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Patching holes in the dam

Vertigo said something interesting to me last night.

[20:04:36] <Vertigo_V3> now that I think of it, maybe making you Admin might not have been the best for you. You sound more like you want to create (in this case, write) storyline, more than enforce storyline and continuity

I can agree that half of that is true. Enforcing storyline and continuity has been annoying. Not because I hate organizing–I love organizing!–but because it seems that whenever I suggest an opinion, everyone assumes it is law and the discussion ends. I don’t know if it is my position that causes that, or laziness on the part of the other GMs.

They are lazy. We all are. And this is another sticking point for me. I hate coming up with a plan of action only to have it fail because I’m the only one working on it.

The second part of Vertigo’s comment, though, is not entirely correct. At this point, I can’t imagine wanting to write story. I think it’s because I can’t stand working in a system that can be improved. It grates on me, little by little, until it is fixed.

That is really why and how I became Admin in the first place. It wasn’t that someone decided I should have the job. It was that I was already doing the job.

I started out as a mere player, but as I branched out and learned more about how the system worked, I became a part of the system. And as I grew and continued to learn as a player and GM, I started to suggest changes. In time I was a Head GM, and by that point I was updating the website and adding content and trying to figure out ways to make the RP easier for everyone. It was belatedly decided that I was another Admin, and that’s fine. I can understand needing a title to demonstrate that I have the authority–beyond just being Hellfire’s girlfriend/wife–to make the changes I want to. I did not have this position thrust upon me. I took it, because I saw things that needed to be done and I wanted to jump in and do them.

Now, I look at the AMRN and all I see is what is wrong with it. My efforts have improved things, no doubt. But there are so many other things that are flawed. The system as a whole is not a well-oiled machine. It is a gaggle of people who do what they can (and want to) randomly. There is no consistency. I sometimes think the place only functions because I am there to hold it together. (It would go on without me, but questions would go unanswered, GMs would be unsure of their territory/ability, and there would likely be either lots of uprisings or lots of quitting. Having a single person watch over and take care of everything seems to add stability.)

With the state the AMRN is in, I don’t think I could just go back to writing story and not administrating. I need to be there to keep the place civil and functional. But that task completely turns me off to writing plots or even just to playing. I’m tired of things not working, and I don’t feel like subjecting myself to it anymore. The AMRN needs an overhaul that I am not capable of implementing alone. There are people who have offered to help, but everything goes so slowly in a volunteer/hobby community. I think continuing to GM or even play in this state would drive me nuts.

I guess it could be argued that I should try to relax and enjoy myself so that I don’t give myself a heart attack stressing about the game…but to be honest, other than a few spurts and fizzles here and there, I haven’t found writing for the AMRN fun in a long time. Posting seems like a big hassle now. I think it’s because I know that with the current system, my posts probably won’t lead anywhere unless I force them to. I would have to hijack the game and bend it to my own will to get anything meaningful accomplished. That may be why I clung to GMing for so long…because I didn’t want to go back to a point where my writing had no effect whatsoever on the overall story.

And so for now, I think I’ll just content myself with patching holes in the dam while I wait for the others to help me build a newer, better one.