Category: general

This letter was not written by me, but you may pretend it was.

Dear friend,

Congress is about to vote on amending the U.S. Constitution to deny marriage equality to same-sex couples.

Never before has our Constitution been amended to take away anyone’s rights. Yet our Senators will vote on this amendment in the next 48 hours.

It’s urgent that we speak up now. This hateful divisiveness has no place in America. Please join me in saying so, at:

http://www.moveon.org/unitednotdivided/

Equality in marriage is the civil rights issue of our generation. We can’t let anyone, or any group, be singled out for discrimination based on who they are or who they love.

Thank you.

…BUT it seems to feel better after I’ve been at work for awhile. The answer? It’s gotta be the chair.

I sit in a pretty nice chair at work. It’s not an Aeron by any means, but it’s no slouch, either. It’s comfortable and supportive, and I’m positive that’s what’s soothing my poor back.

But then I come home and sit in a metal folding chair at the computer, or stretch out on a futon. Bleh.

We have a La-Z-Boy too, but it’s never done much for me in terms of support. And Dad’s old loveseat isn’t all that comfortable.

So really, we have nothing worth sitting or lying on anywhere in this apartment.

Most times, I’m okay, but when I have a sore back, I think it drags on far longer than it has to because of my apartment’s lack of ergonomics.

I didn’t work out this morning; I decided last night that my back needed a total break, and I was really tired anyway so I set the alarm for 6 instead of 5. I didn’t want to get up even then, but I managed it, somehow wrestled into my clothes (everything is such a chore when your back hurts too much to move), and headed off for work, stopping to get a McDonald’s breakfast on the way.

Now I’m eating an exorbitantly expensive deli sandwich and drinking a smoothie.

Work was fine today, although the latter half was spent in something of a daze. I felt really out of it. I spent quite a bit of time wrestling with Windows XP, to no avail. It’ll be a miracle if I can get a printer installed…

My back fucking hurts.

I didn’t make Sean’s lunch…ended up distracting myself with webcomics. I took a Slim-Fast and a coffee cup out to the car, then remembered about the desk and ran back upstairs to get my racheted screwdriver, my hammer, and my measuring tape (just in case).

Got to work and finished up the desk, did other workly things. Was pretty busy all day until my relief came in at 3. I decided to stay until 4 and put my new computer together on the desk.

The keyboard tray won’t stay in. I remember having similar problems with this desk (it’s the same desk), but somehow it’s worse at the office, so much so that I’ve just put the keyboard and mouse up top and left the tray off.

The computer came pre-loaded with all kinds of useless software like Real Player and AOL. I removed all the junk, then fiddled with the settings to make it look as close to Windows 2000 “Classic” as possible. Then I went to Sushicam to grab some wallpapers, as the defaults were horribly grainy and not all that nice to begin with. I messed with the IE settings and favorites, too, but I didn’t get too far into it because I’m just going to port over my Favorites from the other computer, as soon as it’s time for me to switch. (This week I’m staying at the Dispatch station because, well, I’ll be doing Dispatch ;P)

New desk, new computer…everything seems dandy. I am worried about one thing, though…Tammy works in that area of the office when she comes in in the morning, and that’s also Robert’s side. I fear the messes that may ensue :/ (And I may never see my pens again…)

Just in case you were curious, I did end up having ice cream last night: a chocolate chip cookie dough Blizzard.

1 lap around complex with handweights

5 minutes on stairclimber

60 (+10) crunches

20 knees to elbows

40 (+10) each side lats

40 (+10) each side obliques

15 back raises (stopped before the point of discomfort)

30 each side outside inner thigh raises

30 each side inside inner thigh raises

40 (+10) each side side leg raises

20 scissor kicks

20 each side kneeling leg lifts (glutes)

20 calf raises

I did lots of stretching before, during, and after the workout.

When I got up this morning, my back was really sore. I was sort of concerned as to whether or not I should work out. But it feels better now–still sore, but I didn’t work it too hard, and I think stretching it out by doing the other exercises helped a little.

I’m looking forward to going to work. I want to be on the ball the minute I go in, because I seem to get the most done–or at least, my focus is the best–when I’m alone in the office. (I could really use my own office, but hell, I could use a million dollars too…)

Today I will be concerned with trying to schedule my vacation time. Tomorrow I will be busy getting ready for Brooke’s graduation. Sometime during the rest of the week, I’ll call the endocrinologist and set up an appointment, hopefully for next week. Unfortunately, the one my friend Will suggested to me isn’t in “the book”, so I’ll be using the one that the gyn I went to recommended.

