CHF Recovery: Day 63

  • Got up at 6 for a change!
  • Got dressed and had my protein shake and pills at my desk
  • Preheated my car (yay) and went to work, picking up Starbucks on the way (venti chai, protein bistro box, gingerbread loaf)
  • Finished a work project that had been annoying me and moved on to other stuff, which I finished faster
  • Went to get my eyebrows done at lunch (it had been way too long)
  • After work, went to Costco to gas up my car and then to Sushi Huku to pick up takeout
  • While waiting on the takeout, went into Publix and bought:
    • Christmas wrapping paper
    • tampons
    • cordial cherries
    • pumpkin spice Lindor truffles
  • Ate dinner while watching YouTube videos with Sean
  • Napped on top of Sean
  • Poked around online a bit
  • Went to bed around 10

I also wrote several five-sentence ficlets today; it was a lot of fun, and I got some nice comments, including “how is this so good while being so short?” which was a delight :)

CHF Recovery: Day 62

  • Got up at 6:45
  • Took shower and got dressed
  • Packed up pills and protein shake to take to work
  • Picked up Starbucks on the way in
  • Realized the new Starbucks had opened inside our building, but the line was really long so I was glad I went to the drive-thru instead
  • Worked on product descriptions and had a couple meetings
  • Went home at lunch to wrap a present for Celena
  • Sean texted to offer to get dinner from Jimmy John’s, which I took him up on
  • Got home around 5:20, the food arrived shortly thereafter
  • Spent the evening reading online, eating dinner, and poking at a story
  • Sean and Celena watched some Chappelle’s Show (they’d watched Dave Chappelle on SNL yesterday, which was awesome) and then Sean took her to the airport

It was a nice visit with Celena, but too short. I hope it isn’t too long before I see her again.

  • Messed around online
  • Went to bed at 9:15

CHF Recovery: Day 61

Eating has been bad today too. :/

  • Got up at 9:30
  • Settled on the couch with Spider-Man 3, my protein shake, my morning meds, and last night’s pizza

I ate two cheesy bread sticks and half a piece of pizza, and they were delicious. And I livetweeted Spider-Man 3, which I love. I used to say 2 was the best but now I’m not sure. They all work so well together, it’s hard to pick.

After the movie I got on my computer to goof off and eat Oreos. Now I feel like doing something, but I’m not sure what. Sean is at work again (he’s teaching a bootcamp) and Celena is on her computer. I should take a walk. Hmm.

Update: I did not take a walk. I basically stayed on my computer all day, as I recall. I ended up going to bed around 9:30.

CHF Recovery: Day 60

Yet again a day behind. This is the update for November 12.

I spent the morning in bed on my laptop, drinking my protein shake and discussing the story I’d written the day before with some friends. Then I took a shower and Celena and I went to breakfast…at Waffle House!

Sean won’t go to Waffle House anymore, so I thought it would be fun to go there. Celena had never been. She had the hash brown bowl, which I’ve not tried, and said it was good. I had the All-Star Special and barely managed half of it XD It was a really nice breakfast. We talked about Star Wars and Disney and various other things.

After breakfast I went to therapy, which was also nice. I talked about how I’ve adjusted to my medicine and also how I feel more able to discuss my wants and needs at home. I’ve been feeling really good lately. I also discussed a private thing that happened that I had various feelings about, and she encouraged me to act on those feelings. I’m not sure I’m actually going to do that, but it was neat to be validated. I’m pretty timid so I think I will take it slower? I dunno.

When I got back Sean was still at work. Celena and I spent some time on our respective laptops, and then I went on my first walk since I started back at work. I’m glad I walked. It was a beautiful day, tons of fall leaves everywhere, bright clear sky and crisp air. Afterwards I sneezed a lot and Celena said “bless you” every time, which was adorable.

When Sean got home he and Celena watched a couple episodes of RWBY, which I had never seen. It looks like a fantasy show rendered in the CGI style of Naruto video games. Then at around 5 o’clock they went to dinner and to see Doctor Strange, so I ordered pizza (yes, this is bad) and cheesy bread (terrible) and watched Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2. I livetweeted them and it was a lot of fun :)

Sean and Celena got back right at the end of Spider-Man 2. I finished up and went to bed, because by then it was 11:30. A nice day all around, though I am concerned about my poor eating habits.

CHF Recovery: Day 59

Forgot to write yesterday, so this is for October 11, 2016.

