life – Page 23 – p i x e l s c r i b b l e s

Sleep study

It was a little before 9 when I arrived at the Children’s Medical Center, signed in, and rode the elevator up to the fourth floor. I’d been told to use the phone in the lobby to tell someone I was there, but a man was already guiding a boy and his mother back to the sleep study area, so he let me in too. We walked past a nursing station and down a long hallway, then turned into another hallway. The man took the boy and his mother into the first door on the left, and told me to wait by the blue chairs up ahead for someone named Chris.

I had barely arrived at the chairs when a man came out of a room across the hall. “Are you Chris?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“I’m Heather.”

I’m so much more outgoing than I used to be. It still surprises me.

He stopped at a closet to pick up some clean linens for my room and then guided me back to where I was to spend the night. “This is like a dorm room,” I said, because it was. It was about like the hospital rooms I lived in at Markey Cancer Center, only it was bigger and felt like it was trying to be hip. There was a closet door that was completely covered by a markerboard, for example, and a long couch under what looked like a giant window shade. I assumed there was a window behind it, but that might not actually have been the case.

After I filled out a sleep survey, I let Chris know how tired I was and he said I could go ahead and change and he’d get me wired up. I put on my T-shirt and shorts and took my evening meds, but I forgot to brush my teeth, which would annoy me quite a bit later as I was trying to sleep.

I sat in a chair and watched an episode of Family Guy as Chris wired me up. I had countless wires coming off my head and face, then two on my chest and two on each leg. There was also a thin wire under my nose to detect my breathing and a wire against my throat to record snoring. Chris put a big hairnet on me to hold the wires in place on my head. Once I got into bed, he put one of those clips on my finger as well, to detect oxygen levels or something.

I had to start out on my back. The room was totally dark, but there was an intercom so Chris could hear me and a video camera recording everything I did. We had to calibrate before I could go to sleep; Chris told me over the intercom to hold my eyes open and stare straight ahead, close them and stare straight ahead, look side to side and up and down, hold my breath, breathe normally, and move my feet. After that I was supposed to go to sleep, but I was a little too excited to calm down right away. I thought that the whole experience was really neat and I was anticipating falling asleep, which makes no sense. Eventually I was able to sleep, fortunately.

About every hour and a half or so I would wake up having to go to the bathroom, and at the same time I would get severe leg cramps. I’d have to call Chris to come in and unplug me so I could stand up, use the facilities, and pace around to get my muscles to stop clenching. It wasn’t particularly restful. Mom says the cramps might have been exacerbated by how cold it was in the room; it was pretty freaking cold. Regardless, it wasn’t particularly pleasant. Plus, with all the wires on it was difficult to shift my sleeping position from back to side, so that was annoying.

Chris was fun though; he had lots of good stories and jokes and was just interesting in general. I guess you have to be to work in a sleep center, which is a weird and kind of spooky place.

The fourth time I woke up, Chris told me it was about one minute to 6 and we could just calibrate again and then I could be done. This was a relief, but it still took forever to calm my muscles down. Finally we finished up, and he pulled all the wires off and tried to clean the gunk away with some wipes–the gunk was like white oobleck, if you ever created that stuff in middle school. Then I changed into my long pants and cleaned up as best I could and brushed my teeth and took my morning pills, and I was out of there.

On the drive home I thought about being considerate and picking up some McDonald’s for Mom and Sean, but ultimately I decided to just go home and go to bed, and that’s what I did. I had a little cramping, but nothing too serious, and I was able to sleep until around 10:30 (although I think I did go to the bathroom somewhere in the middle).

It was an interesting experience, to be sure. I’d like to know what all they learned about my sleeping patterns, if anything. Hopefully the frequent bathroom breaks and cramping didn’t affect the results too much.

We should have the results in a few weeks.

Living

Things are going well. Mom has been able to stay longer than I originally thought she could, which has been so great. She actually dusted my apartment. I don’t think that has been done since we moved in.

