I can’t divorce myself from the need to succeed. I can’t sit down and write a book just for me.
Author: Heather Meadows
Shikamaru impression
The fatal flaw in the copter game…
I mean, WTF?
Last night I had a talk with Sam. I was in a very bleh mood, such that everything sounded overly difficult and annoying. (There is a character in Naruto who seems to feel that way every day. His most common line is “How troublesome.” Indeed…) Anyway, Sam was trying to cheer me up, partially because he likes me, but also partially I think because he wanted to get GP4 moving, and I wasn’t in the mood for that. His attempts to get me in the mood were unsuccessful.
We ended up talking about how bored I am with my life, and how I wish I was doing something. He made the obvious suggestion, the one I’ve thought of and passed over, which is: write a novel. He then proceeded to describe my own feelings to me, in precise detail. He said that I think I am a failure, and that if I commit myself to try and actually do something, I might find out that I’m right. He said that this fear paralyzes me and keeps me from actually accomplishing anything.
He’s absolutely right.
He seemed disappointed by his inability to prod me into action. Logically, the solution to my problem would be to try to write a novel. If I write one, I might get it published and get some money, so that would solve another problem. But I don’t believe him when he says that I should be able to get something published easily. In my writing classes, the teachers and professionals all talked about how difficult it is to get published, and how brilliant writers are often neglected.
I don’t know, it’s not just that. I think another thing I’m afraid of is writing something mediocre. If that mediocre something got published, I would feel like I had betrayed myself. If people liked something that I thought was half-assed…I don’t know.
I feel like I am just making up excuses instead of going for it. That is probably exactly the case. I am just so scared, and competitive. If I exempt myself from the competition, then I don’t have to feel bad when I lose. That’s how I’ve looked at things for a long time.
This post doesn’t seem to be making any sense, but I’m tired of writing it. I’m not even going to revise.
I wish I wasn’t such a lazy wuss.
Despair transmuted
Here I am at 6:30 am after staying up all night–as usual, with something of a nap to tide me over–trembling with euphoria, chest swelled, eyes smarting with unshed tears, because I actually worked hard at writing something.
I have had a pretty shitty night up until this point. The reason I went to take a nap was because I wanted to cry. Bawl, in truth. I was unable to do that; my sobs felt forced and pathetic as I lay wrapped in the covers, face buried in my pillow. But I did at least cry, and then fell off into restless, desperate sleep.
I am unsatisfied with my life and I am unsatisfied with the way I spend my days. I do not feel as if there is any purpose to anything I do. I want more, I want to stop feeling desperate. I want to be more than useful; I want to be thrilling, inspiring, necessary, adored. I want to Do Things that make people Sit Up and Take Notice. I believe I have fallen into despair because I can’t envision these things ever actually happening. I’m lost, jobless, a housewife who hates keeping house. I’m no good to anyone else and I’m no good to myself.
But I wrote something. Something I am outrageously proud of, something I revised until it flowed off my tongue with a rhythm that plows a clear path. I read it aloud, several times, and tweaked it far more than that. I worked on it, and it’s finished, and I can say that I am reasonably happy with it.
It’s only a post. But holy shit do I feel good about it.
I must have needed that.
Traditions under the moon
Today, Dawn wrote about the Chinese Mid Autumn Festival, and I couldn’t help but be reminded of my own childhood traditions. Fireworks on the Fourth of July were always a big thing, whether we set off our own in front of our house or drove up to Lexington to watch the big show from Doris’ farm, sprawled out in the back of a banged-up pickup truck. Dawn’s discussion of lanterns made me think of Woodhaven, where Granny and Aunt Carol used to live; they had strings of lights running along their trailer in the shape of Chinese lanterns, and I loved their bright colors lighting up the porch at night. I sat out there with my aunts and played board games, or watched over my baby cousins (who are now all teenagers!), or played house with the myriad collection of toys Granny kept in her outdoor tent in the yard. We rode bikes at Woodhaven, too, all around the narrow, winding roads. Woodhaven was a private retirement community, and there wasn’t much traffic. It was very rustic and peaceful there; it felt like a chosen, comfortable seclusion.
