What is it?

I’m trying to figure out what has caused this downward spiral in my health.

My initial reaction was to blame it all on emotional distress from the fire. While that may be a factor, at this point I don’t think it accounts for everything. After all, I was still riding a bike after the fire. As soon as I was able to get one, I rode when I could while we were still living with Sean’s parents. Back then I didn’t have full time work and was able to do things according to my own schedule, but I was also healing emotionally, and I also didn’t really have a place to call my own…so I wasn’t as vigilant as I had been, but I was very eager to get our own place so I could get back into the swing of my life.

I got my current job around the same time we moved into this apartment. At first I was going on walks or to the Y during my lunch break all the time. I knew I wasn’t in as good shape as I once was, but I was determined to get back to it.

But something happened and I didn’t stick to it. Why did I stop working out at lunch?

Sometimes I wouldn’t take a lunch. And then I got into the habit of eating out for lunch, which meant I had to have time to pick something up to eat, which meant I usually didn’t think I had enough time to work out as well.

Also, since we’ve lived here, I’ve only been to the Canal once, and I haven’t biked the Greeneway at all. For some reason I’ve felt like it was too much trouble or it took too much time. But that makes no sense. At the old apartment, I had to lug the bike up and down three flights of stairs, and I did it without complaint. Here, all I’d have to do is walk it out the door. So why am I not biking before or after work, or on the weekends for that matter?

And why do my weekends solely consist of sitting around on the computer and/or watching DVDs? Why don’t I go places anymore? Every Friday I think, “I want to do something this weekend,” and then every Saturday and Sunday I think, “I’ll do it later,” and then it’s Monday and I haven’t done anything.

Is this horrible out-of-breath-all-the-time thing a product of my slow decrease in activity? If so, how did I let this happen?

Or is my slow decrease in activity caused by being out of breath all the time? Is there something in my environment maybe that makes me less desirous to move around? Am I allergic to something in the apartment, or at work?

I don’t want to just assume I’m a victim of my environment. Obviously I’m going to ask my general practitioner about this when I seem him in another week.

This is all just making me so mad. I can’t draw a clear line of how this has happened to me–how I’ve let myself go this badly.

The more you do, the more you are able to do. The more you do it, the more you are able to do it.

The less you do, the less you are able to do. The less you do it, the less you are able to do it.

Is that all there is to this? Am I where I am now because my laziness gradually grew? Because I stopped packing lunches and cooking dinners? Because I never “feel like” taking the bike out for a spin?

How can I correct this if I get winded after thirty seconds of mild physical activity?

I will find out more when I see the doctor again. I hope I can figure something out.