I accidentally overslept after turning off my alarm, so I didn’t get up until shortly before 7. I quickly showered and headed off for work, stopping for Starbucks on the way. Work was pretty great; I had no meetings so I was able to just plug away at some writing, with occasional proofing interruptions. Also a former coworker, Rashuri, came by and it was great to see her!

For lunch I ran out quickly and picked up Chick-fil-A. On my way back I passed a truck that was literally on fire. It was freaky. There were flames and smoke billowing out from beneath the hood. I was afraid it was going to blow up. Another vehicle was parked some distance behind it with hazards on, so it looked like the situation was being dealt with, but cars were still going right by it. Scary.

After work I was in a really good mood. I chatted with Sean and Celena a bit and then they went to dinner and I goofed off on my computer writing a story that kind of breaks some boundaries of taste. haha. After they got back I went and picked myself up some KFC, then planted myself in the living room to eat and watch Yuri!!! on Ice, an anime about a figure skater. It is pretty fun so far. I got through maybe four episodes, then finally went to bed.

Other than the eating all the wrong food, it was a pretty good day :)

CHF Recovery: Day 58

I snoozed for an hour today because I didn’t want to get up. But then I did get up, and I showered, and I got dressed, and I kissed Sean, and I went to work! On the way I got Starbucks again. I decided to try the London Fog, which is an Earl Grey latte. Celena had told me about it. It was pretty good, but I like the chai latte better. I also got a protein bistro box and a gingerbread loaf, and I really need to stop eating like this.

Work was fine; I got various things done and felt productive. For lunch I quickly ran errands, picking up a prescription and some groceries and then grabbing Chick-fil-A to eat when I got back.

The rest of the workday was also fine, and I left right on time and came straight home, where I ate Zebra Cakes and Oreos instead of dinner. Heh.

I settled in at my desk and wrote some five-sentence ficlets for prompts from various people, and that was fun. Sean and Celena got back from dinner and set up in the living room. I thought about watching TV but couldn’t come up with anything I wanted to watch, so instead I wrote more tiny stories until bedtime.

CHF Recovery: Day 57

This is so fucked up

  • Snoozed for about 20 minutes
  • Got up and checked CNN
  • Skipped shower and got dressed
  • Drank protein shake
  • Despaired

I did not stop for Starbucks this morning, but I ended up eating cheddar-flavored Ruffles and two Reese’s cups at my desk, so bleh. Then for lunch I had McDonald’s, and for dinner I got Chinese food. Obviously sodium was off the charts today; I didn’t even log.

When I came home with the Chinese food I settled down in front of the TV and ate while watching 30 Rock. Then I got on the computer for a bit, but I didn’t do much, other than talk with friends. I talked with friends at work, too. Just trying to figure out where to go from here.

Celena’s visiting; she arrives tonight. Sean is cleaning. I don’t really have anything to do. Thinking about going to bed early (it’s 9:30).

CHF Recovery: Day 56

I was tempted to snooze this morning, but unlike yesterday I did not feel like a zombie, so I got up with my alarm at 8. I went to the bathroom and showered and got dressed and sat at my computer with my protein shake. I still ended up needing to bring the shake and my pills with me to work. I also stopped for Starbucks across from work for the first time in forever; the cashier said “Long time no see!”

Work went fine. I had one meeting and otherwise worked on writing stuff and fulfilling requests. My new work computer is great; it boots up in like two seconds.

At lunch I went to Carrabba’s and read the second chapter of a fanfic that I had started this morning. The first chapter was lovely and romantic and dangerous, and the second chapter dealt with the consequences of the first, and it was so beautifully tragic. It took me some time to be able to write a good comment for it.

I did not feel bone tired all day the way I have been. I think the withdrawal symptoms are finally going away. I am dismayed that my appetite is back in full force; I’ll do my best not to overeat and to watch my salt better. (Today I didn’t log food at all, but I at least didn’t make too horrible of choices.)

After work I snuggled with Sean for awhile, then made myself a dinner of a PB&J, yogurt, and Baked Lays. I am avoiding election results until there is a final winner. I’m just trying not to think about it. I’m terrified and I just don’t want to know until it’s sure.

CHF Recovery: Day 55

I did not want to get out of bed. I snoozed for 45 minutes. I do not want to be out of bed. I would like to go back to bed right now.

Hours-wise I should have gotten enough sleep, but it sure doesn’t feel like it. I remember my dream, so maybe I didn’t sleep well.

Ugh.

