December 4, 1994, 10:35 am – Beta Convention (16 years old)

I never found Alex. My suicidal thoughts and angry feelings about myself are gone. Thank you Midol.

I called AJ last night, collect from a pay phone. I actually wanted to talk to Mom, but she was at work. But talking to AJ was actually good. He is a sweetie.

He & Kristanne rented “Regarding Henry” and “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom” on Saturday, and watched them at her house. They had a good day, though I didn’t.

Oh well. It wasn’t the worst day I’ve ever had.

I still feel bad because I think I really hurt Alex’s feelings. I don’t know what I can do about it. I’ll try to get a hold of a Louisville phone book and find his address. Though I can’t pronounce his last name, I’d recognize it if I saw it. I know it started with an “M”.

Michael tried to tell me that it wasn’t my fault. He’s such a nice guy. He was too good for me. I lost him because I thought he wasn’t.

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December 3, 1994, 6:26 PM – Beta Convention (16 years old)

Is it vain to love your own eyes? Mine are so wonderful, and it’s so great to have contact lenses so that other people can see them.

They’re a lovely shade of blue-grey, speckled almost but gradual enough to be a fuzzy conglomeration of color.

When I came to this convention I didn’t think I’d have much to write about. Turns out I have lots to say but no time to say it in!

Gotta go, but will return. -general assembly & dance time!

8:55- I’m back, & I’m not a happy camper. I was so excited before, but now I’m depressed. The thing w/Alex…I didn’t get to run for president…I didn’t win in Creative Writing. Barf! I must have next to no talent whatsoever. Occasionally I come off with a good line, but the rest of the time I must stink. (At least in timed writings!)

The reader doesn’t know about the thing w/Alex, does he? He’s a guy who kind of picked me up yesterday when I was depressed. I don’t feel like going into the details at this position of the earth’s rotation. Why? I’m just too depressed, bud.

So will I go to yonder dance? I haven’t any idea. I was going to go & wear my green pants outfit, but now I’m not too sure.

Want to know why I hate pictures? I look ugly when I smile.

I really do. I have a fat face and when I smile, all the fat pouches up and hides my eyes. I would have decently-accentuated cheekbones if I wasn’t so overweight.

And to think that this book was supposed to be a romantic tale of the life of a teenager. Tragedy sells, to be sure, but that’s not the kind of autobiography I wanted to write. Well, that’s life, and things never turn out exactly the way you expect them to. So I might go to that dance and actually have a good time. But most likely I’ll just get more depressed, because I’m not a very outgoing person. Oh well–going to try on my pants outfit now. —

9:13- I’m reverting back into the self-destructive hatred of Heather Aubrey of my sophomore year.

I hate myself! I was so rude to Alex, my writing sucks, Michael never really wanted to date me in the first place, I’m fat, I’m ugly, I’m stupid, and I cry over ignorant things. Like I’m crying now.

I’m such an awful person! No wonder poor Alex never tried to find me after last night.

My hideous ponch sticks out so far I look terrible in my beautiful pants outfit. My waist must be ten inches more around than it should be.

And I thought my creative writing piece was good. Just shows that I’m stuck up to boot.

I want to call Mom. I think I’ll try. No reason for her not to be home, unless she’s at work :(

Can’t. These phones don’t call long-distance.

My butt is so huge! And my flabby face dwarfs the only good thing about me (my eyes), so even they’re not beautiful.

I’m not going to eat dinner tonight. I need to lose weight. I’m so ugly. Maybe if I lose 15 pounds I’ll look good, but it will probably take more than that. (15 off would only put me at 135, and the average girl of my height should weigh 115. I’m lame, huh, weighing 150 now. That’s 35 pounds I have to lose, and of course, I can’t do it.

I’m so lazy, dumb, procrastinative, unmotivated, lethargic…I’d need a Thesaurus to cover all the facets of my horrible self.

It’s awful being this way and a perfectionist too. Being down on myself makes me even more unattractive than I already am.

Alex was such a nice guy! I’m such an idiot! He was caring enough to offer a depressed girl a place with him at dinner. (That would be me.) He was sweet enough to give someone a quarter to use the telescope out on the river.

He liked Star Wars!!

I’m such a fool!

I was consoling myself earlier with the thought that I’d never see him again, but that’s cruel.

I need to go to the dance and find him. Sitting up here rotting over self-hatred isn’t going to do me any good. I have to make amends for treating him the way I did!

