It occurs to me that I have severe martyr syndrome.
I am always describing my situation in a helpless “well, this is just how it is” way, tinged with sadness.
What is the purpose of doing this? Do I want people to feel sorry for me? Why? What do I want them to do once they feel sorry for me? It’s not like they can fix things. Do I just want sympathy? Do I want attention? Do I want my “victim” feelings validated?
If I am a victim of anything, it’s my own choices. I am not an actual martyr.
If I want things, I need to fight for them. More than just saying “It would be nice if…” and then giving up immediately when I hit any sort of resistance.
I seem to be so afraid to commit to things that I accept any excuse. “Oh, I can’t do X because so-and-so doesn’t want to. I will adjust to what they want instead.” Anything that I “lose” by doing this is my own fault.
I am not sure what to do about this realization.