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Unnatural

I just heard that the baby of a cousin of an old friend’s husband has died. He was delivered early due to fear of infection, but the antibiotics didn’t save him.

It makes me scared.

Earlier today I got a strange phone call from my endocrinologist’s office, saying that my FSH was high and that I needed to go back for more bloodwork, and that then we would “decide what to do”. This was after my doctor had already called me to tell me that my FSH was “still a little high”, but was trending lower than it had been in January and February. I became too hopeful after hearing that, I guess.

36 is still high, I guess.

What if I get pregnant, and there is something wrong with my eggs, and the child isn’t fully formed, and it dies?

I don’t want that. I don’t want that.

It’s unnatural, what I’m doing. Replacing hormones. Trying to kickstart my ovaries. It’s unnatural and selfish. And now I wonder if it will bring anything but pain.