Grouchy

I’ve found myself getting annoyed or upset by things that shouldn’t matter today, or at least which don’t warrant such a strong response. For example, this morning I passed a house where I’ve seen a cute little old man doing yard work or getting the mail before. He wasn’t around and the house was in the process of getting new siding. I thought, “What if the man died, and his family is fixing up his house to sell it?” And the thought made me so sad that tears came to my eyes.

Then today at lunch, I tried the new cafe in Hammond’s Ferry. I had really been looking forward to it. When I got there, it was busy, so I couldn’t sit outside in the nice weather. Inside, after I was seated, all the waitresses ignored me–I don’t know if they thought I was waiting on someone else or what. The hostess tried to help me but was too distracted to do a good job. She offered me bread and never brought it, and didn’t ask if I’d like dessert before bringing the check. I’d wanted to try something of theirs, but I was so irritated by the experience that I paid and left instead. Normally I would have just said, “Actually, I was hoping to get some dessert, too.”

So I grouchily drove away, still wanting dessert. It struck me that I still hadn’t tried Sno Cap Drive-In, so I went there. After sitting in a parking spot for awhile, I finally noticed the sign on the menu that says, “sorry the system is out of order. You may place your order inside and we will bring it to you.” Great, I thought, a drive-in that isn’t even really a drive-in. What a fabulous day I’m having.

These are not things to get upset over, but I can’t seem to help it.

The hot fudge cake sundae is helping, though.

As you might guess, I am wondering if I’m hormonal, if I’m going to have another period. Tomorrow it will be exactly 30 days since the last one started. Am I going to keep having regular periods? That’s what I’m hoping.

But if that hope is causing some sort of psychosomatic PMS, then BLAH.

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A little awkward

Names abbreviated to protect, well, everyone.

JA: Have you seen JT today?
Me: Can’t say that I have.
JA: Well, she has this big…mark in the middle of her forehead. And as I was talking to her, I actually stopped to look at it. Then, you know, I tried to keep going, but…man, I don’t know if it’s a bruise or what. So if you see her…
Me: Try not to stare?
JA: Yeah.

If my work was a sitcom, at this point we’d cut to a scene where I’m staring at the mark on JT’s forehead. That hasn’t actually happened.

…yet.

Update: Hours later, I suddenly remembered something.

Me: Did it occur to you when you saw the mark on JT’s forehead that today’s Ash Wednesday?
JA: …no it did not. But now that you mention it…

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A horrible day turns good, then weird (TMI)

Today I felt terrible. I was on the verge of tears well into early afternoon, and then I actually did cry.

It started with my new, poorly-researched diet plan. I had had high hopes for the iPhone application Dietician, and what happy changes it might bring to my life. I got up at 7 and fiddled around until around 8:15 and then went shopping to get the groceries to follow Dietician’s plan for this week.

And already I’d hit a stumbling block. Dietician’s shopping lists are “today”, or today plus 7 or 14 days. Think about the logistics of shopping for today’s meals for a minute. So I’m supposed to go to the grocery store before breakfast, and then cook everything that needs to be cooked when I get back, before work?

I ran around the store in a frenzy, trying to get everything on the list, which was very inconveniently not sorted by grocery store section. Making matters more difficult was the fact that the amount of each food item was not totaled up; I had to do it in my head as I went. I had known about these cons to the program when I bought it, but I hadn’t realized just how much of a pain they were going to be until I actually tried it.

I got as many of the items as I could before I realized I was way out of time–another con: when you have Dietician open, you can’t see the clock! Then I checked out and hurried home and threw everything into the refrigerator and freezer. Of course, I had no time to prepare the recipes that were assigned for today. So I gave up and tossed cereal and my leftover meatloaf sandwich half in my lunch box and flew off to work.

I hadn’t had anything to eat and the new diet plan I’d had such high hopes for had turned out to be a disaster. Those were perfectly good reasons to be upset, and so I figured that was all it was. I was as pleasant as I could possibly be to everyone–fortunately I wasn’t in one of my evil moods, just a very self-piteous one. But I had trouble concentrating and ended up eating what I’d packed for lunch almost immediately, and then, over my late lunch break, I decided to escape to Boll Weevil. I started crying almost as soon as I got into my car and the tears didn’t stop until I got there.

