the thoughts and experiences of Heather Meadows
I wanted to link to some galleries I’ve posted in the last few months, to give blog readers an idea of what I’ve been up to.
Brick Pond Park and Alligator – September 22, 2009
Henderson Heritage Preserve – October 17, 2009
Work Halloween Party – October 22, 2009
Riverwalk – November 3, 2009
Aiken State Natural Area – November 7, 2009
Augusta Riverfront Marina and Skyline – November 9, 2009
Gasping Gobbler 5K – November 21, 2009
And there’s more to come…
After that low point with the cheeseburger, I just wanted to let you know that I’m redoubling my health efforts. (Again.)
I’ve been a member of SparkPeople since February, but yesterday I decided to really use the site. Here’s my SparkPage, which among other things lists my weight. Got to motivate myself somehow.
The fact that I can’t afford to eat out anymore is hopefully going to help me pack lunches regularly again. Aside from the burger slip-up on Tuesday, I have packed my lunches this week: frozen dinner on Monday, frozen dinner plus veggies on Wednesday, and today I crumbled the leftover hamburger from the dinner Sean made last night into some stroganoff noodles and packed some leftover spinach to go with.
I’m also going to make sure to work out in some capacity every day except Sunday. Yesterday I took a half-hour walk at Riverwalk over my lunch break. It wasn’t much, but it was far better than nothing, and it put me in a much better mood for the rest of the day. Tuesdays and Thursdays I see my personal trainer in the morning. My trainer is going to give me a yoga video to do at home. I also have those TurboJam videos and my Wii Fit to keep things interesting. So I should have no excuse not to keep myself moving.
I’ve started over and failed so many times now. I hope using SparkPeople will make the difference this time, by giving me that extra push I need.
I have been pretty lax in my weight loss efforts of late. I’ve been working out with my trainer on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but otherwise I haven’t been doing much of anything, and I’ve been eating whatever I feel like eating. It shows, on the scale and in my clothes.
Shopping for jeans that would actually fit this morning gave me a good motivational idea. I could set up a schedule of when I can buy new clothes. Then, if that time arrives and I haven’t gone down a size, I won’t be allowed to buy any.
A tangible, specific goal like this–come down at least one size before the next shopping trip–would probably be better motivation than the generic “lose weight”. We all know how well that one works.
I just need to decide what a reasonable time frame would be.
I stepped out into a cool, lightly dewy morning with a bright yet unwarm sun and felt refreshed. N, I noticed, was wearing a zippered sweatshirt. I was in my usual stretchy pants and t-shirt, my bare arms already tingling.
It wasn’t long into this finally fall morning workout that N was tying her sweatshirt around her waist. Our bodies provided all the heat we needed as we walked, squatted, and kicked our way around the track. 50 leaning pushups and a quick jog later, we held plank on the ground, shifting our weight back and up through the core, breathing in the scents of water and soil. The damp grass left my hands raw.
I drove home with the window all the way down, my arm hanging out into long sought autumn air, and when I arrived I simply sat, watching the shadow patterns the gentle breeze spun through waving leaves on the wall.
Me: A watched pot never boils. Ever.
Sean: I see little bubbles forming.
I was looking back through my “health”-tagged posts and realized I haven’t talked about what I’ve been doing lately.
The last weight I recorded here on my blog was 217. I’m sorry to say that I’m up to 230. I know some of that must be muscle, but it’s still been hard to see that number show up every time I’ve weighed in the last few weeks. I wasn’t very vigilant about eating right while on vacation, and I didn’t work out, either. But now I’m back on track, and I’m hoping that a new workout routine, plus packing my lunches, plus Sean and my decision to eat more home-cooked meals, will result in some weight loss.
When I got back from England, it was the middle of the week. I decided to just not worry about anything other than unpacking, organizing, and getting resettled at work. I didn’t even see my trainer until the following Tuesday. But starting at that point I began to build some good habits.
Every weekday I have been getting up sometime between 6 and 7. On days when I don’t see my trainer I go to the gym earlier than 8 and do 20-30 minutes of cardio, some strength training with free weights and machines, then some ab and back work. If I’ve made it to the gym early enough, I then go swimming for a bit, and sometimes even have time to sit in the hot tub afterwards. I leave at 9, the same time as I leave when I do see my trainer, which gives me just enough time to get home, shower, pack a lunch, and head out the door.
The first week I was pretty good about packing a lunch, but last week I slipped and this week has been kind of stressful, so I ended up eating out more than I should have. Still, I’m proud that I haven’t missed a single workout on the weekdays. I’m hoping to start working out on Saturday, too, but at my trainer’s suggestion I’ll leave Sunday as a day of rest.
