the thoughts and experiences of Heather Meadows
Are those native English speakers? Because wow. I don’t think I’ve ever heard English spoken that well in anime before. And they have accents when they speak Japanese, too, and not the normal “I’m a Japanese person trying to fake an American accent” type of accent you usually hear.
I’m impressed!
A Japanese biker failed to notice his leg had been severed below the knee when he hit a safety barrier, and rode on for 2 km (1.2 miles), leaving a friend to pick up the missing limb.
[…]
He felt excruciating pain, but did not notice that his right leg was missing until he stopped at the next junction, the paper quoted local police as saying.
The guy’s from Hamamatsu. I used to read the blog of a guy who lived there, though he stopped posting shortly after his baby daughter was born. I wonder if he’s still there. I wonder if he knows this guy :>
I haven’t read many of my Bloglines subscriptions in the past year or so. Working in news, I’ve either found the thought of reading online tiresome or overwhelming every time I’ve tried to catch up. Today I’ve got some free moments while I wait for DVDs to burn, so I’ve been working through some of my Japan blogs. I’m currently plowing through Sushicam, and this post of Jeff’s seemed like it was written just for me:
Did you enjoy yourself today?
I mean really, REALLY enjoy yourself?
I shudder to think what the most common answer would be if we were all to honestly answer this most simple of questions each night before drifting off to sleep.
Barring any serious illness, unemployment issues, or family tragedies, probably the greatest reason that a person is not enjoying their life is because they are not taking the time to take care of themselves. And what better way to find happiness in life than to take the time to do something that really means something to you.
Slow down.Get a hobby.
Have a purpose
Do something meaningful with your time.
And while everyone has a different interpretation of what has meaning, each and everyone of us should be doing something each day that is just for us. Something we enjoy, and not something you either feel obligated to do, or something that you get paid to do.
Wow.
So maybe it’s not my circumstances that are making me unhappy.
Maybe it’s just that I’m not doing anything fun.
I’ve been thinking of that as a circumstance…but don’t I have the power to do what I want, if I really try? Even if I have to work around Sean’s schedule and my work schedule, isn’t there a way to pursue my hobbies?
It feels like it’s been so long since I’ve explored.
I need to get out and enjoy myself. I need to take care of me.
I’m sure this has been painfully obvious to all of you, and I thank you for your patience in dealing with my whiny posts for the past however long it’s been. These emotional epiphanies never seem to come easily, even when they’re this simple.
There are some animated Lara Croft shorts over at Gametap. As of right now they’re up to eight shorts that tell five stories, and two more stories are on the way.
The first story, “Keys to the Kingdom”, has a cabal of different religions coming together to get an artifact said to revive the dead. The idea of religions uniting (and being bad guys) was also done in Ctrl-Alt-Del recently, and it’s facile, reactionary, and not particularly imaginative in general. Still, it was a decent story, and I did find the part where all the religious leaders told each other to go to hell, or called each other infidels, or whatnot, fairly amusing. Great art and animation, too. The story and art are by Peter Cheung of Aeon Flux, which perhaps explains everything I just said.
The second story, “Episode 4: Revenge of the Aztec Mummy”, is completely different. It’s Lara Croft done as a spoof. And it’s really not all that funny. You might want to just skip it. The animation at least fits the story, I guess. I almost felt like I was watching one of the poorer Darkwing Duck episodes. I think I know why: the design was by a guy who worked on Animaniacs.
The third story, “Episodes 5 and 6: Angel Spit”, is actually pretty neat, though the ending is a bit cliched. The part where she blows a huge hole in the wall really made me cringe, though. Watch it and you’ll know why. Quite an interesting situation. I thought the animation was fairly decent in this one, but at times it looked South Park-y. Warren Ellis wrote the story, which made me expect more–though I’ve never read a thing the man’s written, people seem to go on and on about him. The dialogue was good and the story felt epic. It was really just the ending that was kind of blah.
