Well, I didn’t fall on my face.

My butt was pretty damn sore, though. I always forget about bicycle seats. They are truly the tool of Satan.

Just watched Star Trek: Nemesis for the first time. It was pretty good. It was actually a movie, instead of a two hour episode. You’d think that I could quantify why, given that I took two whole film courses in college. But I’m not entirely sure what the difference is, although I do think that in general the following factors had an effect: there were more things going on than you’d usually have in a two hour episode, a lot of stuff happened very quickly, and a main character died. There was the typical beginning with the group assembled like family again, but it didn’t go on monotonously forever, and all of a sudden we were thrown into the action. I think that definitely changes the experience.

There were also several emotional things going on at once, including Deanna’s mental rape experience, that were not plunged into and explored laboriously as they might be in an episode. I suppose the following comparison can be made: episodes are like chapters in a book, while movies are like short stories.

I dreamed about adoption last night, I guess. There was an alcoholic man who was trying desperately to give away his son. The boy was a real cutie, with spiked blond hair, and I guess he was around Connor’s age. (Didn’t look a thing like Connor, though.) I took the boy and we got along famously. It was just weird. I explained it in the dream to some skeptics with a speech about how I understood why the alcoholic had to give up his child, and why that made me feel that I should take him. The rest of the dream was me carrying the boy around and talking with him. He was really sharp. We discussed all kinds of things, which of course I can’t remember now. Dreams are silly like that…I don’t even know what the boy’s name was.

Then today when I was leaving Publix I saw a woman and a cute little toddler, and I almost started crying. I winced and grimaced and told myself to stop letting it affect me. Because that’s really what it is. I’m allowing myself to be in pain.

Lately I’ve been thinking that I would really like to buy a house in North Augusta, to be near my friends and to start a more “mature” part of my life, but today I started wondering if getting a house would be too painful without children in it, or if I’m thinking of a house as a substitute for a child. I don’t know. I feel like I want to do things that pretty much require a house, like garden, and have a guest bedroom, and have cookouts, but at the same time I wonder if I’ll feel weird about it knowing that there won’t be any little ones to fill the larger space. Maybe I’m just leading myself towards more pain.

I don’t even feel like I’m expressing this coherently. There’s so much in my head that refuses to come out. I guess…I just want to know. For sure. And once I do know…I want to make some sort of plan.

I always try to tie things up tidily and explain them away. So there you go, emotions; get over yourselves. I am so incoherent right now it’s not even funny, and the more I write, the less sense I make. I need to just stop writing now.

1 comment

  1. Original comments from BlogKomm

    you did great on the bike. :) Better than I did my first time on a bike in years. We have to do it again soon. Dreams, I think, can sometimes be really powerful way sof our brains dealing we thoughts we can’t face in our waking ours. I very very rarely remember mine. Adoption is one of the things Kelly and I talked about when we started hinting around the possibility of maybe someday having kids (yeah, this conversation came up a good bit after we were married, long story). Its really just a means to an end like no other, when you raise a child and nurture it, its yours, whether it came out of your womb or not. I’ve got a neat coworker who adopted years ago through one of the hospitals in Augusta, I think it was University, and contrary to popular belief, it didn’t cost an arm anda leg to adopt. Since they di dit all throug hthe hospitla, they actually didn’t have to pay a penny.

    But, I’m rambling and its late. I’ll hopefully see you tomorrow :)
    mari, 05.05.2004, 11:20 pm

    I’m not sure why I didn’t feel up to answering this post when I first read it, but I didn’t. So here I am now, responding. Hopefully you’ll see it, Mari!

    Thanks for your thoughts on adoption…I hadn’t thought about doing it through a hospital. Is it more difficult to be selective about the birth parents when you do it that way?

    I agree, about dreams. I think dreams are really interesting, and so I like to try to remember mine when I can, and tell people about them.

    As for doing great on the bike…well, you didn’t see me get off and walk! :D
    Heather[@][H], 05.11.2004, 7:02 pm

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