To save money, I’m quitting Weight Watchers and have started using The Daily Plate at LiveStrong.com to track my food and exercise. The UI isn’t great, but the food database is exceptional, and I can use the iPhone application without having to be online.
I’ve already noticed that my arms and legs seem more toned. My trainer says my waist is more toned as well. I can’t tell, but I hope it’s true! I think I’m on the road to making real progress, rather than just talking about wishing I was.
I have so much to say and so many things I want to do, but I have no time or energy! BAH!
This week has been both the longest and the shortest in recent memory. Laborious things drag out and fun things fly by–or I don’t find the time to do them at all. I’ve been wanting to post on various topics for quite some time, but I’ve barely even turned on my laptop this week. Last night I finally pulled her out of standby, only to lie down to stretch my neck for a minute and then find myself waking up blearily at 4 am.
I’m not discouraged–yet–but I am irritated.
I mentioned in my previous post that I’ve always had a problem properly pacing myself. Here’s a little story that illustrates that fact pretty well.
My first trip to Japan in 2001 was not a leisurely excursion. We were constantly on the move and we were always walking, whether it was to explore a certain area or just to get to our next destination.
In Kyoto, we spent a day wandering through the sprawling temples and shrines of Mt. Hiei. It was long day of hiking through the mountains.
Towards the end of the day we were headed back the way we came, so we could get to a trolley that would take us back down the mountain. We came to a temple at the foot of a long flight of wide stone stairs. I was feeling good. I’d made it through the long day and felt energetic enough to tackle those steps. And so I started briskly jogging up, to make the trip to the top shorter.
Our instructor Todd and my classmate Jason, both experienced hikers, immediately yelled at me, “No! Don’t run!” Startled, I slowed down as they explained: running up the stairs would take more energy than walking up them, and I’d wear myself out for the rest of the trip back.
I wasn’t sure I believed this was true. At least if I ran I could get it over with, and I might even enjoy it. Plodding up the stairs seemed like a neverending trial.
Still, I did as they suggested. It turned out that after that we had longer to go to the trolley than I’d thought. By the end of our hike my legs were only moving through the sheer force of my will. The trolley ride was but a brief respite, and soon we were trudging through the streets of Kyoto. When finally we stopped at a restaurant for a meal, I was so exhausted that all I could manage to eat was a bowl of white rice.
I wondered how it would have been if I had gone ahead and run the stairs. Would I have even made it to the trolley?
I realized even then that this story was a metaphor for life, but until yesterday I hadn’t applied it to my work. Now I see that I’ve been trying to run from 10 in the morning until 7 at night. Some days I’ve managed it. Some days I’ve stumbled. And some days I’ve been numb while I recovered. The end result? I’ve managed to excel at work, but pretty much everything else has fallen to the wayside.
I want to do more. I don’t want to pass out before I even get to the trolley.
I’ll just have to remember, when the urge to plow into a project consumes me, the lesson I learned on that historic mountain.
Don’t run.
I’ve done a lot of restructuring in my life in the past several days. Obviously, my blog template has changed. I’ve shifted from my dated, tables-based layout to a CSS layout with an external stylesheet and content elements pulled in via PHP. It’s a change I’ve wanted to make since 2004, and I’ll be documenting the process in a later post.
While I was at it, I went ahead and changed a few other things. I gave up on Google Reader, for one. I’d always felt like I should be using it, since so many others sing its praises, and awhile back I made the switch. However, I was never happy with the way Reader’s blogroll functionality worked. I shifted back primarily because that would allow me to use Bloglines’ nice, organized blogroll again. But then I actually went to view my feeds in Bloglines…and something amazing happened.
I started reading.
When that happened I realized that I hadn’t been reading for a very long time.
Oh, here and there I’d read a blog post in Google Reader. But mostly I’d skim the headlines and mark things as read to get them out of my sight. And I had stopped reading news completely.
Something about being in Bloglines again, seeing my feeds organized in the nice folders I’d made, gave me fresh energy. I felt comfortable, yet energized.
I read.
I read blogs. I read news. I looked at photos and paintings. I began to reconnect with my intellectual side. I’d felt vaguely that it had been absent, but up until I was actually absorbing and analyzing new information, I hadn’t fully comprehended the depths of my recent superficiality.
One apparent cause behind my slow slip into mindlessness was my choice to abandon my familiar tool, Bloglines. At work the next day, I suddenly recognized another cause.
I haven’t been pacing myself.
I’ve always had the problem of throwing myself 100% at whatever I’m doing, finishing up quickly and spectacularly. This works for some projects, like a piece of writing, or an infrequent chore. Applying this overenthusiasm to things like exercise and daily work does get a lot accomplished in the short term, but ultimately it leaves me tired, frustrated, burned out, trapped.