The fourth story, “Episode 7: Lara Croft: Legacy”, is my absolute favorite. It was perfect. Of course, you’ll be turned off if you didn’t ever like Hanna-Barbera’s adventure cartoons like Jonny Quest, because this is done in an old-fashioned style with old-fashioned music. There are even “dust particles” on the “film”. I thought it was campy and fun. And the story was good too. I enjoyed the addition of a character who wasn’t simply there for Lara to defeat. I’m not familiar with the writer or designer, but after watching this short I feel like I ought to be.
The fifth story, “Episode 8: Pre-Teen Raider”, is also good. Pretty cute. Although if one of your pet peeves is obnoxious children, you might want to pass. I don’t know anything about the writer or designers here, either.
From their synopses, the upcoming stories look pretty cool as well. “Raising Thaumopolis” sounds like a good premise for an adventure…plus it’s written by Mike Stackpole! And “A Complicated Woman” reminds me fondly of one of my favorite Batman: The Animated Series episodes, “Almost Got ‘Im”. I can’t wait to watch them.
Thanks to Tycho for pointing these out!
Edit 07/08/25: I watched Stackpole’s not long ago and enjoyed it. I guess I really wasn’t paying attention. I just watched it again. Basically, the bad guys in that story are “neocons” who started the war in Iraq in order to get an ancient artifact. That goes a little beyond metaphor, doesn’t it? Sheesh.
If you ignore that part, though, it’s pretty good. I enjoy Lara’s interactions with Mr. Cooper.
It’s been almost two years since fire destroyed the first home I created for myself and my husband. Sean found the place and I moved from Kentucky to live there. I decorated, I cleaned, I learned to get over myself and deal with things like loneliness and uncertainty. Over time I developed ideas and systems and I was in great shape. I loved the apartment–it was filled with things that reminded me of my home back in Kentucky and beautiful in its own right, with a cathedral ceiling in the living room and a gorgeous view of the pond below.
It was home.
After we lost it, lost everything, we didn’t have a home. We lived with Sean’s parents. There was no place for us to go back to, no comfort zone. We stayed there perhaps a little too long, until finally I told Sean we had to move now.
It was I who found the new apartment. It costs much less and is in a good location. The building is still fairly new. Our management company is fast and helpful.
I wasn’t able to decorate right away, mainly because we didn’t have many possessions to move in, but also because I had a job and wasn’t able to spend entire days working on the apartment like I did when we first got married. So for months we have been accumulating things and I’ve been trying to put them in places that look good and make sense.
Some things are different. We spend most of our time in the living room now, whereas in the old apartment we could usually be found in the office. The office here is more of a second bedroom with a desk and a closet full of dry goods, paperwork, and stuff we couldn’t find another place for. It’s never felt cozy, and I haven’t had time to deal with that.
Since there was only one desk and I was using it, Sean took up a position on the kotatsu in the living room, and he’s been there ever since. Now he says he doesn’t want to have a desk, but prefers to stay right where he is. To manage some of his clutter, I bought him a little black file cabinet.
Meanwhile, I got lonely sitting in there by myself, so I moved my laptop out onto the coffee table we’re keeping for Brooke. The desk wasn’t particularly comfortable to sit at, so this really isn’t too different. When my back hurts, I sit on the floor, and when I’m bored with that I sit on the loveseat Brooke gave us.
We have a large, old TV given to us by Robert and Julia, and a cheap DVD player I bought at Wal-Mart, and we spend much of our time at home sitting at our computers and watching DVDs. Sometimes I feel like I’m trying to escape into another world rather than dealing with the things that need to be done, or even the things I think I want to do.
The TV sits against the wall shared by our master bedroom. With that; the fact that the door is right next to it, allowing sound through the cracks; and Sean’s late-night schedule, it is often difficult for me to sleep soundly. I’m sure the same is true for him when I’m up during the day. Complicating matters is the fact that Sean will often sleep on the couch next to his kotatsu, meaning when I get up I feel like I have to be quiet. So I can’t even retreat into a DVD.
I’ve Twittered about my discontent lately, how I feel like I haven’t really had a summer, how I have trouble waking up in the morning.
Today, while sitting at my laptop in the living room of our apartment, I thought, “I want to go home.”
