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Sticks in the mud

I am now eating:

  • One glass of sugarless raspberry juice
  • One large slice of pizza left over from dinner last night
  • We’re going out for sushi later, but I am soooooo hungry it’s not even funny. I don’t know if this is real hunger or what, but it’s giving me a headache, so I figured I should eat. And of course I immediately go for carbs…the quick rush of energy is more appealing than anything substantial. Oh, well. At least pizza has protein, too, in the form of cheese and pepperoni.

    I’ve been reading the PvP archives since last night. That comic is such a hoot. I like to paste links to the funniest ones into the IRC channel, but sometimes it occurs to me that I’m pasting links to every single comic I read. Really, the humor just works for me.

    Mari called me earlier to invite Sean and me to go with her, Kelly, and Chris Libby downtown for First Friday. I think it’s a sort of festival. Back in Lexington they had Fourth Friday, but it was pretty localized. There was one place, and you paid to get in, and there was art there to look at and a whole bunch of catered food. I never went, though I always thought it would be fun. This seems a little different, though; apparently all the downtown shops put out displays and there is food all over and lots of stuff to do. Sean didn’t want to deal with the traffic, and to be honest I didn’t feel like going out today anyway, so ultimately we declined. We’ll have our sushi instead, then spend the evening at home.

    We are really sticks in the mud, I think. We hardly ever do anything. Sean says he is only willing to do stuff on Saturdays and Sundays, and even then he likes to have a week’s notice. I can be a little more spontaneous than that, but since I’ve been married it just seems weird and/or lame to go places without my husband. I still go out on my own, but not as much as I used to. We even run errands together when we’re both home at the same time (i.e., when he’s not at work).

    This pizza is making my headache go away and my thoughts clearer. I don’t know what it is with me and food. Maybe I’ve psyched myself out so that I can only relax and feel better by falling into my bad habits with a vengeance. :>

    So yeah, sticks in the mud. Yesterday we had Sean’s old boss, Don, and his wife Suzanne over for dinner. Suzanne invited me to go with her during the week to volunteer in a special education classroom. I waffled around and finally said no; it was my first impulse. Part of it seems to be my natural inclination to never leave the apartment (even though I keep saying “I need to get out more”), and part of it was my timidity. I seem to be afraid of everything these days. I don’t feel like I can do anything. I have no confidence. I feel the most comfortable at home in my apartment, where I am in charge, and on the AMRN, another place where I’m in charge. The thought of leaving these two areas and going out somewhere else is vastly unappealing. It’s most pointed when I think about getting a new job. I’m so insecure in my abilities–to be honest, I don’t even know what I’m qualified to do–that I can’t sell myself, and most of the time I don’t feel like I want to work anywhere anyway. It’s new people to meet, new rules to learn, and I’d be starting at the bottom. It just all seems scary and uncomfortable to me.

    So instead, I’m just sitting around in a rut, turning down invitations to go out and do things with other people and staying at home on the computer.

    This doesn’t seem healthy.

    I hate housework. I would love to have a job that took me away from that. But I love the AMRN. I love what I do there. I love chatting to AMRN people about the game, and coming up with new ideas and implementing them. I love the writing. I love how fast-paced it can get when you have a group of people all online at once and they decide to RP together. It is just so much fun. There are times when it feels like work, but on the whole, I feel like I wouldn’t want to be doing anything else.

    It would be extraordinarily cool if I could get paid to do something similar to what I do on the AMRN.

    I am a content editor, a manager, a producer, a writer…I don’t know exactly how I would define my role. I like being in a position to do what I can where I can and when I can. I like having the freedom to make choices, and the responsibility to take care of business. But ultimately I like participating in the community.

    Where can I find something like that that will actually earn me an income?