Diary – Page 19 – p i x e l s c r i b b l e s

Ready to go

All my pre-op tests and clearances are out of the way, and my weight loss surgery date is set. Due to various privacy concerns, I won’t get into exactly when and where I’m having it done, but I at least wanted to let you know things were moving along quickly.

Now that I’m to this stage, the excitement has been shifting to nervousness. I’m thinking about all the arrangements I need to make beforehand and all the immediate changes there will be to my lifestyle. Last night I dreamed I went to the surgery location only to discover I was completely unprepared, and while I was considering going back home to prep, my car was stolen out from under my nose. Pretty obvious dream symbolism, eh?

But despite my nervousness, “cold feet” or whatever you might want to call the feeling you get before a major life change, I know this is the best thing I can do for myself and my family. I’ll live longer. I’ll be able to do more. I’ll have more energy. It’s going to be awesome.

So I’ll allow myself to be a little scared, for now, as I say goodbye to my former self. Very soon I’ll have the help I need to become even better than I already am. ;)

Plans

All that’s left for my prescreening for weight loss surgery is an echocardiogram (a stress echo was deemed unnecessary), which I’ll have on Monday. Then, once all test results are in to the surgeon, the date will be set and I’ll be off to change my life!

I’ve been thinking about plans, both short term and long. In the long term, I’m looking forward to all the things I’ll be able to do, or do more easily, once I’m no longer obese. I can’t assume I’ll ever get down to an ideal weight; I’ll probably still be a little overweight once I’m done losing. But I should get close, like to 140 or so. That will give me the freedom to wear more clothes styles, to feel better about myself in a swimsuit, and to do things like go horseback riding and on zipline adventures. I expect I’ll have even better endurance for hiking, which will be awesome, because I love exploring the outdoors. And without all the extra weight to stress my joints, I should be able to run again, and hopefully faster and for a longer period of time than an hour. Maybe I’ll even break a half an hour 5K, which back at the peak of my running seemed like an impossible dream.

I’m sure people judge me, consciously or subconsciously, for being obese. Once I’m down to a more reasonable weight, I expect I’ll do better in face-to-face interviews. I’ll also have more self-confidence…but I haven’t been sitting around waiting for weight loss to give me that. I’ve learned a lot in the past several years about personal interactions, and I think I’ve done pretty well. Losing the weight will just give me an extra advantage.

One of my dreams is to travel more, and once I’ve lost weight, I’ll be more physically able to handle a lot of travel. My back and knees won’t suffer from long walks through new cities, and I’ll have so much more energy.

There’s also the hope and promise of motherhood. It’s possible, though a long shot, that losing weight will help me to become pregnant. But even if not, once this is done, I will be healthy enough to raise a child. If we can’t conceive naturally, Sean and I plan to adopt.

The weight loss will help my health in other ways. It should stop the pseudotumor cerebri, the intracranial pressure behind my eyes that is threatening to blind me. My sleep apnea should end. My heart should do a lot better without the extra strain of carrying so much weight all the time. The changes to my diet and nutrient absoption will help my blood pressure and cholesterol.

Some of the health changes will happen fast. The rest of these dreams (and more) lie waiting for me about two years from now, after I’ve had the surgery and gone through the rapid weight loss that follows. I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me to get there.

First will be the actual surgery itself. It’s laparoscopic, meaning they go in using long, skinny surgical implements rather than cutting you completely open. With this kind of surgery, recovery time is much shorter…but that doesn’t mean it’ll be a cakewalk. I’ll still be in pain and discomfort for a couple weeks afterward.

I’ll also have the immediate change in my digestive system to deal with. My stomach will be reduced to a tiny pouch, so I won’t be able to eat much at all. I’ll have to switch to eating a bite here and there rather than a full meal. Unlike the lap band, the duodenal switch does curb hunger, but it will still be an adjustment. It’s possible my attitude toward food will change and I won’t want to eat at all, in which case I’ll have to force myself to get the nutrients I need. The most important thing will be protein…in the beginning I’ll be eating a lot of meat. Long term, I will probably need to take a lot of vitamin pills, and I may end up drinking protein shakes too.

