Giving up

I’m at a dangerous point right now, where I want to give up and run away from many things. Primarily I want to quit my job, but yesterday I started feeling discouraged about exercise as well. I don’t want how I’m currently feeling to screw me up, but right now it’s so easy to just want to stop worrying about working or exercising and just lose myself in books and anime.

Yesterday, between Harry Potter movies, Mari, Brooke and I went bike-riding. The two of them have been riding much longer than I have, and they both ride more frequently than I do. They also do other exercise, like walking or going to the gym. I am way behind both of them in terms of fitness.

I was successful in not letting this get to me until yesterday, when we rode down a different way on the bike trail. There was hardly any coasting to be had; it was all pedaling, and by the time we got back to the regular stretch my legs literally would not move. It was like the muscles didn’t want to function. I could walk fine, and I wasn’t particularly out of breath, so this was extraordinarily annoying to me. I felt like the Supreme Wuss of Wussonia.

So they went on, and I headed back towards the apartment, just wanting to die.

When they finally got back, they were panting heavily and glowing and smiling. As they talked about what a pain their ride had been, I was so jealous. I wanted to be pushing myself to the limit, going further. I wanted to be able to ride my bike really fast over 7+ miles, and then grin and complain about it. Already I was feeling those old familiar feelings…I should have been able to do that. I just quit because I’m a baby. I’m so lazy and stupid.

“Someday I’ll catch up to you guys,” I said, trying to bolster my spirits, but it really didn’t work. I’m back at that point yet again where I realize I’m not the best at something and that it will take a lot of work to catch up. This is the point at which I usually stop trying…at which I give in to my self-brainwashing. Too fat/stupid/ugly/lazy/untalented/boring to do what I feel like I want to be or should be doing.

It seems like I keep being faced with these huge challenges, and my emotions are warring with themselves over every one of them. Do I stand and fight for the first time in my life? Or do I continue to run?

How many times have I had this conversation with myself?

Happy Birthday to me!

Last year, when I turned 25, I was in a new city with few acquaintances and family around me. I knew that I wasn’t going to be getting a sweet little birthday party like I would have gotten at home, with cake and presents and a nice family dinner. So I decided to have my own party.

I invited all the people I had met through Sean’s friend Paul to come over one evening to play games, eat dinner, and hang out. I baked and decorated my own chocolate cake with white frosting. And I cooked a meal, which I think was curry beef (I’ve cooked for friends several times in the past year, so I’m having trouble remembering).

We played cards and videogames, and just talked and ate. It was a fun time. Leonard skunked me, Kelly, and Chris at Hearts, although I was doing pretty well. I think Mari and Kathy spent the entire evening talking about bellydancing ;) And Dave, Paul, and Sean (and maybe some others, I can’t quite remember now) stayed glued to the TV, playing some sort of game on the Xbox. (We don’t have one; two guests brought theirs and we hooked them up to both of our TVs.)

My guests had fun and I had fun. I remember thinking, though, that only a loser would have to organize her own birthday party. Why didn’t people want to throw me one? Didn’t anybody like me? But I squashed these thoughts as best I could, with the logic that I was new in town, and not many people knew it was my birthday anyway.

A year passed; I became close to Mari, Kelly, and Chris, and added a new friend, Brooke. The time for my birthday came around again.

This time, I didn’t even think about people throwing me a party. Instead, I already knew what I wanted–to spend time celebrating my birthday with my new friends. So I announced my intention to have a party, and we all picked a date–yesterday–and agreed on what to do–watch anime, eat Japanese food delivered from Mikoto, and go bowling.

I bought snack food, drinks, ice cream, and a “backup cake”. Kelly made his famous chess cake (which is sinfully rich and delicious) and he and Mari brought M&M sugar cookies. Brooke didn’t have to work, so she was able to come this time. Chris, unfortunately, already had plans for that weekend, so he wasn’t able to make it. Apparently he is willing to commit seppuku to make up for this crime ;>

When everyone arrived, we first just hung out talking while Kelly made the chess cake. (He is only a month away from getting a full-size kitchen! Woohoo!) While the cake baked, we watched the first five episodes of Naruto–up through the bell test. I think Brooke is afraid of Kakashi ;> Then we took some time out from our snacking on chips, dip, veggies, and cheese to eat cake and ice cream. By the time we were done, we were so stuffed that we pretty much had to go out and take two laps around the apartment complex, which we did. The geese hissed at us to stay away from their goslings, beaks parted and long round tongues sticking out. Mari and I led the pack, while Brooke and Kelly hung back and talked. We all had way too much sugar :D