Time to see about breakfast, and make a lunch for Sean.

Lately I’ve been feeling really restless…sort of unhappy with how things are, and wanting to change and improve them. Most notably, I’ve been obsessing over the living room and the master bedroom, and ways in which I could rearrange them.

So finally today I did rearrange the bedroom. I moved my old desk over to the window, and put Lan Box on it. Sean’s TV will also go there, so we can watch fansubs in bed.

Where my desk used to be, I put my dresser, with the shelves that used to be on top of the desk. I then nested the two gold and glass tables and set them between the dresser and my side of the bed.

My hope chest went where the dresser used to be, and my little sock and underwear chest stayed pretty much where it was, next to the hope chest.

Sean got to keep his bedside table, which I was originally thinking of using to hold the TV. I left my hamper where it was, too.

I’m not sure why I got the itch to rearrange, but I think part of it is probably because of work. Robert bought a desk just like my new one here at home–and it is way too big for our office. Anyway, I spent Friday putting it together…wound up working eight hours with no breaks, and didn’t even get done. Plus, I’m worried about how we’re going to make it fit into the office…right now we have the table that was along the back wall sticking out diagonally to keep it out of the way.

So that’s probably what it is…knowing that there’s a big project that I didn’t finish at work, overlapping with my home life.

I went biking with the gang yesterday. I stayed in fifth gear and chugged along mightily. There’s a point just before (or just after, can’t quite remember) the concrete tunnel on the trail where the incline seems to be too much for me lately, and I have to stop and walk for several feet. It happened again this time, but it wasn’t too bad. After that, I didn’t stop at all until the end of the trail.

Mari had set us a goal: to get to the end of the trail without stopping by the end of August. I decided that I would go ahead and try to get as far as I could without stopping. So making it that far, with only the one brief walking bit, made me feel good; it was a nice accomplishment. Of course, this means that I have to perform similarly from now on, or the whole thing will have been pointless…

I didn’t do my workout on Friday, and I’ve been trying to rest my back this weekend (other than, I guess, the furniture-moving), but it’s still sore. I think it feels a little better now than it did earlier in the day, though.

I organized my desk today, too, and did up some paperwork that’s been needing to go out. I also reorganized my email; I deleted a bunch of junk and created some new folders so that I’ll know what I’m doing more easily. Typically I just leave everything that’s “pending” in the Inbox; this has started to stress me out, so I made some new folders similar to the ones I have at work: Awaiting Reply/Info, Deferred, and Done. Done has several subfolders depending on what type of stuff it is (job, FlyLady, AMRN, etc.).

Part of this wanting to get organized comes from the fact that I’m reading David Allen’s Getting Things Done (yes, again; I borrowed it from Robert for a second time, and this time I will actually read it, damn it). There’s some good information in there that I hope to apply to pretty much all the facets of my life…but it’ll take awhile, I think :X

I did finish up Hikaru no Go the other day (I guess it was Friday). The ending is good, but it leaves me wanting more, of course. There was more manga, but even it leaves me wanting more. There isn’t really much of a resolution to anything. And I’m unhappy with Sai’s SPOILERdisappearanceSPOILER, but we all already knew that ;P

Brooke said last night that she could tell a difference from my working out, in my face and midsection. That was sort of a relief to hear, because honestly I can’t tell anything, except that maybe my pants are a little looser. I dunno.

I want ice cream…

This is a hoot. I guess Koizumi figures if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.

Kill me. Kill me now.

I guess it’s at least drawn by a Japanese person. I think.

Princess Ai is a mind-bending trip co-created by alt-rock goddess Courtney Love and featuring some of the most cutting-edge manga art in Japan, including chara designs by famed manga-ka Yazawa Ai.

Damn, Tokyopop is so cool. “Chara designs.” Yes, we are far too hip to use real words.

And apparently Courtney Love is a goddess. I never knew that.

Princess Ai is co-created by DJ Milky, who likes to eat ramen late at night and bananas for breakfast. Addicted to digital and analog fusion, Milky is in a constant state of flux and irk. Life’s one reward comes in the form of making stories, music, and lately shooting DV. Milky has composed a few songs for TOKYOPOP including School’s in Session (GTO), Initialize (Initial D), and Worthy of Your Soul (Reign), as well as writing Karma Club and two upcoming Stray Sheep books. Milky is currently in development on two manga projects as well as staring intently into the vortex.

