Category: Diary

Whenever I get my new bike, and if I manage to get another Fuji Cambridge, I’m thinking I’ll name it Fujiyama, or Yama for short.

I only really have one home at this point, and that’s my parents’ house. In a few minutes, I’ll be leaving for a visit. I’m coming back on Saturday, because David’s coming into town on that day, but I really think I need this. I think it’ll give me some perspective, and also room to relax. I love my in-laws, and they have been so great to us, but I’m not comfortable here, and I’m tired of feeling like a horrible ingrate. I think maybe if I go someplace where I am comfortable for awhile, I’ll be able to return refreshed.

So, I’ve packed the little old blue suitcase someone gave us, and when I’m done with this post I’ll pack the laptop bag, and I’ll throw some snacks and drinks into my lunchbox and be off.

I don’t know why I always thought I was, but I’m not. I don’t know how to even begin to get to a point where I can deal with life.

Things can only get better from this point, right?

I am realizing that I really haven’t built much of a life for myself.

What do I have that I can call a life? I haven’t owned any experience. The things I cared the most about and put the most effort into were all home-oriented. And now my home is gone. I have nothing else. I didn’t create anything elsewhere.

All I seem to want to do is have my own home, and to work to make it mine, and to fill it with children and care for them. I have no interest in anything else except returning to Japan. I don’t care about finding a new job. In fact, the idea of finding a new job just makes me feel like a loser. Can’t get a job, and when I do finally get one, can’t keep it. I don’t really want to go through it all again. Especially since I can’t think of one thing–one thing–that I would even want to do.

I’m just stranded, adrift, with nothing but Sean to cling to. And he’s got his own support structure, which, while it includes me, is not limited to me. He can sit in the bedroom for hours and play his game. Meanwhile, I wander from room to room looking for something to occupy my mind, and finding nothing.

There have been a lot of tests lately.

Sean said not too long ago that we were lucky that we weren’t living in Japan when the fire happened, because we wouldn’t have had a support structure to help us get back on our feet. I thought that was a ridiculous statement. If we’d been in Japan, the fire wouldn’t have happened to us at all–we didn’t cause it.

It occurred to me today that if we had been in Japan, the fire probably would have still happened, but to someone else. Would the people living in 09I have been home? Would they have awakened? Would one of them have thought to pull the fire alarm?

When we ran out front, there was a guy standing in the yard just staring at the building. I have no idea who he was or what he was doing there, but he hadn’t pulled the fire alarm. And no one else woke up until the alarm went off and the firemen started beating on doors.

The only casualty in the fire was a gerbil. If we’d been in Japan, would people have died?

This is about the only reason I can think of to be glad that we were there.

I’m on my laptop before work for the first time. Usually I watch TV in the mornings, but today Reid is asleep on the chair in the living room, so I’m back in what used to be Sean’s old bedroom and is now the workout room, my laptop sitting on the head of the treadmill. Well, it’s kind of like a desk.

Have you ever seen Return of the Jedi?

You know the part where the Ewoks start worshipping Threepio as a god?

The mini-fridge in here rumbles in exactly the same pitch progression and timing.

I was thinking just now about how I don’t really feel like going to work, and that reminded me of Shel Silverstein’s “Sick”. This in turn reminded me of The Light in the Attic, the collection of Silverstein’s poems that I gave to Sean while we were dating. I took the time to write in the front of the book why I was giving it to him and which poems meant something to me about my childhood.

That, too, is gone.

I get the feeling that I’m going to just keep thinking of things and listing them here. Maybe that’ll be the “scrapbook” that one commenter mentioned awhile back.