Heather Meadows – Page 106 – p i x e l s c r i b b l e s

Funny

The other day, someone at work asked me if I build the website “in PSP”.

She meant to say “PHP” :> Although using a PlayStation Portable to build a website would be pretty interesting.

Saturday’s going to be interesting. I have to do some freelance work–I’d love to skip it, but I’ve been skipping it for weeks now and it needs to get done. I also have to do some overtime at my job for that exciting project I mentioned before. After that, there’s a goodbye party for a work colleague!

At my mom’s suggestion, I started taking Vitamin B Complex today. Hopefully it’ll help me have the energy to do everything.

I may end up working on one or both projects on Sunday, too. But what I really hope will happen on Sunday is a trip to the Canal. I have more and more clothes that don’t look good on me anymore, and if I don’t start being active again it’ll happen to everything I own.

Woo, grouchy (TMI alert)

I’m irritable!

It’s not a bad mood. I don’t feel particularly down. I’m actually kind of excited about a project at work that’s finally reaching fruition, and I’m looking forward to watching more Detective Conan, and I went to see Brooke’s wedding dress fitting today and it was fun, and now I’m sitting comfortably in my chair at my computer reading.

But I’m having a period. You know how that goes.

The thing is, I haven’t had one in quite a long time. I don’t remember when the last one was, and I can’t remember if I blogged it either. I do remember that it came some time after my last round of provera.

Not long after that, I ran out of estrace, and since I had no health insurance at the time, I didn’t refill my prescriptions. My doctor called me to let me know she was leaving the practice, so I don’t have an endocrinologist anymore anyway. I let all my prescriptions run out, and I haven’t taken any of them since. I had a regular checkup scheduled, but again, due to lack of insurance, I cancelled it, and have never rescheduled.

All that was somewhere around September.

So I’ve been off hormones, off blood pressure meds, and off thyroid meds for something like three or four months.

For about a week and a half now something that not even I, the TMI Queen, wish to state plainly. I’ll just say that it was consistent, which made it odd, because usually it’s on and off.

Then the day before yesterday, I noticed what seemed to be spotting. I noticed it again yesterday. But nothing seemed to be coming of it.

This afternoon, though, the full period came to fruition. It seems to be a fairly light one. What interests me about it, though, is the color of the blood. All the periods I can remember having in recent years started out brown. This one is brown and red at the same time.

I don’t know if that means anything.

Really, I’m just documenting this for myself, because I don’t have a set structure for recording my medical information. I guess I should think about that, because it’d be handy to just pull out a little book or something whenever a nurse asks me those questions they always ask.

In any case, I’m bloated and grumpy, but otherwise, I feel okay.

Four years

That’s right; this year I didn’t forget!

I hate Bellsouth’s "there’s no reason" ad

When I see it, I want to fly into a murderous rage.

See, there’s this young couple walking a downtown street. And the guy starts saying, “There’s really no reason to stick to dialup.”

Except he only manages to get out “There’s really no re–“

And then his girlfriend stops walking, presses her hand against his chest, and, laughing, interrupts, “There’s really no reason to stick to dialup.” While she speaks, I swear she starts giving him a nipple twist.

The look on his face says, “Well, she castrated me again…but what can I do?”

Seriously. What is the purpose of this? Is this supposed to be cute? It’s not cute. It’s sickening. Why is it okay for her to cut her boyfriend off, and then say the exact same thing he was going to say? Why is it okay for him to put up with it?

For the rest of the commercial, the guy just stands there, looking cowed and not a little annoyed, and the girl keeps talking in her cutesy, giggly voice, ignoring him.

I just want to smack her in the face.

Why am I still awake?

Because I’m not tired, is the easy answer. But why is that?

I sort of feel like I’m standing on a precipice, looking out on something below. It seems so close I can almost touch it, but in reality I have to jump off the edge to even get near. And, of course, risk dying.

I also feel stupid for having such cliche feelings!

Moral of many an episode of Detective Conan

Don’t get drunk and then brag about how you killed someone to a person who joined your office/organization/etc. after the killing. They are almost certainly the dead person’s lover, set on revenge.

Winging my way south

I’ve been here in Kentucky since December 23. Sean drove home on the 27th, and today I’m flying home. I’m looking forward to flying; it’s been awhile.

It’s been a great visit. I wish I could figure out some way to move back to Kentucky.

I read something last night that reminded me there are plenty of things I can do to attain the things I want. I just have to do them. Trouble is, they’re scary and demanding things. I can’t just wing it, and I can’t just sit around and wait.