Originally I figured I’d eat something ridiculously bad for me that I hadn’t allowed myself to eat in awhile, but after that meatloaf sandwich I really didn’t feel up to it, so I ended up having a salad with chicken salad on top. The chicken salad was a treat; I’ve hardly ever had it in the past year due to all the mayonnaise. Then I decided I wanted cake. Big gooey all chocolate cake. So I ordered a slice of Perfect Chocolate Cake, which is really the equivalent of two or three pieces, and ate quite a bit of it.

It was simply amazing how I felt about a half hour after that. My concentration returned. I was smiling. I felt productive. I had honestly expected to be even more miserable due to guilt over eating so much bad-for-me food, but that feeling was nowhere to be found. I felt…happy.

I finished up some niggling tasks and laid out a plan for tomorrow. Finally it was time to leave. I stopped in the bathroom on my way out…and that’s when I discovered what might account for it all.

Blood. Just a trace.

“You’re kidding,” I said aloud. I double-checked. “You’re not kidding.”

When I got home I looked at my calendar. I’d had a period in January that lasted nine days. It had started on January 10–30 days ago.

This could very well be a regular cycle.

You must understand, I have not had normal periods without the assistance of hormone medication since before I had cancer in 1997. I have occasionally had periods, but each one was isolated, with the next coming months or years later.

I am still having trouble believing that I’m having one now, so soon after the last. So…normally!

It is obviously premature to assume this means anything, other than perhaps that my weight loss efforts have helped my whole body become healthier. But if you know me, you know that my thoughts immediately went to the possibility of children. Try as I might, I can’t imagine that I’ll give up all hope until I’m too old.

For now, though, I’m concentrating on immediate truths: that ultimately this is a good thing, that I’m getting healthier, that there’s nothing wrong with me…and that I can cure PMS with chocolate.

I wish I could go back in time and comfort mid-afternoon me, who sat in her car wailing “Why does this keep happening to me?” with tears streaming down her face.

It’s okay, me. It’s just your period.

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Reboot

Lately I have had a hard time maintaining healthy habits. I’ve been crushed by a need to lose more weight now, and that has locked me into a cycle of disappointment and bad choices. I tried to stay positive, but each day my weigh-in has made me more and more depressed. This last week, to avoid that feeling, I decided to only weigh in on Mondays…but I ended up making very poor food choices this week, including lots of chocolate and grease. I haven’t weighed in and I’m not looking forward to it.

I’ve decided that the only way to get out of this self-destructive pattern is a hard reboot. I need to just start over. I need to throw out the weight loss of 2008 as if it never happened, and start from zero. I need to eliminate the pressure of past success and focus on being healthy.

To that end, I am downloading an iPhone application called “Dietician”. I can enter my current weight, my goal weight, and what type of diet I want, and this application will generate recipes, a meal schedule, and shopping lists for me. Rather than feeling bad that I never have the time or motivation to create my own meal plan system, I can simply follow this application’s advice and start shopping and cooking smarter. Here’s a review of the app where you can get more information.

I am also going to start thinking about how to vary my workout routine more. For the past two weeks I’ve been trying to ride my bike every morning, but on days when it was too cold or I had muscle strain I ended up not doing anything. My plan now is to start working with a personal trainer at the Y and get a varied, targeted workout schedule set up.

I can’t just keep doing the same things, and I can’t let myself continue to be discouraged. It’s time for proaction. It’s time to reboot.

Resolution

On June 3, 2008, I weighed 261.5 pounds. This morning I weighed in at 212.9 pounds. This means I lost 48.6 pounds in 2008–almost 50 pounds in 30 weeks.

In 2009 I intend to continue losing weight. I have set a goal weight for myself of 138 pounds, a goal I plan to meet by the end of the year. As of today, I have 74.9 pounds to lose. This means I must lose an average of 1.44 pounds every week in 2009. Since I managed an average of 1.62 pounds a week in 2008, I find this goal more than reasonable.

It’s also unbelievable, and exciting.

I’ve talked, read, thought, and dreamed about losing weight since I was a teenager. I’m well-versed in the theory. Set goals, take it day by day. But never until now have I been successful at putting that into practice.