Just a couple days after surgery, they’ll want me to be up and walking. I know I won’t feel like it, but this will be important to my recovery and to maintaining my muscle mass. I’ll need to keep moving around during recovery and maintain a good exercise routine afterward. That will continue not just during the rapid weight loss, but for the rest of my life. My plan is to always keep walking and hiking, since I enjoy those activities, and then rotate in other activities like running or biking or a workout video when the mood hits me. I also plan to develop some sort of weight lifting routine, enough to stay toned, but not bulk up.

Finally, I’ll need to see a doctor yearly for the rest of my life to make sure everything is okay. (I see doctors at least that often already, and you should see how many pills I take daily…so this isn’t really a big deal.)

So yeah, I wasn’t kidding when I said this surgery would change my life. It’s not a quick fix or a miracle cure or magic. It’s a lot of work. But it will help me achieve a healthy weight and lifestyle, allow me to be happier and more active, and hopefully extend my life. I’m really excited for my future.

Icky

Feeling icky today, due to my (TMI)period(/TMI). Yes, it’s back. Haven’t had one since March; back then it coincided with our move to Atlanta. Mom surmises that stress sets them off, and that maybe once I’ve lost all the weight, they’ll be regular again. If the latter happens, I just hope they don’t last seven days, like they do now. Ugh.

I don’t share this just to be gross, but also because the menstrual cycle is (obviously) connected to fertility, and that’s been a big issue for me since chemotherapy damaged my ovaries. I take any change in this area as a sign of hope, though it may be folly. That’s me for ya.

Anyway, I talked with the neurologist’s office today, and it turned out they hadn’t received my fax, so I had it sent again, and they have it now. I also called the psychologist about setting up that appointment, but I had to leave a message and I haven’t heard back about that yet. I’m sort of leery of undergoing such a session during this “time of the month” (to use a wholly inaccurate euphemism), but I am in a hurry, so if that’s how it’s gotta be, that’s how it’s gotta be.

I’ve been thinking about the cardiology appointment set for Friday, and wondering how the stress echocardiogram is going to be. The last (and first, actually) time I had one, my heart was so weak they didn’t want to risk putting me on a treadmill, so they gave me medicine to simulate exercise. This time I expect I will have no problems with the treadmill :) So that will be a new experience.

Many steps down…

…and many to go.

I’ve seen my PCP and he’s agreed to send in a letter of clearance for bariatric surgery. We also completed the required labs and chest X-ray. I now have an appointment for Friday with a cardiologist to get those tests and clearance out of the way. The next step is the psychological clearance, which I should hopefully be able to knock out this week as well.

Taking charge of my health has been pretty empowering. I like the feeling of knowing what I want and how to go about getting it. Pretty cool.

Nervous

My sleep schedule has been off for quite some time. Yesterday I didn’t get out of bed until 4pm. Knowing I had a doctor’s appointment this morning, I forced myself to sleep at 11:30. This worked arguably well, except that around 5:30 or so I had a very unsettling dream that woke me up. I got out of bed and futzed around online and watched some Cheers on Netflix and organized my notes for today’s appointment.

I am hoping to knock out most, if not all, of the clearances and tests required for bariatric surgery today/this week. A lot of it will be handled with this morning’s appointment; my PCP will do a full physical and bloodwork and I’ll ask him to request some additional required tests. My neurologist has already seen me and said he will provide clearance for surgery; I’m just waiting to confirm that he has in fact done so. The main variable is a cardiologist; I don’t know if my PCP is qualified to give a cardiac evaluation and clearance, or if I’ll have a separate appointment for that (likely). I need a cardiologist here anyway, so it’ll be good to go ahead and find one.

Then I’ll do a psychological interview and (presumably) get clearance there, and all my required pre-screening will be done. Then it’ll be on to the surgery that will change my life for the better. I’m trying to get to that point as fast as I can.

