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Diary

Reflection

As you might expect, I’m going through a period of questioning. Is there something wrong with me? Do I truly have any skills? Is there any job at all that I 1) would be good at and 2) would enjoy? Do I care too much about enjoying my work? Why do I have so much trouble focusing on boring tasks? Do I need to be on medication? Is there any way I can learn better time management skills?

I’m really just shooting in the dark here, because I don’t know why they fired me, but I think it might have been that they were unable to see what I was accomplishing. Part of that is my fault for not showing them, but part of it is their fault for not asking. I was never given deadlines or any indication of expectations, and I (apparently foolishly) assumed this meant I was free to decide for myself what needed to be done and then present my work to them when I was ready for it to be seen. I would have had something ready next week, I believe.

Did they just decide that I must not be the right choice because I hadn’t managed to pull a website out of my ass in three weeks? That’s very possible. I’m sure there’s someone out there who could do it. Maybe they just wanted to get rid of me and find that person.

It’s frustrating that I wasn’t able to finish the project. It’s hard to just walk away from something that’s incomplete. I keep thinking of things to do that might help or make it better, and then remembering that I’m not working on it anymore. Creative projects are like that…inspiration seems to come at inopportune times, when you’re thinking about something else, rather than during normal working hours. I was hoping that if I plugged away at it for long enough something would come out, and I’m pretty sure something good was coming, but now I’ll never know.

At this point I am really turned off by the idea of web design as a career…mainly because I don’t want something like this to happen again. I feel that I’m slow at it because it’s not something I truly enjoy. I like making designs, but doing them all the time is so draining. I feel that I’d like design to be something I do occasionally–and web coding something I do very occasionally–rather than having those things be the primary focus of my job.

To be honest, right now I feel that I would rather have an easy job that doesn’t require much brain power. That makes me feel lame, but it’s true.

My job at 2go-Box spoiled me and made me egotistical. Maybe the purpose of this job was to knock me down about a trillion pegs, so I’d be on the same level as normal people.

I don’t really know what I want to do now.