Category: general

Sam said something tonight on IRC concerning a character of mine that I would like to immortalize.

<Ironside> But Celia has legs a guy could suck on for a week.

So…yeah.

He’s actually referring to a picture that Barricade edited, originally from a Korean video game called Magna Carta. Here is his version of the pic. He also says that the line is a movie quote…but what a line. I was like o_o…

…a whole week…yum…

*cough*

Anyway, it’s from The Naked Gun, a movie I love, but actually haven’t seen in its entirety. I should go rent it :>

And that’s about it for that.

My current blog entries–or lack thereof–would indicate that I haven’t eaten food in awhile, but that is not actually the case. Yes, I’m afraid that I have been lying through omission, and so now I will come clean.

Last night I ate:

probably four ounces of roast chicken

1/2 cup peas

2 cups garden salad with 2 tbsp ranch dressing

1/2 cup green seedless grapes

I also had two Slim-Fast shakes, one of which was regrettably made with some whole milk, as I have exhausted the skim milk supply. Later on in the night as I grew more despondent and bored, I ate

one fat-free yogurt

and

one Slim-Fast snack bar

I’m pretty sure that’s all the damage I did, though.

My only meal today consisted of:

one thick piece of buttery garlic bread

three bites of spaghetti, taken before the realization that the meat was pretty old and didn’t really taste all that great

1/2 cup salad with a smidgen of ranch dressing

one quarter pounder with cheese

one medium fry

one medium Dr Pepper

After the fiasco that was the dinner I’d slaved over for a whole hour (gasp!), Sean and I ran out to Checkers. I felt ill for a little while, but it soon passed. (I swear, my mutant power is the ability to digest ANYTHING. This is, perhaps, not so much a power as it is a curse.)

As I ate my lovely burger and fries (and drank that lovely cup of caffeine), I began to feel much better. In the chat room I was bouncing off the walls, and as you can see below I was also playing Dynomite. Too. Much. Fun. I didn’t beat any of my high scores, but I was really enjoying myself. I was also talking out loud. For example, when the game said “Uh, Whirley’s coming!” I would respond, “Come on, Whirley! Let’s be friends! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Then, of course, I would whack him. Other comments included “Dammit,” “Shit,” and “AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

Somehow Celine Dion’s song “My Heart Will Go On” came up as a topic for discussion in the chat, and so I pulled out my old, dusty mp3 and gave it a listen. Such a good song. After that I started waxing sentimental about old pop music I used to listen to, so I played several mp3s from Madonna’s Ray of Light album. I really loved that album for awhile; back at GRW I used to listen to it all the time. That and Ace of Base’s The Sign.

Right now I’m listening to Donna Lewis’ “I Love You Always Forever”. I was living in Huntsville when this song first came out. At the time I was somewhat infatuated with one of the guys taking ground school with me out at this little podunk airport north of town. He had this dark, musty look to him…he looked like he had some good stories to tell. And he was always going on adventures. In fact, eventually he stopped coming to ground school because he’d not only 1) gone to Germany but 2) fallen in love with a girl he’d met while there. Guys like that just fascinate me. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship with one…but then I don’t know if guys like that are stable enough to have a long-term relationship.

In any case, whenever the Donna Lewis song came on, I would picture his face in my mind…and when she sang the line “You’ve got the most unbelieveable blue eyes I’ve ever seen,” I would think “green”…because boy, did he ever.

I have long operated under the assumption that my computer is good enough to play games on, should I ever feel the desire. Now, though, I have to seriously question that.

Today I was listening to an mp3 in WinAmp and running all my normal programs–AIM, ICQ, mIRC, and IE–when I decided to play Dynomite. I opened the program and began playing. I had gotten pretty far into the game when suddenly the game jerked and stuttered just as Whirley was going by. I missed him, which seriously annoyed me. Soon I decided to quit–I don’t like playing the game with the extra egg color. It gets too hard to differentiate in my peripheral vision.

So I closed the program, and then I got to thinking. Why did it hang? So, as an experiment, I did CTL-ALT-DEL and watched the CPU usage as I played another game.

The results?