But seriously, it is so nice to have her here. A lot of people don’t get along with their mothers, which is such a shame. My mom is just wonderful. She was strict enough when we were kids and when we became adults she treated us like adults. Now she’s my friend and my mom, which is just neat. We can sit and enjoy a good conversation or go out together and have fun, but then when I’m sick or upset I can snuggle in for a good Mommy hug.

Plus, it feels so good to have someone take care of you. Sean and I are both really independent, and while we do take care of each other, we’re not doting. And I don’t really want to be doted on by him. I know he loves me; I want him to do his own thing and be his own person. But occasionally I do like to just relax and be coddled, and while I can ask Sean to take care of me sometimes, my mom will instinctively know what to do and just go ahead and do it. It’s such a comfort. I’ll really miss her when she goes back home.

Monday I felt all right up until the end of the day, at which point I got really tired. Tuesday, though, I felt great the whole day, such that I ran errands on my way home and then tidied up the apartment. Yesterday was another okay day. I haven’t had any moments this week where I’ve had to stop and gasp for breath, probably because I’ve been careful not to exert myself too much, but there have been times when I’ve been tired. At those times I just put my head down for a few minutes to recharge and I’m usually fine.

I’ve been sleeping all right, too. Last night and the night before I decided to skip the Flonase to see if that would help with how I seem to lose my voice when I’m at work. And it did seem to help yesterday; I wasn’t nearly as hoarse. I think I can probably stop using the Flonase. Conveniently enough I have a doctor’s appointment this morning, so I will ask him when I go.

I’ll also be asking him if a sleep study is actually necessary–it probably isn’t, so I should be able to cancel it, which will be good. I’m not sure how much of that insurance was going to cover :>

Later today I’m seeing the cardiologist again, and she said she might prescribe a third heart medication.

The next steps I need to take care of are organizing exercise and diet. I need to get a treadmill so I can walk indoors, and I need to figure out a good plan so I can eat heart-healthy foods and maybe lose some weight. It’s funny to try and lose weight at a time when I can’t really exert myself, but whatever ;>

Beyond the health stuff, there are a couple other things I want to do soon. First, Mom wants to buy me a new cell phone so I can take movies and pictures. Sean and I had a ridiculous experience at the Sprint store this past weekend–we were all ready to buy this brand new phone, but their system wouldn’t let us buy it!–so we may change carriers. Hopefully we can make that decision this weekend.

The next thing is to get a dining room table, because I am planning on hosting Thanksgiving. I know the exact table I want, so I should probably just go ahead and order it. The problem will be finding chairs…the chairs that come with the set don’t do it for me. We’ll have to see how that goes.

I also need to get a desk and a file cabinet, or maybe just a desk with a file drawer, for the multipurpose room, so I can get all our paperwork off the floor. (I gave Gargantua the Monster Desk to Rex from work.)

Mom keeps asking me why I haven’t bought an electric piano…I guess I just don’t feel comfortable spending thousands of dollars when I’m not sure I’ll be dedicated to it.

Grandma Flo called and offered to clean our apartment for me once a week, which is going to be a huge help. I’m going to see her on Saturday and work the details out. Also on Saturday, I think Mom and I are going to the mall. Maybe we can all go together…we’ll have to see. Then, that evening when Sean’s up, maybe we can figure out the cell phone thing.

And that’s pretty much what’s been going on. I feel fine on the whole, I have an idea of how things are going to work from now on, and I should be getting more details worked out today with my doctors. So there you have it.

Moving forward

The response to my diagnosis by the people who have responded so far has been interesting. There are some people who are incredibly upbeat–either they are just trying to cheer me up or they seriously don’t think it’s that big a deal. There are people who are seriously freaking out. And there’s the middle ground, which is where I am, where you just kind of say yes, this sucks, and I’m going to roll with it.

Today my mom did me a huge favor and assembled a DVD cabinet that has been sitting in a box in the hallway for 14 months. Then she rearranged all the furniture so it was to my liking. My mom is awesome.

As for me, I got so tired after putting a few DVDs into the cabinet that I had to take a nap :P

I have congestive heart failure.

It’s official after my echo cardiogram this afternoon. Where a normal heart pumps about 55% of the blood out of the ventricle at a time, mine is doing somewhere around 15% to 20%. This explains the freakish swelling in my legs and my overwhelming fatigue.

