Giving up

I’m at a dangerous point right now, where I want to give up and run away from many things. Primarily I want to quit my job, but yesterday I started feeling discouraged about exercise as well. I don’t want how I’m currently feeling to screw me up, but right now it’s so easy to just want to stop worrying about working or exercising and just lose myself in books and anime.

Yesterday, between Harry Potter movies, Mari, Brooke and I went bike-riding. The two of them have been riding much longer than I have, and they both ride more frequently than I do. They also do other exercise, like walking or going to the gym. I am way behind both of them in terms of fitness.

I was successful in not letting this get to me until yesterday, when we rode down a different way on the bike trail. There was hardly any coasting to be had; it was all pedaling, and by the time we got back to the regular stretch my legs literally would not move. It was like the muscles didn’t want to function. I could walk fine, and I wasn’t particularly out of breath, so this was extraordinarily annoying to me. I felt like the Supreme Wuss of Wussonia.

So they went on, and I headed back towards the apartment, just wanting to die.

When they finally got back, they were panting heavily and glowing and smiling. As they talked about what a pain their ride had been, I was so jealous. I wanted to be pushing myself to the limit, going further. I wanted to be able to ride my bike really fast over 7+ miles, and then grin and complain about it. Already I was feeling those old familiar feelings…I should have been able to do that. I just quit because I’m a baby. I’m so lazy and stupid.

“Someday I’ll catch up to you guys,” I said, trying to bolster my spirits, but it really didn’t work. I’m back at that point yet again where I realize I’m not the best at something and that it will take a lot of work to catch up. This is the point at which I usually stop trying…at which I give in to my self-brainwashing. Too fat/stupid/ugly/lazy/untalented/boring to do what I feel like I want to be or should be doing.

It seems like I keep being faced with these huge challenges, and my emotions are warring with themselves over every one of them. Do I stand and fight for the first time in my life? Or do I continue to run?

How many times have I had this conversation with myself?

1 comment

  1. Original comments from Blogger

    Anonymous said…

    You know, if after you got back to the main trail, your legs were aching so bad they could barely pedal the bike anymore, I’d say there’s a good chance that you DID push yourself to the limit. It’s like anything else – every time you do it, you’ll be able to go a little farther. Rather than be upset with yourself for not being able to stick out the entire ride, be impressed with yourself that you didn’t run off at the first bead of sweat on your brow – that you DID last until your body simply couldn’t do it anymore.

    Monday, May 31, 2004 1:11:00 PM

    Anonymous said…

    ::points up:: he’s right.

    if you got to that point, then you were pushing yourself. very few people willingly push themselves to the point where their muscles no longer respond. you’re problem isn’t a lack of stamina, it’s perspective. you were watching your friends go farther, and failed to recognize your own accomplishments.

    i quote: “The two of them have been riding much longer than I have…” well, that tells you right there that there’s nothing to be worried about. work your way up to it. don’t expect to keep up with them from day one. that’s the point of working out with someone better than you; you now have a goal and a partner who knows what you’ve been through. they can help you get through it. as long as you realize that the opponent to beat is YOURSELF, not THEM.

    Monday, May 31, 2004 1:20:00 PM

    Anonymous said…

    Hey Sweetheart!!

    Oh, Heather!! I’m sorry you felt that way after riding yesterday; that makes me feel awful!! :( Don’t get discouraged, and don’t beat up on yourself, my Darling Gumdrop! You yourself said that you’ve not been riding as long as we have, so don’t let that bring you down, or hurt your feelings; believe me and the muscles in my legs and ass–IT JUST TAKES TIME..

    You of ALL people, Heather, can accomplish ANYTHING YOU WANT if you just put your mind to it!! :D

    We could have modified the way we were riding to better accommodate you, my Little Cabbage; now I feel as though I’ve ended up being party to your discouragement which is NOT something I would EVER want to do to ANYONE, especially YOU, my Dear!! I’m passionate about riding, and want you to be able to enjoy it just as much! If you’ll go with us again, I PROMISE to be more sensitive to how YOU’d like to approach riding, and we’ll still have the best of fun, while you impress yourself seeing how much you really CAN do!! :) Remember, as your friend said above (I must paraphrase on account of my bad memory) focus on the positives and what you have accomplished for yourself!!

