Category: general

I just heard that the baby of a cousin of an old friend’s husband has died. He was delivered early due to fear of infection, but the antibiotics didn’t save him.

It makes me scared.

Earlier today I got a strange phone call from my endocrinologist’s office, saying that my FSH was high and that I needed to go back for more bloodwork, and that then we would “decide what to do”. This was after my doctor had already called me to tell me that my FSH was “still a little high”, but was trending lower than it had been in January and February. I became too hopeful after hearing that, I guess.

36 is still high, I guess.

What if I get pregnant, and there is something wrong with my eggs, and the child isn’t fully formed, and it dies?

I don’t want that. I don’t want that.

It’s unnatural, what I’m doing. Replacing hormones. Trying to kickstart my ovaries. It’s unnatural and selfish. And now I wonder if it will bring anything but pain.

I went to bed a little after 7 pm, because my solution to everything is to go to bed. I slept until Sean came to bed, not too long ago I imagine, and then I laid awake listening to the eerie harmony of cicadasong for awhile.

Now I am just listening to bittersweet melodies from Kyou Kara Maou, and wondering about myself.

As I was sitting on a bench at Riverwalk, along the river, a dozen or so people in shorts and tank tops jogged up and started doing huge stepping exercises on the small stage right next to me. It was a fitness class of some sort. My heart isn’t really in talking about it, but it was strange and interesting, so I thought I would at least mention it.

Bugs kept getting on me and my lunch today.

This morning, I felt very timid. I didn’t feel comfortable with coming in. I didn’t feel as if I were up to doing anything.

I ended up helping with a mockup for my supervisor’s presentation today, and I did fine. I got to use Exacto knives. Whee. I felt a lot happier about that before I was given two projects, one huge one that will “keep me busy for awhile” and one that is due today. Obviously I can’t give any details on any of this, but I wanted to explain two things. The first is that I know I can do these things, if I can just calm down and work through them and figure out what I need to do. The second is that I am scared of messing up, and I just want to go home.

Lunch didn’t really help, so I cut it short and came back to the office.

The lower left area of my monitor seems to be discoloring…it’s pale and brown, like the ghost of a coffee stain. I don’t even drink coffee!

I’ve had the monitor for a few years, so I suppose it could be age, but I’m also wondering if having the external hard drive and the Zip drive over there, to the left and below the monitor, is causing it somehow. (I’d suggest the speaker, too, but the right side of my monitor isn’t turning brown…)

Right now it’s barely noticeable (I only saw it because I was visiting a blog that is pretty much all white background and I had my Favorites closed), but now that I’ve spotted it, it’s going to annoy the hell out of me…

Will Gauln/Gauron/whatever his name is supposed to be ever die?

(I suppose it wouldn’t be as fun if he did…but damn that man’s resilient o_o)

Luke reviews a lot of stuff. Typically when he writes about music, I either skip it or skim it. I couldn’t be more clueless about music if I tried. I just listen to stuff.

But when he talks about books or movies, I pay attention, because I do know a little bit about those things. And today, he presents us with one of the most thoroughly enjoyable film reviews I’ve ever read, about a movie I’ve never heard of.

The only film genre more formulaic than romantic comedies is Hong Kong action. Every time out it’s the honorable cops versus the craven triads [or honorable triads and craven cops]. At some point we are introduced to one or more soulless, doting, ineffectual female characters who exist only as testaments to the hero’s startling animal magnetism. There are always double and triple crosses ending in bloody showdowns. In Hong Kong action, bullets are drawn to foreheads like East Asian Mafiosi to the heroin trade.

There’s often a mystery to unravel or a game of cat and mouse. Those films lacking in mystery generally compensate with a revenge plot and absurd amounts of blood–gushing out of foreheads split in two with precise gunplay.

For better and for worse, Infernal Affairs [Hong Kong action titles also generally sound like soft core porn] finds a way to incorporate each and every on of these things into a single film.

