why did he die?
life was just happening like normal
and then suddenly it’s like
okay your dad’s dying
okay your dad’s dead
(you watched him die)
seeing a picture of a backyard, not even your backyard but close enough, makes you want to cry
mother’s day makes you want to cry
you think about father’s day coming up and making some sort of happy father’s day post with a picture of his cremains because that’s all that’s left, right? that’s funny, right?
all these plans, all these what-ifs, they weren’t supposed to be needed so soon
mom planning to move
no more backyard, no more basement, no more house
it’s all gone anyway, everything’s gone, everything’s changed
you said things you can’t take back and ruined it all
you want to erase this entire year, almost
no, you do, you want to erase it all, even the good stuff, because it’s overwhelmed by all the bad stuff
you’re so selfish
and everything’s about you anyway isn’t it
everything that happens to anyone else, you make it about you
specifically, about how you are Wrong and Different and a Failure
how you don’t fit in and never will
how you should disappear
but it’s not even about you, it’s about them, even when you’re hating yourself you’re fucking self-centered
and you think about how you are when you drive
and how arrogant you are with other things
and how you’ve been blaming it on inheritance, but it’s yours, those are you, you’re the one doing them
every day you choose to be pathetic.