    Don’t get discouraged, my Baby Parakeet; there’s not a person on this planet who can do the things you do, the way you do them, so keep that in mind, as well!!

    Hea Hea, I love you, Girlie!!
    Monday, May 31, 2004 4:36:00 PM

    Heather Meadows said…

    *onomatopoeia for parakeet chirping*

    Thanks, guys :)
    Monday, May 31, 2004 6:28:00 PM

    mari said…

    Everyone else is right, but you know that. You know that the only reason Brookie and I could go further is because we’ve been doing it longer and more often, you know that you did a great accomplishment by going as far as you did. You are also probably the most competitive person I know. :) I’m going to echo what everyone else here said, in this case you’re competing with yourself, and beleive me you won. Remember when you could only make it as far as the first bridge and how out of breath you were then? You have come way beyond that in such a short time. :) *hugs* Besides, if you ever feel like giving up or that you’re being left behind or any of that, let us know, we can all stop and take a break before heading out again or stop and go do something else. The best part (for me) of hanging out with you and Brookie is hanging out with you guys, not what we actually do. But I’d still rather you didn’t give up on bike riding, because I know you don’t really want to give up. Like I keep saying, I promise it gets better when you get used to it more.

    and besides, heres some fuel for your competitive soul, you kicked all our @$$es three times over with your bowling scores, so there :D
    Monday, May 31, 2004 6:31:00 PM

    Matt said…

    Heather Meadows! If it bothers you so much that you can’t keep up with them, then don’t. You SHOULD keep exercising, but find something that’s YOU and YOURS. I have never been able to work out with others or in front of others. I’m not a physical person and, evern if I start exercising at the same time with another, then they’ll always surpass me in ability. That’s why I do things on my own. And I don’t keep up with it much, but I do enough that I can tell that I’m better off than if I hadn’t done it at all. Have you tried yoga? If it’s making you miserable, then find a program that’s all your own (you should probably get out of the house doing it) and then swap war stories with these friends. You don’t have to exercise WITH someone to benefit socially from exercising. Plus, I know why you want the benefits of exercise, but your honor in this life is your mind, wonderful thing that it is. I’m of the opinion that you’ll be a better adjusted person and far happier if you learn to embrace your scatterbrained-ness. I know that’s not what the gurus say, but I’m far more comfortable with myself and more successful since I learned to say, “You know what, the world doesn’t move at my place. I’m unique in it and if the world wants the benefits of what I have to offer, then it’s going to have to learn to accommodate me.” You’d be surprised how accommodating the world can be if you show it that you can work and produce really wonderful stuff if only you’re allowed to work outside the box. I think the world would be terribly supportive of you if you’ll just ask it for some flexibility. Quit beating yourself up because your not fitting these cookie cutter molds that the world has created. You’re special. You will always have a restless mind. Create an environment where you can be you. Now, I want you to go to your local library and check out Richard Lewontin’s “Triple Helix.” You’ve got too great a mind to be reading books that tell you what your philosophy should be. Read this book and think about how this evolutionary theory mind be applied to mental health. Really. This book was very influential in me developing my own philosophy of life. Think about what Lewontin has to say about the way species don’t fill “niches” but how they create their environments. Think about that. PS: It’s a short book, maybe 150-200 pages.
    Monday, May 31, 2004 8:27:00 PM

    Anonymous said…

    I think you did really well… as some of the others said, it’s a matter of perspective. It’s good that you’re trying so hard and the main thing is to get a work out and have fun at the same time. Y’know, most of the time, I can’t even work up the will to exercise… “me too lazy”, to quote my friend. One reason is because I tried to do it alone. On the other hand, you have friends to work out and have fun biking and doing other recreational activities with. That’s good! And I can see that they’re really giving you support. ^_^ Don’t give it up! And I’ve decided to get off my butt and signed up for yoga ^_^ Go you! Go me!
    Tuesday, June 01, 2004 10:26:00 AM

    Anonymous said…

    Bleh… that’s me up there, btw

    – Dawn
    Tuesday, June 01, 2004 10:30:00 AM

    Anonymous said…

    If it helps, Dawn, perhaps I speak for the rest of the readers here when I say that the cat emoticons kind of gave you away.
    Tuesday, June 01, 2004 1:52:00 PM

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