Summers are what I remember most from my childhood, because summer was always the time for adventures. Piling into the car to go to Uncle Lewis’ place on Lake Cumberland was one of my favorites, because we got to go swimming, climbing, picnicking, and exploring, and in the morning Uncle Lewis always made us his famous “greasy eggs”. I think I miss having his place to go to the most; I don’t have any real memories attached to Ma’s farm in Mt. Sterling, and there’s not much to do there. And of course, we always went to Illinois in the summer, whether to Woodhaven, or to Big Rock, or to Wilmette…but once my parents started the business, we weren’t able to all run off on jaunts anymore, and so the adventure chapter of my life was closed. I think maybe that’s why I didn’t mind driving eight hours to see Sean for a weekend…travel has been in my blood since I was little.
Christmas is another tradition I’ve had since childhood, but until we had the business it wasn’t a truly large affair for us. We typically went to Uncle Jeff and Aunt Karen’s house on Eastin Road in Lexington, a beautiful, large, stately house that I felt I could get lost in. Their tree was always splendid, with more gifts beneath it than I could count. Everyone brought food, and we all ate dinner and then exchanged presents. That tradition died off when people began realizing they couldn’t afford to buy presents for everyone, and now if we go anywhere it’s to Grandma’s for dinner, with no formal gift exchange. It’s nice, but it’s not the same. Our party at home is bigger and better, though, with lots of presents, and the little joy that is Connor running around brightening everything. This year, when Sean and I go to my parents’ for the holiday, there will be another little one to cuddle.
Traditions don’t really die; they just change. They’ve shaped who we are, and who we are shapes what we do.
Dawn also wrote today about how she finished up her festival day, a quiet, more muted celebration, tinged with melancholy. I know how it feels to be lonely on holidays. I think the song Dawn chose to quote at the end of her post was a wonderful choice, especially because it reminded me of something that happened yesterday.
Out of the blue, I decided to call Connor. I miss that little sweetie. We had a good conversation; he told me to come over to his house “tomorrow” but I said it would have to wait until Halloween. Then he asked me, “Can you see the moon?”
I went out on the deck and looked, and there it was, Mars hanging just below and to the right. “Wow,” I said, “it’s really orange, isn’t it?”
“Yeah!” Connor said. “And it has eyes and a nose and a mouth! But it doesn’t say anything.”
“The moon’s pretty quiet,” I agreed.
At that moment, I remembered the song, “Somewhere Out There”, from An American Tail…and so for me it was doubly delightful to have Dawn think of the same song for a completely different reason.
I miss everyone…but it is nice to think we’re sleeping underneath the same big sky.
What kind of girl are you?
A GIRLY-GIRL. You dont have a lot of self-esteem
and people are always bringing you down for
being sad. What do they know, anyway? You feel
like youre too mature for your age and are
frustrated by the trend-followers who refuse to
accept you because youre not like them.
Your virtues: Intelligence, understanding nature,
modesty.
Your flaws: Lack of social life, inferiority
complex, timidity.
What kind of girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
I think these quizzes were made by an Aussie.
While I don’t feel this is completely accurate, it is close.
What would your Japanese name be?
Yoshimi – “Happy Beauty”
Sponsored by www.life-blood.cjb.net
What would your Japanese name be? (female)
brought to you by Quizilla
Yay!
Well, he is the "mother" of the Bebop ;P
Stymied
I haven’t blogged in a bit. Part of the reason is because I fell off the wagon, so to speak. Just like all my other attempts at dieting, this one has ended in failure. Sam says that I constantly commit myself to and accomplish great things, but somehow am stymied by anything involving self-improvement. It’s an interesting evaluation, but I’m not sure what I think of it. The things I commit to are all in the “Fun Stuff I Want To Do” category, whereas the things I slack off on are “Things I Think I Ought To Be Doing, Whether They Are Fun or Not”. I guess you could label the second group as being self-improvement items, because the things I think I ought to be doing include losing weight, exercising, writing the next great American novel, and things of that nature. I think they can also be referred to as things that involve changing my usual routine. I tend to fall into the patterns of least resistance, things that feel natural and amusing. Anything that goes against the flow is automatically more difficult to maintain over any length of time.
Analyzing the situation to death has not put me one step closer to fixing it.
The other reason I haven’t blogged is because Xanga was down due to a barrage of DDOS attacks. Lame.
Right now I’m listening to a track from the Run Lola Run OST called “Casino (Solid State Remix)”. It is damn good. It has a pumping, driving beat and a repeated sample of Lola panting as she runs, punctuated by rushing sound effects and a few simple bass chords and melodies. It is really neat; it puts me in a sort of sexual meditative state.
