This is the update for Tuesday, April 7.
It wasn’t a great day. I didn’t go on a walk…I’ve been avoiding it ever since my walk at the river where there were five billion people around me. I also only took two pictures, and they were both of my dinner.
At lunch, I wrote:
I just want this to be over.
This morning I let myself sleep in for 20 minutes. When my timer went off I didn’t get up and I didn’t reset it. Fortunately I was awake enough to finally force myself to get out of bed. It helped that I had to pee.
Today has been the worst in terms of focusing on stuff. I feel like my brain doesn’t work. I’m taking Friday off, but I don’t know how much that will help.
Today’s food:
- Cottage cheese
- Boiled egg
- Chocolate chips
- Hillshire Snacking Bistro Board
- Sweet tea
Around mid-afternoon I started to spiral into depression, but I was able to talk myself back out.
Here’s what I wrote on my private Twitter account, for posterity:
WOW I am not doing well at all!!!!
Instead of posting the bad thoughts I am going to post constructive coping-mechanism thoughts.
I am feeling bad because I am frustrated and afraid due to events outside of my control. This is normal. I am trying to learn a new job while dealing with this and that’s really hard.
I hate not being able to go places. I hate feeling trapped. But I can get through this, and I don’t have to do anything except shelter in place safely to be worthwhile as a person. I am doing good things like sleeping enough and making meals and showering like usual.
I am loved even when I am hurting and even when I am not doing anything for anyone else. My existence has value. People making fun of people like me on the internet says nothing about my worth. They don’t know me. And they are probably frustrated and afraid too.
I can learn my new job. It will come in time. And eventually, this crisis will be over and I will be able to go places again. I will be able to check out all the hiking trails on my big map that I haven’t been to yet. I’ll be able to go to St. Augustine again.
The best thing is to just enjoy what I can enjoy, take breaks when I need to take breaks, and be kind to myself.
WOO, I was on the verge of sobbing uncontrollably when I started writing and now I am not. So that’s good.
I have Skills with which I Manage My Depression
It miraculously worked. I’m always surprised when it does, enough that it’s always a fight to actually use those coping skills. Anyway, well done, me.
After work I decided to make real baked potatoes. I found a recipe on AllRecipes and did it: scrubbed two potatoes, pricked them with a knife, rubbed them in olive oil and salt, wrapped them in aluminum foil, and baked them for an hour and a half. When they were done I baked some frozen shrimp and cooked some peas on the stove. I had my potato with butter and cheese, and it was delicious.