I bought a new shirt yesterday. Weirdly, it smells the way my college boyfriend used to when he’d get home from his shift at McDonald’s.

Can’t really explain that. Think they have a McDonald’s in the sweat shop cafeteria?

The shirt also represents defeat to me, because instead of actually looking like something I would wear, it’s big, black, and mostly formless. It’s my way of finally admitting to myself that this new second tire around my midsection isn’t going away, that it causes all my cute shirts to ride up, that I am obese and embarrassed.

I keep thinking that I need to do something. But it occurred to me recently that maybe I haven’t been as proactive in life as I thought. I was at lunch with a person I’m still getting to know, and one question spawned a rehash of my life story. Everything’s connected in my mind. At first I thought that was just how it was, but now I’m wondering if it’s because everything I’ve done in my life has been reactionary.

I’ll get into this in more detail later. The point is, have I ever really managed to be consistently proactive? Or is my life simply a series of fits and starts and falling back into old habits?