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What is wrong with me?
posted at 1:22 PM  
Somewhere along the line I got overwhelmed, and I couldn't concentrate. I needed to be able to concentrate so I could work on what I needed to work on so that the deadline can be met. But I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't tune out the background noise of the office. I couldn't stop listening to what was going on. Everything that was said made me more and more frustrated, until I snapped at my coworker for paying me a compliment. It was like I couldn't handle any outside information.
Completely unable to function, I came home. And while I'm feeling a bit better now, I know that if I go back there, to the busy office where phones ring and ring and ring and the dispatch phone beeps and wails all the time and people speak in very loud voices, I will still not be able to concentrate, and I may very well go nuts all over again.
I don't know why I'm like this. I think maybe the overemotional part has to do with the hormones I'm taking. Maybe that's feeding the overwhelming feeling of a deadline I don't know if I can meet. But why can't I concentrate? Is that an emotional thing, too, or is that part of my personality? I have trouble concentrating a lot in the office. It's too loud in there, and I can't focus. Wearing headphones and playing music to myself to block everything out might work, but it would also be rude, and I would also feel like I was missing stuff. Maybe it's not that I can't cut out background noise, but that my personality doesn't want me to, because I'm obsessive compulsive?
Gah...whatever it is, I hate the helpless feeling I have when I get to the point where I can no longer function. I hate getting to the point that anything anyone says makes me so frustrated I could cry. (Like, "You know where you're losing [weight] now? In your face." Yeah. A nice thing to say, and I got so frustrated all I could respond with was, in a choked sob, "I'm in a bad mood." WTF?)
I just want to be normal, to be capable of handling things. Why am I so emotionally unstable?
I'm going to go watch Friends season 4 for awhile, then see how I feel about going back in. Robert needs me to do that data entry, come hell or high water. I will be working on it on Saturday almost definitely, given today's delay. Ugh. I don't want to go back today, I just want to go to bed and sleep forever. But, you know, when you leave everything until a week before the go live date, there's no time for weakness like mine.
Comments
I refer to what you're describing as the Rule of the Darkroom, because I learned it working in the college darkroom:
There are days when trying very hard to be productive is counter-productive. When you have the luxury, it's best to just take those days off and do something else.
It'll all work out... it always does, right?
I'd take the rest of the week off if I could, but we go live on Monday.
I think I will try to take a vacation after everything is set up, though.
Now, down to the business of learning this new software...
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