This could be an extremely delayed reaction to chemotherapy. It could have also been caused by the gastroenteritis I had awhile back, since viral infections are known to decrease heart function. My doctor, an intelligent, well-spoken woman we’ll call Dr. G, says we’ll never know.

Treatment is drugs. Dr. G says she doesn’t think a biopsy is necessary, but she doubled the heart medicines my GP put me on and is adding a third starting next week after she sees me again.

I am still able to work and go about my life, but I have to refrain from strenuous activity, heavy lifting, etc.

If all goes well, my heart will start to heal in a few months.

If all doesn’t go well, who knows what might happen. My mom is understandably upset because something similar happened to her sister Carol: she had a viral infection that led to decreased heart function. In her case, the drugs didn’t work, and she ended up having a heart transplant.

(Aunt Carol is doing fine, although she seems to have circulation problems in her legs if she sits for too long. Aunt Carol is also a lot older than me.)

I, being young and naive, am not particularly worried about recovering from this, but I am extremely pissed off at my life right now. Okay, so, first, we lose everything we own in an apartment fire–lifelong memories that are, frankly, irreplaceable. Then, the best friend I made in Augusta moves to a completely different country. Meanwhile, my large family who I love and desperately want to spend time with all live eight hours away. I finally start to think I can deal with being infertile, only to stupidly take a home pregnancy test…that turns out to be a false positive. The worst day of my life. And then I go in today and have a completely different kind of ultrasound and find out I can’t even take care of myself anymore. I can’t do big-time grocery shopping. I can’t assemble or move furniture. I can’t go wherever I want whenever I want. No biking, no long walks, nothing, because I’m physically incapable of doing it. And it’s not going to be fixed anytime soon.

So here I am trapped away from family and friends unable to take care of myself, but still well enough to work, so I have to drag myself out of bed every day and try not to pass out for eight hours so I don’t lose my job.

This is not the kind of existence I was hoping for when I moved here.

A day of recovery

I’m enjoying a quiet morning, waiting for the Advil to eliminate the pain of the neckache I developed in my sleep. It’s diminished a little, but boy does it ever hurt when I sneeze!

At around 11 I’m supposed to meet up with Brooke and Mari (and others?) at the Olive Garden, which will be nice. I hardly ever go there, since Sean isn’t big into Italian, but I really like it. Should be fun.

One thing I am really happy about right now is that Mom is coming to visit me. She has been so wonderful online and on the phone, but I really want to see her in person, and I can’t take any time off since I’ve already put my vacation days on the week of Christmas. So she’s going to come here, which is great because she hasn’t seen this apartment in person. She really hasn’t seen a whole lot of Augusta. Hopefully I will feel well enough to show her around all my favorite places.

Yesterday I could have spent a fair amount of time with Brooke, but my sleep schedule was messed up and I was depressed and I didn’t want to go anywhere, so I just stayed home and read/watched Detective Conan. I think I needed a day to just do nothing. I feel better today.

Brooke wants me to go to Columbia with her this afternoon to visit her brother’s family, which I may just do. Apparently there will be barbecue, yum.

A whiny ramble–feel free to skip

So, I’m pretty miserable.

Aside from being horribly depressed, I keep coughing, and my left foot is huge and swollen and purple from where I kept it crammed into a dress shoe all day. I also started having abdominal pain again on my way home (early; my boss said I could finish up remotely). This morning I coughed up snot for the first time in awhile; last night I forgot to Flonase, but I’m not sure if that’s related.

I had a bad dream right before I woke up this morning, in which Sean basically informed me that I existed to amuse him, and when I tried to leave, he threatened violence, so I headbutted him and then grabbed him hard in a very sensitive place. But as this was happening, dream-me thought that maybe this was all pretend, so I shouldn’t hurt him too badly.

Then I woke up.

When I told Sean about the pregnancy test last night I had already been asleep for awhile, and I woke up when I heard him settling in in the living room. He said the same thing AJ did: “Don’t get your hopes up.” And like I said before, I really thought I wasn’t. But apparently I did a lousy job.

