The alarm went off at 5 am, offering me just enough lucidity to have to go to the bathroom. As I stumbled out of bed and hit the snooze button, I thought dreamily about how I would crawl back into bed, and how maybe I should set the alarm ahead to 6 so my sleep wouldn’t be disturbed.

As I sat on the toilet, however, I realized, Oh yeah, I have to get up and exercise, because I look like a beached whale.

(I realize that isn’t a very nice thing to say about oneself–and I know my friends, and Sean [who said some very nice things about the way I look last night], would disagree, but it was motivational, so I don’t regret it.)

I turned off the alarm completely, gathered up my cell phone, glasses, and wedding rings, and left the bedroom.

Last night, in order to prepare for today, I laid out my work clothes and my workout clothes on the dining room table. This was a very good idea, and I should keep doing that. One of the most time-consuming things in the morning is trying to pick an outfit, and it’s doubly annoying because Sean is asleep and I don’t want to disturb him. Doing it the night before (something that FlyLady suggests) solves both problems.

I pulled on my new yoga pants and a blue shirt, both of which I bought yesterday at Wal-Mart. I grabbed my camera bag and put my cell phone and keys in it, and picked up my 3 pound handweights. Then I hung my kitchen timer around my neck and set it for 45 minutes. Finally I was off, heading out of the apartment for a nice brisk walk around the complex.

I made the circuit twice, moving my arms around with the weights in alternating motions, trying to work as many muscles as I could think of. By the time I was finished with my second lap, my arms were feeling the burn.

Coming around to the final stretch, I went into the workout room at the apartment office, where I managed the stair climber for 5 minutes (yow), and then did some stomach crunches and leg lifts. To finish off my workout, I hopped on the treadmill and did some very fast walking.

I may actually have time to hop in the swimming pool after my workouts, which might be something I want to try sometime. This morning, though, I hurried back to the apartment, made Sean’s lunch, emptied the dishwasher, took my shower, and made my Slim Fast for the morning. Now I’m off for work, so I’ll grab my lunch Slim Fast from the fridge, leave Sean’s lunch in the bedroom where he can see it, and head off.

I’m feeling a little sore, especially in my upper back (I think from all the handweight stuff I was doing), but I also feel fairly energetic. I’m going to keep this up!


Yesterday, Mari, Kelly, Chris and I kidnapped Brooke and took her to Atlanta for her birthday. We ate dinner and played all sorts of games at Dave & Buster’s. It was pretty fun, although I’m not sure the expense (meal + game card + gas) would make it worthwhile to go again anytime soon.

While we were sitting at the table for dinner, our waitress took a picture of all of us together. I didn’t look at it until after I got home, when I uploaded pictures to Box of Bunnies.

It was sort of a wake-up call to me. I already knew my weight, from the gynecologist visit, but I had never quite realized what all that weight was doing to my figure. In the mirror, I only see my torso, which is an okay shape from the front (and I can just ignore the side view). This picture, though, was a side view of me sitting down. It is so horrible that I’m not going to show anyone, but think about how Jabba looked in Jedi and you’ll have a pretty good idea ;P It’s like I’m a lump of pudding, or a shapeless pile of lard. It’s disgusting. I couldn’t even believe it was me at first. Then I was so upset and frustrated that I resolved to keep the picture and look at it often so I would never forget just how far I’ve let my body go to hell.

Obviously, something needs to be done. I really don’t have the time to start a diet, mess up, overeat, and start the cycle again. I’m at the point where I need to stick to a lifestyle change. I want to be able to have a child, and while it looks like I have a chance, I don’t want to shoot myself in the foot by being too unhealthy to carry it. I also don’t want to be the kind of mother who is “too tired” to play with her kids. The time to get myself active and healthy is now.

I’m always scared when I commit to doing something positive for myself, because I’ve never really succeeded before. I’m always afraid I’ll let myself down. But that picture–ugh! I’m horrified even thinking about what I look like now. And I’m doing good; I’ve been biking and bellydancing (although this past week I haven’t done either :/). I need to keep up the exercise, add a little more, add some weight training, and start eating better.

Since I got the job, I haven’t been cooking dinner as much as I used to. I’ve also been eating out for breakfast and lunch quite a bit. This has done horrible things for my health as well as our bank account. Stopping this behavior will really help. I have been successful in cutting caffeine out of my diet–no more Mountain Dew for me!–so I believe I can do this. I just need to keep up my willpower. I stopped caffeine because of the horrible headaches I was getting. Surely back pain, sore feet, dwindling funds and an expanding waistline are good enough reasons to alter my eating habits.

For now, I’ve bought a bunch of Slim Fast shakes and shake mix. I’m going to try doing two shakes and a meal for my daily food intake. We’ll see how that works out.

I’m going to keep going biking with my friends as much as possible, and bellydancing too, but I can’t just rely on that anymore. I have to add more activity, especially during the weeks (like last week) that we don’t meet due to the weather. My apartment complex has a workout room that I can go to in the mornings and after work, and there’s a swimming pool too. I’m also thinking I’d like to buy some roller skates and take some passes around the complex every day, since that would be more fun than walking.