I’ve been doing lots of posting on GP4 lately. One of Sam’s non-player-characters, Amy Velpers, is hosting a ball, and all the PCs were required to attend. Everyone is on the same thread. It’s a hoot.
Sean wasn’t feeling well today. Fortunately, he has a good week before he has to go to work; since he’s changing companies on the 29th, he is using up all his sick days now. I hope he’ll get a good rest over this extended weekend. His allergies really seem to kill him.
I sort of wish we could use this time that he’s off to go visit my relatives in Kentucky, but Sean doesn’t feel up to taking a trip. He says he just wants to relax. Fair enough, I suppose.
I missed both Mom and Ben’s birthday parties. Fortunately, Faye and others made sure there were pictures for me to see, which is good. Logan is really growing up, and Connor is a boy now, not a baby. He’s almost four. It’s crazy.
I miss everybody.
Hopefully I can find some sort of job so that I can afford to fly home to visit sometime…flights from Augusta to Lexington are ridiculously expensive though, something like $600 when I checked today. I’ve got the non-major-airport blues…
"I think all of us have one question," AJ said. "What’re you going to eat today?"
:>
Well, I don’t know what I’m going to eat today. However, yesterday, I had:
- five pieces of pizza
- two cans of Mountain Dew
Hopefully that will satisfy everyone’s curiosity for now. ;P
Sean and I awoke this morning to the violent sounds of a raging storm. Rain slammed against the roof and walls of our apartment as lightning crashed and thunder cracked deafeningly at very close range. Sean got up to look at the storm out the deck door, then returned to curl up in bed. “Honest,” he said, “Georgia didn’t have tropical South American weather before you moved here.”
It’s all my fault!!!
McAfee Virus Scan renewed itself yesterday, so I figured I’d keep it rather than cancelling the service. I’m scanning my computer now, and so far, three small files in my Temporary Internet Files folder have come up as infected. I’m not sure if they are actually causing a problem or not, but it’s good to know that McAfee caught them. The viruses are named “Exploit-ByteVerify” and “JS/Seeker.gen.f“. I just remembered that I haven’t bothered to apply Service Packs to Office yet, so I’ll do that once the scan is done and hopefully lower my infectability factor.
Last night we had Paul over and ordered pizza. That was our tradition for a long time, but the past few weeks we’d been neglecting it. It was good to have company over again. We ended up watching the first two DVDs of Kimagure Orange Road, which I found very amusing and fun. The male lead suffers from that same inability to articulate his desires to women that we see in many titles, but it’s not as overwhelmingly irritating as it is in, say, To Heart. In fact, Kyosuke does much better with it than Tenchi or Keitaro (to use two very famous examples), which is a refreshing change. I’d like to watch more of the show, and soon.
I also need to catch up on Naruto. Episode 44 was just released by the fansubbers, but I think Sean and I haven’t seen anything past 38.
The AMRN has been kicking, so much so that two new games may or may not be in the works. Snipes has been putting together a website in hopes of resurrecting the long-dead Bubblegum Crisis game; Sam has been kicking around the idea of a Cowboy Bebop game for months now. I’d like to mention here that I’ve thought about doing a Cowboy Bebop game ever since seeing Cowboy Bebop. The universe is extraordinarily rich, and the genre leaves plenty of room for more intrigue and fun. The game would have to exclude the original cast, but I feel that assembling a new group of people and writing a story for those people would have the same effect as the anime. What happens, ultimately, would be directly relevant to them, and when it was all said and done they would have changed the face of the universe.
Of course, the biggest problem with that is keeping players. If you let someone join who ends up flaking out a few months in, then you have to totally rewrite your story. This, plus the fact that I am already running two games, sort of curtailed the tiny, preliminary thoughts I was having. Still, the thought that Sam might work something up is exciting. I wonder what sort of character I could play…
All good things…
Continuing on the one meal a day plan, I ate:
- one chicken club sandwich from Chik-Fil-A
- one large box of waffle fries
- one medium Dr Pepper
- two cans of Mountain Dew, one of which I am currently drinking
I’m sort of in a weird mood today. I’m not sure what the deal is, but it probably has something to do with the IRC chat. You know how good things are…they tend to not always stay as good. I guess this is sort of the situation now, though I’m sure things will get better with time. Essentially, there is a guy who comes to the chat that pretty much everyone dislikes, but I have no legit reason to ban him, so we’re stuck with him. (In other news, I did ban Suzaku today–he was asking for it. Literally.)