The nurse said that false positives hardly ever happen; it’s usually false negatives. I looked up false positives online and it said they are usually due to taking fertility drug shots, which I have not done recently. I guess the test was just defective.

Pretty lame. Oh well, yet another bad memory to add to the pile. I’ve been thinking about writing a timeline of all the bad things that have happened in my life, but I’m pretty sure that would be counterproductive. Not to mention whiny.

I should be thankful I’m alive, and have such a great family, and a cute and sweet husband who loves me, and a job I enjoy, and enough money to be able to save and eat out and have fun.

It’s funny, I had decided recently that I was just going to assume I couldn’t have children, because I figured that would be easier. But I guess I never fully embraced that path, because I was so susceptible to the idea when the nurse (who apparently knew nothing of my situation) asked, “Do you think you might be pregnant?” It took a week or two, but then, like a moron, I looked into it.

And then, like a moron, I posted about stat labs on Twitter, and that made Mom wonder why I needed stat labs, and so I ended up telling her, and she was at the farm with Dad and Ben and Manda so they all found out, and so I called AJ because everyone else knew…and I originally wasn’t going to tell anyone until I’d had a blood test. I’d had one that morning but it turned out the lab couldn’t do them stat, so those results will actually be in tomorrow, and it was too late to get them done by the time I found out, so I had to wait and do them this morning. And I guess I just got upset and frustrated and nervous from all the waiting and ended up blowing it, and I got Mom’s hopes up.

Damn it.

When the nurse called to tell me, I didn’t want to talk to anyone, so I just sent Sean and Mom a text message about it. Mom called back and I may have been rude. I just tried not to think about it for as long as I could for the rest of the day. But of course, eventually it overwhelmed me, because I’m a stupid wuss, so here I am, sitting at home gushing in stream of consciousness on my blog when I should still be at work. That frustrates me too, because I’ve been sick so much lately, and I was just getting back to being the kind of employee I strive to be. And now this.

I think life likes to let me rise up before it kicks me back down. Maybe it’s more amusing that way. This time I feel like I was crouched on wobbly legs when it hit.

Whine, whine, whine. Let’s take a step back. What have we learned here? I was told years ago when I first went to an endocrinologist that my chances of being fertile were low, especially if I couldn’t have my own periods. I started out taking hormones, but after awhile I decided I was tired of pills and wanted to be normal, so I just stopped taking them. (Good job.) Five years later, I have a period out of the blue, which is likely a menopausal flushing of all the lining that had built up for those years. I take this as a sign that my body is curing itself, instead. My doctors tell me otherwise but I am apparently incapable of comprehension. I start back on hormones religiously and take pregnancy tests anytime I start to feel “weird”. They are all, of course, negative. I get frustrated. After my doctor leaves her practice, I let everything slide again. But after awhile I decide I want to get back on track with my health, so I find a new doctor. She tells me that the chances of someone who’s had chemotherapy regaining ovarian function after this long are practically zero. I feel like I can maybe move on. Then she adds, “But miracles do happen.” I have grown to hate this phrase because it gives me hope.

That brings us to now. I have weird symptoms where I get overly tired just walking from my office to my car. I have chest pains. I seem to not be breathing properly at night, and sometimes during the day. Flonase, saline spray, and elevating my head seems to help with sleeping, but does nothing for the weird day breathing. Eventually I started getting bloated in my legs and hips. I also occasionally experience abdominal pain, at one point so bad I threw up. I am often so hot that the only thing that helps is sticking my head and arms into the freezer.

Of course I think the hotness is a menopausal symptom, but I have put off starting my hormones because I thought I had a drug interaction one day when I threw up. I’m still not sure what happened there.

In discussing my various symptoms with my various doctors, the nurse at the endocrinologist’s office asks the fatal question, the question I’ve been asking myself. “That’s supposed to be impossible,” I say, keeping my voice level. “But I suppose I could check.” And eventually I do. And for some fucked up reason it says “Pregnant”.

Why would you do this to me? I mean really. What is the point?