Mari and Kelly had brought their Gamecube and some games, so we started playing when we got done with our walk. I didn’t care too much for Super Smash Bros., mostly because I had no idea what I was doing. Warioware was really fun–and really strange. (To the delight of the others, I entered my name as “fuck”. This led to some interesting phrases on the screen in the minigames, like “while praising fuck…” and “li’l fuck wins!” I had really only chosen the name because “Heather” was too long ;>) Mario Kart was, of course, Mario Kart–I can play racing games until the cows come home. But I think my favorite game of the evening, which took forever and a half to finish, was Mario Party 5. Lots of different games to play while trying to gather the most stars–there was strategy and then pure chance, just like a real board game. I was in the lead, but Brooke came from behind at the very end with a zillion “bonus points” to take the win. (It reminded me of Gryffindor conveniently besting Slytherin in the first Harry Potter book…;>)

We stopped playing Mario Party to eat dinner. It was fantastic–several shared appetizers, sushi, and miso soup for me. Then we finished off our game before finally heading out to Brunswick for bowling.

Our lane was pretty shitty–when the bowling guy tells you that “it was messed up, but now it’s fixed”, just ask for another lane :> The monitor was all screwed up so that the option buttons were hanging off the edge of the screen (or, later, scrunched into the middle, but you had to touch the part of the screen where they would normally be in order to access them, which was challenging). The pin counter got things wrong several times–I think I lost three points due to that, but maybe more. And the pinsetter also messed up a few times, leaving one pin missing when it set them all up for the next person.

But we didn’t let it bother us too much. Kelly and Brooke, totally hopped up on sugar, continued their running gag from Mario Party, in which they would count by flipping each other off. “How many pins are left, Brooke? One?”–and the middle finger would be up, somewhere; scratching an eyebrow, tucked against the chest or body, etc. Brooke was laughing uncontrollably for much of the time :)

I did really well in the first game, getting strikes and spares galore; my score was 147! The second game didn’t go as well; my arm was fatigued from holding and throwing the ball, and my balance had started going off a little, so I wasn’t as deft as I’d been. I did manage a few strikes and spares, but my final score was something like 98. We’d paid for two hours (and gotten a pitcher of Sprite as part of the deal), so we didn’t have time to finish a third game. That was fine by us, because we were pretty tired by then–it was after midnight!

All in all, it was great fun. I was really glad to get to spend that much time with my friends, and do all those fun things :) I’d originally wanted to watch much more anime than we ended up watching, but that’s no big deal. It can get boring just sitting around watching stuff with no breaks for something else. And plus, playing those games was great!

Mari, Kelly, Brooke, and Chris also all chipped in to get me a great birthday present: Friends season 2! :D Mari said, “It’s so fitting, to get Friends from your friends!” Kelly’s response: “That’s so clever, Mari.” ;D They also gave me a hilarious card; on the cover is a picture of the view a driver has while driving a car, and in the rear-view mirror is…Death! Inside the card, it says “Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.” ;D

I couldn’t have asked for a better birthday party. I’m not sure anything would have happened if I hadn’t organized it, but unlike last year, I don’t think that makes me a loser, or unloved. Think of it this way: how many times have you organized a party for someone else? ;> I think planning your own party is really the best way to go, because you know that you’re going to do stuff that you like. Plus, your friends don’t have to worry about what they should do for you–all they have to do is show up. It really just takes the stress off for everyone. The proactive approach: always a good choice. :)

Today is my actual birthday. I got a call from Grandma Flo to wish me a happy day :) She was hoping to come over and give me my card, but I had already made plans to go to Mari and Kelly’s for a Harry Potter bingefest. So she’s going to mail it. I feel bad about not being able to see her, but I wish she’d given me more notice.

Cheryl and Reid are down in Beaufort (pronounced Buford, which is really confusing because there is also a Buford, GA) this weekend, hanging out with Cheryl’s friend Martha at the beach. They’ll be going to the lake as soon as they get back. Since they knew they wouldn’t be seeing me, they already sent me my card :)

Mom is sending me something, too, and I have no idea what it is. All I know is that it’s late ;>

So now I’m looking forward to a fun day of working out and watching the Harry Potter movies with Mari and Brooke. What a nice weekend :)

Never cut and dry

I was told today that I have “some” ovary damage, and that in order to conceive I will need to see an endocrinologist.

