What is wrong with me?

Somewhere along the line I got overwhelmed, and I couldn’t concentrate. I needed to be able to concentrate so I could work on what I needed to work on so that the deadline can be met. But I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t tune out the background noise of the office. I couldn’t stop listening to what was going on. Everything that was said made me more and more frustrated, until I snapped at my coworker for paying me a compliment. It was like I couldn’t handle any outside information.

Completely unable to function, I came home. And while I’m feeling a bit better now, I know that if I go back there, to the busy office where phones ring and ring and ring and the dispatch phone beeps and wails all the time and people speak in very loud voices, I will still not be able to concentrate, and I may very well go nuts all over again.

I don’t know why I’m like this. I think maybe the overemotional part has to do with the hormones I’m taking. Maybe that’s feeding the overwhelming feeling of a deadline I don’t know if I can meet. But why can’t I concentrate? Is that an emotional thing, too, or is that part of my personality? I have trouble concentrating a lot in the office. It’s too loud in there, and I can’t focus. Wearing headphones and playing music to myself to block everything out might work, but it would also be rude, and I would also feel like I was missing stuff. Maybe it’s not that I can’t cut out background noise, but that my personality doesn’t want me to, because I’m obsessive compulsive?

Gah…whatever it is, I hate the helpless feeling I have when I get to the point where I can no longer function. I hate getting to the point that anything anyone says makes me so frustrated I could cry. (Like, “You know where you’re losing [weight] now? In your face.” Yeah. A nice thing to say, and I got so frustrated all I could respond with was, in a choked sob, “I’m in a bad mood.” WTF?)

I just want to be normal, to be capable of handling things. Why am I so emotionally unstable?

I’m going to go watch Friends season 4 for awhile, then see how I feel about going back in. Robert needs me to do that data entry, come hell or high water. I will be working on it on Saturday almost definitely, given today’s delay. Ugh. I don’t want to go back today, I just want to go to bed and sleep forever. But, you know, when you leave everything until a week before the go live date, there’s no time for weakness like mine.