Nurturing old habits

This weekend I’ve been doing a lot of chatting on IRC and AIM, something I haven’t done in years. I pretty much stopped chatting when I started working in TV news. I stopped doing a lot of things when I started working in TV news. But now that situation is over, and I can sort of feel that I’m coming back to myself in various ways. I am also trying to blog more, as you may have noticed.

I’m getting ready to have weight loss surgery, which will change my life. I can’t wait for the results, but I know it’ll be a lot of work. To that end, I’ve been thinking about healthy habits I used to enjoy, and how to re-incorporate them into my life. For a time in the 2008 era, back when I lost the mythical 50 pounds, I used Wii Fit to interject some fun and interest into my workout routine. Today I decided to revisit it, and it’s been really rather good. The yoga and strength training exercises vary in intensity enough that I can ease in and then get a pretty decent workout–at least right now. Eventually I hope to be in good enough shape that I’ll be beyond the exercises in the game.

When I got to the aerobics section, I was completely shocked to discover that the two running activities, which I had only tried once and never really cared for, are locations seen in Wii Sports Resort! I’ve been playing Resort a lot lately, especially Island Flyover, and I know that fictional island like the back of my hand now. It totally blew my mind to see The Candle and Summerstone Falls in the icons for the running activities in Wii Fit. A quick Wikipedia search informs me that Wii Fit is Wuhu Island’s original appearance. Neat!

In any case, I’m looking forward to reconnecting with old chat friends and with myself. I’m really looking forward to what my life is going to be like once I shed this excess weight, and I want to make sure I’m ready!

Anticipation

It’s Labor Day weekend, which in the past has meant three days of blissful rest and relaxation and fun. This time, though, I’m gazing ahead at three long days of nothing with impatience. The expanse of filler days stand between me and the information I need to send in for my weight loss surgery; where many people are thrilled to have Monday off, I just wish it was Tuesday already.

This surgery has been a long time coming for me. I’ve know for years I should do it, but something always held me back. I can make excuses about circumstances, but the truth is I was more afraid of making this big change to my body that would help me fix my lifestyle and health than I was afraid of all the health risks of staying obese. Now, though, I have no more time to waffle or make excuses. I’ve got to do this, for myself, for my health, for my self-confidence, for the child Sean and I may adopt someday, for all of my family. I’ve had just the kick in the pants I needed. Everything is ready.

I just have to wait for this holiday to be over so I can get some tests done and some documentation faxed.

Argh :>

Weight loss surgery

I’ve been a candidate for weight loss surgery for years, but due to various circumstances and my own reticence, I haven’t pursued it seriously until now. You’d think I might have done something about it in 2007, when I was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and sleep apnea; but I lost just enough weight on my own to help my heart recover, and I sleep with a CPAP machine, and I got used to that state of being and didn’t worry about anything else. Even when, last year, I was told I could go blind if I didn’t lose weight, I didn’t immediately begin preparations for surgery. I talked about it a lot more, sure, but I didn’t actually do anything.

Now I’ve been to another neurologist, and he was very insistent that I lose weight, that I do whatever I have to do to lose it now, because I will go blind, and I don’t want to have shunts surgically installed in my head as a stop-gap measure that probably won’t work anyway.

So I’m doing it now. I’ll be heading out of state for the procedure. I was looking into a doctor near me, but many circumstances have changed and I’ll go to a place where I’ll be surrounded by family. It could happen very soon; I should know exactly when here in the next few days.

Right now I’m working on the ten-page questionnaire the bariatric surgeon’s office sent over. It’s slow going. I’ve partially filled out paperwork like this before, so I have some of the material I need already, but I’m stumped on questions like “When did you first become obese?” and “What did you weigh 10 years ago?”

