An explanation of my mood

Some of you might have been a little concerned by my tweets a little earlier in the evening. Thought I’d give you an explanation.

Tonight was Brooke’s last night in town, and we met up downtown for First Friday. That sentence makes it sound a lot easier than it actually was. I found a parking space and called her, and she had parked on the other side of downtown, so I moved my car and then walked, and then decided I didn’t like where I’d parked the second time so I walked back and moved it again, and finally headed down to the area of Elduets Treasures of the World, where Brooke had met up with Mari.

The whole time I was walking up there, all I could think of was how socially crippled I am. I did not want to be there. A few times I was on the verge of tears and I didn’t know why. I felt stupid and uncool and overwhelmed.

I think a big part of it was that I’d had a long day and a long week and didn’t really have the energy for a night out. Usually when I go out at night I need to be rested. I’m the type who spends all her energy on preparing and then is totally worthless at the actual event. So it probably wasn’t a good idea to try to go, really.

I was also a little disappointed that we weren’t doing what we’d originally planned, which was something far more my speed: sitting at home watching anime. And that made me feel even more like a loser–if I was a regular person, I’d be fine with going out on a Friday night and enjoying all the happenings downtown.

So all of that made me keep thinking more and more depressive, self-pitying thoughts.

I felt a bit better after having a chili dog. I probably shouldn’t have eaten it, but it was comforting (and delicious).

Brooke and I are actually on the phone right now talking about how the night didn’t work out the way we wanted. She’s going back to England tomorrow, but she’ll be back in five weeks, so we’re both looking forward to that.


  1. I’m not always an “out and about” type person either…I have to be in the right mood to enjoy it. I think American culture tends to be prejudiced in favor of extroverts…i.e. if you’re not enjoying yourself around lots of other people, there must be something wrong with you (but in reality you prefer solitude to crowds.)

  2. In my early twenties, I was a gung-ho party-going, party-having, have-to-be-out girl. Now, I really prefer to be at home, unless I’m out seeing a movie or having a meal with a small group (read: maybe four, five, tops) of friends. And, most of the time, I can’t even enjoy that because I’m trying to figure out what basics I will have to cut out that week to cover that casual excursion out.

    You’re not alone there. And, from reading your most recent tweet, I really understand. And, boy howdy, do I *ever* miss my mom’s unconditional love.

    Feel better! Be well!

  3. Awwww!! I’m so sorry it all turned kind of pear shaped! And since I didn’t have much internet access while I was home, I didn’t see your tweets.

    Thankfully we did work it all out on the phone. I always try to fit in as many friends as possible when I’m home for as short a time as I was. It’s really hard for me that the vast majority of my friends are all in the US, and I really miss y’all when I’m not there. Therefore, when I get home to visit, I always want to see EVERYONE.

    I know that I’m just naturally more outgoing, and love wandering around downtown anyway, First Friday or not, so I didn’t realize the extent to which you didn’t care for it. I certainly wouldn’t knowingly ask ANYONE to do anything that made them uncomfortable, as that clearly did you, and I’m still sorry that you felt that way. :(

    I’m a pretty reasonable person, and I’m certainly not going to fault someone for letting me know how they truly feel about something, so next time let me know that you don’t like my idea –it’s NOT going to hurt my feelings– and I’ll gladly do something else. I’m pretty easily entertained, no matter what’s going on, and I’m ALWAYS HAPPY when I’m around my friends. ;)

    But, all that said, I’ll be back in 5.5 weeks, and as we’ve already happily agreed, we’ll remedy this visit’s situation then. :D

  4. Chuck: Yeah. When I’m in a larger group, or in a group with people I don’t really know, I tend to just watch and not say much. But when I’m just with a couple of people I’m close to, I can get crazy and silly and just relax and enjoy myself. Not sure why that is.

    Merujo: I have never been a partier. I've always loved entertaining–having people over, preparing food and games for them–and I've always loved going in a small group to things like museums and restaurants and the ballet and opera. But being lost in big crowds has never made me happy. I find zero enjoyment in bars and clubs, place where you have to shout to be heard and can easily get separated from the people you came with. I'm starting to wonder if it's because I'm an insufferable egotist, and I require people's attention ;>

    Brooke: I understand. I tend to not want to speak up because I know your time here is limited, and I want you to be able to do the things you want to do and see the people you want to see. I don't want to guilt-trip you into doing what I want to do. But the selfish part of me wants you all to myself, so it's hard. I do want to talk with you about it more.

  5. I’m sorry you weren’t comfortable with First Friday. It was good to see you guys out there even if it was only for a short bit. I tend to not like the bar scene much either. Its not so bad at First Friday if you wander with friends taking in the art and performances and then have dinner downtown somewhere and leave before the lame/drunk bar scene gets started much :D

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