  • Got up at 6:45
  • Did not shower; got dressed

Out of curiosity I just googled withdrawal effects for stopping Wellbutrin and I found this:

Since this medication has a stimulating effect and tends to give people a lot of energy, it is common to experience fatigue, lethargy, and sleepiness when someone quits this drug. For most people, the fatigue will subside within a few weeks. This is because this drug was inhibiting dopamine reuptake and norepinephrine – now you no longer have that going on.

“Within a few weeks” eh? Bleh. But hey, at least this means maybe it’ll get better. Eventually.

Also:

Being on this medication tends to make people have less of an appetite.  When they quit taking it, their appetite returns to normal and they eat more.  This is associated with a weight gain that people experience when they quit Bupropion.

eheheheheh well, I certainly have noticed that.

Sigh.

  • Did not pack a lunch
  • Brought pills and the rest of my shake to work
  • Finished shake at work and took pills
  • Worked on stuff
  • Picked up Shane’s chicken tenders and a giant sweet tea for lunch
  • Worked some more
  • Ate a Snickers
  • Came home and got into pajamas
  • Tidied up the kitchen
  • Ate two Oreos
  • Frowned at a recipe and sat down at my computer instead

I am feeling less tired than I was this morning, which is hopefully a good sign (although it could just be due to all the sugar). I am really uninterested in cooking, though :/

  • Poked around online a bit
  • Cooked!!!!!!!!!
  • Ate dinner at the computer
  • Went to bed at 10:50

CHF Recovery: Day 54

I feel like I have lost all motivation. I haven’t walked in days. Done a ton of sleeping. Don’t feel like writing. Or doing anything.

  • Got up at 8:10 because upstairs neighbor kids were running around singing and yelling “Happy Birthday”
  • Sorted out pills for the week, as I do every Sunday morning, and called in a prescription refill
  • Settled in at computer with protein shake

Thinking about how I was supposed to tell myself “I am 100% confident I will succeed at what I attempt” last week. It’s supposed to basically talk me into it because I am not confident of that at all. I am pretty sure I will fail at basically everything. This is why I was so upset last week, because I was starting to feel like maybe I could get to a point where I could do things, but then Reality came back. I feel like it would be better to just accept that I am unable to do anything, than to continue to try and fail. To feel like I should be doing things I can’t do.

I am not in despair right now. I just feel kind of dull.

  • Finally started reading a book chapter I was supposed to have read yesterday
  • Warmed up some of yesterday’s mac and cheese
  • Started the laundry

Okay, so I basically watched TV all day, with a brief nap on the couch. I also ate like crazy, so I guess my appetite’s back. Yeesh.

My mood is stable. Not good, not bad. Just…there.

I did finish the laundry, clean the kitchen, put out the trash, and start the dishwasher. I also took a shower because it had been like three days :x

Sean picked up Ted’s for dinner, which was great: bison strip steak, sweet potato, and fresh tomatoes. And he also got cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory. Yum. We watched the latest Designated Survivor and then some more That 70s Show, which I had been watching before he got home.

I am really tired so I think I’ll go to bed. It’s 9:38pm. :P

CHF Recovery: Day 53

  • Got up at 8am
  • Had protein shake and morning meds
  • Read a fanfic
  • Ate some HelloFresh leftovers

I have therapy today. I am strongly tempted to just go in my pajamas, because I don’t want to get dressed :P I kind of want to go back to bed, really.

  • Managed to get dressed (but did not shower)
  • Went to therapy, where I was literally dozing off
  • Got Starbucks on my way home
  • Watched some That 70s Show and the first episode of a j-drama about an overnight restaurant in Tokyo
  • Went to the apartment office to get this week’s HelloFresh box, which for some reason FedEx didn’t bother to deliver to my door
  • Napped on the couch until around 8pm
  • Got up and made myself some mac and cheese
  • Ate dinner at my desk and took my evening meds
  • Read stuff online and chatted
  • Went to bed at 10:15

CHF Recovery: Day 52

I woke up naturally at 4:45am, but I could tell that I was not rested, so I went back to sleep until my alarm went off at 6. I was still tired then, so I snoozed for 15 minutes, and then for 15 more minutes. Then I got up, but I would still really rather not be awake.

  • Got up at 6:30
  • Showered and dressed
  • Had protein shake but didn’t finish it before time to leave
  • Packed random stuff for lunch and brought pills to work

I was tired for most of the workday. I managed to get through the rest of my emails (the sorting, anyway, not necessarily dealing with all the contents), and we had a meeting, and that was fine. I forgot to take a lunch break, but I went home at 4pm so that balanced out. Today was the last day for three people on my team and one person on the design team, so I signed cards for them and let them know I would write them LinkedIn recommendations (need to do that). I also got my report document updated with what had been accomplished while I was out. I was supposed to get a new computer, but when I took the old one down to trade it in, they realized Windows 10 had not been installed on the new one yet, so they wanted to do that first. So hopefully Monday I’ll get the new one.