Always, I’ve had a “want it now” mentality. If I can’t achieve it in a day or two, I tend not to do it. I am capable of doing many things in a few days, but losing over a hundred pounds is not one of them.

Even though I knew all this, knew that weight loss was a commitment and wouldn’t happen overnight, I still burned myself out on lose-weight-quick diets and gave up whenever I stumbled. I never had the long-range view necessary for success.

Then I was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and told I would need to have a defibrillator implanted in my chest to protect me from heart attacks. It was a horrible way to achieve clarity, but that’s what happened. I saw that if I didn’t change my life, I couldn’t be healthy. In that moment, worries about being unable to achieve my goals in a day vanished. Instead of focusing on where I wasn’t, I focused on making healthy changes every day. And step by step, I gained stamina, lost weight, and ultimately didn’t need the implant.

It wasn’t–and isn’t–easy. Without that change in perspective, everything I’ve achieved this year would have been impossible. And now that I’ve achieved the goal of avoiding the defibrillator, I’m in danger of thinking I’m “done”.

The fact is, I will never be “done”. I will have to make healthy decisions every day for the rest of my life. And I choose to do so. I choose to be healthy, I choose to be my ideal weight, I choose to feel good and look good and be happy.

Part of taking a long-range view is allowing indulgences and moving forward thereafter. I’ve learned to forgive myself this year.

The holidays have been a big stumbling block. I did very well on Thanksgiving, but the days after were full of leftovers and lost resolve. Christmastime came, and with it countless goodies. Each day I chose enjoying food over staying within my Weight Watchers Points limit.

Now that the holidays, and 2008, are over, I am rededicating myself to my health. I’m forgiving myself and moving forward.

A year ago I never would have thought I could lose 50 pounds. This year I can say I’ve done it, and I’ll do it again, and half again.

And when I get to 138 pounds at the end of this year, I’ll look back on 2009 with pride, and look forward to further health and happiness in 2010–whether that means maintaining 138 or losing a little more.

I proved in 2008 that I can do the things I put my mind to. So my resolution is this: to continue.

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EVERYTHING! HA HA HA HA

So my brother occasionally makes Christmas albums featuring his sons singing. They are my favorite things in the world. During the bridge of a rousing rendition of Jolly Old Saint Nicholas, my nephew Connor lists off what he wants for Christmas. Following an exhaustive litany of items, he proclaims, “EVERYTHING! HA HA HA HA.”

Today I got the idea to clip out that part of the song and post it to my webspace. Then, whenever I’m annoyed at life, I can simply tweet, “Know what I hate?”–and post the link to that mp3.

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The holidays are here

When Halloween comes around here in Augusta, it always seems too early. The weather has only barely cooled off, and the leaves haven’t really changed. A few weeks into November it finally, belatedly feels like Halloween, with crisp morning air, bright colorful leaves, fog rolling in across the river and Canal, and a few ghostly bare branches. But then it’s already time for Thanksgiving.

This year’s Thanksgiving was quite late in the month, making the transition a little easier. By the time it got here, I was ready for it.

Like last year, I decided to host. This time, I cooked everything. Cheryl is now living in Augusta again and was able to come, but she just had neck surgery and couldn’t move much. I told her to just come and not worry about anything else…not even to worry about being able to eat. I didn’t want her to feel guilty or obligated to do anything.

I worked out my menu well in advance. I studied Better Homes & Gardens’ turkey roasting guide for the bird. The side dishes all came from my 501 Delicious Heart Healthy Recipes cookbook. I made Green Beans with Caramelized Onions, which was said to be a good substitute for green bean casserole; Broccoli with Caraway Cheese Sauce; and Garlic Roasted Potatoes, a recipe I’ve used before. I also got my dessert from that book: Pear Almond Crumble, served with frozen yogurt and caramel sauce.

I started cooking at around 2 o’clock, getting all my ingredients out and arranging them by recipe and prepping and stuffing the turkey ad getting it into the oven. While I cooked I watched a couple Thanksgiving episodes of Friends, which was a great way to get into the mood. I also set up my laptop in the kitchen and did AIM video chat with Mom, so I could see everyone arriving in Kentucky and ask Mom for cooking tips. It was really neat, but it seemed to lock up the computer a lot, and I’m not really sure why.