I’ve kept track of my weight in various ways since the mid 2000’s–I didn’t have a scale until 2004–but the time before that is virtually a blank. I didn’t really start my blog until 2002, and I didn’t talk about my weight in the beginning. Back then, there were no smartphones with apps to track personal data; I didn’t even have a cell phone. Any paper records I might have had were destroyed in the apartment fire in 2005. I do know about how much I weighed in my teens thanks to some diary entries I transcribed to this blog before the fire. But that doesn’t help me with 2001, alas.

I know I was 150 by my junior year, and after I quit kung fu I ballooned. I think I may have passed the 200 mark my first year of college, but I’m not sure. The next year, I lost a lot of weight due to chemotherapy, and I managed to stay around 150 through 1999 thanks to the Atkins diet. When I stopped doing that due to misguided concerns about my kidney function, though, I ballooned again. Looking at pictures from 2000 on, I can see that I gained weight steadily thereafter. I suppose I’ll just have to find my earliest recorded weight and guesstimate, assuming a steady rate of weight gain. (I wonder if I went to any doctors in 2001? Maybe my weight for that year is recorded in my medical records somewhere…)

As for the question of when I first became obese, that would be whenever I hit about 170 lbs the first time. I’m sure that was before the leukemia, but again, I have no information from the 90s other than that I was 150 in 1992. I suppose if I had my weight at time of admission for cancer, I could guesstimate that answer as well.

Maybe I’ll try to call about my medical records in the morning. For now, I’ll check out more of the forms…then head to bed.

Too many photos

The biggest drawback of how many photos I take is how easy it is to amass a ginormous backlog. Right now I’m sitting on nearly three months of pics, including two trips home to Kentucky, my two weeks in Augusta finishing out my old job, and my recent trip to New York state…not to mention various local shops and eateries and adventures.

I’ve been taking pictures with my PowerShot these days rather than busting out the Nikon, because I don’t normally need to edit the PowerShot snaps before uploading, and that saves a lot of time. But I still need to go through, delete the pictures that didn’t turn out right, and batch rename them all (I prefer a date-based filename rather than IMG_0001.jpg). Then there’s creating galleries on SmugMug and uploading. And let’s not even get into tagging and captioning; I haven’t been doing that for months. Maybe years.

It’s kind of disheartening to think about all the photos I have left to upload, and all the uploaded photos that aren’t properly captioned and tagged. Sometimes when I take a photo I think of the caption right then, and I wish there was some way I could append it to the EXIF immediately. Maybe someday there will be a camera that has that sort of feature, via voice recognition or a slide-out keypad. Maybe one exists now, but if so, I don’t own it.

In any case, part of the reason I’ve been so lax on uploading photos is simply that I’ve been busy working and traveling. I’m finally to a point where I have plenty of free time, and I’m trying not to just fill it with watching Netflix, but it’s harder when I don’t have a set daily structure. I also have other goals, including finally getting my wall art hung up around the apartment and unpacking my various dishes and curios and finding places for them.

The pictures will get done, and hopefully soon…but I’m not sure exactly when.

A hairy dilemma

For some time now I’ve been trying out the “no ‘poo” method of hair care. Rather than using shampoo, you wash with a paste made of baking soda and water, and rather than using conditioner, you simply rinse your hair with diluted apple cider vinegar. I got the idea from my friend Mari, who has been doing it for years and loves the results. My own experience has been a little uneven, however.

The main purpose of going no ‘poo is to allow your hair’s natural oils to come out. This should, in theory, make your hair prettier and more manageable. It’s also supposed to be healthier for your hair, since you aren’t stripping away natural oils and then applying unnatural products.

My hair is long, straight, and naturally blond. I have never really done much with it. It can’t hold a curl for more than an hour. It’s very convenient, in that I can simply wash it and go, but I’ve often despaired of how flat it is. I was hoping that going no ‘poo would add some body.

It took some time for my hair to adjust to the baking soda and cider method. Once it did, I noticed two improvements I really liked. First, my hair no longer seemed susceptible to static electricity. It lay flat and was easy to move without worrying about tangling. It also held its shape better, meaning I could give the appearance of volume by brushing it up in the front and then allowing it to fall. I was pretty pleased with these changes. While my hair wasn’t actually thicker, it felt more manageable.