Maybe the point is that I should just have a hysterectomy so I can stop worrying about it. (Or I could stop having sex, but I doubt Sean will get on board for that.)

Your host, dear readers, is a moron

Hahahahaha, I did it to myself again! I let myself believe it was possible. At least this time I had a decent reason–the pee test SAID “Pregnant”, it didn’t say “Not Pregnant”.

But whatever!

I do promise that I tried very hard not to get excited. I was even marginally successful! But you know what, I honestly thought when they called with the blood test results that they would say “Congratulations.”

[Edit:] My family sent me flowers. They’re pretty.

The most annoying kind of limbo

I’m having kind of a rough day, for reasons, annoyingly enough, I cannot explain to you! I will explain them eventually, though, so don’t worry.

My mood made me want to be anywhere but work for most of my shift, which is not a fun feeling to have when you’re trying to get things done.

One good point was that I went to Boll Weevil with Brooke and had the Curious George sandwich and potato soup, which was yummy. Also, their tea was good today. As a further bonus, Brooke is coming over a little later to hang out. Maybe we’ll watch the Detective Conan movie. I understand lime sherbet will be involved as well.

Right now I’m just going to veg out on the couch, read some manga, eat some cottage cheese, and try to relax.

Better and better

I’m still coughing, with the addition of burping, sneezing and occasionally an extraordinarily itchy nose, but I feel so much better. You have no idea. I was downright cheerful at work. “There’s that smile!” my boss said. I threw myself into what I needed to do and dug through some backlogged projects as well, and set up some meetings for tomorrow with what might be described as zeal. It feels so good to be able to get motivated without feeling sick!

I’ve still got symptoms, don’t get me wrong. The throat gunk still makes an appearance and it still tastes gross. But my overall tiredness seems to be passing.

Part of this, I’m sure, is just that I’m so happy that I’m going to see Brooke tomorrow, and get to spend time with her all week. She’s promised to come spend the night here one night, and I’m looking forward to watching a couple of our favorite episodes of Kyou Kara Maou. I also think I’ll introduce her to Detective Conan by way of The Case of the Time-Bombed Skyscraper, because that is a fabulous movie. I will even allow the dub (though a rather important line is changed at the end).

I think I also told her I was going to show her the first two DVDs of KareKano, and I might try to do that, but it’s not a high priority. What is a high priority, apparently, is eating curry and lime sherbet! And I am down with that.

Pajama party!

Today I felt good enough after work to run some errands, including picking up some more prescriptions and going to the grocery. I got more cottage cheese and milk, and a head of broccoli and some potatoes, and a bag of salad, and a bunch of noodles, and some soup. I also bought two pie dishes and two pie crusts, which I hope to use at Thanksgiving…I’m tentatively hoping to host it here, assuming I can figure out where people would sit to eat.

The most exciting thing about the shopping experience was where I went. I decided to try the Columbia Road Kroger, mainly because of the fact that I was leaving the Bobby Jones Walgreens. I figured it might not be as much of a hole as the Wrightsboro Road Kroger.

And wow, is that an understatement.

Dude, the Columbia Road Kroger is upscale. Seriously, they have a Starbucks in there. The deli is gorgeous, the aisles are wide and fully stocked, and they have literally everything I look for in a grocery store. They even carry the brand of rice I like, which normally I have to go to Asian groceries for! And I was finally able to find rolled up, refrigerated pie shells…I haven’t seen them at Evans Wal-Mart, well, ever, and I’m still not sure why.

The produce section was well-stocked and everything looked delicious. And they had pumpkins. For $5! They were so cute, I bought two. Not too big, not too small, the perfect size for sitting around to remind me that it’s fall. (Or that it should be fall, anyway.) I saw a neat idea about using doilies as painting stencils for pumpkins in this month’s BH&G, which I may try out.

Wow, it is just so cool to feel like I have energy, and to be so enthusiastic about things again.

When I say “feel like I have energy”, I mean that while I am starting to feel like my old self, I’m still getting exhausted after minimal exertion. I don’t know if I buy Dr. B’s “out of shape” argument, at least not entirely. We’ll have to wait until all the GERD symptoms are handled before I can be sure. But that walk through the grocery store certainly wore me out.

