Shelter-in-Place: Day 128

Days seem interminable now. Work is exhausting. Going on virtual walks and playing trivia with coworkers has helped break the tedium a bit. I wish I could have someone come stay with us for a while, just to have a different person around.

I’ve had several days recently where I just could not bring myself to cook dinner. Sean has been very sweet on those days. He is always very sweet, despite my extreme moodiness. I hope if he is feeling bad that he has an outlet. I try to be as sweet as possible to him too.

I’m tired of bras. I am not comfortable going completely bra-less outside the home, but I would love there to be some sort of compromise. Something in the middle that’s supportive enough but not as painful. Like…a half bra. I don’t know. In desperation I bought some of those sticky things that are supposed to hold your boobs up without a bra, but I don’t like them at all. My breasts don’t look right with them on and it hurts to take them off.

Just Shoot Me has gotten kind of obnoxious, with most of the characters being selfish jerks. Usually there needs to be something redeemable about a character for me to care about them. Sean is tired of it too.

I watched the first two Back to the Future movies last weekend and Part III Friday night. I love III, but I was feeling terrible, so really it just sort of averaged out to “meh”.

I’m trying to nip some writing insecurity in the bud by simply…not thinking about it too much, but as I haven’t really had the brainpower to write at all this week, thoughts keep coming back about how I don’t compare to others. There, that’s the thought acknowledged. Now I’m going to let it pass through me and begone.

Playing Wii Sports Resort has been nice. I have totally lost my ability to play Frisbee Dog, which sucks, but my bowling and table tennis games are getting better. Someday I’ll reach my old high scores in all of them…it’ll just take awhile.

I’ve also been playing Zuma again, but I started where I left off years ago, which means I was at a pretty high difficulty level. Yesterday I was in the 9s and I kept losing a certain round over and over again until I was finally out of lives. Sigh. At least I can start from the beginning and work my way back up, I guess.

The third game I’ve been playing a lot is Words with Friends with my mom. I decline all other challengers and I wish I could turn off all the other challenges and whatnot. I just want to play with Mom and that’s it.

For a while there I was playing a game called The Arcana, which is more like a Choose Your Own Adventure book than a game really. It’s lovely and has great music and the story is intriguing, but it’s also very expensive, and so I stopped playing it even though I haven’t seen all the possible storylines. I really can’t justify regularly paying $40 for in-game coins. (You can technically play without using coins at all, but you won’t get to see some of the story paths, and you also won’t be able to collect all the nice picture cards.)

I still haven’t put the LED strips in the china cabinet, but I did frame those three art prints I ordered custom mats for. They look great. I think I will hang them in the office; for now I just have them lying on the guest bed below the wall where they will probably go.

All the stuff we were afraid would happen when 45 got elected has been happening, and people in power are just…accepting it, acting like it’s normal, validating it by treating it the same way they treat every other “political issue”. I’m too tired to get into everything. If you’re from the future and you’re reading this, I hope you have access to complete records of what happened, and I hope you realize how horrible it was. I hope things are better for you than they are now, and that we have found a way to educate people so that this doesn’t happen again. But right now, I’m not very hopeful. It’s another thing I just try not to think about.

At work, there have been anti-racism discussions at various levels (company-wide, division-wide, organization-wide, etc.) at least once a week since George Floyd’s murder, so that at least has made me feel a little spark of hope. I hope other companies are having similar conversations. A lot of my fellow white people still seem to be in the “well I’m not racist; what else am I supposed to do?” stage, which is frustrating as hell, but at least they’re starting to listen now. It’s been very powerful to hear leaders, especially white leaders, say out loud that it is not enough to just “not be racist”. (Eventually I hope they get to the point where they realize no one can ever be sure they don’t harbor subconscious racism, and that’s why you have to constantly examine your thoughts and actions. Surely we’ll get there.)

I started writing this yesterday, but we had a thunderstorm and I shut down the laptop and then I didn’t feel like getting back on it for the rest of the night. I realized that I haven’t watched Chihayafuru season 3 yet, which is ridiculous, so I binged a bunch of it before bed. I love these characters so much and I wish Chihaya, Taichi, and Arata could be a romantic triad. They’re all just so good together. I’m not looking forward to the day when they “grow up” and Chihaya “chooses” one of them, sigh.

Anyway, that’s enough of an update I guess. Just trying to get through the days as they come.