Must…see…Infernal Affairs.

Kid stories!

Via Drudge, the results of some research into childhood obesity, and ways to curtail it. I think those tips could help adults, too, but I am definitely on board with the idea that habits learned in adolescence tend to extend into adulthood. (My adolescence was spent snacking as often as possible, and expecting dessert after every dinner. While I was not an overweight child, I didn’t quite lose all my baby fat in high school, and when I quit kung fu, I totally ballooned.)

Via Slashdot, news that too much homework can be counterproductive. This is a class issue more than anything, apparently:

Upper-income parents, who tend to have closer communication with the school and with teachers, are better able to assist their children with homework. But in poorer households — often headed by single parents, parents with comparatively little education or, in some nations, parents held back by language barriers — homework may not be cordially received, especially by parents of small children.

“An unintended consequence may be that those children who need extra work and drill the most are the ones least likely to get it. Increasing homework loads is likely to aggravate tensions within the family, thereby generating more inequality and eroding the quality of overall education,” Baker said.

Wow, horrible in-text sponsored links. Yet another intrusive, aggravating form of advertising. If I ever get to a point where I want to include ads on this site (something I don’t take lightly; I find ads horribly annoying in general), remind me not to do that.

An interesting tidbit from the article:

During the early 1980s, many U.S. schools and teachers ramped up their homework assignments, at least to younger children, in reaction to intense media focus on studies comparing the mediocre performance of American students to the industriousness of their Japanese counterparts. At the same time, ironically, Japanese educators were attempting to reduce the amount of homework given to their students and allow them more leisure from the rigors of schooling. Neither the American nor the Japanese educational reform of the 1980s seems to have affected general achievement levels in either country, according to the book.

Pretty interesting stuff, overall. I have to say that I think less homework is better. It leaves room for parents to teach in their own way, and for kids to have social lives. I agree that rather than tacking on more and more homework, school systems should instead be looking into better teaching methods.

And now for the space stories!

Funding has been promised for moon and Mars missions. I continue to have the same reaction to this kind of news. I think space is great, and I think we should go there. But at the same time, I can’t be reasonably sure that outer space projects are the best investment of our funds.

Meanwhile, somebody sold Neil Armstrong’s hair! (Now that was a sensationalist headline worthy of MSN.)

I’m feeling a lot of stress right now. A relationship has ended. I’m jobless. I have projects out the wazoo, and no idea of how I’m going to organize and prioritize them (my latest desperate attempt involves using Outlook’s Tasks).

So maybe that’s why, when I did something that I thought was right, I started bawling as if I had just made a horrible sacrifice.

I did give something up. But it wasn’t something I needed. It was something I wanted. I mean, I really wanted it. I wasn’t expecting the offer, but then there it was.

I turned it down.

Do I think this makes me noble? Am I looking for praise? Did I really turn it down out of the desire to keep my would-be benefactor in the black? Or did I do it because I wanted to impress her with my selflessness?

Am I a good person? Do I do the right thing, in general? Why are there problems I can’t solve in a way that makes everyone happy?

I wish I was wise.

Sean pointed me to this list of the “Ten Most Harmful Books of the 19th and 20th Centuries”, and to a thread on Tech Report discussing the list. (They get into some interesting debates over there.)

I feel bad that I have never actually read any of the books on the main list or on the “Honorable Mention” list. This reminds me of my early Internet chatting days, when someone told me I should read Ayn Rand. I wrote on a post-it, “Read Ayn Rand”, and put the post-it in a pile of papers. Never did actually read anything. :>

I think I need to get a library card and start rectifying my lack of culture and historical knowledge.

I kept checking and checking the site, waiting for LoR to resume. And when it did, I was so excited. I was one of the loyal followers who knew it would return. I was there to welcome it back with open arms.

And now…it’s doing nothing. Again.