Sean says it looks like Dynomite is rendered in 3D. That’s all well and good…but it still irks me that I should need a faster processor just to play what is essentially a 2D shooter.

Yup. Computer stuff. More specifically, his computer stuff, which he had taken to work so that he could install his new motherboard.

Crazy…

He says that one of his coworkers looked into the case and said, “Jesus, Sean, it’s immaculate!” Yes, that’s my husband. He builds the tidiest computers known to man.

Sean just called to ask me if I was “decent”. I suppose that’s a testament to my laziness; a lot of the time when he comes home I either am still wearing my nightgown, or lounging around in a towel after my shower. Today, miraculously, I actually have clothes on. Apparently he is bringing some stuff home that he will need help in carrying upstairs. I’m not sure what it could possibly be, but I’m sure it’s something to do with computers, or work, or maybe it’s books that he hadn’t brought to the apartment yet. In other words, something boring ;)

Sam made a pretty good suggestion last night. He said that if I manage to drink a Slim-Fast instead of actual food, I shouldn’t have to write a post about it. He said to think of it as a reward. I do believe I will follow that idea, because all these posts are driving me crazy.

I haven’t eaten anything yet today, but I just sucked on a piece of hard candy–cherry-flavored–so I suppose I should write something.

I have been up since around 2:30, when FedEx stopped in to drop off Sean’s new motherboard. (His RMAed motherboard, since the one he’d bought was bad. And speaking of Sean, he just got home. Yay!)

Well, I ended up leaving this open while I went and made dinner. We’re having:

two hotdogs

macaroni and cheese

squash

green beans

I’m also drinking some really tart sugar-free pink lemonade. Mmmm.

I think when I write my story for this, it will be about the wedding, or the honeymoon. I really need to cover those topics.

For now though, I’m going to eat. ;D

I love Penny Arcade.

I am now convinced that I have an oral fixation.

There is no possible way that I could be hungry. No way in hell. In fact, I feel that if I ate something, I would become nauseated. The mere thought of putting food in my mouth right now makes my entire body protest.

And yet–for some inexplicable reason–I want to get something to eat.

It’s not like I have anything in particular in mind. I just feel the urge to munch. Even though the act of munching would make me feel like puking.

WTF?

I’ve believed in my oral fixation for awhile now. After all, I am always putting things in my mouth. I never chew on pencils–that’s gross–but I do play with clumps of my hair, brushing them with my fingers and then putting them into my mouth, holding them there and then blowing them out with a poof and starting over. I also like to always have something to drink nearby, whether it be soda or water or sugar-free juice. Whatever’s on hand. The reason I keep trying to stop drinking soda is because I can easily imbibe 500+ calories a day that way without noticing. Of late, water doesn’t seem like enough. It seems too empty, too boring. I always seem to want some sort of flavor. It’s quite detrimental to a balanced diet ;P

What do you do when you have an oral fixation? Is there a way to deal with it other than just keeping water on hand?

Paul’s party was pretty fun. As usual, his large family was there. I don’t know all of their names yet; I’ve never been good with names. It’s part of being antisocial, I think.

Here are the ones I do know. First, Paul’s mother Sue, who is half Japanese and thus knows how to make all sorts of great Japanese food. She is married to Barney, who is thus Paul’s stepfather. Sue has a daughter, Mickey, who is older than Paul and pregnant. She and her husband Bart were in attendance. Then there are Paul’s younger siblings, April and a boy whose name I can’t remember unfortunately. I am not sure if they are Sue’s children with Barney or Barney’s children with someone else or what. My severe lack of knowledge is pretty sad.

Then there was Sue’s brother…and I can’t remember his name. He and his wife Trisha and their daughter and Trisha’s parents were there. I know Trisha and her father from “yard-saling”; Sue invited me along one Saturday morning and I got to watch their bargain eagle eyes in action. So it was cool to see Trisha again; she’s nice. I don’t remember her daughter’s name. There was a baby there named Katie or something…I couldn’t figure out if she was Trisha’s daughter or her daughter’s daughter o_o

That is about all I can remember. There was a whole slew of people in the next room, too. A teenage guy, and a young girl with a little black chihuahua (at least, I guess it was a chihuahua), and I think some adults…too many to keep track of X_O They’re a pretty clannish group, and I feel honored that Sean and I are considered part of the family, so to speak. Still, it is a bit overwhelming to have all those people around at once, especially since I don’t have history with any of them. (Heck, having my own extended family all together at once is overwhelming.)