When I got home I changed into pajamas and went to sleep. I slept until something like 8:30, and then I got up and made myself eggs and toast to eat with my evening meds. I went back to bed at 10:45.

I seem to have adjusted to the new medicine. The first day, it made me extremely nauseated, but I’m not having that reaction anymore. My mood also seems to be stabilizing. I’m certainly not thinking the things I was thinking when I got scared and called my doctor to change the medicine. The tiredness may be a side effect, or it might just be from going back to work after so long. I’ll have to wait and see.

CHF Recovery: Day 51

Going back to work today.

  • Alarm went off at 6; wanted to snooze but did not
  • Got dressed

I am going to try the routine where I walk at night today. It occurs to me that after the time change, it might not work to do that, because it’ll get dark earlier in the evening. Oh well. We’ll see.

In any case, I definitely need to walk today, as I missed it the past two days.

  • Had protein shake and morning meds
  • Packed a lunch
  • Went to work

Work was fine. I felt very subdued for most of the day. I also felt tired. I spent most of my time sorting through the 2000 emails that had arrived in my absence. I whittled that number down to around 600. I also did some proofing, participated in a fire drill, and attended a meeting.

A couple people noticed that I have lost weight. I didn’t think I looked that different, but I guess I do.

I ate lunch at my desk, and it was just yogurt and cottage cheese and blackberries and Nutty Bars, and that is not sufficient. I did bring last night’s leftovers, but I didn’t feel like eating them, so I was ravenous when I got home.

  • Got dressed in workout clothes
  • Ate a serving of Peanut M&Ms
  • Went on a 31-minute walk
  • Was very tired afterwards
  • Went out for sushi with Sean

I was planning to cook, but I was falling asleep in my chair. Just completely ran out of energy. I don’t think I can do everything in a day that I am supposed to. :/ As a matter of fact, it is 8:45 but I’m going to bed now because I am so tired.

CHF Recovery: Day 50

  • Got up at 8:45
  • Weighed myself and I was heavier, but I was also unable to use the restroom so
  • Had protein shake and the last chicken tender
  • Waited until I was done eating, then had “morning” meds at 11am
  • Took a shower quickly to try and get it done before any side effects started
  • Felt icky when I got out of the shower so went to lie down
  • Doctor called to check in on me so I told him about the nausea and he said to do half-doses tomorrow too if it continues
  • Napped lightly (not particularly well) for about an hour and 45 minutes
  • Got up and read stuff online

I feel shaky and nauseated and I can’t really concentrate well. I just want to sleep for real and not this weird half-asleep thing. I am yawning a lot and that makes me feel like throwing up and then my hands get all shaky. Please let me adjust to this new medication soon.

  • Packed a box to ship
  • Ate a bit of lunch and felt less nauseated!
  • Got dressed

I just found out (4:15pm) that a former coworker of mine passed away this morning. I don’t know how or why, possibly due to an illness? He had just updated his profile picture yesterday, and responded to a comment on it this morning. He was not particularly old, maybe 40s or 50s. I am just sort of stunned and sad and I wish we had spoken in greater depth than Facebook “likes” recently.

  • Took package to UPS
  • Cooked a HelloFresh dinner; it was pretty easy and tasted pretty good (Southwestern Stuffed Peppers with Quinoa)
  • Managed to eat about 5/8th of a serving, gave up and stored the rest

Time to take evening pills, including the second dose of the new antidepressant…I’m a little nauseated already, here’s hoping it doesn’t get bad…

  • Cleaned kitchen
  • Took evening meds
  • Got dressed for bed
  • Poked around online
  • Ate some Dairy Milk
  • Went to bed around 9:30

I feel better than I did last night, but since I didn’t sleep well last night, and I’m tired now, I’m going to try to get some rest. Back to work tomorrow.

CHF Recovery: Day 49

  • Got up at 8am
  • Weighed myself; I am now 135

Should I be concerned? Part of me wonders that, and the rest of me is like Good, let me just keep losing weight, that is something that culture approves of and nothing else matters.

Whatever.