This is good news because it means there is still hope. But I had been preparing myself for a more definitive answer.

You’d think I’d be used to being strung along by now.

Geekalicious

You are 39% geek

You are a geek liaison, which means you go both ways. You can hang out with normal people or you can hang out with geeks which means you often have geeks as friends and/or have a job where you have to mediate between geeks and normal people. This is an important role and one of which you should be proud. In fact, you can make a good deal of money as a translator.

Normal: Tell our geek we need him to work this weekend.

You [to Geek]: We need more than that, Scotty. You’ll have to stay until you can squeeze more outta them engines!

Geek [to You]: I’m givin’ her all she’s got, Captain, but we need more dilithium crystals!

You [to Normal]: He wants to know if he gets overtime.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

It’s pretty bad when you have to fix html errors in the results of a geek quiz. I mean, come on.

Just in case any of you were confused, the previous post was written by my husband.

I fell asleep sometime yesterday afternoon and didn’t get up again until this morning. I didn’t want to get up even then, but duty calls. Work is really annoying right now because I’m doing order-taking and dispatch, two things I never wanted to do, and which I told Robert time and time again that I didn’t want to do. He has invested some time in talking me into it; this happens every week or so. The last time, I got a $0.50/hr raise, which unfortunately doesn’t make it any more worth it to me.

It’s not that I can’t do it, I can–I just don’t want to. I don’t like having to drop everything and answer the phone in a cheery voice, and I don’t like having to try and figure out who’s where and how fast they can get whatever food to someplace else.

Compounding the issue are all the problems we’ve been having lately. We manage to pull it off, but it’s by the skin of our teeth. I feel that we are severely unprepared for what we’ve gotten ourselves into, and since I’m the one answering the phone, I’m the one who’s going to get to hear about it when we finally slip up. It’s going to happen, if something doesn’t change soon.

So far, people have been patient and understanding, and I’ve really appreciated that…but how long can it last?

A big issue is the fact that we don’t have enough personnel. This is especially annoying today because I am really not in the mood to be at work, but I can’t even have a lunch break because Robert is out of the office doing the deliveries. We need another delivery driver and we need another office worker.

In my dream world, we would have an order taker/dispatcher working during my shift, and not just coming in at 1 like Robert has planned. I would do backup order-taking only, and really I’d prefer that we have several people working from home taking orders during the day so that I would never have to it at all. I don’t even really want to manage the order takers, but I guess that would be better than having to take the orders directly.

I don’t know if my dream world will ever come to be.

The most hectic times are between 11 and 1, I’ve noticed. People seem to realize that they’re hungry at 11, but by 1 they have probably made their arrangements. So things have calmed down a bit now.

I missed a call earlier due to being on the phone with someone else. Fortunately, she left a voice message, so I called her back. I missed another call due to not being logged in to receive calls, and I was distracted trying to do something anyway, so I just let it go.

I hate shoddy service. But that’s all we can apparently provide at this point.

It just feels like we were never prepared to do this, and we’re still not prepared, and I’m starting to wonder if we’ll ever be prepared for anything. Mom and I tend to over-prepare well in advance…I like that system a lot better. It may not be business-savvy, because I guess you’d lose money more often than not that way, but at least you would know what you were doing before you had to do it.

I hope 2go-Box starts turning a huge profit so that we can do everything we need to do.

And I wish today was Friday! :P

You could say that all of this stress is good because it’s distracting me from the issues weighing on my mind, and that might be true, but I’m not sure. I think it’s more likely that the issues weighing on my mind are adding to the phenomenal stress that already exists. There’s no way of telling for sure, because the delivery service and my “period” (or whatever) started at around the same time…but I think I would be annoyed and stressed about this kind of work regardless of anything else. I have never liked this sort of thing and I doubt I ever will.

I just want a job where I can work mostly by myself, maybe discussing things with a few others in person or through email/chat. I want to be able to do a wide variety of things, including menial tasks, because there are some days that I’m in the mood for that. I want to be challenged mentally in areas that are interesting to me. I want, ultimately, for my job to be a part of who I am–something that I do because I like to, and not because I have to because I need money in order to enjoy myself and take my mind off of work.