Anyway, we arrived and walked right in without knocking, waving to the crowd in the living room and moving to the kitchen. I feel the most comfortable in there; not really sure why. I grabbed a plate and loaded up with the goodies I mentioned in the previous post, while Sean declined dinner and waited for dessert–his burger and fries had curbed his hunger. Too bad I couldn’t say the same…but even if I could have, I would have eaten something so as not to be rude. o_o

Dinner was good, and the cake and ice cream were delicious. The conversation was typical for that group, meaning no-holds-barred anything-goes commentary. Mickey and Bart’s sex life was discussed, and when the little toddler started looking down her shirt, Trisha crowed, “See anything you like down there?” Their openness is always amusing to me, and it’s usually a little more than Sean can handle for any extended period of time. We managed to cut out after a little over an hour; we stayed long enough to watch Paul open his presents, then split. (By the way, if you are dying of curiosity, we gave him money. We figure that’s better than any other gift to give a bachelor, living on his own, who was just laid off.)

So that was it for our outing this evening. My husband is a total homebody, and I’m not much better. Left to our own devices, we might very well crawl into a cave, never emerging except perhaps for sushi and burgers. Perhaps.

Faye just shared some pictures and movies with me of her kids. “Her kids” is such a strange way to refer to them. I feel a connection with Connor that goes beyond “my brother’s son”, I think. I was there when he was born and I watched him grow up, seeing him probably 80% of all days after they moved in behind Mom and Dad’s house. I’ve watched–and helped–him turn into a little person. When I look at the pictures they send to me now, I can imagine him moving and speaking, and I even feel like I have an idea of what he’s thinking. He’s Connor. He’s my very special Connor-boy who I love very much. I miss him.

Seeing the pictures and movies brings me two distinct sensations. There’s the missing Connor, definitely. But then I see Logan, and I get a different sort of pang. I look at his face, and I do not see a child who looks like Connor (as everyone else keeps saying). I see a totally separate individual. An individual who I do not know. My new nephew is a stranger to me…so even though I can look at his pictures and say “how cute!” it is not the same way I look at Connor’s pictures and say “how cute!” It is a different kind of appreciation. It’s more distant. I sometimes feel as though I may as well be looking at the child of a distant relative.

In a way I suppose I am, given the many miles between here and home.

Every time I think about this, it strikes me how unfair it is to Logan. Connor got to spend the first three years of his life knowing his aunt, being his aunt’s best buddy. He formed a special relationship with me that can never be duplicated. Could never, even if I was local. But Logan has no chance of forming a relationship of his own with me. Not on anywhere near the same level.

It hurts to think about that.

I mean, Gabrielle has three kids now. She just gave birth to her own second child, Laef (pronounced “Layf”) Marcus Follmer. But I don’t feel bad that I’m not there to watch Laef grow up. I feel a distant sort of regret about it, but it’s nowhere near the same feeling I get thinking that I won’t be part of my brother’s child’s life. Logan is AJ’s son, just as much as Connor is. I want to be there to watch him grow too.

There is just something about my brothers. Maybe because we were close in age and grew up together and had many of the same friends. I feel a connection to both of them, a very strong desire to be part of their lives and part of their families’ lives, even though I often don’t feel like I fit in.

Faye helps a lot in the latter aspect…she makes me feel that I belong, that I am important and special to the family and to her children. I want to have a relationship with those kids. I don’t want Connor to forget about me, and I don’t want Logan to grow up never knowing me. I want to be there.