11:27- I couldn’t find Alex. Plus, I had a horrible time at the dance, per my prediction. It’s probably my attitude. I expect to have a bad time, and it happens. Maybe someday I’ll be able to go to a dance and actually enjoy it.

I’d have to be outrageously thin though, so I could “shake it” without flopping my fatrolls. Yuck! Michael says he’ll teach me how to dance if I ever want to learn. I might take him up on that.

I was getting suicidal earlier. I hate that. Thought it stopped my sophomore year. But no, it started again this year. Great.

I think it’s George coming. Perhaps my bad thoughts will go away. I’m already feeling better because I took 2 Midols.

Malinda (one of my 3 roomies) brought a guy back to the room. Just like I brought Alex back here yesterday. That’s so sad.

I think I’ll go try to find him again, & then mingle w/ my friends. He should be leaving tonight.

March 30, 1987 (8 years old)

Lion-O is working for Panthro in the workshop. He is going to make a loft. Wily Kat’s biking has improved. Today in CatSchool, I bought four animal erasers and ten eraser tops at the store. Cheetara is making marang for the lemon Maringe pie.

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December 10, 1987 (9 years old)

Today started out great! Guess what? I gave Lou a note (our bus driver) about how the kids on the bus teased us and she made them stop! We got to hear a band play and when we rode on the bus home, Misty was nice to us, and she talked nice with us!

P.S. I got to play with Beth & Amy, and drew with them! Today is great!

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January 9, 1992 (13 years old)

I am using all of these pages so I can catch up on the year. Right now I’m at Kitty’s. We got her from the cancer place and took her back to her apartment. There, we watched MacGyver.

9:44 PM – Now I’m home. Earlier we went to Randall’s, which is behind Little Caesar’s across from Kitty’s. We bought groceries for Kitty and then, when we got back, ordered a pizza. It was good, and while we ate we watched the very first Superman in the black-and-white series that eventually turned all color. It was neat.

Tomorrow is Dad’s birthday. I am giving him an electric shaver with Mom & the boys that cost like 60 bucks. But he won’t know that.

Well, now let me explain a bit about myself. I’m 13, but will turn 14 in May this year. I go to school at JCMS (Jessamine County Middle School) and am in 8th grade. I love my teachers. In fact, I always love my teachers.

I’m different from everyone else in that I’m smarter and weirder…or at least I show that I’m weird.

I like to write stories about the Ninja Turtles and Darkwing Duck. I also like to write essays and poems. I was entered in the Governor’s Cup Competition the past two years. In 6th grade I won 2nd place in Distric and Regional competitions but nothing at State. Then in 7th grade I won 4th in District and nothing in Regional. This year I hope to do better.

Another talent I have is drawing. I have been doing this since I was a small child, so I suppose practice helped me get so good. Drawing projects seem fairly easy to me, yet I set my goals so high. And then I’m discouraged if I don’t do well.

I suppose I am a creative person. At the end of each school year, some classes give awards to the students. If there’s a creative award, I get it. Well, I can’t help it although it drives me crazy that that’s the main word people associate with me.

Today’s Thursday. Yesterday at church people wrote nice things about a certain person on that person’s card which was taped to their back. When I read mine, shockingly none of them had written “creative”. There was “artistic” though, and someone even wrote “pretty”. I wonder if that person had the right girl. I know I’m not pretty.

As for school, I am pretty well rounded in all subjects. I have Algebra 1, French, Social Studies, Shop, English (Advanced), Art, and Advanced Science, which is the hardest because no one in our class listens and then we fail the tests. But mostly I get A’s. I got straight A’s on my report card and midterms are coming out next Wednesday.

Maybe you’d like to know what I look like. I have long blond hair that reaches to my waist with bangs so long they’re not bangs anymore. I have blue eyes, freckles, accented cheekbones, small eyes, and glasses. As for my body…I have a womanly frame but blubber covering it up.

Pet peeves- rudeness, Satan, people who make fun of classical music, etc.

I LOVE: pizza, the Turtles, Darkwing Duck, painting T-shirts, having parties, root beer, and playing the piano.

Oh. Did I neglect to mention that I am a pianist? Well I am. I’ve been playing for six years, ’92 being the seventh. Come Nov. and I’ll have reached 7.

I love to read too. My brothers, AJ, 12, and Ben, 10, aren’t as interested in books as I am.

Je suis fatiguee (YAWN). It’s 10:00. Actually 10:13. I’ll need to get up early since there’s school tomorrow.

Speaking of school, I need to tell who I hang with!

