(In case you missed it, I underwent something of a moral dilemma in the comments on my Terri Shiavo post. I think it’s important to let people know that, even though I have no idea what to think now, and I’m frustrated by my inability to have informed opinions. And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming.)
As I’m sure you’re all aware, I’ve been going through a lot emotionally. I have come to a decision; all I’m waiting on is the proper time to act. I was thinking this morning that I don’t seem to do anything until it gets so bad I can’t stand it anymore. I seem to prefer a horrible situation to leaping into change. This paradoxically conflicts with one of the biggest decisions of my life, my marriage to Sean and consequent move away from my home. It also conflicts with my impulsive nature, my willingness to drop everything to take trips. I think maybe in some ways I’m punishing myself for my impetuousness. Maybe I feel that there is something wrong with enjoying a life in flux, that I should buckle down like everyone else and “pay my dues”. In other ways, of course, I am afraid of taking risks out of fear of failure. I’ve had a business idea for at least a year now. Have I truly acted on it? Other than a few discussions with a couple possible business partners, no, not really. I know as little about my market as I did when I came up with the idea. I’ve done no research into the materials and labor I’ll need. And while one big reason for my inaction is that I feel trapped by the lack of startup capital, it’s not like I have been searching for ways to build up capital, either.
I have striven for complacency, putting up with more and more and more in the name of stability. And I’m at the breaking point.
There are specific details about why I am unhappy with my current situation that I would like to write about. I mean, I would really like to write about them. I want to recount certain things that were said to me. I want to express how inattentiveness and lack of organization and a severe misallocation of resources due to illogical priorities have contributed to the decline of what could have been something great. I want to explain to the world why I am ashamed now to have my name associated with this venture, and why I want to divorce myself of it as soon as I possibly can.
However, I don’t know how much I can actually say. I don’t know what constitutes libel, and what could possibly get me sued. So for now, I would just like to state that this is it. There is no changing my mind now.