The hardest thing will be scheduling all this activity and also scheduling making Sean’s lunch for him and making dinners for both of us. I’m accustomed to a lot of idle time–in the past I spent it online, and more recently I’ve been spending it with my nose in a book. But that time is going to shrink, at least a little.

It’s worth it, though; I have to do this. I may even take the scariest step of all…and finally buy myself a scale.

More the bomb than ever before

I may have led you to believe recently that I was, in fact, the bomb. And this may very well have been true at the time. But I tell you that now, more than ever, do I not only claim, but rightfully own the title of The Bomb.

Today I managed to bike all the way to the end of the trail and back and still make it up the dreaded Hill at the End.

I simply refused to fail, for over eight miles.

Mari, Kelly, and Brooke were with me. It was a really nice day, not too hot, and since we rode later in the evening the sun wasn’t really bright either. Most of the trail is shaded by beautiful trees, but in some places you come out into the light–today, those times were perfectly fine, as the sun didn’t so much beat down on us as just kind of bask us in its glow. The perfect weather for exercise.

I didn’t go particularly fast, but I wasn’t a slowpoke, either; sometimes I was towards the end but a few times I was leader of the pack. I did stop for water–lots of water–but the breaks were short and rejuvenating, and for the most part it was me getting on the bike and pulling out first.

I guess today I just really felt like riding.

I am the BOMB! (Warning: two references to children’s stories!)

So, bike riding was awesome. I didn’t have to stop and walk at all, including the very last stretch where we have to labor up a long hill just to get back to Mari and Kelly’s place. I have never made it all the way up that hill before. Always, I’ve tried to give myself some momentum, pumping hard to force my way up the hill, and always I have fizzled out long before I reach the top. This time, I didn’t even try to speed up; I just kept going at a regular pace (yes, slow and steady, like the hare [tortoise! I meant tortoise! Sheesh, and I call myself a TMNT fan…]). Towards the end I was really pushing myself. I was almost there…I was almost there…it was like the Little Engine Who Could or something. And then I was there, and Mari and Kelly were congratulating me, and my legs were burning with the sweet pain of success.

Categorized as Diary Tagged

Giving up

I’m at a dangerous point right now, where I want to give up and run away from many things. Primarily I want to quit my job, but yesterday I started feeling discouraged about exercise as well. I don’t want how I’m currently feeling to screw me up, but right now it’s so easy to just want to stop worrying about working or exercising and just lose myself in books and anime.

Yesterday, between Harry Potter movies, Mari, Brooke and I went bike-riding. The two of them have been riding much longer than I have, and they both ride more frequently than I do. They also do other exercise, like walking or going to the gym. I am way behind both of them in terms of fitness.

I was successful in not letting this get to me until yesterday, when we rode down a different way on the bike trail. There was hardly any coasting to be had; it was all pedaling, and by the time we got back to the regular stretch my legs literally would not move. It was like the muscles didn’t want to function. I could walk fine, and I wasn’t particularly out of breath, so this was extraordinarily annoying to me. I felt like the Supreme Wuss of Wussonia.

So they went on, and I headed back towards the apartment, just wanting to die.

When they finally got back, they were panting heavily and glowing and smiling. As they talked about what a pain their ride had been, I was so jealous. I wanted to be pushing myself to the limit, going further. I wanted to be able to ride my bike really fast over 7+ miles, and then grin and complain about it. Already I was feeling those old familiar feelings…I should have been able to do that. I just quit because I’m a baby. I’m so lazy and stupid.

“Someday I’ll catch up to you guys,” I said, trying to bolster my spirits, but it really didn’t work. I’m back at that point yet again where I realize I’m not the best at something and that it will take a lot of work to catch up. This is the point at which I usually stop trying…at which I give in to my self-brainwashing. Too fat/stupid/ugly/lazy/untalented/boring to do what I feel like I want to be or should be doing.

It seems like I keep being faced with these huge challenges, and my emotions are warring with themselves over every one of them. Do I stand and fight for the first time in my life? Or do I continue to run?

How many times have I had this conversation with myself?

Sweet and sour exercise ennui

  • Small bowl of rice and sweet and sour chicken, left over from when we had Don and Suzanne over for dinner

I figure this is okay because it’s dinnertime. For me. Because I stay up late and get up in the afternoon.

I’ll need to get some more rice soon…I just ran out of the stuff I bought at the Korean market and the bit I had left over from the Japanese grocery in Kentucky. All I have now is a bag of long grain white rice that Sue gave me. It really doesn’t taste as good as the short grain Japanese brand rice, unfortunately :/

I was talking in the channel about how I need to start exercising. Sam says that walking isn’t enough, that tennis is okay, but that he recommends fencing. The first two I can do at my apartment complex for free…so maybe a combination of those?

Blah. The worst thing about exercise is how boring it is. I love how good I feel afterwards, but the whole monotony of it really gets to me.

Sweet and sour chicken = teh yum. I was just thinking that a sweet and sour chicken pizza would be faboo.

I am suddenly very depressed. I am pretty much double the weight I should be. I have no idea what to do about it. Or rather, I have ideas, but I have no follow-through. I don’t know what to do about that.

Gonna stop writing now.