to learn anything or do anything about it.
I hope the steps I’ve taken this year to address my mental health will help me.