I just want my moods to be balanced. I don’t know if they ever were before, but even if they weren’t I don’t think they were quite this bad.
Yesterday I felt slightly ill and I went to lie down. My subsequent nap was seemingly filled with horrible dreams, and between the dreams I tried my hardest to wake up. It didn’t work. I would think, “Okay, I’m sitting up now and opening my eyes,” and it wouldn’t happen. I would instead go into another dream. It was only after what seemed like hours of this that the noise of lawnmowers outside pulled me through the haze. I blundered awake, stumbled to the bathroom, and tried to figure out what the hell was going on. I felt lost.
Later, Sean and I were discussing the car–it will cost a lot to fix. In truth, he was venting about the car, but I was I guess too vulnerable to be able to let him vent to me, so I was quiet for a long time, and everything he said made me feel unhappy and desperately angry.
A few hours later in the chat, strangely, someone mentioned an in-joke from a couple weeks ago, and I could not stop laughing, literally. I laughed so hard I cried. I felt myself about to go over the edge crying. I managed to stop, but at the same time it felt so good I just wanted to run off to bed and sob until I was too tired to sob anymore.