I realized that if I want to improve myself, I have to slow down and give myself the gifts of time and energy. I can’t leave work tired, brainless, unable to do much of anything besides zonk out in front of the TV. There’s no room in a life like that for my personal projects: reading, writing, photography, building ideas, getting healthy. There’s no enjoyment in a life like that.
I have to start looking at the things I need to accomplish, all of them, including work, in the long term. I have to step back and evaluate priorities, and string them out along a timeline in a reasonable manner–a manner that gives me some breathing room.
I’ve been reading more, writing more, and thinking more lately. I’ve also been happy. It’s not the euphoria that leads to a depressive crash, either. It’s a general sense of wellness, of purpose. It’s the desire to better myself, and the confidence that I can do it.
This is how I want to continue living.
On Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, I see my personal trainer at 8am. This causes me to adhere to a strict morning schedule. Unfortunately, on other days I am less rigid. On weekdays this means I might sleep in and not work out at all. On weekends I likely won’t do anything productive.
I’ve decided that the best way to make sure I’m on track each day is to set up a routine that I’ll do every morning, regardless of what day it is. I can then add items to my evening and weekend schedule as appropriate.
Here’s a rough draft of what I’m thinking:
7am-8am: Wake up, do a little reading, get dressed in workout clothes.
8am-9am: Work out, either with N or on my own.
9am-9:30am: Shower and pack lunch.
9:30am-10am: Commute.
10am-7pm: Work. Try to get in a photowalk at lunch :)
7pm-7:30pm: Commute.
7:30pm-9pm: Work on projects.
9pm-11pm: Goof off.
11pm-7am: Sleep.
My project for this weekend arrived yesterday: a nice flat workspace with no hutch and no drawers. Once it’s assembled I’ll have a great place to work on projects, on my laptop or otherwise.
I haven’t been happy with my current computer setup for awhile now. Sitting in the living room on the couch or floor is not conducive to doing serious work. I typically end up goofing off online or watching anime. The point was driven home for me recently when I went to visit Sam in Huntsville. The purpose of the visit was to get some headway on a webcomic we’ve been working on. At first I was sitting on his couch with my laptop; it wasn’t until the next day, when I created a work area for myself at his roleplaying table, that I started getting things done.
I’m very excited about that project. I’m also amped up about an online venture I devised and will be pursuing with the help of a new friend, Mike. It’s important to me that I have a space where I can sit and focus, so these projects don’t end up in the “I wonder if…” bin.
The new desk won’t magically transform me into a workhorse, but having the right tools is essential for success. I can’t wait to get started.
I had just finished opening all the blinds in the living room and kitchen when Sean got up.
“Hiss,” he said. “It’s too bright in here.”
“Hi!” I replied, glomping him. We hugged and he settled down in his gamer chair. “There’s food for you in the microwave.”
“It’s too bright in here,” he responded.
I started laughing, and bent down and wrapped my arms around him. “I love you and your silly ways.”
“…it’s too bright in here.”
I gave in. “Since that seems to be the only thing you can say, I’ll close this one,” I said, reaching up and twisting the cord on the blinds next to his table.
“That’s much better,” Sean sighed, relief flooding his I-just-woke-up voice.
Poor baby ;)
Today, it’s over a week since the day my period would have started, if I were on a normal cycle. I wouldn’t even know this, but it happened that I had two cycles recently, exactly 30 days apart. That hasn’t happened to me without the application of hormone therapy since before I had cancer.
It didn’t take much for me to begin to hope that my reproductive cycle had recovered somehow. So I waited to see if I would have period #3. And waited, and waited. If a week goes by, I told myself, I’ll take a pregnancy test.
This morning I took two. Just in case.
They both rather quickly came back with the “Not Pregnant” message.
As you might imagine, I had been hoping for more than a regular cycle. I hoped that the missed period not only meant I was normal again, but that I was fertile.
I seem unable to keep from hoping.
It is a good sign that I had two periods in a row. Maybe I will have another one at some point. Maybe if I can get back into my healthy habits and lose some more weight, I’ll be able to have them regularly again.
That won’t mean I’m fertile, though. After all, I did undergo hormone therapy. That should have helped me get pregnant, if it were possible. It didn’t happen, and that is likely my answer. Even if my ovaries do recover, it’s likely that none of my eggs are viable.
I’ve known all of this for years, though, and it doesn’t matter. I’ll probably keep on hoping until I’m 50.
I’ve fallen out of all my good habits. It only took a couple of weeks to destroy several months’ work. I’m not exercising much at all and I’m eating crap. I feel like I’m stuck in a cycle of unhealthiness and depression. Whenever I try to start fresh, whether using Weight Watchers or something else, I find myself slipping up almost immediately.
I hate this.