But given the current situation, I don’t know how to manage it. We’ve already signed the lease for another year here in this apartment. The next time I’ll see my family will be when Sean and I go up for Christmas…I can’t imagine going up any sooner, although I’d love to. Who knows, maybe I will…but I seriously need to get some sort of job. Being unemployed and taking these little jaunts is not good on our budget ;P

So I’m going to be like Mom was to all the Illinois cousins…the long-distance aunt who visits maybe once a year and brings her children who don’t quite get along with “the gang”. We were so far removed from our cousins–even the local ones, really–that no firm relationships were ever forged. I don’t feel as strong a connection with my cousins or aunts and uncles as I would like to. I feel that Ben and I are very special people in Connor (and now Logan)’s life, and that is far more profound than anything I ever experienced with my own aunts and uncles. But I’m breaking it by not living nearby. If I do manage to have kids, they’ll be in the same boat as my brothers and I were.

Everything we do in life affects others, no matter how independent we might want to be. It’s pretty sobering to think about that.

As I was finishing up my Slim-Fast, Sean said, “I’m hungry.” I looked over to find him sitting curled up in his chair with his arms wrapped around his legs and his chin propped on one knee, smiling at me with the universal cutesy look that says “Aren’t you going to make me something?” He was so adorable that I just started giggling at him. Finally I remarked that we had hotdogs. “That could work,” he said, but neither of us moved. I was thoroughly engaged in whatever I was reading–probably celebrity gossip or something, I don’t know why that intrigues me so much–and finally he got up. I figured he was going to cook himself some hotdogs, but he came back in the room with his keys and said that he was going to go “pick up something”.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I’m going to go pick up something.” He always does that. Repeats exactly what he just said. I didn’t say “What?”, I asked him to elucidate. :> Fortunately, he tacked on, “A burger or something. And I’ll get Paul’s [omitted in case Paul happens to read this, not that he won’t find out in an hour and half anyway] while I’m out.”

“Okay,” I said, and turned back to my oh-so-exciting reading. I probably should have gone with him, but meh, I had just had my caloric intake, and besides, he didn’t act like he was assuming I would go. Checkers is just across the street anyway, so it wouldn’t have been that interesting to ride along. I guess.

I’m telling you all of this because after awhile of sitting here smelling Sean’s delicious lunch/dinner, I finally decided to nick

one french fry

for myself. I know, I know…I’m incorrigible. I was thinking about cheating and not writing it in my blog…but that would be unfair to you, my readers, my glorious public. No, I shall be honorable. Justice shall prevail! And stuff.

I got sort of dressed up today. I figured that since I shaved my legs, I should wear a knee-length skirt. Logic is a key factor in all of my decisions, obviously. So I put on my favorite side-zip navy skirt, then my lighter blue polo-esque ribbed girl-sleeved shirt. By girl-sleeved I mean those short, tight sleeves like they have on baby tees, instead of real sleeves that actually cover most of your bicep. A lot of my shirts have the shorter sleeves, so either they’re in style or I have just gravitated towards that.

Regardless, I looked pretty cute. I put in my contact lenses and some earrings with dangly blue hearts, then sprayed on some Ciara perfume…and went back into the office to sit on the computer some more.

I’d had an inkling that we were going out for sushi, but Sean was very involved with Asheron’s Call 2, so I wasn’t sure when it was going to happen. I puttered around online for awhile, but I didn’t feel like posting or doing much of anything besides reading PvP. Paul popped up to ask if Sean and I wanted to go watch anime at his place after dinner. I glanced over to Sean and tried to get his attention three times. Finally I waved at him, a wide, exaggerated motion that made him roll his eyes, sigh, and take off his headphones. “What.”

Don’t you love it when people say “What” and it isn’t a question? Me neither.

So I asked him if he wanted to go to Paul’s, and he said he’d think about it and went back to his game.

This incident, combined with the rampant stupidity of a guy on the IRC channel, did nothing for my mood. I started getting a headache, and I could feel my stomach growling, but I wanted to wait for the sushi instead of grabbing some comfort food. I decided I couldn’t handle being logged into any chat programs, so I shut them all down and left the office.

In the living room, I turned on the TV, discovered (surprise surprise) that there was absolutely nothing on that I wanted to watch (we really need cable), and then just lay down across the couch, trying to relax. While I was sprawled out and moping, Sean poked his head in to say that we would leave for sushi at 8, and that he didn’t want to go to Paul’s.