Well, screw it. I may check back in a few months, out of curiosity, but it’s out of my bookmarks. I’m tired of loading the same entry every day. I’ve been doing that since April 18.

LoR, the same as any other webcomic I haven’t donated to, doesn’t owe me anything. But I don’t owe them anything, either. ;P

(On the other hand, Gossamer Commons has become very cool, and I’m enjoying it quite a bit. The beginning is best read all at once, but now it’s settled into a groove that fits the three-a-week schedule. I’m also getting used to the art–even if I still think Sonata looks like a hooker :X)

People are apparently making really good money writing corporate blogs. (Via Slashdot.) I felt at first like this was just selling out…but then, what kind of professional writing isn’t done for money? At least these people get to write every day, to practice their style, and they get paid for it. The trick seems to be to find a position that doesn’t conflict with your personal morals/ethics…that way you can feel good both about the fact that you are getting paid to write, and about what you are writing.

I think I should look into this further.

At about 12:05 am on my birthday, I got up from my desk and went over to where Sean was sitting and said, “Kiss me, I’m 27!” (That then became the title of a post.)

I stayed up for about 45 more minutes, burning some stuff to DVD, and then went to bed.

I don’t really remember when I got up. Sean was off work, and I didn’t have anything to do really, so we both slept in. I think I got up around noon or so. After piddling around on the computer for awhile, I decided to go biking.

As I was getting ready to leave, Ben called to wish me Happy Birthday. I was so happy he called. We talked while I gathered up my things, carried the bike down the stairs, put the bike rack onto the car, put the bike on the rack, and tied the bike down securely. Then I was ready to go, and I sat in the car as we finished up our conversation. He said that he and Manda are going to have a reception for friends and family, and they don’t know when but that it may be near the end of June. I said that as long as we had enough notice, Sean and I could both come. We hung up, and I headed off to bike in a cheerful mood.

It had been raining on and off all day, so I was hoping that I would hit a window of dryness while I was out riding. Because it was bound to be muddy, I went to the Greeneway instead of the Canal.

I pushed myself really hard. Normally I stop frequently to take pictures, but since it was rainy and I wanted to finish as soon as possible (lest I be caught in a downpour), I didn’t take any pictures at all. I rode from the golf course down the new stretch of trail, to the intersection with the old Greeneway, up past the street where we used to come in from Mari and Kelly’s old apartment, and past the Activities Center. Then I started to feel funny, and I was out of breath, so I stopped to rest for a moment. I ended up having to crouch to balance myself; apparently I was dehydrated. It wasn’t hot at all; it was in the 60s, so I hadn’t thought I could dehydrate that quickly. A few chugs from my water bottle, and a few more moments of rest, and I felt better.

I then got back on the bike and kept going. I forced myself to go as fast as I could. And, of course, I rode no-handed as much as possible. I do that all the time now. I can easily steer around people and gentle curves without using my hands. I’ve been thinking of finding some way of hooking small freeweights to my handlebars so I can use them while I’m biking. (Or, you know, getting wrist weights…)

I didn’t stop again until the water fountain just before the bridge over Martintown Road, and at that point I stopped to get more water. But I didn’t dawdle, and soon enough I was charging forward again, passing streets, going over another bridge…and then finally I was at the last water fountain before the end of the trail. I stopped, got some more water, and then rode up to the parking lot and turned around.

The way back was much faster, because it is more downhill. But I kept pedaling the entire time. I wasn’t going to stop my workout for anything…especially since it started raining, and I needed to get back to my car in a hurry. Fortunately it was just sprinkling, so I didn’t get too wet.

I didn’t stop at all on my way back. The new stretch of trail that runs past the river has some severe inclines on it, and those slowed me up, but I powered through them as best I could.

The result was that I biked for an hour at over 12 mph. And I felt great.