I have to decide if I really want the things I want badly enough to throw conventionality out the window.

There’ll be plenty of time for contemplation on the plane, at any rate.

I should get home tonight around 9, and then tomorrow it’s back to the grind :)

That didn’t seem very…professional?

So I just watched the Saddam execution. Video problems aside (it was taken from a cell phone camera), I wasn’t sure what to think of the whole thing. It was a dark room and there seemed to be a bunch of people in there, all taking pictures and yelling. It felt more like a lynching than a state-mandated execution.

Also, isn’t the knot supposed to be in the back? Or have the movies lied to me?

Photos

So the other day I went to the family farm with Dad, Grandma, and Uncle Steve, and…I took pictures!

This is my grandmother’s high school diploma. Is that awesome or what?

And check out this panorama I pieced together in Photoshop. It ain’t great, but it’s interesting!

2006

I’ve been thinking about what I’ve accomplished in the past 365 days for a few weeks now, and the list seems rather small.

One big thing is getting a job that has been amazingly perfect for me. It was sheer luck; I happened to see the job opening, so I applied and got it. Initially I didn’t know what the job would really entail. I wasn’t sure I would like it, but I figured I could do it for awhile, and try to figure out what I did want to do in the meantime.

Over time I have taken ownership of the position and used my role to expand and improve the station’s website. I work with sales and promotions as well as news. I’ve learned so much about the television industry, and I’ve expanded my knowledge of what’s possible on the web. And there’s still so much to learn.

But working full time for the first time in years has really changed other aspects of my life. I get up in time to get ready for work, and I get home at night tired and unwilling to cook. I just watch anime or DVDs all night and then go to bed. In recent months I’ve even stopped packing my lunches, going out for fast food instead.

I was so much more active in 2005, before the fire. I went biking often. I think I only took my bike to the Canal once in 2006, and other than that I rode my bike twice around my neighborhood–once down to the Y, and once just back in the neighborhoods. Both times I ended up entirely too winded.

So I’ve deteriorated physically, and I haven’t really done anything else, either. I haven’t done more to improve my knowledge of Japanese. I haven’t read hardly anything. Pretty much all the learning I’ve done has been in the course of my job. I haven’t gone exploring–I’ve been wanting to see the dam, and Mystery Photo Guy has turned me on to another place to check out, but it seems all I do on the weekend is sit around. I’ve fallen into a rut; I do only what I need to do, and nothing more.

And it’s driving me crazy.

I think part of this has just been recovery time from the fire. I dealt with it and moved on, in general–I was able to function. But was I really living?

There were so many things I planned to do and then backed out of. Baking Christmas cookies. Going to Wes’ church for a Halloween mystery dinner. Having a party. And I still haven’t bought the lining Brooke needs to make the curtains she said she’d make for Sean and my bedroom.

Some of these can be attributed to procrastination and laziness, but I feel like there’s something more. Even when I feel totally motivated to accomplish something, I ultimately don’t do it.

I wonder: was I afraid to live, in 2006?

Ever since the fire, I have wondered what it taught me. I wondered if I was supposed to learn not to be so attached to material possessions. I wondered if I was supposed to give up on my obsessive-compulsive self-archiving.

Have I spent my time wondering this, in lieu of doing anything else?

Do I analyze myself too much? Was the lesson really to just get over it and live?

I feel like I’ve been trying to learn that one for years.

Ultimately, there are some things I want, and I didn’t make any progress on any of it in 2006.

I want to lose weight. But in 2006, I gained it.

I want to learn Japanese. But in 2006, I didn’t even crack a book. My “studying” consisted of occasionally trying to read katakana on websites, and watching anime.

I want to play the piano again. But in 2006, I didn’t even try to figure out how to get back into it.

I want to join a choir or chorus. But in 2006, I didn’t look for one.

I want to be more sociable. But in 2006, I avoided social occasions and really only spent time with Brooke–essentially clinging unfairly to someone who will be moving soon.

I want to cook dinner and pack lunches. But in 2006, I ate out for the majority of my meals.

I want to write blog posts–and hell, maybe even other things–that are interesting for people to read. But in 2006, every time I thought of writing something, I just felt tired…so usually I didn’t even bother to try.

In fact, pretty much everything in 2006 made me feel tired.

I remember being so happy when 2005 ended. I was so excited to leave the year of the fire behind me. But what did I do with the new year? Nothing.