And it finally hit me. I feel the same about this place as I did about Cheryl and Reid’s. It’s not home. It’s a place where I’m keeping my stuff, a base to operate out of. When I’m not here, I don’t wish I was. Even when I say I want to go home, when I finally get here I don’t feel relieved. I feel resigned.
Part of it, I’m sure, is due to some actual problems with the apartment, such as the layout and our noisy neighbors and the fact that we have no view whatsoever. But I think I’ve also failed to take ownership of this place and the things inside it because I feel like none of it belongs to me. How much of it was given to us, and how much of it was purchased using money that was given to us? What here can I say is truly mine?
I hope when our lease is up next spring that we are able to move. Even though I have an idea of what’s bothering me, I don’t feel like I want to take ownership of this place. I want to start fresh, and put more time into picking the spot and the things I want to go in it. I want to find a place that doesn’t have the problems this place does. I want to find something cute, just large enough to suit our needs.
I want to stop wishing I was back in our old apartment, with all our old stuff.
I want to find home.
Doctors seem to think they’ll hurt my feelings if they say no. “Never say never,” they’ll say, even after informing me that there is only a 7% chance of ovary function returning to normal after a bone marrow transplant, and even then it usually happens within the first year of recovery.
I would rather you just told me it was impossible, because I hate wishing and hoping and planning when I don’t know if it will ever happen.
Regardless, I do think I like my new doctor, despite her tendency to ramble.
So there’s this thing on MySpace (and probably email) where you forward and add to a list. Reid sent out one recently where you pick a movie title and add a certain phrase to it.
I think his addition to the list was the best.
The Day the Earth Stood Still between my legs
XD
Found this on my GSP friend Shannon’s MySpace.
1. Song that always makes you sad?
Tears in Heaven
2. Last thing you bought?
Dinner at Arby’s – two beef and cheddars, two bacon beef and cheddars, and a large potato cake
3. Last person you argued with?
I…can’t remember.
4. Do you put Butter before putting the peanut butter on?
Er…no? And on what?
5. One of your stuffed animals’ names as a kid?
Brownie
6. Did you ever own at one time a Barenaked Ladies Cd?
No…they suck
7. Favorite day of the week?
It really depends. Sometimes Mondays are great because I’m tired of doing nothing all weekend; sometimes Wednesdays are great because I’m riding a good wave of momentum from the beginning of the week; and of course sometimes Fridays are good because the week’s over.
8. Favorite Sundae topping?
While I’ve got to have chocolate syrup and whipped cream, the best part is the cherry.
9. Did you take Piano lessons?
Yes…for ten years.
10. Most frequent song played?
“Fur Elise”…I still play it.
11. T.V. show you secretly enjoy?
I don’t really watch TV, and if I did I wouldn’t be ashamed of what I liked.
12. Would you rather play basketball or hockey?
I guess I would prefer hockey, if ice skates didn’t kill my feet.
13. Date someone older or younger?
Well, I’m married to someone four months younger than me, which isn’t really that much of a difference.
14. One place you could travel right now?
I could travel to lots of places right now :> If I could go anywhere, though, I’d go to a beach. Maybe a beach in Japan!
15. Do you use umbrellas?
Sometimes. I leave it in the car, so often I don’t have it when I need it.
16. Do you know all the words to the Canadian national anthem?
No. Is this a quiz for Canadians? Because I don’t know any national anthem other than my own.
17. Favorite Cheese?
I like blocks of sharp cheddar.
18. The Smith’s or the Cure?
Neither, I guess.
19. Do you prefer Blondes or Brunettes?
Don’t really have a preference.
20. Best job you ever had?
The one I have now.
21. did you go to your high school prom?
Unfortunately, yes. I guess it was good for the freshman I took with me, so he could hang out with his friends. But I honestly had no use for the prom itself. The restaurant beforehand and the early breakfast we had at a friend’s house after were far preferable.
22. perfect time to wake up?
Dawn
23. perfect time to go to bed?
Early enough to feel rested when I get up.
24. do you use your queen right away in chess?
It’s been years, but no, usually I’d use her mid-game.
25. Ever been in a car accident?
Yes, twice…once a kid crashed into my door as I was turning into a parking lot, and once a van pulled out in front of me on the interstate, and I crashed into the guardrail trying to avoid it.
