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Characters of the Tragic Skywalker Soap Opera*–revealed!

MSN has a really cool “Star Map” that shows each major character in the sextology (AHAHAHAHA sextology*, so THAT’S why there are six movies!! okay I’m done) and their relationship to the films. So, for example, Jabba’s lifeline starts at the beginning of Episode I, and ends shortly into Episode VI. (Note that the lifelines for characters who probably die in Episode III just sort of fade away–guess they’re avoiding spoilers, for now. I’m personally hoping Jar-Jar’s line will end in a nice fat dead dot, when it’s all said and done.)

Anyway, it’s a neat map, but (as usual) someone forgot to copy-edit. Example:

Gunray was never prosecuted for his crimes and when the Amidala was captured by the Empire her execution was scheduled to take place in front of him.

Um, I don’t think “the Amidala” was captured by the Empire, but thanks for playing.

That’s the most blatant example, but there are all kinds of goofs, like the fact that C-3PO’s entry includes far too many uses of the phrase “wound up”. There’s also this:

On Endor, Leia met Wicket W. Warrick, who helped enlist the Ewoks in their struggle. The Rebel Alliance defeated the Empire and Leia learned that Luke was her brother. She and Han Solo were married.

Nice little conclusion there! But it’s too quick–it seems either that they were married immediately on Endor (I don’t remember that from the movie!), or their wedding was a foregone conclusion, nothing to worry too much about. (Given the horrible, horrible, out of character pain they had to go through in order to get married [click that link, but don’t buy…please], I resent any implication that their wedding was quick and easy.)

Lastly, check this out.

A notorious smuggler, Han won his ship, The Millennium Falcon, from Lando Calrissian in a sabacc game. He modified the ship, along with his Wookiee first mate and co-pilot Chewbacca, to be one of the fastest in the galaxy.

As I said to Hai, “So wait, he modified Chewie to be one of the fastest in the galaxy?” Hai rejoined, “It gets lonely out there.”

1. The term “tragic Skywalker soap opera” was coined by David Germain of the AP. I still can’t get over it.
2. “Sextology” is not a real word. But it’s far raunchier than “sextet”, so it gets a thumbs up from me. Two thumbs. Up the ass. Okay, I’m really done now.