“Why don’t you want anymore?” AJ asked. “Straight up. Is it because you just don’t like it, or are you afraid of what might happen?”

“I’m not afraid of anything happening,” I said. “I just don’t see the point.”

“Fair enough,” AJ said.

“There really isn’t a point,” Dan added.

Later, AJ said, “I really wonder what you’d be like drunk.”

“I know, you really want to know,” I said.

“It’s because you’re different–not in a bad way, but just different–normally. So what would you be like when you’re not normal?”

“Probably depressed,” I said.

“Depressed? Why? Do you feel depressed right now?”

“Yeah.”

“…okay, yeah, you’d probably be depressed. Or pissed.”

Happy New Year.

American Twentysomething in the hizzouse

Yes! I met Dariush yesterday, up at one of the five million Starbucks that seem to have appeared since I moved.

I had to drive Mom’s van, since I have no vehicle and AJ had already “reserved” Dad’s truck. (I discovered later that he hadn’t even used it by the time I got back.) Mom’s van is the size of some countries’ houses. I’m not passing judgment that it’s excessive or something; it suits her needs. I’m just saying it’s big. Driving it is an adventure.

But I arrived uneventfully and headed inside.

There was a guy at the counter who looked a little like the pictures I’ve seen of Dariush, but for some reason I didn’t think his hair was that dark. Still, he was the most likely candidate, so I said, “Are you Dariush?” And he was.

He ordered some eggnog latte thing, I think, and I got a green tea and a cranberry almond bar. We sat at a cute round table and talked shop. He joked about the van being perfect for driving around asking kids if they want candy, and I told him how Mom used to say just that to us when she picked us up anywhere. (My mom is awesome.)

He expressed surprise and dismay that I don’t follow Wildcat sports (blasphemy!).

Upon learning that I’m flying home on Delta, he told me the horrific tale of how Delta lost his luggage twice on his recent trip out West–once on the way out, once on the way back.

I told him about James Brown, and how I’ve been working remotely this week to cover his life, death, and funeral on the station website.

He made some joke about “harder to find than a Lenscrafters at Ray Charles’ house”. (He used another name there that I don’t remember.)

We discussed our Secret Mission, and how I might have a lead. Really, I only have a passing curiosity, but mysteries seem to confound and enrage our dear American Twentysomething ;>

I did not ask him what he’s going to do with his blog when he turns 30, although I have wondered.

Interesting Fact: When I arrived, he introduced me to the barista. Did he already know her, from spending so much time at all the Starbucks in the area? Or did he get to know her before I arrived? Both are possible.

Me, I tend not to become acquantainces/friends with people at the places I frequent. There is a barista at R. Gabriel’s that I know by name, and I think she recognizes me when I go there, but we don’t have conversations. This isn’t snootiness on my part so much as a lack of extraversion/social skills. I’m kind of a control freak, and random encounters tend not to catch me at my best.

We talked about Saddam Hussein’s death, very briefly, and we talked about our Christmases, and I think that was pretty much it. He suggested that I let him know the next time I’m coming to town so we might catch a game, and I said sure. Then we headed off our separate ways down Nicholasville Road.

It was a good visit, and not much different from talking to him on IM, which is always interesting. Some people’s voice translates well from text to IRL, but most of the time there are differences, things you don’t pick up from the text. So maybe Dariush is more in tune with himself than most people. Or maybe I’m getting better at reading people through their written words.

In any case, Dariush is the first blogger I’ve met. I’ve met Internet friends before, but he’s the first I’ve met through blogging and then met in person. Pretty cool. Hopefully I’ll get the chance to meet more blogger friends :)

Solve the mystery!

Who is the blogger I met this afternoon? Here are some hints:

The blogger is male.

He cannot live without caffeine.

I discovered I was mispronouncing his name in my head.

He attends my alma mater.

So, did you figure it out?

I’ll let you in on the secret when I have time to do up a post. For now, off to Ben’s to watch Howl’s Moving Castle!

Note to Self

Our fourth anniversary is next Thursday! Don’t forget it this year!

I’m lonely ;_;

I’m at my parents’ house in Kentucky. Sean came up with me, but he left last night. And you know, I like having him around!

AJ: I don’t want no bacon egg and cheese crap! I want sausage!

Me: Sorry, I ate the last sausage biscuit this morning.

AJ: (grumbles)

Me: Well, Sean ate the other two, so share your ire!

Author: Heather Meadows