26. closer to mom or dad…or neither?
I love both my parents very much, but I’m closest to my mom.
27. what age is this exciting life over for you?
Lately I’ve been feeling like my exciting life has been over for awhile.
28. what decade during the 20th century would you have chosen to be a teenager?
I’m fine with the 90s, although the 80s might have been interesting.
29. Favorite shoes you have EVER owned?
I used to have these high-top-esque black shoes with velcro closures on top. I loved those shoes. I had some white ones too, but the black ones were the coolest.
30. Do you have an article of clothing you have had since you were in high school?
No, I lost all that stuff in the fire :P
31. Were you in track and field?
No, but I did think about it. I’ve always hated running, but I thought maybe I could force myself past it. Never actually went for it though.
32. Were you ever in a school talent show?
Yes, playing piano
33. Have you ever written in a library book?
No…I was “good”.
34. Allergic to?
Not sure, but it seems to be getting worse
35. Favorite fruit?
Toss up among kiwi, plums, and blackberries.
36. Have you watched sex and the city?
I saw a censored version on Fox once. It was the stupidest show I’ve ever seen.
37. Baseball hat or toque?
WTF is a toque? *googles* Hmm, okay, in this climate, definitely the baseball cap.
38. Do you shampoo first in the shower or soap?
Soap, then shave, then shampoo last.
39. Wet the toothbrush or brush dry with the toothpaste?
I put the toothpaste on and then wet it all.
40. Pen or pencil?
I used to only like pencils, but now I’m all about pens.
41. Have you ever gambled at a casino?
No, but I’d like to try it once.
42. Have you thrown up on a plane?
No, flying doesn’t bother me.
43. Have you thrown up in a car?
Not that I recall.
44. Have you thrown up at work?
No.
45. Do you scream on roller coasters?
Yes, but I also avoid them like the plague.
46. Who was your first prom date?
My first and last prom date was a computer geek freshman, when I was a senior. Long story, and not really worth telling.
47. Who was your first roommate?
A girl from Alabama named Saxon.
48. ???
??? yourself.
49. What was your first job?
Other than working for my parents’ business…my first job was at Wal-Mart. I lasted about a week and a half.
50. What was your first car?
The first car I had to myself was our family’s Mercury Marquis, passed to us from Grandma when she bought a new car. But it wasn’t really MINE, so when I dropped out of college and got a full time job I bought my own car, a Ford Taurus. (Then I got cancer and had to be admitted to the hospital, so my parents ended up making payments on it…bleh.)
51. When did you go to your first funeral?
I guess it was when my great-grandmother died? But I’m not sure when that was exactly.
52. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown?
I was 18 when I moved to Alabama for college. I was there nine months. It wasn’t until I was 24 that I moved away permanently, here to Augusta.
53. Who was your first grade teacher?
Mrs. Fosson, though I can’t tell you any more than that.
54. Where did you go on your first airplane ride?
Texas…I was a baby. I don’t know why my mom was going there.
55. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with?
I never snuck out. There was one time I thought about it, to go to a party hosted by some people I knew on a local BBS. But the idea of doing it was too scary, so I didn’t.
56. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends with them?
My very first best friend was Eddie, in fourth grade. I don’t know where he is or what he’s doing now.
57. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parent’s house?
I don’t know if you can call going to college “moving out”, since most of my stuff was still at my parents’ house, but if you can, I lived in the dorms at the University of Alabama-Huntsville. They were very nice. If you can’t count that, then it would be Springhouse Apartments in Augusta.
58. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day?
Twitter…that way Mom and Brooke both have a way of knowing.
59. Who’s Whose wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen?Brooke’s AJ and Faye’s, duh. And the only time I was in a wedding before that was when I was a flower girl (or something) in Aunt Sally’s wedding. Brooke’s wedding was the first time I was a maid (technically matron) of honor.
60. What is the first thing you do in the morning?
Pick out my clothes and carry them to the bathroom.
61. What was the first concert you attended?
Errr…I don’t know. Maybe Carman, at Rupp Arena in Lexington.
62. First tattoo or piercing?
My ears are pierced…had them done when I turned 16. I’ve lived a fairly tame existence.