I’d like to be in the mood to post, and I’m working my way back in, but it’s a slow process. I don’t really have much to say beyond that, so I’ll stop here.
One meal a day; plus, IRC is cool
Today, like yesterday, I only had one meal. It was:
- one pint sweet and sour chicken
- one pint rice
- one can Mountain Dew
I’ve also been drinking water.
I’m not sure what the deal is, but yesterday and today I just didn’t feel like eating, other than the main meal that came around what lunch would be for me if I was counting. Right now I feel like I should be hungry, but I don’t particularly want to eat anything. Thinking about food makes me go “Meh.”
Sam says that I should try to stick to one meal a day for a week so that my stomach will contract. Then I’ll get full easier, as long as I eat slowly. I say that sounds like a good plan, so I’m going to go for it.
Boy, we had a crazy time in the channel tonight. I told Kitty Larke’s player to come in, and she did, and she was a hoot. She’s one of those who is quite adept at the skill of chatting, and she kept us all in stitches. We amused her greatly, as well. It was a rousing good time for all, during which postage occurred…so in essence, I was quite a happy camper!
I really haven’t had a good, fast-paced chat like that in a long time. We used to have them back on EFNet, #robotech and #starwars!, but after awhile people just stopped going to EFNet (including me). I really love what the IRC room does for the AMRN. Giving people a common place to discuss posts and conspire together and get to know one another was a fantastic idea. Posting has increased among the people who show up to the chat, I believe, and we’re tying more things together far more easily than before. It’s the sense of community that I always felt we needed. Not everyone comes to the room, so it’s not an all-encapsulating experience…but we have enough of the major posters that it almost feels like it. It’s fantastic.
Happy Birthday, Dawn!
Yes, it’s August 8 in Malaysia already, which means my dear friend Dawn is celebrating her birthday. I suppose it wouldn’t be proper to put her age here ;D
Dawn and I have known each other since fall/winter of 1999. Actually, the first time I learned of her existence was, I believe, when I visited Sean for the first time in the summer of 1999. I’m actually having a little trouble putting the facts together, but I know that my first encounter with Dawn occurred while Sean and I had our computers over at the Mental Soup offices. We were there after hours hanging out online, and a message popped up on Sean’s ICQ for “Ryu-chan”. Somehow, I also discovered that Dawn had sent him a Christmas card. (He must have still had it on his desk with the rest of his mail. In the middle of summer. I don’t know ;P)
“How did she get your address?” I asked, as this was back in the ‘jealous girlfriend’ stage of our relationship.
“I gave it to her,” Sean said without explanation or apology. (My husband is cool.)
Since I had no real response to this–even jealous-girlfriend-me knew that throwing a hissy fit would be stupid and immature–I dropped the issue. I went back to reading the AMRN to see if I could find her posts or any idea about her (at the time I was not a member, but I had started reading the boards because Sean spent so much time writing there. If I use another parenthetical I may kill myself).
I never did find anything to fuel my jealousy, and I forgot about the whole thing shortly thereafter.
Months later, I decided to join the AMRN with my new character idea, Julien Straub. Shade (who I had also met in person on that trip) and I conspired together to come up with the idea. Basically, Julien would be closeted gay, and he would realize the truth about himself by falling in love with Ryu Connor, Sean’s character. It was going to be a hoot, or so we thought.
So I started roleplaying with Julien, and I discovered that I was really, really liking it.
During the transfer story in which Julien and a crowd of others were shuffling into various squadrons on the Etrakis, I–or rather, Julien’s player–met Dawn–or rather, Dawn and her alter-ego Hellspawn. Oh, boy, this is more convoluted than I thought.
Julien and Iliana’s players, which were of course me and Dawn, began conversing through email. The messages were really interesting and “we” got to know each other quite well. Meanwhile, on ICQ, “Hellspawn”, who played on the AMRN, joined “Julien’s” contact list. Julien and Hellspawn talked for a bit about videogames and RPGs, but ultimately didn’t have much to say to each other. (I was having trouble pretending to be a man. I really had no interest in videogames and RPGs, and I didn’t know what else to talk about.)