Well, at least we know that the vortex is in safe hands.

(I assume “DV” means something like music videos, though I’m really not sure. It sounds an awful lot like a drug, though, given the context :>)

Well, mostly.

Somehow, I misunderstood something somewhere along the way.

Apparently the period I had was a fluke.

In order to keep having periods, I need to take some sort of hormone supplements. I can take them as prescribed by the gyn, or I can go to an endocrinologist and make sure I’m on the right hormone therapy to make it so I can become pregnant someday.

Either way, I should not do nothing, because my uteran wall needs to shed for me to remain healthy.

So, to recap:

I cannot possibly be pregnant at this time.

I need to see the endocrinologist.

I didn’t realize that these three were all being released here. I discovered them while searching for scanslations of Prince of Tennis! So, of course I added all the available releases to my Amazon Wish List. And, just to be safe, I added a link to my Wish List to this site.

You know, just in case of emergency gift-buying.

I’m not actually working out today, at least not this morning. My lower back is sort of achey, and I think it needs a little rest.

I am hopefully going biking with “the gang” tonight, though :) Chris and I didn’t make it out to ride last night. (I also haven’t been playing tennis for awhile…it’s been kinda hot…)

Today I work from 11 to 3, so I’m still at home in my nightgown. I’m going to call the gyn here in a bit and ask him what he thinks of my situation. If he says I need to come in and have bloodwork done, then I’ll schedule something for next week I guess…though that’ll be harder since I’m working 8 hour shifts next week. I should have taken that into consideration :P

Anyway, I’ll talk to the gyn and then talk to Robert about it.

I get my new desk and new computer today, and I get to assemble both. So, no dressing up for me today. Jeans and a t-shirt will do :>

I’m not sure what desk Robert will have ended up getting for me. Hopefully it’s a good one with workspace…I wish it would have a file drawer, but I’m afraid it probably won’t :/ I’d really rather not keep all the files I use over in the Dispatch desk, because I’d have to crawl past the dispatcher whenever I needed something :P

We’ll see.

I’m listening to Hikaru no Go music right now. Good stuff. I haven’t watched any more episodes yet, but I probably will soon, either tonight or this weekend.

The music from that show is phenomenal.

Well, anyway, that’s about it. I feel like I have something else to say, but I’m probably just nervous about calling the gyn. I’m going to get to work on writing out what I need to ask, so I don’t forget anything.

Doing all right. Work was fine. Robert ordered a new computer from Dell for me, and after work I went to look for a new desk. Hopefully we’ll have something set up by Friday when the computer arrives, but I didn’t see anything particularly good when I browsed Office Max, Office Depot, Target, and Staples. I even went to a new furniture store called Ashley, but that place is way too expensive/ritzy for us :> There was one desk at Staples that had pretty much all the features I was after, but it ended up being too much. There was one at I think Office Max that was okay, and Robert is going to go buy it tonight so I can put it together tomorrow.

After driving around looking at desks, I went home and watched a bunch of Hikaru no Go (eps 50 through 59). It’s getting nearer and nearer…Sai’s disappearance.

Every episode is bittersweet now, especially with Sai’s own realization. Why don’t you tell him? Tell him, Sai! But I know what Sai is thinking. He thinks Hikaru won’t believe him. He tried to tell him before, after all.

You didn’t try hard enough, Sai.

He’s too bitter now to make the effort. He’s too envious of Hikaru’s future. He’s too upset and depressed and mortified that he won’t be the one to reach the Hand of God.

But even as he’s feeling all these things, he’s feeling bad for being so selfish. He hates himself for how he’s feeling. He doesn’t want to disappear, to pass on, to lose his chance to play more go…to leave Hikaru. But he wants Hikaru to go forward, to show his strength to the world. He’s so filled with pride and admiration of Hikaru; it’s just that he’s too blinded by the immediacy of his own situation to feel it unselfishly. By the time he realizes his true feelings–that he’s proud to have been such a big step towards the Hand of God, to have sent the amazingly gifted Hikaru on to find the Hand of God with his rival, Touya Akira–it’s too late. And Hikaru doesn’t hear him say goodbye…

I always think, when I start to rewatch this series, that I’ll stop before Sai disappears. That way I won’t have to remember that he’s gone, that he won’t be there to smile demurely, to astonish with his brilliant play…to whine at Hikaru to let him play more go, to gaze wide-eyed at the modern world and then smile and think, “Everything is now as it was then.”