As dinnertime neared, I realized I was running a little behind, but Cheryl and Reid ended up arriving an hour late, so it worked out. I held off on the cheese sauce and carving the turkey until they arrived; everything else was ready to go.

I’m pretty sure this was my first time roasting a turkey. Mom was really helpful with advice about the pan and setting the bird on onions since I didn’t have a rack. And I think it turned out great! I am pretty proud of myself.

I am also really happy with the side dishes. The green beans and broccoli were delicious, and the potatoes turned out fine too. The only thing I was unhappy with were the rolls; they didn’t rise properly. But they still tasted all right.

After dinner we relaxed in the living room for awhile, and I cleaned up a bit, until we were ready for dessert. I had put the pan in the oven right when we started dinner, but we ended up letting it stand for awhile while the food settled. Finally I spooned proper portions into bowls and added a scoop of vanilla frozen yogurt and a drizzle of caramel. It was delicious–and only 4 points!

By using heart healthy recipes and only eating a small breakfast and lunch, I was able to enjoy Thanksgiving within my points range. I am pretty proud of that accomplishment, too.

While we ate dessert, Reid and I played Wii Sports. He ended up getting really good at bowling! Unfortunately his shoulder started hurting, so we had to quit. At that point we went ahead and made Miis for Reid and Cheryl so they can both play when they come over. It’s near to see them in the games when I play now :)

Finally the evening was over. We all hugged and they headed home. I felt very happy with how the day had gone.

I was pretty worn out, and my lower back was sore, but I worked away at the kitchen little by little until everything was cleaned up and put away. It was such a good feeling to get up the next morning and walk into a spotless kitchen.

The day after Thanksgiving wasn’t traditional for me. Usually I spend that day eating leftovers and decorating for Christmas. This year, I relaxed, played the Wii, went out to lunch at Mi Rancho with Sean, stopped by Best Buy with Sean to get him a new mouse, went home and ordered some Ethernet cable, and finally got all dressed up and went to see the Nutcracker at the Imperial.

It was a really good performance, with gorgeous sets and costumes. I think this was my first time seeing ballet in Augusta. I was pretty impressed, especially by the special effects, though I feel the Lexington Ballet dancers are somewhat more precise in their movements. There were a few really talented dancers, though, especially towards the end.

A day later, I’ve still got the music in my head :)

Even though I had intended the Nutcracker performance to get me in the mood for Christmas, I’m still not quite there yet. Part of the reason is that I’m going to a Thanksgiving lunch with people from work tomorrow. Once that’s over with, I’ll be free to transition into the next holiday. Projects will be decorating my apartment and my office at work.

I originally wasn’t planning to to home to Kentucky for Christmas since I don’t have much time off, but I’ve been thinking about it and I would really be sad if I didn’t get to see my family. So what I think I’ll do is drive up after work in Christmas Eve, and drive back Sunday afternoon. I had thought about flying, but there is no direct flight from Augusta to Lexington, and hardly any direct flights from and to other airports. It’s just not worth the hassle. Plus, if I drive, I can easily bring all the presents :) This year, Sean will stay home, as he has plans to do some gaming the day after Christmas.

With that decision, I’m feeling more and more ready for my favorite holiday.

I’m also going to have a Christmas party. This year, I’ve been trying to observe all the end-of-year holidays more. I dressed up for Halloween, I roasted a Thanksgiving turkey for the first time, and now I’m going to host a Christmas cookie and gingerbread house decorating party. I’m going to invite dozens of people and let them bring their kids, and I’m going to set up decorating stations all over the apartment. It’s going to be a blast!

I’m glad I’m taking the time to really enjoy the holidays. It’s a lot of fun :)

Thanksgiving timeline

2:30: Prepare stuffing, stuff and baste turkey, begin to roast (325).

3:30: Start rolls.

3:50: Let dough rise.

5:00: Start potatoes.

5:15: Put potatoes in oven.

5:20: Punch down dough. Let rise again.

5:30: Remove aluminum foil from turkey to crisp skin.

5:45: Begin steaming green beans and making sauce on stove.

6:00: Remove turkey from oven. Form rolls and bake (375). Start on pear crisp.

6:10: Begin steaming broccoli and making sauce on stove.