Finally, Hellspawn decided that “he” could no longer lie to “his” good friend Julien, and spilled the beans in an email from Iliana, letting me know that they were one and the same person.
After receiving the email, I was sort of shocked, and I wasn’t sure what to think. When I saw Hellspawn on ICQ later, I sucked it up: “You play a pretty good woman, Hellspawn!”
Then Dawn responded with the killer: “That’s because I am one, dearie ^_~”
I about fell out of my chair. But I could hardly fault her, since I was doing the same thing.
I wanted to paste the log of that conversation here, but I seem to have lost all of my Julien chats :P I have checked all my backup CDs and DVDs and I guess I just never thought to copy over Julien’s ICQ stuff. I’m amazed that I didn’t save the chats as text files though. What was I thinking?
In any case, I didn’t tell her who I was for awhile. I actually began living a double life, because as my chat logs with Sean attest, I met Dawn as Heather on January 21, 2000.
Me (9:02:38 PM): Hellspawn, huh?
Sean (9:02:59 PM): Yeah, approve her.
Me (9:03:02 PM): I did.
Me (9:04:02 PM): That’s the same person you were talking to that one time, right?
Sean (9:08:35 PM): Right.
I believe I’m slyly referring to “that girl who called you Ryu-chan?” without actually saying it. I was such a dork at the beginning of our relationship. ;>
Anyway, I don’t have any logs from Dawn until February 4, 2000. By that time we seemed to know each other’s secrets. This excerpt is interesting:
————————————–
ICQ History Log For:
64474335 Witch Child
Started on Wed Sep 27 15:56:59 2000
————————————–
COSLeia 2/15/00 2:31 PM This is weird.
Witch 2/15/00 2:43 PM I agree… ^_^
COSLeia 2/15/00 2:43 PM Back as me. And sure, I’ll talk to Boomer
Witch 2/15/00 2:44 PM ^_^
hold on a moment while I set it up?
COSLeia 2/17/00 4:01 PM :)
Witch 2/17/00 4:02 PM hehe… just noticed?
is Dave online btw? he hasn’t authorized me
yet
COSLeia 2/17/00 4:07 PM I’m not on as Julien so I can’t tell hold on
As you can see, after Dawn found out I was Julien, I still kept up the charade for quite a long time. I even had a few conversations with Sean as Julien, on AIM. O, the deception! These, of course, I managed to save. Just for kicks, here’s an example:
Hellfire00 (11:49:49 PM): Hmm, just Tuesday, was hoping for a new Penny-Arcade.
JulienStraub (11:49:52 PM): Oops. I have to go.
JulienStraub (11:49:59 PM): Penny-Arcade!
JulienStraub (11:50:06 PM): My gaming friends told me about that.
JulienStraub (11:50:08 PM): I never miss it now.
Sean (11:50:14 PM): It rulez.
JulienStraub (11:50:20 PM): 3r33t
Sean (11:50:28 PM): LOL, you know l33t speak!
JulienStraub (11:50:44 PM): I’m on AOL. What do you expect?
Sean (11:50:45 PM): OMG! I thought I was all alone!
Sean (11:50:46 PM): Roxor!
Sean (11:50:49 PM): Heh.
Sean (11:51:19 PM): Alright, take care man, I will chat at you tomorrow I am sure.
“My gaming friends”…peh.
And just for good measure…
JulienStraub (11:14:44 PM): Hello. ^_^
Sean (11:14:50 PM): Hello. ^_^
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay…
Hm. Well. This turned into more of a ramble about Julien than a discussion of my relationship with Dawn ^^;;;; I guess it would be easier to chronicle my friendship with her if I hadn’t seemingly lost all the old chats and emails. :( I don’t know why I didn’t save them. I’ve been saving things like that since 1996. Oh well. I must have lost it all in a format and forgotten to back up beforehand.
Well, I guess I can break the suspense and let the reader know how Dawn found out that I was Julien.
I was having trouble keeping the identities separate after I started talking to Dawn as myself, especially considering how close I had gotten to her as Julien. One day I was telling her about my struggle with cancer, and Dawn paused and then said, “This sounds familiar…”
I froze. I had told Dawn about having cancer as Julien, in email, and completely forgotten! I didn’t want to lie to her (I seem to have no problems with deception as long as I don’t have to actually lie straight out), and so after a moment of consternation, I finally said, “You probably remember it from Julien telling you about it. And I’m Julien.”