63. First celebrity crush?
I have two answers to this. I always rather liked Michael W. Smith–I had a big poster of him on my wall, and I’d stare into his bright blue eyes and sigh. But there was also a time when I saw part of An Officer and a Gentleman, when Richard Gere was wearing that white uniform…and, well, just whoa.
Last night I had a funny dream and a very vivid one.
In the first dream, I dreamed that a guy I deal with a lot in the Chicago corporate office, Mike, had sent me an email to tell me that I was annoying. Then, in the dream, I “woke up”, and I told Mike about that dream. And he said, “Well, that’s kind of true.”
(I emailed Mike to tell him about the dream today and he thought it was hilarious. And, for the record, he said it wasn’t true at all ;>)
In the other dream, Sean and I were with my family and some other people outside when all of a sudden a big cloud of gray and yellow dust started moving towards us. As we looked at it, we saw what appeared to be little birds riding on top of things three times their size, but as they drew closer we realized they were actually large bees carrying huge white and yellow flowers.
I ran for my camera, but couldn’t find it.
The bees didn’t seem to care about us at first, but for some reason as time went on they became hostile, and at that point I noticed their five inch stingers. One of them stabbed Mom in the behind as she was fleeing indoors, the long, thin, needle-like stinger going all the way in.
“Did it hurt?” I asked her.
“Not really,” she grimaced.
I thought we should just leave the bees alone, but many people started to go for the bug spray. Four-year-old Logan grabbed some and started spraying it around, then lost his balance and almost fell off the table he was standing on. I and someone else grabbed him and sat him down.
“Do you know why we’re mad at you?” I asked him, because I wanted him to understand that there might not always be someone to catch him when he fell, and he needed to be more careful.
“Yes,” said someone else, answering for him, which was annoying. I’m not sure who it was…it didn’t seem like Mom or Faye, so maybe it was just a character interjected into the dream to represent bad parents, even though Logan actually has very good parents.
Later I was headed off somewhere and I was a little paranoid that the bees would sting me, so I hurried, and then I heard Mom behind me saying “They’re going after Faye–er, Heather.” (She will sometimes go through a whole list of names before finding the person she’s talking about ;> I’ve been called Bev, Carol, Sally, Faye, and Amanda many times.) Regardless, somehow, I managed not to get stung.
This dream, of course, partially reflects my experience every day when I leave the apartment and have to walk through a horde of wasps and hornets. Occasionally I think about calling management to have pest control come out, but they’ve never stung me, and it’s only nerve-wracking for those few seconds while I walk to my car, so usually I decide not to worry about it.
(This morning they were even crazier than usual, actually running into walls. Is it mating season? Still didn’t get stung, though.)
At some point during the dream about the bees, I remember meeting a nice older couple who were talking with Sean about his wedding ring. He apparently needed to have it fixed (although I have no idea what could possibly go wrong with a plain white gold band), but due to various tax and political family issues, he didn’t want to have it done in Augusta. The couple was recommending he send it to Kentucky and then we could pick it up at Christmas.
“Oh, and while you’re there, you should meet the so-and-sos,” the woman said. “I know you’ll like them!”
To my great surprise, Sean was not only thoroughly enjoying the conversation with the couple we barely knew, but also seemed eager to meet their friends in Kentucky.
And that’s about it for last night’s dreams :>
So, you may have heard that one of my all-time favorite TV shows is supposed to make a comeback. A publisher I’ve never heard of called Zeros 2 Heroes is apparently taking over the franchise. (Edit: Actually, Zeros 2 Heroes is a “social media company” that is handling the community part and possibly the webcomic part of the new effort; the actual production company is Rainmaker Animation, which apparently bought out Mainframe Entertainment.) Five different groups have presented concepts on their website, and fans are rating and commenting on them.
I looked them over and wasn’t very happy, but I didn’t expect to be. Maybe a cool show will come out of all of this, but it’s not going to be the ReBoot I fell in love with. Hell, season 4 wasn’t, either. In seasons 1 and 2, Bob was Han Solo, perfectly willing to delete Megabyte if he got the chance, but in season 4, suddenly Greedo shot first. (And Dot had apparently lost her mind.)