However, there were a few problems. The first problem: Sean didn’t care for the smell of my hair while I used this method. Frankly, I didn’t either. It didn’t smell dirty, but it didn’t smell pretty, either. I suppose this problem might be fixed with a spray-in fragrance, or perhaps a lemon or scented oil as I’ve seen suggested on no ‘poo forums, but for me, fixing baking soda paste and diluting cider is already more fuss than I normally feel like doing. I’m not particularly girly; I like to look nice, but I don’t want to spend hours in the bathroom each morning.

The second problem: My mom told me my hair didn’t shine like it used to–that it looked dull. This was very disappointing to hear. I could almost deal with the smell issue, but if my hair isn’t going to look good, what’s the point? I don’t have cascading golden tresses or anything, but I like to think my hair is fairly pretty. I don’t want to sabotage a facet of my looks that I’m perfectly happy with.

A third problem is simply the issue of getting a thorough washing. Baking soda works all right for cleaning hair after exercise, but when I tried it after swimming in the ocean or a chlorinated pool, my hair did not get clean. Chlorine is similar to baking soda, so it was actually recommended somewhere not to use the baking soda at all, but to simply rinse the hair before and after swimming, or to use a bathing cap, something I don’t own and have never used. Again, more fuss.

My no ‘poo experience ended when I went to New York state recently. While there I didn’t feel like taking the trouble to find a store and buy baking soda and apple cider vinegar, so I simply used hotel shampoo and conditioner. And let me tell you, it felt so good to actually lather up my hair again. My hair felt nice and clean and smooth afterwards, too. The no ‘poo method changes the texture of hair, makes it more oily. Maybe that’s better for it; I don’t know. All I do know is I’ve used shampoo and conditioner since I’ve been home, and I’m loath to give them up again, despite the fact that I can already feel my hair getting thinner and frizzier.

Neither option seems ideal at this point. I wonder if there’s a happy medium out there somewhere.

Odd dream

As I was waking up this morning, I dreamed I was out with a friend (B) and a former coworker (C) in Augusta for dinner. Except it didn’t look anything like Augusta. It was a college town where school buildings mingle with downtown buildings, more like Lexington. Lots of red brick and grass, though. Anyway, we were at this lunch counter type place ordering food. I had apparently been there for lunch and had a salad, so I already knew what they had available. C ordered a plate of peas (he’s a vegetarian but that seemed a little extreme so I said, “All you’re getting is a plate of peas?” and he said yes). I wanted peas too, so I asked if there were going to be enough. It’s here that things got wonky.

The girl at the counter started looking trough all the food trying to find peas. They didn’t seem to be anywhere. Worse, I kept spotting them and pointing them out only to have them seemingly disappear when she looked. “There’s some, with carrots,” I said, pointing, and she went to that tray and started pulling out grape tomatoes. I was so frustrated I asked, “You do know what a pea is, right?” She stared at me and I tried to make it as inoffensive as possible by blurting things like “You never know!” “In this day and age?” she responded mockingly, then sliced off a piece of specialty cheese for B and placed it in a bag. I wasn’t even sure when B had ordered.

The girl moved down to help some new customers. I still hadn’t ordered my peas, let alone the rest of my meal (I wanted a pork chop). Infuriated, I left.

I stalked down the street and into a courtyard near the corner. It was there that I encountered an odd creature that I’m pretty sure I’ve dreamed about before. It’s kind of like a deformed kangaroo, same height, same big legs and small arms, same tail for balance, but a stubby face wholly unlike that of a kangaroo. Still, “What’s a kangaroo doing loose in the city?” I asked aloud as it charged toward me.

The courtyard was filled with trees and corners, and for some reason, while I knew the kangaroo could and would hurt me, I wasn’t afraid. I simply backed into tight spaces where it couldn’t reach and started taking pictures of it. Soon the flash seemed to scare the thing off and it fled the courtyard. I watched it bound back and forth down the street outside, its movements punctuated by the screams of those who spotted it.