I’m sure Dawn almost fell out of her chair…and thus our true and open friendship began :>
Since Dawn and I really started to know each other, our friendship has really deepened and blossomed. I’ve never met her in person, but I can say without a doubt that she is the closest female friend I have. I wanted her to be the maid of honor at my wedding, but unfortunately she couldn’t make it. I told her that she was my maid of honor whether she was there or not, though :)
Since we became friends, I’ve watched Dawn go through some hard times, especially in her relationships. I wish I knew the right thing to do or say to help her find the man for her, but I guess it will just come in time. She seems to attract people who don’t appreciate her…and sadly enough she tends to cling to those people. I guess some of that is natural…women like the ‘strong, silent type’ and would actually rather be dismissed outright by a guy than coddled and pampered by one. But when it goes to the extreme, it’s just hurtful and sad. There needs to be a good balance…two people who know they love each other but who don’t lose their identities and opinions in the process. It’s hard to do, and a lot of it is purely left up to chance. (Who knew I would meet my perfect match in a Robotech chat room?)
I want Dawn to be happy. One of my goals in life once I’m rich ;) is to sponsor Dawn to come to the US. I know she wants to come here and meet everyone. I don’t know that she would necessarily want to stay, and I wouldn’t force her to do anything, but I would love to have her close, so we could hang out in person. It would just be great :>
I sometimes wonder how we would get along in person. She likes to go to clubs and stuff, and she’s a smoker. I imagine she drinks, too, but I’m not sure. Compared to Dawn, I’m pretty boring ^^;; I wonder if she would have fun with me, or if she would need more excitement in her life.
Maybe someday I’ll find out!
Gaila
I took off my shoes yesterday and set them next to my desk with my socks lying on top. They’ve been sitting there since then.
Seeing them in the periphery of my vision, I’ve managed to convince myself that they are various other things, since I don’t really expect anything to be at that spot on the floor. At once point I thought there was a huge dead mouse lying right next to my feet. But of late, every time I notice my shoes out of the corner of my eye, my brain gives me an image of my dog, Gaila, lying asleep next to my desk. It’s a comforting, normal-seeming image, and the first few times I saw it I looked down as if preparing to reach down and pet her. Of course, she’s not there. Now that that image has occurred to me, it’s all I see.
It’s odd, because I don’t know that I miss Gaila. I think I miss the idea of Gaila.
A few days ago the guys in the chatroom were talking about their dogs. Sam has apparently had a dog like Misho–intelligent to the point of being a member of the family. Carver had a similar experience with his dog, who unfortunately had to be put to sleep recently. As everyone spoke about their dogs, I realized that I had never made that connection with mine.
I remember the day I picked her out. She was so tiny. I was wearing a tank top with a flannel shirt over it, so I buttoned the shirt and put her inside, carrying her around in the makeshift pouch. The name ‘Gaila’ came to me out of the blue; to this day I don’t know why I called her that. I had been considering ‘Leia’, but I thought the boys would make fun of me…plus I wasn’t sure I wanted to attach a Star Wars reference to my dog. I wanted her to have her own reference.
When we were finally able to take our dogs home, they lived in the basement for a long time, locked up in cages my dad built. Once they were potty-trained, they stayed in our rooms with us. We were trying to train them to walk with a leash, but we didn’t work with them much, and ultimately they never learned. I think AJ got Hairy to be a pretty obedient, intelligent dog, but I never felt that Gaila was anything out of the ordinary.
She was a fast dog. She loved to run and catch the ball, and 99% of the time she would beat her brothers to it. I once threw the ball for her so much that she almost passed out from heat and exhaustion. I was horrified that she had continued running despite her tiredness, that I had nearly run my dog to death. My parents said that Misho had been like that, too; he’d run until he couldn’t run anymore if you told him to.
I still wonder to this day whether or not I gave my dog brain damage, destroyed her chances of being that intelligent dog I wanted so much.
I made other mistakes with Gaila. One time, giving her a bath, I wrung out her ears to dry them. Why I thought this was a good idea, I don’t know. I think I busted up the cartilage, because her ears aren’t flat anymore. They look wrinkled.
The biggest regretful memory I have with Gaila is what happened when she lost her leg. Dan Yoder had been the one to let them outside that night. It was pitch black out and impossible to see. Due to some construction my parents were having done (I believe it was the retaining wall for leveling the yard), there was a pile of rebar lying in the backyard. Gaila ran right into a piece of rebar and shattered her right shoulder.