I thought I had that sort of job, but it sure hasn’t been that way lately.

Published
Categorized as Diary, Rant

Living up to my name.

Heather fell alseep in my arms many hours ago now. We have the air conditioner going pretty much non-stop, but for some reason or another the house still seems a bit warm. Long story short: I woke up because I was uncomfortable from the heat. She meanwhile is still soundly asleep.

There’s not alot to add from what she already said about the visit. I’ve directed my emotions into the role of Devils’ advocate and the ugly, ugly realist that lurks in corners and dashes hopes. I’d like to think the truth might prepare her for the pain, but I think we all know that’s folly. There’s entirely too much emotion wrapped up in this subject for any acceptance of the truth.

The reality is that she is still menopausal and we’ve seen an overgrowth of the lining. It most conviently explains the “Why now?” question without introducing any miracles or beating incredible odds. The simplest answer is usually the right one.

I am more upset that this aspect of nature had to arrive now. In some way I feel like it’s a very cruel joke. Suddenly after five years a little gremlin of the body has set her up for a painfall fall again. It tossed out a tasty treat that was impossible to ignore.

I ask for Heather to try and ignore those hopes. To accept the painful answer now, but I might as well ask a STOP sign to say GO. She wants a child so badly that it basically haunts her. I don’t know if she’ll ever escape that ghost.

Of course another painful reality is that I can’t make this pain go away. No amount of tears, love, or comfort can make this better and I think that’s what hurts me the most. This is a ghost that tortures us both in different ways.

Bloodwork will hopefully be back by Friday

Breast exam and vaginal exam checked out fine. Pap smear results will be available in three weeks.

The blood test is the important part. It will (presumably) tell us why I was bleeding. The doctor gave us these possibilities:

  1. My ovaries are working again, which would mean that I can conceive.
  2. I am menopausal; the bleeding would therefore be simply a buildup of uteran lining that finally broke loose.
  3. I was bleeding for another reason, which would be more sinister than the first two. This is, fortunately, the most unlikely scenario.

If I am menopausal, then there are two things that I must watch out for:

  1. I will need an ultrasound to determine whether or not my uteran wall is too thick. If it is, there will need to be a biopsy, and I will need to take progesterone to keep the lining from building up.
  2. I will need to have my bones checked to ensure that I don’t have osteoporosis, and if I do I will need to take medication.

After the appointment, I got my hair chopped off to just beneath shoulder level, and donated the long remaining portion to Locks of Love.

Today’s the day

Although test results might be a day or two, this is the day of the actual testing. Understandably, I’m a little nervous, and trying not to be.

I have to work a half day today, and then leave at 11 and meet up with Sean for lunch. After lunch we’re going to work out some car insurance stuff. Then, at 3:30, I’m going to see a gynecologist.

I’ve been thinking about so much lately–getting a house, how if we have a child I want a car with air conditioning, where my “career” is going and how I can start making more money, how and when we’ll ever go back to Japan. Sean and I already determined that we will have to wait at least a year before we’re ready for a child. I’ve been wondering if that’s enough time to get everything settled…I really don’t want to live paycheck to paycheck, I want some assets and investments.

My business plan is something that will really have to wait until we’re more financially stable. I’ve been thinking that real estate might be the way to go. If I can just buy up some property and rent it…I think that would be a good way to build wealth. I just need to figure out how to do it.

Of course, there’s always the chance that we can’t have children anyway, that all these dreams and hopes are based on nothing.

I hope the doctor can give us a definitive yes. I feel so naive, but that’s what’s in my heart.

I’ve officially retired from the AMRN.

After four and a half years, I’ve decided to quit playing, GMing, and administrating for the Anime-Manga Roleplaying Network. I’ve tendered my resignation, as it were, and given the AMRN my permission to use my character concepts in non-profit ways. (I retained the rights for my own future publishing. We’ll see if that ever happens.)

I was pretty much coerced into playing by Sean and Shade, but I did grow to enjoy it. Eventually I became a Q-GM, then an A-GM, and then a Head GM. I even created and ran a game based on Sailor Moon, but it was during that experience that I really started to dislike the play-by-post format. Over the latter half of my AMRN career, I’ve come to realize that I prefer writing stories to playing and arbitrating games. My goal in quitting the AMRN is to allow myself the freedom to expand into different writing projects.