Surprisingly, the majority of my friends live in Wilmore, a tiny town near Nicholasville, where I live, which is a small town near Lexington. My friends live in Wilmore because their fathers are all going to Asbury College training to be ministers. When they’re finished, the family will move away. This has already happened to me and will happen again.

First I’ll tell you about Noelle. She’s my all-time BEST friend, but she lives in Maryland. Her dad’s a minister, and she moved away.

We used to do so much stuff! We saw The Little Mermaid, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze, and The Rocketeer in the theater. Cool! But now she’s gone. We call each other long-distance and write letters.

As for other friends, there are: Christy, who will be moving this year, Melodie, moving, Kristanne, not moving, “Teeny”, not moving. Those are my basic friends, but there are lots more. I’m in Frnech with Teeny & Kristanne and we love to parler francais! Our teacher, Madame Fields, est formidable.

My mom is a wonderful person. She comes up with great party ideas. I had a sweatshirt painting party the 20th of Dec. and am planning on having a party where we’ll make earrings. Cool!

Well, I’m tired and there’s school tomorrow. It’s 10:25, January 9, 1992. (Dix Vingtquatre, le neuf Janvier, mil neuf cent quatre-vingt douze.)

Well, gotta pray. Be back tomorrow. G’night.

Heather
A.K.A.
Donatello
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Sometimes you just need your friends.

I didn’t go back to work after lunch. I called in, essentially, and we’re going to have a discussion about my problems with the job on Monday. I have until then to crystallize all the issues into a concise format.

Emotionally exhausted, I went to bed. I had plans with Mari and crew to bike ride, so I left her a message on BoB to call me when I should come over. She did call, twice, but I didn’t hear the phone. Finally at 6:45, I woke up, checked my messages, and called her back. Due to the rain, they hadn’t gone biking, and they hadn’t had dinner yet either, so I was still welcome to go.

I got dressed and left the bedroom and discovered that Sean was in the office on his computer. “You’re here,” I said, and for a long time I just hugged him. I let him know I was leaving, and we said goodbye again, and then I left.

Mari, Kelly, Chris and I watched the last two episodes of El Hazard–pretty good stuff. We had this turkey cheese wrap thing and home fries…mmm. Then Chris had to leave. Mari and I ate some cake, and then we all watched the first episode of The Prisoner. It looks really neat, and I want to watch the rest of it.

After that we just sat around talking, about all kinds of stuff. Education, welfare, stupid people…;> I feel like everyone is complacent about the educational system…at least complacent enough not to try to enact big changes. The few people who are interested in that aren’t able to get the support they need because of this. It makes me wonder if I shouldn’t try to get my personal ideas about education out to more people, to try and drum up some interest. Our current educational system is too outdated for the modern world, and I don’t think we can afford to stay this way for much longer. Of course, I don’t know if my ideas are good enough, but at least they’re something. We’ll see.

Regardless, after spending time with my friends, I do feel much better. I’m sure the nap (and chocolate cake) helped too, but mostly I just like being with people who are interesting and who are interested in me, and doing things that we all like. It’s really calming and refreshing.

I still don’t know what I want to do about my job. On the one hand, it has been a great opportunity for me. I have at least some influence in decisions, and my ideas are appreciated. I’ve come up with a couple of different things that may be implemented later. This sort of thing makes me feel special and important…but I don’t know if that outweighs the other stuff.

[An extended description of what I dislike appeared here earlier. I have removed it out of consideration for my employer. Ultimately, writing it out helped me to determine that there are two things I would like my boss to do.]

At this point, I’m thinking that if he can’t do these things, I’ll tender my resignation. But that’s just how I feel right now. We’ll see how I feel after the weekend.

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I wish I loved my job

I used to love it, but now it’s just all fucked up, and I hate it, and everything sucks, and I don’t know what to do other than cry.

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A defense of the war on terror

I started a thread on the Sushicam forums, mainly to react to a statement by CoolMoDee in the comments. I ended up writing quite a bit, and I’d like to archive it here. This is probably the first time I’ve expressed my feelings about the war in Iraq.

The quotes below are from CoolMoDee’s comment, and the rest is me.

If bush does lose the election(and right now, its not looking to good for him), I don’t think it will send a message that they can continue doing that [the beheadings] and get their way. I think they will see the change in power/political party as the cause for it.

Well, but who caused the change in power/political party? The voters. And why did they vote that way? A myriad number of reasons. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to assume that at least some terrorists will think that the voters have been terrorized into voting Bush out. This will then be an affirmation of their actions. Obviously they want Bush out too.