6:20: Remove rolls and potatoes from oven. Bake pear crisp (375). Carve turkey. Add sauces to vegetables. Eat dinner!

7:10: Remove pear crisp from oven and put in dishes with frozen yogurt. Eat dessert!

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Fatitude

Actually, this post is about losing weight, I just thought the word “fatitude” was funny.

Check out what I looked like back in July!

And now look at me from two days ago:

Can you see the difference in my face? I sure can. Wow.

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Obese people are people too

Canada has ruled that people who require two airline seats can have them without paying extra.

The high court declined to hear an appeal by Canadian airlines of a decision by the Canadian Transportation Agency that people who are “functionally disabled by obesity” deserve to have two seats for one fare.

My friend posted to Twitter, “This is kind of ridiculous. If you’re wide enough for a second seat, you ought to pay for it.”

He doesn’t believe he’s being unfair, because he’s one of the people who might be affected by this sort of ruling. However, there is a fundamental fallacy in his argument, and that is

Obese people don’t have the same rights as people at lower weights.

If you think of each airline seat as a commodity, it seems unfair for one person to get two while others only get one for the same price. But that’s not really what’s going on here. The obese person isn’t enjoying a luxurious extra seat, with room to lounge or lie down or spread out. The obese person is simply getting enough room to actually sit down. To say that a person must pay extra for a seat because they require more room is nothing more than prejudice. Should a person in a wheelchair pay extra for the room her chair takes up?

This brings me to another fundamental fallacy. This fallacy is what breathes life into the first.

Obese people choose to be obese.

How many obese people do you know who say, “I love being obese! I wouldn’t change a thing about myself!” I doubt you know anyone who says that. No, what an obese person is more likely to say is, “I’m obese because I’m lazy and don’t eat right.”

That argument may or may not be true. I’m not trying to diminish the importance of personal responsibility for one’s health. But the fact of the matter is, our society makes it ridiculously difficult to escape obesity.

We are less active

We hardly have to walk anywhere. We drive our cars straight up to the buildings we want to enter, even if they’re right next door. There’s a negative connotation associated with walking. When you see a person walking down the street, do you think, “Oh, how healthy!” or do you think, “What a vagrant! Get a job!” Yes, there is laziness involved here. But our country’s transportation fundamentals–the way we organize how we get from place to place–are heavily skewed against healthy options.

We have evolved into car-addicts. We zone our towns so that it’s often impossible to commute by any way other than car. While large cities may have subways or buses, these seem to have a negative connotation. Smaller cities may or may not have public transportation, and certainly not enough to make switching a viable choice for most people. The “ideal” is to have your own car and drive it everywhere.

We also have an obsession with “convenience” and “efficiency”. Americans have always been about innovating in order to save time and money. It somehow seems more efficient to us to drive everywhere than use other methods of transportation. It’s certainly more convenient. We can carry more things in a car, and we can stay cool in the summer and warm in the winter. We can drive right up to wherever we’re going and be inside in a flash.

Our transportation issue has evolved into a self-feeding cycle. We drive everywhere because city planners zone commercial and residential far away from each other, because we like the convenience of driving and the “safety” of neighborhoods secluded from commerce. We can’t stop driving everywhere easily, even if we want to. It takes too long to get to places by foot or bike. It’s less safe. And we don’t have any other options, except perhaps a bus that doesn’t quite go where we need it to.

We don’t eat right

This point hardly needs to be made. Everyone knows by now that human beings are not supposed to eat as much as we eat here in America, and certainly not the types of food we eat. The majority of us are built to store fat to keep us from starving when times are rough. As many have noted, though, our cheapest food items nowadays are the ones that are the worst for us. It’s harder to eat fresh vegetables because we often don’t have time to cook, so we pick up something quick (and loaded with fat and salt) and the veggies go bad in the fridge.

Why don’t we have time to cook, if everything is supposedly so convenient? Because we don’t actually save any time doing things the way we do them. We sit in the car driving to work on the other side of town. We sit around for 8 to 12 hours trying to make more money. Instead of setting convenience as a means to an end–a healthy, joyful life–we’ve made convenience our goal.

Our relationships, just like our health, suffer because it’s inefficient to spend time working on them.

