Saturday, July 28, 2007 Stress posted at 1:02 PM For about two years now, I haven't really been myself. I think part of it is simply getting back on my feet, both financially and emotionally, from the fire. Whatever it is, it's meant that I haven't been comfortable, I haven't gotten into a routine...I simply live day to day with no long-term plans, ignoring everything other than what I need to deal with whatever's in front of me at the moment. I'm tired of that. I'm tired of not having any plans on the weekend. I'm tired of not knowing that an adventure awaits me in the near future. I'm tired of chugging through life blind and deaf to the wonders around me. So today, I took my first steps towards getting back to what I had before the fire. No, I didn't start a new diet or workout routine or buy a bike rack (though I think I will look into that later). Instead, I removed two stressors that have weighed on me for most of the last two years. They've always been in the background, and I've always known that I was supposed to do something about them, but I never did. And time passed, and they just seemed to get bigger and bigger, and I just kept avoiding them and feeling bad about avoiding them. This morning I woke up thinking that I would need to deal with those two things before I could move on to other things I need to do. I tried to figure out how I would do them, now that so much time has passed. And then it hit me. I am never going to move forward in my life if I don't forgive myself for the mistakes of the past. These two things...I am never going to do them. I had to come to terms with that. Not only that, but I had to make things right with the people involved. I had to definitively shut the door on these two stressors, locking them out of my life once and for all. So I did that as soon as I got out of bed. I don't feel infinitely relieved at this point, because there are still some things I do have to do, but without those two ghosts hanging over my shoulder, I feel better-equipped to do those other things. There is also, I think, one more thing I need to forgive myself for. But that one's even harder. Somehow, I have to forgive myself for something that wasn't even my fault. I'm not even sure how to do that. But now I at least feel like I can do it. Labels: fire, life [ comments (0) ]         Thursday, April 19, 2007 Bleh posted at 4:17 PM I'm feeling depressed and tired. I don't know if the depression is fed by the tiredness or vice versa or if they're just coexisting phenomena. Regardless, bleh. I had some strange dreams last night. In the first one, I was really upset about how much weight I've gained, and I was thinking that I would never be able to lose it without surgery. But I didn't know if I would ever be able to afford it. When I said this aloud, my mother immediately sliced open my belly and started cutting away parts of my organs. At this point I could see inside there, and it looked like how it looks when you cut fat away from chicken with kitchen scissors. I was thinking, I know you were a nurse, and I know you witnessed this sort of procedure before, but do you really know what you're doing? But I didn't say it. Then she was done, and I said, "This wasn't an official surgery, so I won't be covered if something goes wrong." I must have been so traumatized by the thought that I could die that that part of the dream became a dream, and I was telling Mom about it. "And so I thought to myself that I would never be able to lose the weight without that surgery," I said. "Well, duh," Mom responded, and pulled out my flat metal spatula. She promptly split me open with it and did the surgery, and I watched it happen the exact same way. This last bothered me so much that I woke up for real. Somewhere in there I also dreamed that my workplace was on fire. It wasn't my office as it is now; it was a narrower room. I ran into the smoke and started grabbing stuff. "I don't want to lose everything again," I explained, coughing. I managed to save several toys--all toys that I used to have at the old apartment, that were of course lost in the fire. One was my Darkwing Duck bank, and one was my Sailor Moon figure. It's kind of funny; I have never obsessed about losing those toys. Labels: dream, fire, health [ comments (0) ]

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