The second coolest thing about the shopping experience was running into a former coworker, Rebecca, in the parking lot. I could feel my skin turning clammy and sweaty while we were standing there talking and I felt so gross. But it was still cool to see her, and meet her boyfriend.

When I got home I had planned on making spaghetti, but it took a lot out of me to get the groceries inside and put away, so I decided to relax instead, and ate some Kroger brand cottage cheese a little later. It was oh so good. I followed it up with a small glass of delicious apple juice. Ahhh, this is life.

Since I won’t have any errands holding me back tomorrow, I should be able to make the spaghetti. Mmm.

That’s another thing that’s been nice…finally feeling up to eating regular food, instead of just warm or cool smooth things.

I also have a theory about the acne. During much of this time, it has been gross to drink water due to the throat gunk. It was just like drinking the taste of throat gunk. So I’m pretty sure I was dehydrated like crazy, and I think that did bad things to my skin. Yesterday I started drinking a lot of water, and the acne seems to be declining. Thank goodness.

Upswing?

Hi there!

So last night, around the time I should have been going to bed, it occurred to me that I felt better.

I had done nothing all day but read manga and articles about pop culture over at Cracked. For most of the day I was miserable, feeling tired and gaggy and dizzy when I stood up. I’d managed a few bites of my dinner–steak, from a Mexican restaurant–and was just trying to keep it down. But all of a sudden that wasn’t an issue anymore. In fact, I found myself hungry again.

I ate a little more of my food, and I also ate a bowl of strawberry mini wheats cereal, while I continued reading and chatting with friends. It was a lot of fun. I stayed up extremely late, just reveling in not wanting to die. I told Brooke, who by that time had awakened for her Sunday morning, that I was afraid that if I went to sleep I would feel bad again. But eventually tiredness won out and I crawled under the covers.

I awoke not feeling crappy. In fact, I felt good enough to actually do things, like clean up the sink area in my bathroom, load and start the dishwasher, and start a load of laundry. I have the gross taste in my mouth, and a bit of sinus pressure, but I don’t feel overwhelmed by it.

I read about Kimono Karen’s amazing trip to Hawaii and for the first time in weeks thought that maybe I will be healthy enough to do something like that someday. That’s pretty big given that just yesterday, when I was miserable, I realized I no longer felt like I could do anything I wanted to.

“Do I really feel better?” I wondered last night. “Or do I just think I feel better?” Then a better question occurred to me: “Does it matter?”

Makin’ it somehow

Twitter has been down all day, which is annoying because I like to use it to dash off quick complaints. Earlier, for example, I wanted to bitch about this production dude who decided to recite for me a complete plot synopsis of some anime he really likes. Yes, I enjoy anime, but you are boring the hell out of me. Shut up!

Time seemed to be moving awfully slowly this morning. It started when I was in bed waiting for my alarm to go off. The light coming in around the curtain in the bedroom looked the same every time I looked at it. I kept falling asleep and waking back up and still feeling tired but knowing I was going to have to get up “soon”. Finally at 8:30 I actually checked the time and got up.

The first two hours of work were like two weeks. Very tired, trouble concentrating, and later, mild abdominal pain. I took the opportunity to call my doctors and create a game plan for tomorrow.

Today’s symptoms include: coughing, nausea, gross taste in my throat, mild headache, mild abdominal pain, occasional burping, general feeling of tiredness. As usual, mild exertion exhausts me and I have to sit down for awhile to recover and catch my breath. When I woke up this morning, the wet raspiness was back in my throat and lungs. Also, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this at all, but I have had so much acne since this all started. It is driving me crazy. It seems like every time I look in the mirror there are five more zits.

Seeing my GP tomorrow morning to demand that he actually order some tests. Like a meeting with a cardiologist, and a chest X-ray, and more labs, and whatever else I can think of before then. I’m going to bring in my calendar with all my symptoms for this month written in it, to see if that will help him think of anything we’ve missed. I’m supposed to call my endocrinologist after that appointment and let them in on everything that’s happening, so they can decide whether or not I should resume hormones.