I believe that writing on the AMRN helped me with technique and with characterization. I will always remember what I learned there, but it’s time to move on.

There is a new project that has been congealing in my mind since around 2002 (or before), and I hope to get started on it sometime soon. For now, I plan to be horribly vague and mysterious about it.

Goodbye, AMRN. It’s been fun.

Yet more thoughts on photoblogging

The one thing I wasn’t too sure about concerning Blogger’s “Hello” service was the fact that each photo would be its own post. While this is fine if I only wanted to share one photo a day or a week or whatever, it makes it difficult to set up nice photo galleries for trips and things. I have plenty of photos I want to share, and I’d like to have a nice place to do it.

I can’t install software on this site because my hosting plan doesn’t allow over 1500 database accesses an hour. I don’t know why anyone would think that 1500 database accesses an hour would be even remotely useful on a website. If you have a database driven site, the database is accessed every time someone loads a page. I had been testing the new Macross 2051 website on this server, and I continually hit the limit and had to wait for it to reset. The only way to get past this is to pay my host more money, something that I’m not willing to do at this point. (I have been thinking of shifting to a new host, but that has to wait until my current contract runs out.)

In any event, even if I was able to install software, I was worried about the storage cap. Most good webhosts have them. I wanted to be able to share as much as I wanted, without worrying about whether or not I was at my limit, or having to delete things to make room.

Enter smugmug.

Smugmug is a photo gallery service with a beautiful interface, plenty of customization options, and unlimited photo storage. With the two more advanced plans you can host unlimited videos and change the design to match your website, too. It does cost money…but it’s very reasonable money: a standard account is $29.95 per year, and a Power User account is $49.95 per year. Some webhosts charge $49.95 per month for the features you would need to run your own gallery! The next step up, Professional, is a very reasonable $99.95 per year, and comes with Guest passwords for adding (but not deleting) photos, use of your own domain, automated watermarks, and print sales.

So I’m going to be thinking about setting one up, with either the Power User or Professional account. I like the idea of being able to sell my photos (although I’m not sure who would buy them). The main draws for me, though, are the ease of use, the customization options, and the unlimited space.

Published
Categorized as general

"What Tree Did You Fall From?"

No one but Matt showed interest in the “What tree are you?” post, but I figured I’d share all the possibilities anyway. Below is the exact email as I received it, except that I’ve 1) linked the trees to their descriptions to make it easier on you, 2) listed some people’s birthdays for my own reference, and 3) formatted it a little better.

Note how they repeat, and how some days are set off by themselves. One of these is Sean’s birthday, September 23, which makes him an “Olive Tree”. (I would say that some of that is true, but I’m not sure about all of it.)

Also note that Mari is the Lime Tree. heheheheh.

This seems like a neat reference for character creation.

“Find your birthday and then find your tree. This is really cool and somewhat accurate, also in line with Celtic astrology.”

Dec 23 to Jan 01 – Apple Tree

Jan 01 to Jan 11 – Fir Tree (Dad)

Jan 12 to Jan 24 – Elm Tree

Jan 25 to Feb 03 – Cypress Tree

Feb 04 to Feb 08 – Poplar Tree

Feb 09 to Feb 18 – Cedar Tree

Feb 19 to Feb 28 – Pine Tree

Mar 01 to Mar 10 – Weeping Willow Tree (Chris L.)

Mar 11 to Mar 20 – Lime Tree

Mar 21 (only) – Oak Tree

Mar 22 to Mar 31 – Hazelnut Tree

Apr 01 to Apr 10 – Rowan Tree

Apr 11 to Apr 20 – Maple Tree

Apr 21 to Apr 30 – Walnut Tree

May 01 to May 14 – Poplar Tree

May 15 to May 24 – Chestnut Tree

May 25 to Jun 03 – Ash Tree (me)

Jun 04 to Jun 13 – Hornbeam Tree

Jun 14 to Jun 23 – Fig Tree (Logan, Brooke)

Jun 24 (only) – Birch Tree

Jun 25 to Jul 04 – Apple Tree

Jul 05 to Jul 14 – Fir Tree

Jul 15 to Jul 25 – Elm Tree (AJ)