When she screamed that night, I should have gone to her. I didn’t. AJ went and got her and someone else ended up carrying her to the car to take her to the vet. The next day, when it was determined that her shoulder couldn’t be repaired, AJ and Mom were the ones who made the decision to remove her leg, as it would only be dangling there in the way. They took her in for the operation; I arrived with the family to get her when it was over.
She came walking out with a huge line of stitches on her shoulder, stumbling towards me. She seemed perplexed by the fact that nothing was holding her up on that side, and she looked like she was on the verge of falling with every step. At that moment I hated everything, but I especially hated myself…for not loving her more.
I think part of the reason I am not attached to Gaila as much as I try to convince myself I want to be is because I don’t want to be responsible. Because I know I am responsible for bad things that have happened to her already. I want her to be safe and well taken care of, and she is those things at home, with Mom. She is Mom’s dog now, and Mom watches over her better than I ever did. Mom knows Gaila’s eccentricities, like how she can’t have dog chews because she’ll swallow them whole and choke and vomit all over. Mom has been the one to love Gaila. I was never there for her, even when she slept in my room.
And so really it’s not that Gaila wasn’t good enough for me, as I used to think. It’s that I’m not good enough for her.
She’s only 17! O_O
Sam said something tonight on IRC concerning a character of mine that I would like to immortalize.
<Ironside> But Celia has legs a guy could suck on for a week.
So…yeah.
He’s actually referring to a picture that Barricade edited, originally from a Korean video game called Magna Carta. Here is his version of the pic. He also says that the line is a movie quote…but what a line. I was like o_o…
…a whole week…yum…
*cough*
Anyway, it’s from The Naked Gun, a movie I love, but actually haven’t seen in its entirety. I should go rent it :>
And that’s about it for that.
My mutant power; plus, musical musings
My current blog entries–or lack thereof–would indicate that I haven’t eaten food in awhile, but that is not actually the case. Yes, I’m afraid that I have been lying through omission, and so now I will come clean.
Last night I ate:
I also had two Slim-Fast shakes, one of which was regrettably made with some whole milk, as I have exhausted the skim milk supply. Later on in the night as I grew more despondent and bored, I ate
and
I’m pretty sure that’s all the damage I did, though.
My only meal today consisted of:
After the fiasco that was the dinner I’d slaved over for a whole hour (gasp!), Sean and I ran out to Checkers. I felt ill for a little while, but it soon passed. (I swear, my mutant power is the ability to digest ANYTHING. This is, perhaps, not so much a power as it is a curse.)
As I ate my lovely burger and fries (and drank that lovely cup of caffeine), I began to feel much better. In the chat room I was bouncing off the walls, and as you can see below I was also playing Dynomite. Too. Much. Fun. I didn’t beat any of my high scores, but I was really enjoying myself. I was also talking out loud. For example, when the game said “Uh, Whirley’s coming!” I would respond, “Come on, Whirley! Let’s be friends! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Then, of course, I would whack him. Other comments included “Dammit,” “Shit,” and “AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”
Somehow Celine Dion’s song “My Heart Will Go On” came up as a topic for discussion in the chat, and so I pulled out my old, dusty mp3 and gave it a listen. Such a good song. After that I started waxing sentimental about old pop music I used to listen to, so I played several mp3s from Madonna’s Ray of Light album. I really loved that album for awhile; back at GRW I used to listen to it all the time. That and Ace of Base’s The Sign.
Right now I’m listening to Donna Lewis’ “I Love You Always Forever”. I was living in Huntsville when this song first came out. At the time I was somewhat infatuated with one of the guys taking ground school with me out at this little podunk airport north of town. He had this dark, musty look to him…he looked like he had some good stories to tell. And he was always going on adventures. In fact, eventually he stopped coming to ground school because he’d not only 1) gone to Germany but 2) fallen in love with a girl he’d met while there. Guys like that just fascinate me. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship with one…but then I don’t know if guys like that are stable enough to have a long-term relationship.
In any case, whenever the Donna Lewis song came on, I would picture his face in my mind…and when she sang the line “You’ve got the most unbelieveable blue eyes I’ve ever seen,” I would think “green”…because boy, did he ever.