  • Did not get dressed
  • Sat down at computer
  • Had protein shake and morning meds
  • Started writing a to-do list
  • Discussed a silly movie-trailer-esque advertisement and some other stuff with my friend Rae
  • Scrolled Tumblr
  • Sent an email I needed to send, then wrote “Email letter” on my to-do list and crossed it out

My to-do list right now is:

  1. pack and ship box
  2. create some sort of plan for meals
  3. start reading book
  4. email letter
  5. put up Christmas tree
  6. set up Christmas card station
  7. MAYBE do other decorations

These are not in any particular order. I just wanted to visually differentiate “to-do” from “ta-da”.

I thought about putting “kill myself” on there as a joke but decided not to.

#2 is ridiculous. As I said to Rae, “You know that thing you’ve been trying and failing to do for 15 years? Do that today.” I also told her, “I feel like I am screaming at the world, ‘I can’t do this by myself,’ and the world is answering, ‘Too bad. Do it anyway.'” She’s been having her own extremely rough time so she sympathized.

Anyway today I will try to create some sort of schedule system that will be able to take Sean’s work into account. Somehow. Maybe. I should ask him for input but he is at work.

I wonder if, like the day before yesterday, I will suddenly get in a good mood this afternoon. And then the good mood will last through tomorrow morning, and then I’ll be depressed again. Wouldn’t that be a hoot.

  • Paid rent
  • Renewed Costco membership
  • Wrote those things on to-do list and crossed them off
  • Added day-specific to-do lists:
    • 11/1: call Connor (it’s his birthday), walk, shower, pay rent
    • 11/2: walk, shower
  • Tried to use a meal planning website to make a schedule but realized I would rather have a fully robust calendar that can show me everything and I don’t know if that exists
  • Started playing with Google Calendar and got annoyed at how birthdays are imported and displayed
  • Went into Google Contacts and started editing all my contacts to display in the same format
  • Added other contacts from my Christmas card address spreadsheet because why not just do it all in one place
  • Spent a few hours in Google Contacts until I was tired of doing that
  • Warmed up some leftovers for lunch at 1:15 because I guess I should eat

So I ate a bit of the leftovers but not very much. My mood started really spiraling. I had a very disturbing thought, which I do want to share but at the same time I don’t because it would worry people. Although given that I mentioned the whole putting “kill myself” on my to-do list thing, I imagine you can guess the nature of it. It scared me a lot and I wanted to tell someone but I wasn’t sure who. I looked at the side effects for my depression medication and it said to tell my doctor if that sort of thing happened, so I called his office. At that point I was terrified so I was crying on the phone. They had me come in right away. I put all the food I had made in the fridge and got dressed and went in.

I explained to Dr. M how I’ve been feeling and what my stressors are, and we decided to try a different medication. We will evaluate in a few days and see if we think anything else is necessary.

I went straight to the pharmacy to get the new medicine, but it turned out they didn’t have it on hand, so they called it over to another Kroger for me. I drove over there, stopping for a chai tea latte on the way. Once there I had to wait a little bit. At one point I almost spilled my chai on myself. But I was feeling better knowing that I had a plan of action. I guess I can be optimistic sometimes. Or it was the placebo effect.

I got the medicine finally and came home. Sean was asleep. I decided to go ahead and take the medicine with a snack cake and then get dinner later. This turned out to be a mistake; the medicine made me extremely nauseous and fairly dizzy, and I had to lie down for a full hour waiting for the feelings to go away. When I finally did get up at around 8pm I was still feeling a little off, but I went and picked up dinner (chicken tenders) anyway, because I had barely eaten anything today and I needed some protein and calories.

I am still nauseated, especially when I yawn or otherwise open my mouth, but I am determined to finish one chicken tender before I go to bed for real. I hope I can sleep.

So I guess in list format:

  • Got in for an emergency visit to my doctor
  • Picked up new medication
  • Took first dose along with a snack cake
  • Had to lie down due to nausea
  • Picked up chicken tenders for dinner
  • Suddenly remembered I forgot to call Connor; texted him at 9:30pm
  • Chatted with friends and scrolled Tumblr and tried to eat
  • Only managed to eat one chicken tender and a few bites of mac and cheese due to still feeling slightly nauseated
  • Went to bed at 10:30
  • Woke up at 2:15

I am not sure I really slept? It felt more like a not-restful haze that I would swim out of whenever I heard a noise or saw a light. (I’m not sure what the light was, maybe a car’s headlights?) My muscles were twitchy and when I got up I felt dizzy. I decided to try to eat more of my dinner, since I am not nauseated now. I do seem to be feeling better now that I’m eating.

  • Finished the mac and cheese and another chicken tender
  • Went back to bed at 4:45am