And I won’t have to watch as Hikaru realizes he is the only one who truly knew Sai, even if Touya realized that somehow Sai was inside Hikaru. I don’t have to see that Sai’s memory is gone, not even recorded in the history books. I don’t have to see that his existence, while serving the noble purpose of setting Hikaru out into the world of go, ultimately ended, his name erased and covered by those of others. His true name–part of it–was known to those who saw him play on the Internet, but even if they remember to their deaths the undefeated genius Sai, once they are gone–once Hikaru is gone–Sai will be gone.

Forever.

I think those things every time…but somehow I am never able to stop watching.

It sucks you in, that show. Too many great battles, too many gasps of shock and discovery, and suddenly Sai is sighing in the background, wondering when he’ll get to play again, and then you know it’s coming…but then Hikaru’s playing Touya-meijin, so you can’t stop watching now, and then Sai makes his move of ultimate selfishness…and after that you have to watch to see the resolution, the forgiveness on both sides, and before you know it you’re in too deep.

And then, after Sai’s gone, you have to keep watching…because you have to see Hikaru find Sai in his go. It’s all you have left. And while you wait for that moment, you endure with Hikaru the excruciating pain of Sai’s loss–you feel it with him, and in Hiroshima, when Hikaru spins around after that fast game of go and grins, How was that, Sai?, only to find no one there but a local, wondering why Hikaru’s staring at him…you think that’s perfectly natural, and the shock of Sai not being there hits you just as hard as it hits Hikaru.

Sai!

You haven’t found the Hand of God yet!

Touya Kouyou is still waiting for you!

The entire go world is waiting!

But the one they’ll all eventually meet…the one on his way to the Hand of God…is Shindou Hikaru.

I wish it was Sai.

Fujiwarano Sai…you live in on Hikaru, in Hikaru’s go, and in the go of every player who will come up against Hikaru…but you live on anonymously. Your name will not be written down; records of your games won’t be stored at the Institute. This is the pale existence, the existence you hated, projected into the future. You had no body then, and you have no existence now…nor will you ever.

God’s punishment for taking your own life?

Punishment for your treatment of Torajirou…Honinbou Shuusaku?

And yet could a kinder person, a man with a stronger sense of fair play, a wiser teacher than you exist?

Did Torajirou’s kindness live on in you? Were you young, selfish, immature before you inhabited him? When he died, is that what changed you into the noble person you were when you met Hikaru?

Was the change too late for God’s liking?

You seemed to accept your fate at the end…but then you couldn’t even say goodbye. Not until much later, and then you couldn’t even speak. You smiled, passed your fan on to Hikaru, and disappeared again. Was that even really you? Did Hikaru conjure you out of his own need to see you again?

You had your chance to play go as much as you liked, in the brief span of Torajirou’s life. Then, as Hikaru grew, your time to play was limited, almost nonexistent. Go was the reason your spirit remained on Earth…and you still wanted to play, many more games. That never changed.

What did change was your understanding of Hikaru’s abilities, and your eventual acceptance that he would walk down the path to the Hand of God…

…and so in return for this revelation, this growth of character, this moment of truth, when you realized that you had been brought to this time and place to show Hikaru that game with Touya-meijin, to raise him up to the level of understanding it…

In return for fulfilling your obligation, and for finally understanding what you were still there for…you were forced to leave.

Sai!

What a long and tragic existence you have led. The people you have loved and respected…died before you, or will go on without you. You pass into whatever afterlife awaits you without truly finishing your first life–a right you willfully gave up when you drowned yourself. But even your spectral existence was incomplete, leaving not only you but everyone you touched unsatisfied. And yet you were forced to pass on.

Sai. Wherever you are, I hope…you get to play a lot of go.

Ugh.

Last night I seemed to pull a muscle in my back, above my right hip. I took some Advil and was able to sleep. This morning it wasn’t as painful, but I could still feel it.

I didn’t feel like leaving the apartment, so I stayed in and did my usual crunches, wuss-pushups and leg lifts, plus the calf raises I’ve been forgetting to do. No stairclimber or treadmill in here, though. Oh well.

I really don’t feel all that good today. Hopefully work won’t be too stressful.