Some of the new incarnations don’t bother to give us our old characters, or when they do, it’s in a vague, “in the past” kind of way. The ones that do “continue” the story completely destroy the characters…Bob becomes a big bruiser in one of them, and Mad Max in another. Isn’t this what games are for? And also, it’s been done. Even if we ignore season 4 hippie Bob, I can’t see Guardian 452 turning into a musclehead. It’s just not…him.
In one incarnation, Dot is actually described as “just a girl”. What? In another, somehow she is married to Megabyte and the mother of a child with two fathers. What?
After season 4, I’ve had about enough of Dot getting the shaft, thanks. I’d like to see her kick some ass, like she did in the first three seasons.
There is no way Dot would ever think of herself as “just a girl”, and there is no way she would knowingly and willingly marry Megabyte, regardless of whether or not she had “code growing inside her”. (Bleh.)
Matrix and AndrAIa, who probably fit these new “hardcore” (snerk) concepts better than our original cast, are curiously absent, though one of the concept creators promised they’d show up later.
In most of these stories, Mainframe has been destroyed. In some of them, the city doesn’t even appear at all. Mainframe is kind of like one of the main characters of the original show, and the search for it was the entire point of season 3. Plus, Mainframe is awesome. Why would you ever get rid of it?
And then, oh and then, there’s the art. All but one of the designs goes completely off from the look of the original show. Honestly? I don’t think the show needed an updated look. Smoother animation, better textures, maybe. But it doesn’t have to look world-realistic…it’s happening inside a computer. I think season 3 was as far as they should have gone with tweaking the look. Season 4 crossed the line–somehow, the characters looked like action figures who didn’t quite seem to be placed properly in the scene, like they were filmed on a green screen. Now these new concepts are telling me that my beloved characters won’t even look like themselves.
What reason do I have to watch this new incarnation, really? I can’t seem to find one.
I think I will just have to write this off. And while I’m at it, I’ll write off season 4, too. Season 3 had a perfectly good ending. Sure, they didn’t beat Daemon, nor did they meet “the User”, but they saved Mainframe and they were all reunited. It ended with a sense of hope. I’d rather leave ReBoot there than with all these new, “darc” incarnations–season 4 included.
Yuuri is having dinner with the previous Maou and her family, as shown in the anime. They get to talking about what Yuuri’s world is like, and he mentions science and technology. At first everyone’s response is that the humans have things like that to try and kill people from a long distance away, but Yuuri quickly says that he’s not talking about war technology, but technology for improving people’s lives.
“Wait wait wait, I didn’t mean that kind of science! In short, well, umm, machines that will do troublesome chores like cleaning and laundry, and machines that will plow fields all at once. In short, stuff to make daily living more comfortable.”
Cheri seems sweetly surprised.
“I don’t think cleaning and laundry are troublesome. That’s the job of the cleaning men and laundry women.”
I didn’t even think about how the queen lives up to now.
“So, so, instead of people in charge of cleaning or laundry, you’d have a machine.”
“If that’s so, the servants lose their jobs?”
“If that happens, those people work at factories to build vacuum cleaners and washing machines…”
I don’t really know if people can live easily.
Translation from Onadoru Euphoria.
I read a utopian story once–can’t remember the name, thought it was by Doctorow but am having trouble locating it–in which robots did all the menial tasks, freeing up people to pursue whatever activities they desired. People’s pursuits were profitable because there was typically a market for them. The pursuits were also typically creative. Unfortunately, to reach this point of bliss, the world had to go through a period of war, during which the US created the robots now being used to better people’s lives. In the story, the US was pretty totalitarian, and the utopia was in Australia.
I love the idea of people being free to do whatever pleases them, but I wonder if that’s even possible. Not everyone is as self-motivated as the author of that story (though we certainly wish we were sometimes!). So if people really were free to do whatever they wanted, would things really be different from now? Wouldn’t quite a few people sit around wallowing in boredom, watching TV, supported by the infrastructure and entertained by the people who did have motivation? And what about people who just want to have fun, and don’t care about producing anything or offering a service? I, for example, want to travel and eat. How would those things better society?