I cut through the courtyard to a perpendicular street and found a restaurant, where I got a table. I was settling in when B showed up and joined me. “If she comes back, I want water,” I said. “I need to use the restroom.” “I’d rather we wait to order until you’re back,” B responded. “And we’re having you pay for this.” I realized she must be mad that I left the lunch counter. “Okay, but I didn’t even order anything there. And the service was awful,” I said. “I seriously don’t think she knew what a pea was. I was so mad I couldn’t stand to stay there.” I went on to explain how I’d run into the creature. I was in the middle of describing it when I noticed B was stiff and pale. “Don’t worry,” I said. “It won’t hurt us.” There was no real reason for my being so sure of this other than my innocuous earlier encounter. “You’ve obviously never been bitten by him,” B said, sounding angry and scared. “A says he knows someone who has and it was really bad.” (A is B’s ex in real life.)

I didn’t know what to say to this, and I really did need to use the restroom, so I woke up.

A glorious morning on the trails

This morning I took a very long walk–more than two hours, anyway–through the woods and alongside the Chattahoochee River. I took a trail I hadn’t explored before and ended up coming out near a distant apartment complex. There was a map there so I was able to tell that if I walked some more, I would find the abandoned mill I’ve been interested in seeing…but by that point I was pretty tired and I knew I needed to get water soon. So I ended up turning around and heading back the way I came.

The walk back was strangely energizing. It was as if, knowing there was a finite distance left, my body decided to push out a lasting burst of energy. Soon I found myself jogging the forest trail, weaving through the trees, barreling down little creek-cut valleys and back out of them, leaping side to side to avoid obstacles like rocks, roots, and other hikers.

Finally, elated and covered with sweat, I emerged from the pines and took a quick left back to the nearest parking area, where I availed myself of the water fountain with measured abandon.

The walk back from there was a nice cool-down. I stuck to the river path to keep out of the sun, smiling at all the walkers, runners, bikers, and dog walkers who were out enjoying this hot, beautiful day with me. And then, finally, I was done, ready to relax in the air conditioning with a tall glass of water.

Bliss.

Pity party: over!

I had a nice lunch and conversation with good friends, and I’m feeling better than I was earlier when I whined about the universe not loving me. This just happens at times of transition; I get weepy and perhaps self-piteous. But this is good. I can finally start living the new life I caught an echo of when we first moved in March. Time to get my surgery, pursue my ideas, set a timeline for adoption, figure out some solid goals. It’s new and different and scary, but it’s freedom, and I can use it to work towards my dreams.

The loneliness of leaving

I drove into my last day of work today in tears because no one had offered to throw me a goodbye party.

This is how it’s always been, though. People are glad I exist in theory, but there rarely seems to be a strong connection. I guess it’s true on my end, too; it takes me a long time to feel close. But I want that connection. I want people to think of me.

I’m a Hufflepuff. I’m the prodigal son’s brother. I’m the one quietly working in the background, with occasional one-on-one recognition but invisible to the world at large. If I want a party, I have to throw it myself, and hardly anyone will come.

Children: The solution to all existential crises?

“I don’t really remember what it was like before. Whatever I had going on, it was bullshit. It wasn’t important. It’s kind of a nice thing about being a dad. My identity is really about them now, and what I can do for them, so it sort of takes the pressure off of your own life. What am I going to do, who am I? Who cares, you’ve got to get your kids to school. So I like it that way.”

-Louis C.K., from this interview.

It has long appeared to me that kids crystallize one’s purpose. I think that’s part of why I’ve felt so directionless in my adult life. I’d always assumed I’d have kids, and everything I’d do would be for their benefit.

It’s possible we will adopt in the next few years. Sean’s finally not only receptive, but eager to have a child. So maybe I’ll get to experience that crystallization of purpose too.