My boss is back from Japan. I had asked her to see if she could find me a protection charm for my car, but apparently she didn’t visit any shrines. She did, however, bring me a beautiful floral pattern drawstring bag and a cute bookmark with a paper girl sculpted on it, both handmade by her aunt, and she also brought me an adorable little desk ornament of an owl. It’s hard to describe the thing. There’s a big ball that sits on the desk, and out of that comes half a hoop of black wire, and then hanging off that is a smaller straight piece of wire, and on one end is the little round owl, and on the other are two colored balls to balance him. It’s neat and it moves around with the air conditioning or with any vibrations on the desk.

She came in to talk to me today and told me that health has to be my first priority, because if we don’t have our health, we don’t have anything. It’s a total cliche, but I know full well how true it is. I have never been so miserable in my life–well, maybe when I was hospitalized with cancer, but at least then I knew what I was in for and didn’t fight every day to get things done.

I’m really lucky to have such a good boss. I hope I can get all this straightened out so I can go back to being the kind of employee I want to be–the kind of employee my boss deserves to have working for her.

In the rain

I had another bad night last night. A few hours I went to bed, I coughed so much I threw up, a lot. This is the third time that has happened in recent weeks. After throwing up I felt marginally better, but it didn’t last, and after awhile I was hungry again. Fearful of nausea, I had a Slim-Fast instead of food, which thankfully stayed down.

Later, I woke up in a panic, trying to breathe. I had stopped breathing in my sleep again. I haven’t had that problem since I started sleeping with my head inclined and using saline nasal spray and Flonase. But there it was. My nose was clear and it didn’t feel like my throat was stopped up. Instead, it just felt like I stopped breathing for no particular reason. I tried to go back to sleep but my breathing felt weird and I was terrified I’d stop breathing again, so I got up and messed around online for awhile.

I felt horrible. It was like there was a rock in my chest, and I kept having waves of mild dizziness, the kind of feeling you get when you take a sedative. I pondered going to the ER several times.

Finally I tried going back to bed and lying on my stomach. For some reason, this calmed me down and made me feel better. My breathing didn’t feel as forced. I wasn’t able to fall asleep, but I was able to relax, which felt great. Finally I rolled onto my side and slept until after noon.

Today I had a Slim-Fast for breakfast, again out of fear of throwing up. I still felt a little nauseated due to gunk in the back of my throat. And sitting there in 70 degree air conditioning, I started sweating and feeling overheated, which has been happening intermittently for at least the past week. My skin gets clammy and Sean says I’m freezing to the touch, but I feel so hot and uncomfortable I can’t stand it until I take a bath or shower. But I don’t have a fever; I’ve checked.

Another symptom I’ve had off and on is swelling/bloating in my feet, ankles, thighs, and hips, but thankfully I’ve had little or none of that today.

I wasn’t feeling too hot, but I needed to run to the store and pick up a few things, like laundry detergent. So I went. Shopping when feeling this way is not fun; there’s nowhere to sit down, and the cart I chose tended to roll away when I leaned on it, so the best I could do was stand still for a few minutes whenever I’d start to feel woozy or urpy. After a time I noticed that I was hot and sweaty again, from hardly any movement, in an air conditioned building. My skin was all pink and my clothes were sticking to me. Additionally, I felt very tired and run down. I wrapped up my shopping as quickly as possible and wondered if I should ask someone to help me get the stuff to my car. Ultimately I got everything loaded myself, returned the cart, and then just sat in the driver’s seat for awhile to recover.

It was 98 degrees out, but I left the windows rolled down rather than use the air conditioning, and it was nice. The heat evaporated the sweat (although it did cause more), and the breeze felt nice. As I drove home it started to rain, just a slight spatter here and there. I stuck my arm out the window to catch some of the droplets. An inexplicable emotion came over me and I moaned as if I was going to start crying.

The on again, off again rain continued as I pulled into the apartment complex. I stopped in a space and turned the car off and just sat there, watching the rain pelt my windshield and die away. I eventually opened the door and let some of it smack me in the arm.