That gave me half an hour to burn. Bored, I glanced over my bookshelves until the Japanese Houses one caught my eye. I pulled it out and started reading. Fortunately, it really caught my interest, and I started to feel much better–if a bit wistful for Japan. At around 8 I went back into the office and logged back onto AIM briefly to tell Paul we wouldn’t be coming. Then Sean said, “All right,” and we both got up to leave. We kissed a little; I think he had finally detached himself from the game enough to notice what I was wearing. Either that or he just felt like kissing. It happens ;D

I stepped into my blue sandals and he grabbed his sunglasses and keys. We kissed some more. Moving towards the door, I said, “I take it you like my outfit.”

Sean followed me out the front door. “Yes, very much,” he said, and I smiled. He added, “I like you.”

Needless to say, we kissed some more. “I like you, too,” I said. Then we tromped down the stairs towards the car.

Ah…dinner.

There is something about Japanese food that just feels right. It’s light and not overpowering, yet it can make me feel completely satisfied. It’s not a double quarter pounder with cheese…but after eating Japanese food, I feel that a double quarter pounder with cheese would be excessive to the point of nausea. No…give me my rice, my cutlets of fish–raw or otherwise, my green tea. That is the kind of food to eat if I plan on living for 100 years.

And I do, of course!

Before we left for the sushi place I was reading a book I picked up last year called The Japanese House. It’s one of those beautiful oversized coffee table books that I adore, filled with gorgeous pictures and fascinating background information. I read about tatami mats, washi paper, shoji screens, and Japanese tea houses. I love the simple elegance of traditional Japanese style, in architecture, interior design, gardens…everything. It’s really hard to describe the feeling it all gives me. I just feel comfortable and serene in a traditional Japanese setting. Of course, serenity was one of the main goals of the aesthetic design, passed down through Buddhism and filtering into the everyday culture, so perhaps the ease with which I adapt to it all is understandable.

In any case, after that light reading I went on to have a light dinner, consisting of:

• 3 “Augusta” rolls (crab, avocado, and cucumber–yum!)
• 6 unagi rolls (barbecued eel and cucumber)
• 1 “Philly” roll (cucumber, onion, Philadelphia Cream Cheese, and salmon–Sean loves them, but they’re not for me I suppose)
• 1 piece of maguro nigiri (raw tuna–I could have eaten more of it, it was absolutely delicious)
• 3 pieces of unagi nigiri (that barbecued eel again–oh how I love it)
• 1.5 pieces of tamago (egg–asked for it without rice as we were getting full, but we couldn’t finish it anyway. Too sweet and eggy I guess)
• Two mugs of green tea–the weird kind, I recognize the taste but I can’t remember what Todd said it was made of. (Todd, my instructor for the Japan trip in 2001, is something of a tea connoisseur.)

Ahhhhh, how deliciously satisfying. At the moment I am partaking of

• Sugar-free raspberry juice

It’s good stuff, light and refreshing and a nice end to a glorious repast.

Yeah, so I’m having

One 12-ounce can of Mountain Dew

and

Another piece of pizza

What’s it to ya?

I’m thinking this plan is sort of backfiring, at least in the “oh yeah, I’ll be too embarrassed to overeat if I have to write it down” department. In fact, I get the distinct impression that I am going to eat the last lonely piece of pizza in the fridge after I finish with this one. If I do, I’ll be sure to let you know ;P

Kevin had to move back to Florida from Texas today. He grew up in Jacksonville, but he’d been in the Houston area long enough to make some real bonds. He had friends, and a college he was going to, and there was a girl…he never told her how he felt, and now she’s hundreds of miles away.

His parents are either completely blind to his pain or are ignoring it for their own benefit. I’m betting on the latter…not that I in any way approve.

The reason for the move–a $30K pay raise–is a good one. But I have yet to hear any solid reasoning why Kevin couldn’t have been allowed to stay in Houston, where he was happy. He was already enrolled in school and he’d made a life for himself there. Why his parents couldn’t see that and let him live his own life is beyond me.

Seeing him hurt so much makes my heart ache. There’s nothing I can do, and I hate that.