(And who maintains the robots?)
Anyway, I just thought it was interesting to see that sort of philosophical question appear in maru-ma.
(By the way, “maru-ma” is the term used to encompass all facets of the story which was made into an anime called Kyou Kara Maou. The light novels have names with variations on “Ma no Tsuku“, for example. The common thread among all these is the “Ma”, roughly meaning “demon”, which is always enclosed in a circle, called “Maru”, hence “maru-ma“.)
Brooke tagged me 57 years ago to list 8 random things about myself, then tag 8 other bloggers to do the same. I’m getting around to it today, for some reason.
1. I hate our apartment. I really do. I’ve done what I can do so far to make it nice–more could obviously be done–but it finally hit me yesterday that I just hate it, and I don’t care about doing anything else to it. I loved our old apartment, and I want to live somewhere nice like that again, with a non-shotgun floor plan and vaulted ceilings and fewer bugs.
2. When I first moved here, I thought “Wife Saver” was a highly offensive name for a restaurant, and I still do. But I also thought it was hilarious, and I still do. And as you probably know, it’s one of my favorite places to eat.
3. I’m going to buy a dining room table soon. It has to be done.
4. I want to find some friends, because whenever I get the urge to go out and do something, I have no one to do it with. But when I make friends at work, they all end up leaving for other jobs. I’m lonely.
5. I just saw a picture of Allen Schezar from Escaflowne out of the corner of my eye and wondered why Kyou Kara Maou‘s Gunter had blond hair.
6. I hate being a woman. We’re more in touch with how we feel about things, which means we make decisions based more on feelings than logic, which can be good…but at the same time it makes us look emotional and flighty and illogical, which makes it hard to be taken seriously. I hate that. I don’t want men to roll over and do whatever women want in order to avoid a temper tantrum, but I don’t want men to ignore women’s feelings, either. I don’t know what a good solution is.
7. I am putting off starting my Cowboy Bebop game because I lack confidence in myself. I know this, and I know I just need to get over it and do it, but it’s hard.
8. My brother Ben keeps sending me cell phone pictures from the farm where he’s living. I want a camera phone!
For about two years now, I haven’t really been myself. I think part of it is simply getting back on my feet, both financially and emotionally, from the fire. Whatever it is, it’s meant that I haven’t been comfortable, I haven’t gotten into a routine…I simply live day to day with no long-term plans, ignoring everything other than what I need to deal with whatever’s in front of me at the moment.
I’m tired of that. I’m tired of not having any plans on the weekend. I’m tired of not knowing that an adventure awaits me in the near future. I’m tired of chugging through life blind and deaf to the wonders around me.
So today, I took my first steps towards getting back to what I had before the fire.
No, I didn’t start a new diet or workout routine or buy a bike rack (though I think I will look into that later). Instead, I removed two stressors that have weighed on me for most of the last two years.
They’ve always been in the background, and I’ve always known that I was supposed to do something about them, but I never did. And time passed, and they just seemed to get bigger and bigger, and I just kept avoiding them and feeling bad about avoiding them.
This morning I woke up thinking that I would need to deal with those two things before I could move on to other things I need to do. I tried to figure out how I would do them, now that so much time has passed.
And then it hit me. I am never going to move forward in my life if I don’t forgive myself for the mistakes of the past.
These two things…I am never going to do them. I had to come to terms with that. Not only that, but I had to make things right with the people involved. I had to definitively shut the door on these two stressors, locking them out of my life once and for all.
So I did that as soon as I got out of bed.
I don’t feel infinitely relieved at this point, because there are still some things I do have to do, but without those two ghosts hanging over my shoulder, I feel better-equipped to do those other things.
There is also, I think, one more thing I need to forgive myself for. But that one’s even harder. Somehow, I have to forgive myself for something that wasn’t even my fault.
I’m not even sure how to do that. But now I at least feel like I can do it.
I love her animal shelter idea. It reminds me of my old dream of owning a big old bed and breakfast-style house and having a billion adopted and foster kids live there.
This just reminds me, yet again, how much I want to take a year off, and road trip around the US.
And I have always hated the term “flyover country” :P