Jul 26 to Aug 04 – Cypress Tree

Aug 05 to Aug 13 – Poplar Tree

Aug 14 to Aug 23 – Cedar Tree (Ben, Mom)

Aug 24 to Sep 02 – Pine Tree

Sep 03 to Sep 12 – Weeping Willow Tree

Sep 13 to Sep 22 – Lime Tree (Mari)

Sep 23 (only) – Olive Tree (Sean)

Sep 24 to Oct 03 – Hazelnut Tree

Oct 04 to Oct 13 – Rowan Tree

Oct 14 to Oct 23 – Maple Tree (Kelly)

Oct 24 to Nov 11 – Walnut Tree (Connor)

Nov 12 to Nov 21 – Chestnut Tree

Nov 22 to Dec 01 – Ash Tree

Dec 02 to Dec 11 – Hornbeam Tree

Dec 12 to Dec 21 – Fig Tree

Dec 22 (only) – Beech Tree

YOUR TREE (in alphabetical order)

Apple Tree (the Love)

Quiet and shy at times, lots of charm, appeal, and attraction, pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile, adventurous, sensitive, loyal in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, many talents, loves children, needs affectionate partner.

Ash Tree (the Ambition)

Extremely attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with fate, can be very egotistic, reliable, restless lover, sometimes money rules over the heart, demands attention, needs love and much emotional support.

Beech Tree (the Creative)

Has good taste, concerned about its looks, materialistic, good organization of life and career, economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.).

Birch Tree (the inspiration)

Vivacious, attractive, elegant, friendly, unpretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm, not very passionate, full of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and content atmosphere.

Cedar Tree (the Confidence)

of rare strength, knows how to adapt, likes unexpected presents, of good health, not in the least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, a great speaker, determined, often impatient, likes to impress others, has many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waits for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.

Chestnut Tree (the Honesty)

Of unusual stature, impressive, well-developed sense of justice, fun to be around, a planner, born diplomat, can be irritated easily, sensitive of others feelings, hard worker, sometimes acts superior, feels not understood at times, fiercely family oriented, very loyal in love, physically fit.

Cypress Tree (the Faithfulness)

Strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give but doesn’t necessarily like it, strives to be content, optimistic, wants to be financially independent, wants love and affection, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered at times, can be unruly and careless, loves to gain knowledge, needs to be needed.

Elm Tree (the Noble-mindedness)

pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for others, Noble-indeed, generous, good sense of humor, practical.

Fig Tree (the Sensibility)

Very strong minded, a bit self-willed, honest, loyal, independent, hates contradiction or arguments, loves life and friends, enjoys children and animals, a social butterfly, great sense of humor, likes idleness and laziness after long demanding hours at work, has artistic talent and great intelligence.

Fir tree (the Mysterious)

Extraordinary taste, handles stress poorly, loves anything beautiful, can become depressed at times, stubborn, tends to care for those close to them as well as helping strangers, rather modest, hard worker, talented, unselfish, few sexual relationships, many friends, doesn’t want foes, very reliable.

Hazelnut Tree (the Extraordinary)

Charming, sense of humor, very demanding but can also be very understanding, knows how to make a lasting impression, active fighter for social causes and politics, popular, quite moody, sexually oriented, honest, a perfectionist, has a precise sense of judgment and expects complete fairness.

Hornbeam Tree (the Good Taste)

Of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, is not egoistic, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads a reasonable and disciplined life, looks for kindness and acknowledgment in an emotional partner, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy with its feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very conscientious.

Lime Tree (the Doubt)

Intelligent, hard working, accepts what life dishes out, but not before trying to change bad circumstances into good ones, hates fighting and stress, enjoys getaway vacations, may appear tough, but is actually soft and relenting, always willing to make sacrifices for family and friends, has many talents but not always enough time to use them, can become a complainer, great leadership qualities, is jealous at times but extremely loyal.

Maple Tree (Independence of Mind)

no ordinary person, full of imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self-confident, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has many complexities, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.

Oak Tree (the Brave)

Robust nature, courageous, strong, unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not like change, keeps its feet on the ground, person of action.

Olive Tree (the Wisdom)

loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm, well-developed sense of justice, sensitive, empathetic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the company of sophisticated people.