Sometimes I don’t write what I’m thinking here. Part of it is because I’m afraid that when whatever it is I’m thinking of doesn’t come to fruition, I’ll look stupid, or whiny, or overemotional. And part of it is because I have a weird superstition that if I talk about something, it won’t come true. That’s why, for the past week or so, I didn’t post anything about thinking I was pregnant, though I did post oblique clues. I finally did post that I had taken the pregnancy test…but by then it was out of desperation. I couldn’t find the answer I wanted on my own, so I was waiting for someone out there to give me hope, by agreeing that the hormone levels might not be right to make a home test register as positive, or that my symptoms seemed like those of a pregnancy, or that yes, I should have had another period by now, even though I hadn’t had one in five years until May and there’s no particular reason they should all of a sudden be regular now.

That affirmation didn’t come, but I didn’t know that when I decided to finally tell Sean.

I figured he would think I was stupid for taking a pregnancy test. I figured he would think that there’s no way I could get pregnant without the help of an endocrinologist.

I figured right, but he didn’t ridicule me. He does love me, after all.

I told him how I’d been having feelings of nausea, how I’d been tired, and how my period is three weeks late. I told him I took a test and it was negative.

“Well, that’s to be expected,” he said.

Surely he didn’t understand, I thought. Just because a doctor says something doesn’t mean it’s true. Medicine is built on best-guesses. “So…I just wanted to ask how long you think we should wait before asking the doctor about it.”

“About what? If you’re pregnant?” His voice had a note of disbelief in it.

“Or whatever, about why I haven’t had another period,” I said.

“We know why that is, though.”

I blinked. “No, we don’t.”

Sean had that patient look on his face. “The doctor said your system is messed up.”

“But–” Why did I have a period then?

He seemed to anticipate the question. “That period you had was a fluke. It won’t happen again.”

Now I was irritated. “He never said that. He never said anything about my periods stopping.”

Sean wrapped his arms around me. “I think you should go to the endocrinologist so you can see why the doctor wanted you to go there. You can have a test if you want. If you’re pregnant now, that’s fine, but I don’t think that’s what it is.”

“But I’ve been nauseated,” I repeated. “Today I really almost threw up.” It was true; I heaved over the toilet for quite some time, though nothing came of it.

“Stephen threw up a lot last week,” Sean said, as if that settled everything. How some guy out West vomiting had anything to do with me, I couldn’t quite see. I think the gist was ‘people get sick’. But not me…I don’t throw up. I just don’t. I don’t feel nauseated like this. “It could be the heat,” Sean continued. “This heat’ll make you nauseous.”

“Yeah, I guess,” I said, nodding, but not believing a word of it. I’ve been mildly nauseated from workouts and heat before. This is different. This is me, sitting calmly in a chair under a fan in the air conditioning, feeling like I’m going to wretch out my guts.

But I can’t prove that it’s different, can I? What if it’s only different psychosomatically?

And what if it’s allergies, like my coworker said?

I tried to get at least partially back on track. “So…you want me to have an appointment with the endocrinologist.”

He chuckled and hugged me again. “If you want to.” After a beat, he added, “But I don’t want you to start treatments now.”

“I know you don’t,” I said. “I don’t want to start them now either.”

That was basically true. If I got pregnant now, naturally, without treatments, I would be ecstatic. But financially, I would choose to wait. Though not long. I don’t want to wait long. I want to have a child while I’m still in my twenties.

“Okay,” he said.

I hugged him and said, “I wish doctors would give you stuff in writing. You know, a nice letter that explains exactly how it is, instead of having a nurse tell you vaguely over the phone.” He sort of chuckled, and that was pretty much the end of that.

I wish it would just happen. I wish I was pregnant right now. I’m sort of scared that if we try to schedule it, it’ll never get done.

We are both so disorganized. Our lease expired last month and we didn’t know it until one of the office girls showed up today to see if we’d moved out. Sean has a sort of “Whatever happens, happens” attitude towards life, and he expects all service providers to give him adequate notice of anything pressing. I don’t do the bills, so it wasn’t my jurisdiction anyway.

Maybe people like us don’t have any business having kids…but I’m working at improving myself. I think being a parent is the most important and difficult and rewarding work there is, and I want to rise to that challenge. I’ve looked forward to it my whole life.

So, here I am, still thinking I’m pregnant despite the negative test, just sort of waiting and wondering.

One disturbing thought I’ve also been having…if I’m not pregnant, and I’m just not going to have any more periods…what would that mean? Would that change anything?

It’s about bedtime, but I think I’ll watch some Hikaru no Go before I go (though I’ve been all choked up and sobbing at silly parts–sometimes with joy, sometimes with sorrow, but all mostly because I love Sai, I think he’s one of the best characters in any show ever, and I miss him terribly).