After a time the rain got harder and harder. There was no lightning; it was just a downpour. I got tired of my left arm being the only part of me to get wet, so I got out of the car and stood full on in the rain.

It felt so good.

My clothes were drenched within seconds, but I stood there anyway. The air was warm enough that the rain felt very comfortable. I glanced over and saw a neighbor sitting on his porch, presumably staring at me, though it was hard to tell through the sheets of water. I shrugged and went back to enjoying the rain.

It wasn’t long, though, before I decided it would probably be best to get my purse out of the water, and also take the refrigerated groceries into the apartment. So I opened the hatch and grabbed all the perishables and lugged them up to the front door. Opening it, I set the sopping bags and my purse in the entryway and called Sean to ask him to put them away. “I’m going to stand in the rain for awhile,” I said, and shut the door.

I stood outside until the air temperature started dropping and the rain started to feel cold. Water washed over me and I considered sitting on the steps to enjoy it, but ultimately I just stood there until I thought I might be in danger of catching cold. Then, reluctantly, I opened the door, removed my shoes and left them outside, wrung out my shirt as best I could, and made a bee-line for the bathroom, where I stripped down and hung all my clothes in the shower.

Emerging with a towel on my head, I informed Sean, “That was awesome.” He looked pretty perplexed.

Honestly, I don’t know what it is with me and water, but it just seems to rejuvenate me. And I’ve always loved standing in the rain.

I can’t say I feel 100%, but I certainly feel better than I did when I was leaving the grocery store.

Happy Birthday, honey!

“Tomorrow you begin the last year of your 20s,” I told Sean last night.

“Really?” he said. “I thought I was turning 28.”

That’s okay. He didn’t even remember his birthday was coming up until I mentioned it this week.

R. Gabriel’s is gone :(

Not long ago, I met up with Mari and Jeannie at a little cafe on Davis Road for lunch. We had sandwiches and desserts, and I tried a smoothie.

“It’s all right,” I told my friends, “but next time I want a smoothie, it’ll be R. Gabriel’s. Best smoothies in the CSRA.”

It’s true. I have never found anything to match the smoothies at R. Gabriel’s. Not too runny, not too thick, great flavors…I can hardly think about them without wanting one.

Little did I know the next time I wanted a smoothie I would look in the window expecting the cheerful coffeehouse ambiance I’ve grown to love and instead see…racks of clothes.

What?

It’s been awhile since that perplexing day. I kept meaning to call them and find out what happened, but I kept forgetting. Today I got a smoothie at Sonic, and…well, it’s just not an R. Gabriel’s smoothie :/ But having it with me at least reminded me to make the call today when I got to work.

“Your call cannot be completed at this time,” said an odd recording, which told me nothing. Their website still exists, too, with no mention of a closure or move.

Finally I decided to email the guy who does the business segment on our morning show, and he confirmed my fears: R. Gabriel’s was forced to shut down due to the ridiculous construction on Davis Road. He doesn’t know if the other two locations are still open, but the main one is gone. Not moved…just gone.

Life just isn’t fair ;_;

Well, I’m awake

My nasal passages seem clear enough, but I still kept waking up gasping for breath this morning. It just felt weird because I seemed to be breathing fine, so I couldn’t find a reason for that to stop.

Last night I slept in our bed instead of the guest bed, which felt great on my back, but I wonder if Mom’s right and the flatness of it makes my throat get closed off. I guess tonight I can try sleeping on more pillows or something.

I went to bed early last night to try and get myself back on the good schedule. I’m thinking about trying to go biking later. But I don’t know how that’s going to work out if I get out of breath as easily as I have been. It shouldn’t be exhausting to put sheets on a bed, for example. I’m frustrated and I want to just try it and see if I can work myself out of this, but if it’s some sort of problem with my circulatory or respiratory system I’m just going to antagonize it. So meh.

Rex is coming over today to take the desk away. I need to get all my junk off of it at some point. :> Once the desk is gone I can reposition the second bedroom as a workout area, or something.

Right now I feel like there is gunk in my throat–not at the start of my nasal passages where I had been feeling it before, but instead a little lower–and it is grossing me out.