I honestly don’t know what the right thing to do is. If I was in charge, I would be paralyzed by indecision. There are too many ways for people to be hurt.

I also wanted to respond to this:

As far as people getting beheaded, I know it sucks, really bad, and they shouldn’t be doing that, but they (the contracters etc) knew the risk of going into an active war zone.

I’m not sure people expected kidnappings and beheadings when they volunteered their time to help out in Iraq. I think they were expecting to be blown up or shot…something “civilized”. Kidnappings and beheadings are not straightforward and they are very personal. They are completely opposite to what I think the average person expects out of a war. They are acts of terrorism.

Regardless of how we got into the mess in Iraq, we are fighting terrorists there now, people who want to force us to do their wishes and to eventually destroy us. I really can’t see it in any other way. If we bow to their desires, we’re giving them a foothold.

But you’re right, I mean, what can we do? How can we stop it without letting them win? All I can think of is to continue to hunt them, but in the meantime more deaths will occur.

And what, then, do we tell the people who want to help? If we only let the military in and no civilians, isn’t that a victory for terrorism too?

I don’t know, sometimes I feel so far removed from the majority of the opinions I see online. I don’t understand those opinions, but everyone seems to have them and to agree that they are perfectly logical. I guess we’re all coming from a different place. Me, I’m terrified of losing my personal freedom to go to work and not worry about being killed on the way there. I’m worried about the US being unable to stop terrorism, and terrorism becoming more widespread, seen as a viable means of getting one’s way. I’m worried about anarchy. And I can’t help but see what’s going on in Iraq as a very important milestone in the “war on terror”–the crossroads of whether or not we will remain a civilized world.

I guess I should explain “civilized”…because maybe people don’t believe we are civilized, either. Basically what I mean by that is, there are established guidelines for how to act in a society, and these include how to wage war. Biological and nuclear weapons are frowned upon because of these ethics…and so is the slaying of innocent civilians, people who have not chosen to fight.

I’m not saying that the US, or any other nation for that matter, has not made mistakes and broken these rules. But I am saying that these rules exist, and that most people in nations who adhere to these rules would agree that they should be followed.

What we are seeing now is a gradual moving away from these rules, to a more “anything goes” sort of warfare–at least on the part of the terrorists. Civilians are now fair game. Biological and nuclear weapons would be used, if the terrorists could get their hands on any.

But people don’t seem to be worried about this at all…that’s what I can’t understand. People seem to be ignoring the different gradations and the contrasts between different ways of waging war…they’re caught, instead, in the infinite loop of “war is bad”.

Well, yes. Obviously war is bad. But it’s going to happen, so we need to start thinking about how war is waged, and how we want to wage it, and where we want the world to go. What we do now is going to set the tone for all wars in the future. If we try to take the high road by saying war is bad, if we just leave at this juncture, it’s not going to make the terrorists stop. They’re not going to say, “Ah, yes, you see, war is bad. We’ll stop waging it too.” They’re going to keep doing what they think they need to do to get what they want.

Let me mention that I can understand where they’re coming from, in a way. If you think of the world in terms of “West” versus “East”, then the East, while actually bigger and more populous, is the “minority”. Countries that have Westernized themselves, like Japan, have a better chance of getting their way, or at least of being able to live their lives the way they want to. The “Middle East” does not wish to Westernize itself in the same way Japan did. I imagine they feel coerced, pressured by the “ruling” culture. They want power and influence and the right to live their own lives, but they feel that their culture is contaminated from all the outside Western influences.

Some have dealt with that in whatever ways they can. But some have decided that the only way to deal with the problem is to completely destroy the “West”, and that is what I can’t understand. It’s a hatred, an intolerance that goes far beyond muttered racial slurs.

This sounds like a “don’t hate us because we’re superior” argument, but I would also say “don’t hate others because they’re different”. I have nothing against the religion of Islam, or people who want to practice it. My best friend from high school married a Muslim from Pakistan. My problem is with intolerance of any kind, towards anyone, and that includes any “privileged class”.

If we back out, I fear that we will essentially be telling them that they can do whatever they want. They can ignore what hundreds of years of warfare have taught us: that civilized warfare is the only way to ensure any sort of peace and understanding afterwards. There is no way, ultimately, for them to do what they’re doing and for others to never resent them for it. They will have to crush us if they continue to using these tactics, because diplomatically they have no leg to stand on.