I’m going to go get that

Last piece of pizza in the fridge

before I finish posting, so that I won’t have to post again. I’d like to actually do up something with my City 12 cop character tonight.

Sam and I have decided to play rivals. My character’s name is T.J. Satana (enemies and obnoxious friends call her “Hooker”), and his character’s name is L. Dallas Gabriel. They’re both Detective Sergeants in the City 12 Police…and their purpose will be to run around meddling in the affairs of all the PCs, fighting each other tooth and nail along the way. It should be fun :D

Mmm…last slice of pizza goodness.

I am now eating:

One glass of sugarless raspberry juice

One large slice of pizza left over from dinner last night

We’re going out for sushi later, but I am soooooo hungry it’s not even funny. I don’t know if this is real hunger or what, but it’s giving me a headache, so I figured I should eat. And of course I immediately go for carbs…the quick rush of energy is more appealing than anything substantial. Oh, well. At least pizza has protein, too, in the form of cheese and pepperoni.

I’ve been reading the PvP archives since last night. That comic is such a hoot. I like to paste links to the funniest ones into the IRC channel, but sometimes it occurs to me that I’m pasting links to every single comic I read. Really, the humor just works for me.

Mari called me earlier to invite Sean and me to go with her, Kelly, and Chris Libby downtown for First Friday. I think it’s a sort of festival. Back in Lexington they had Fourth Friday, but it was pretty localized. There was one place, and you paid to get in, and there was art there to look at and a whole bunch of catered food. I never went, though I always thought it would be fun. This seems a little different, though; apparently all the downtown shops put out displays and there is food all over and lots of stuff to do. Sean didn’t want to deal with the traffic, and to be honest I didn’t feel like going out today anyway, so ultimately we declined. We’ll have our sushi instead, then spend the evening at home.

We are really sticks in the mud, I think. We hardly ever do anything. Sean says he is only willing to do stuff on Saturdays and Sundays, and even then he likes to have a week’s notice. I can be a little more spontaneous than that, but since I’ve been married it just seems weird and/or lame to go places without my husband. I still go out on my own, but not as much as I used to. We even run errands together when we’re both home at the same time (i.e., when he’s not at work).

This pizza is making my headache go away and my thoughts clearer. I don’t know what it is with me and food. Maybe I’ve psyched myself out so that I can only relax and feel better by falling into my bad habits with a vengeance. :>

So yeah, sticks in the mud. Yesterday we had Sean’s old boss, Don, and his wife Suzanne over for dinner. Suzanne invited me to go with her during the week to volunteer in a special education classroom. I waffled around and finally said no; it was my first impulse. Part of it seems to be my natural inclination to never leave the apartment (even though I keep saying “I need to get out more”), and part of it was my timidity. I seem to be afraid of everything these days. I don’t feel like I can do anything. I have no confidence. I feel the most comfortable at home in my apartment, where I am in charge, and on the AMRN, another place where I’m in charge. The thought of leaving these two areas and going out somewhere else is vastly unappealing. It’s most pointed when I think about getting a new job. I’m so insecure in my abilities–to be honest, I don’t even know what I’m qualified to do–that I can’t sell myself, and most of the time I don’t feel like I want to work anywhere anyway. It’s new people to meet, new rules to learn, and I’d be starting at the bottom. It just all seems scary and uncomfortable to me.

So instead, I’m just sitting around in a rut, turning down invitations to go out and do things with other people and staying at home on the computer.

This doesn’t seem healthy.

I hate housework. I would love to have a job that took me away from that. But I love the AMRN. I love what I do there. I love chatting to AMRN people about the game, and coming up with new ideas and implementing them. I love the writing. I love how fast-paced it can get when you have a group of people all online at once and they decide to RP together. It is just so much fun. There are times when it feels like work, but on the whole, I feel like I wouldn’t want to be doing anything else.

It would be extraordinarily cool if I could get paid to do something similar to what I do on the AMRN.

I am a content editor, a manager, a producer, a writer…I don’t know exactly how I would define my role. I like being in a position to do what I can where I can and when I can. I like having the freedom to make choices, and the responsibility to take care of business. But ultimately I like participating in the community.

Where can I find something like that that will actually earn me an income?