Pine Tree (the Peacemaker)

loves agreeable company, craves peace and harmony, loves to help others, active imagination, likes to write poetry, not fashion conscious, great compassion, friendly to all, falls strongly in love but will leave if betrayed or lied to, emotionally soft, low self esteem, needs affection and reassurance.

Poplar Tree (the Uncertainty)

Looks very decorative, talented, not very self-confident, extremely courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, great artistic nature, good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership seriously.

Rowan Tree (the Sensitivity)

Full of charm, cheerful, gifted without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest, and even complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.

Walnut Tree (the Passion)

Unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromise.

Weeping Willow (the Melancholy)

Likes to be stress free, loves family life, full of hopes and dreams, attractive, very empathetic, loves anything beautiful, musically inclined, loves to travel to exotic places, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with when pressured, sometimes demanding, good intuition, suffers in love until they find that one loyal, steadfast partner; loves to make others laugh.

THX 1138

In theaters! On DVD!

I’m too emotionally worn out to start complaining about what “George Lucas Director’s Cut” might mean.

Published
Categorized as general

A terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day

Today sucked.

I thought the period was over, but it evidently wasn’t. I hit the high point for emotionalism today, and then got some fresh spotting in the afternoon. By the time I made it home after my Workday from Hell, there was quite a bit of blood to clean up–fortunately I’ve been wearing a pad “just in case”.

If that was too much information…well, I don’t fucking care.

Work was just horrible–or, as I put it to AJ, “SUCKITY SUCK SUCK SUCK”. I have like three times the responsibilities now, but I’m still being paid $6.50 an hour. This week was especially stressful because of the new delivery service. I had to take orders and dispatch the driver, and every time something went wrong I would get really upset. I hate not providing good service, and I hate having dissatisfied customers. It’s our job to please them, so when we fail, I feel that we are just screwed.

Due to this perfectionism about customer service, I don’t think that high-pressure customer service jobs are right for me. But you know, I guess that doesn’t really matter when we can’t afford to give me what I’m worth, much less hire someone else.

Add to this my regular responsibilities, plus my boss throwing new things in my inbox all. the freaking. time. and you have a recipe for me sitting on the toilet in the office bathroom bawling my eyes out.

Published
Categorized as Diary, Rant Tagged

Life: a thing you never expect

After my cancer treatments, I couldn’t have periods naturally. I started on hormone shortly after I recovered, and took it for a few months. With the artificial boost, I was able to have periods. Transitioning on and off the hormone gave me horrible mood swings, and I didn’t like having to pay $10 a month or whatever it was to get the pills. So I finally just decided not to take them. I didn’t go back to the GYN who’d prescribed them, either; not because he wasn’t good, but because I thought I knew everything I needed to know already. He’d performed a blood test, twice, that showed that my brain was sending too many signals to my ovaries. This told him that my ovaries weren’t functioning properly–they weren’t responding to the brain by releasing the proper hormones. He said that he’d never seen someone with that result get pregnant.

For the past five years, I’ve been trying to deal with that prognosis. I’ve failed, pretty much; if anything, it’s been even worse lately. Seeing mothers and their children has filled me with such bitter longing that I’ve had to force myself not to cry.

And then, on Sunday night, I started having a period.

It went strong, very strong, just like a normal period. The cramping and moodiness was the same as I remember. It seems as of this morning to have died down…meaning the length was pretty much normal, too.

I don’t know what this means, and for these four and a half days I have struggled to hold back my joy. Everyone except Sean seems to assume upon hearing this that I can have children. Sean is more skeptical; he doesn’t understand why I would suddenly have a period out of the blue…and why it would happen now, after so much time.

He doesn’t want me to get my hopes up. I don’t want me to get my hopes up either. I think it has already happened, though, subconsciously. I think that my natural state of being has been to not give up hope. Somewhere inside, I always felt there was a chance, even as my conscious mind tried to stay logical. It was probably those two dueling sides that kept tearing me apart emotionally.

I’m going to try to stay as neutral as I can until my doctor’s appointment next Wednesday. If we run the same test as I had before, that should tell us something. Either things are the same as they were, or they’ve changed somehow. Maybe there’s another test they can do, too; I don’t know.

Right now I am just a prickly ball of barely-contained emotions.

I don’t want congratulations at this point…you’re free to give them anyway if you wish, but I’d rather not celebrate anything until I know for sure. That, and just letting the whole thing sink in, is why I haven’t written anything about it until now.