“I deserve it”

The sheer amount of time, energy, and money it would take for an obese person to work themselves down to a healthy size are the reasons more of them (us) aren’t doing it. We basically have to fight basic precepts of our society. We have to teach ourselves that convenience is not good. We have to teach ourselves that it’s okay to spend more money. We have to teach ourselves to spend less time on things we enjoy so we have more time to exercise. And all of these things run completely counter to the “pursuit of happiness” we are indoctrinated into growing up.

We’re told we can do whatever we want, whenever we want. That this is our privilege as Americans. We believe that we have a right to convenience. We have a culture of entitlement, and if things don’t go our way we feel it’s perfectly acceptable to pitch a fit. These underlying assumptions feed our quest for more, more, more, now, now, now, whether that be a faster route to school than walking or the bus, or as much food as we can scarf for the least amount of money.

We are, essentially, training ourselves to be lazy in all things–making it appealing to be selfish and miserable.

The inverse

Many of us recognize this sense of entitlement in ourselves and others and find it repulsive. We don’t want a handout, we’ll say. We don’t want special treatment. We want to be treated like everyone else.

The problem is, sometimes we go too far. We’ll state that it’s only fair that obese people pay for as many seats as they need, for example, because they shouldn’t get more of anything than anyone else. We’ll buy into a logical fallacy because we don’t want to be identified with our gluttonous society.

Obesity is not something we can turn off like a light switch. It is a fundamental problem in our society that everyone–individuals, businesses, and government–needs to work together to eliminate. But while we’re working on it, the fact of the matter is, people are going to be obese.

Obese people are people too

Giving a person a chair that is the right size is not special treatment. It is not saying, “You are entitled to be obese.” It is saying, “I want you to be just as comfortable as everyone else.”

Marginalizing people due to their size ignores the fact that obesity, for many people, is not a choice. Poor education, societal pressures, convenience and “efficiency”, genes, the slow death of the community, and factors we may not even be aware of yet have all combined to thrust Americans into an unhappy, unhealthy world. We can no longer simply blame the fat guy for being fat. We have to take a hard look at everything we do as a society.

We need to educate. We need to reform our transportation system. We need to offer more healthy options. We need to put an emphasis back on communities, on taking care of each other. We need to do all of these things and more to get ourselves back on track.

And in the meantime, we need to treat the ones who are affected most with the same dignity and respect we give everyone else. No more…and no less.

Obsess much?

Me: Did someone turn my light back on when I was in the webinar?

Jeff: You worry about the tiniest things.

Me: Yeah, I know.

Jeff: I think you turned the light back on, then forgot about it.

Me: …you could be right.

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Thoughtdump

Twitter is performing database maintenance. How am I supposed to regale you with snippets of useless information about my day?

Oh, that’s right, I have a blog.

I’m in that discontented mood that I seem to get a lot. Usually I need to make some sort of proactive life change, or at least come up with some plans to do so, in order to shake the mood. Unfortunately, one change I had wanted to make has been vetoed–I had hoped to set up a treadmill at my work station, but the higher-ups don’t like the idea. I don’t know if they thought I wanted to jog, and get all sweaty, or what. All I really wanted was to stay moving, at 1 mph or less, rather than sitting all day. I’m considering asking if I can just raise my desk so that I stand all day instead. We’ll see.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my poor blog, and how I keep neglecting it. I think I want to give myself writing assignments and stick to a posting schedule, at least for awhile. I also want to get better about reading more.

A big problem is that I don’t want to spend a lot of time sitting around–which of course is why I wanted a treadmill at work. So I am thinking about ways I can incorporate exercise into the typically stationary activities I do at home.

Sean’s been wanting to move our computers into the second bedroom (which is what I wanted from the beginning, but whatever ;>), so I’m thinking about what I could do in there. Maybe a treadmill desk; maybe a desk that can be used with my bike on its stand; maybe something that can do both.

These days, when I get home I don’t feel like doing anything productive. I’ll get online and read a few things or watch TV until bedtime. I think having a regular desk instead of using the coffee table would help. You have to kind of settle in to really work on a computer, and leaning over from the couch or sitting on the floor kind of precludes that. So hopefully the move to the second bedroom will help too.