We don’t have a perfect system right now for waging war. Obviously, the perfect system would be one in which war never had to occur. We’re nowhere near close to that. But we have made progress, and we have been learning. What’s happening now in Iraq is a crucial point. Will we continue to learn and grow towards an enlightened future, or will we allow terror and anarchy to become the new world order?

Those are, essentially, my thoughts. Again, let me stress that I don’t have a solution…I’m just sharing my concerns. I feel that a no-tolerance policy towards terrorism is better than letting them do as they wish; I can’t think of a better solution, and if I could I would embrace it eagerly. There has been too much bloodshed on all sides. But I think it’s important that we ensure that none of it was in vain.

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DAY TWELVE

I couldn’t manage to force myself out of bed at 5 this morning, and it was only with the strength of will of something with very great strength of will :> that I forced myself to stay up after shutting off the alarm at 6. So, no morning workout today. Hopefully we will bike or do something else tonight.

Sean’s leaving for his LAN party straight from work, so we said goodbye last night.

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I am up way too late.

I’m glad tomorrow’s Friday. I’m looking forward to sleeping in on Saturday morning. Sean will be gone all weekend at a LAN party, so I can pretty much do whatever I want. So far my plans include sleep, sleep, and sleep.

I went biking with Mari, Kelly, and Chris tonight. For about the first half of the trail (a quarter of our total distance), I felt terrible. My legs were burning, and not in a good way, but in a “they’re about to fall off” way. Finally I got Kelly to raise the seat for me…and things were infinitely better. I was still tired, but that’s understandable. As Mari pointed out, this is my first time doing the full track twice in one week.

Towards the end of the ride, it started drizzling. We hurried to get back, and to my amazement I was able to ride up the hill quickly and with less effort than normal. I’d been expecting to have to get off and walk, after that long ride.

We went to Monterrey for dinner, then went by Mari and Kelly’s new house (it’s almost finished!) and then went back to their apartment and watched several episodes of El Hazard. The weirdness was a bit much for Chris. I think it’s all right, though I’d really like to see it subbed instead of dubbed. I guess I’m one of those “purists” or something…I feel like I understand an anime on a deeper level when I hear it in Japanese.

Speaking of which…the end of Sailor Moon 35, where Usagi realizes that Minako is Sailor Venus, was very striking to me the other day. So much so that when I was pulling out of my apartment complex later, and traffic wouldn’t let me go for awhile, I cried out “Uso!” instead of my usual curse. :>

Anyway, I do love Jinnai’s dubbed laughter…it’s pretty damn funny. He’s probably my favorite character, to be honest. The rest are kind of bland, even the evil bishounen child molester and the horny lesbian.

Planning on going biking with the same crew tomorrow. Yes, I am insane. O_o Maybe I can convince them all to come swimming afterwards.

Okay, it’s like, totally time for bed.

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The mysterious pants

When I bought these jeans at Wal-Mart–about a week ago–I thought I was getting the same size as my other pants of the same brand/style, which fit me perfectly the last time I wore them. However, when I got home I discovered that they were two sizes smaller (you know how they always count in twos in the upper women’s sizes…one of those gradations). I tentatively put them on, just to see…and not only did they fit, but they were loose!

Now, I can pull them out about four inches from my waist. I haven’t washed them yet, so I’m expecting some shrinkage. If I lose weight and they don’t shrink much, they may become unwearable :>

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Uh…whoa.

Let’s just say that Princess Serenity kicks ass, and leave it at that O_O;;;;;

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DAY ELEVEN

One lap around the complex, no handweights. My muscles were all feeling pretty tight, so I spent extra time on stretching everything. Five minutes on the stairclimber, and then my usual crunches and leg lifts routine. I went up to 15 weak-ass quads-on-the-floor pushups…I am determined to be able to do a proper pushup someday. (At least this time I didn’t have my stomach on the floor.)

Now I’m drinking a French Vanilla Slim Fast, and I’m about to watch Sailor Moon 36 :)

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Tennis was a go!

Paul and I managed maybe half an hour of tennis in the sweltering (and I do mean sweltering) heat. The sweat was literally pouring. It was good, though.

We went swimming afterwards, until Sean came home. Then we all ordered Wife Saver and had it delivered (yay 2go-Box!) and watched Aishiteruze Baby 11. Poor Kokoro-chan…:( Just because she’s a “big girl” doesn’t mean she doesn’t get lonely. Kippei needs to get a clue and tell Yuzu that she has to share.

I smell distinctly of chlorine.

Downloading Sailor Moon 36 right now. Can’t wait! but will have to anyway.