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Owning my experience

I’ve been having a strange feeling lately. Not physically, but mentally.

Today I had packed a lunch, but I haven’t felt like eating my packed lunch for over a week. So I left the office without it and drove to Martintown Road thinking I’d look for the Meineke place, because my brakes are making terrifying noises. I drove towards Highway 1, and ended up on it, and discovered an antique mall…so I stopped there and wandered around for the rest of my lunchbreak.

I saw several very nostalgic things. First, I saw a “vintage luggage” set that was the same design as Mom’s old set, a suitcase and a toiletry case. I had that toiletry case at Springhouse, so it was lost in the fire. The luggage wasn’t exactly the same; it had a sort of tan/white swirl color instead of the beige of Mom’s. But it was so close that I was tempted to buy the set.

Not long after that I came across a plate that was the same pattern as a set of four I’d gotten at a yard sale. Those too were lost in the fire.

And on my way out I found my old Wal-Mart imitation stained glass lamp. It was exactly the same as the one that used to be in my living room.

I saw other things that were familiar, things that were identical or close to identical to items that still exist at Mom’s or AJ’s or Ben’s.

It was kind of odd to find my memories in an antique store.

I left without buying anything. As I strolled back through the parking lot to my car, I said aloud, “Something’s up with me, and I don’t know what it is.” Then I frowned and added, “Maybe I’ve reached that point. I don’t want to have reached that point.”

That point, gentle reader, is the moment when I’ve figured everything out, and life settles into boring normalcy.

If I have reached it, that could explain the feeling of restlessness I’ve had lately.

I don’t know everything, but I certainly know enough by now to be able to get by without thinking. And honestly, isn’t that what I’ve done for the past couple of days?

Of course, lately I’ve been so tired that I haven’t wanted to think.

It’s not true that I haven’t continued to learn and come up with new ideas. It’s just that I seem to be less enthusiastic about it all.

I think that partly it’s just coming down from the initial high, and getting used to working more than full time. After all, this is the first time in my life I’ve ever worked so much overtime. All of my previous jobs have been less than full time, actually.

I’m not bored. If anything, I look towards the future with a sense of exhaustion at the thought of all the projects I have yet to complete.

But I’ll do them, little by little, and I’ll learn proper time management.

I stayed late at work. It seemed more relaxed once I was alone in the office. First I finished up my normal duties…and then I randomly decided to rearrange my desk.

I shoved my monitors apart and put the PC between them, then put the speakers on top of the PC. I moved the phone from the left-hand side to the right-hand side, and I shifted the scanner out so it can be used (assuming I can get the driver to work). I put my calendar on the desk in front of my chair so I’ll use it more often–there wasn’t room before, because of the monitor footprints, but now that they’re arrayed to either side at an angle the calendar fits perfectly. The scanner is where the calendar used to be, and next to it is my pen holder and paper tray, and then the laminator. I put the stapler, tape, and staple remover in a desk drawer because I hardly ever use them. My little business card holder moved from the top of the PC to the left corner of my desk, next to one of the monitors.

I felt strangely refreshed after that.