A friend mentioned yesterday that someone he knows has lost weight by making small changes, like not sitting down when he watches TV. I have used the Free Step on the Wii Fit while watching TV before, so I think I’ll try to keep doing that. (Unfortunately it maxes out at 30 minutes, at which point I have to change input back to the Wii and turn it off or start it over.)

I’m hoping I can get to the point where some sort of activity is built into everything I do…and I’m hoping that that will give me the energy to do even more things. I’m always talking about being tired of being in a rut, but I never seem to actually try to get out of it. Part of it is a lack of motivation, part of it is not having the right tools, and part of it is just not being sure of what I want to do. I can at least solve that last problem by thinking about it, by going ahead and trying different things and seeing what sticks.

Another thing I really want to do is find and stick to a good calendar/project organization system. I want to be able to track what I’m doing and what I need to do, to pat myself on the back and keep myself on track. I want to accomplish things that take longer than a day.

Here’s hoping I can figure something out about all this.

An explanation of my mood

Some of you might have been a little concerned by my tweets a little earlier in the evening. Thought I’d give you an explanation.

Tonight was Brooke’s last night in town, and we met up downtown for First Friday. That sentence makes it sound a lot easier than it actually was. I found a parking space and called her, and she had parked on the other side of downtown, so I moved my car and then walked, and then decided I didn’t like where I’d parked the second time so I walked back and moved it again, and finally headed down to the area of Elduets Treasures of the World, where Brooke had met up with Mari.

The whole time I was walking up there, all I could think of was how socially crippled I am. I did not want to be there. A few times I was on the verge of tears and I didn’t know why. I felt stupid and uncool and overwhelmed.

I think a big part of it was that I’d had a long day and a long week and didn’t really have the energy for a night out. Usually when I go out at night I need to be rested. I’m the type who spends all her energy on preparing and then is totally worthless at the actual event. So it probably wasn’t a good idea to try to go, really.

I was also a little disappointed that we weren’t doing what we’d originally planned, which was something far more my speed: sitting at home watching anime. And that made me feel even more like a loser–if I was a regular person, I’d be fine with going out on a Friday night and enjoying all the happenings downtown.

So all of that made me keep thinking more and more depressive, self-pitying thoughts.

I felt a bit better after having a chili dog. I probably shouldn’t have eaten it, but it was comforting (and delicious).

Brooke and I are actually on the phone right now talking about how the night didn’t work out the way we wanted. She’s going back to England tomorrow, but she’ll be back in five weeks, so we’re both looking forward to that.

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NaNoWriMo?

The other day Hai asked me if I’m doing NaNoWriMo this year.

“Hadn’t even thought about it,” I responded.

Hai’s first response was an emoticon: =O

Then, “Don’t you do it every year?” he asked.

“No,” I responded. “I think I tried once or twice.”

It was twice. The first time, in 2004, I actually did pretty well, writing at least one scene every day for the first third of the month. Then the story sort of fizzled out and died. I couldn’t figure out where to go next, so I gave up. The second time was right after the fire in 2005. While the idea I had was actually pretty interesting, and I still think about it now and then, I was too emotionally drained from losing everything and trying to deal with living with the in-laws to write.

I was cavalier about the topic with Hai, partly because I was busy at the time we were talking, but also because it hurts to think about how writing has been gradually disappearing from my life. Ever since I left school, then the AMRN, I’ve had less and less drive to write creatively. No deadlines, no one to read and review. No expectations. And now even my blog has dried up–Twitter allows me to be lazy and not craft long pieces anymore.

I’ve talked about giving up writing before, but the truth is I don’t really want to. It would be a waste. I don’t want to be the personification of lost opportunity. There are so many things I’m good at, but I don’t work nearly hard enough to hone any of my skills. It both feeds and is fed by my lack of direction: I can’t pick one, so I don’t do any of them.

It has to stop. I need a kick in the pants.

Maybe NaNoWriMo would be a good start.

I’ve been thinking about a story involving my two favorite AMRN characters, Celia Mazarin and Natalie “Byron” Ryan. Originally I’d planned to make it a webcomic, but I’ve always written in story form. If I could just finish the story, I could always reimagine it as a comic later.

NaNoWriMo begins one week from today.

I think I’ll do it.

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