Due to a huge puddle in the middle of the new trail, I was splattered with mud. I went to Wal-Mart looking quite the mess, and bought skim milk, whole wheat bread, and laundry detergent. Then I picked up some McDonald’s for lunch/dinner (by then it was around 4:30) and went to R. Gabriel’s for a smoothie. Since it was my birthday, they gave it to me for free :)

I got home, drove around to the carwash area to hose off my bike, parked, lugged the food and groceries upstairs, lugged my bike upstairs and carried it gingerly onto the deck to dry, changed clothes, and immediately started the laundry (including the muddy clothes I had been wearing). Then I sat down with my Cobb Salad and smoothie and watched some Kyou Kara Maou.

I basically did laundry and watched Kyou Kara Maou for the rest of the evening. It was neat to see how some of the characters who become influential later were introduced–Adelbert, notably. It was also interesting how Conrad (I guess that’s the official spelling now) answered Yuuri’s shy question, “Will you cry for me if I die?” (He said, “When that happens, we’ll meet in another place.” Now that I know more, I have a better idea of what he meant by that, and I find it bittersweet and complex.)

Towards the end of my day I logged onto AIM and IRC, chatting with various people about various things. I’ve started to think a lot about the AMRN lately; I’ve posted a few editorials there in past days about things I think are wrong with it. Of course, it’s easy for an outsider to pass judgment. I’ve been thinking that I would like to become actively involved with the community again. And so I have offered to help Sam with site documentation. (This, in turn, has prompted me to once again search for ways to organize my varied projects. I have the Battlecry website, my own website, and now AMRN documentation on my plate. There are other things I’d like to get done, too, and apparently I’m going to have more contract work soon. I need a way to organize my tasks so that I can effectively complete them.)

After awhile, I decided to hit the sack, both because I was sleepy and because I had a doctor’s appointment this morning. (Women’s yearly exam. No problems.)

And that was my birthday. Not a whole lot of fanfare, but I enjoyed it.

I never used to write much. When I wrote, people liked it, but that never seemed to be encouragement enough for me. I wrote mainly for school. On the side, I started several stories that I never finished. I also journaled a little, writing every day in week or monthlong spurts and then neglecting to write again for months or even years.

That began to change when I started writing online. There was something about the experience that made me prone to write more often. Part of it is certainly the ease of it. All I have to do is go to a website and type in a form. That has made it simple and convenient for me to update frequently.

A second reason, of course, is the exhibitionist pleasure I derive from knowing that what I’m saying can be seen by anyone, anywhere in the world. I have enjoyed sharing my thoughts through the Internet ever since I first started responding to messages on Bulletin Board Services. And the collaborative nature of a ‘blog’ was appealing. I liked that I could write something, and other people could answer it, and everyone could see everything. It was similar to what originally drew me to the AMRN (besides Sean and Charles dragging me there kicking and screaming).

I am happy that now I typically post more than once a day. I can honestly say that I journal. I write what’s on my mind and post it often. It’s different for me. Thanks to the Internet, I have changed from the type of person who would write every now and then out of a feeling of obligation into the type of person who writes solely for the pleasure of it. I like that.

I recently asked readers of this journal whether or not the things I have been writing recently are interesting, because I haven’t been seeing many comments. I visit my blog many times a day, too many to count, and every time I see a “Comments (0)” I feel a little depressed. I wanted to figure out what I could do to get people to respond.

Because I post a lot, there often isn’t time for many replies before a post is pushed off the main page. I recently increased the number of posts displayed on the home page for that reason. Also for that reason, I didn’t write much at all after I asked my question. I wanted people to see that post, and to answer it.

As of now, I have three replies.

I have only posted three times prior to this post in the interim, and I have refrained from posting many things that have interested me of late. A recent, rambling yet structured and wholly moving eulogy on Websnark. News about bizarre crimes in Japan. Google’s work towards effective machine translation. An essay about science fiction fans’ obsession with internal consistency (or, as we used to call it on the AMRN, “canon”).

I didn’t post about these things both because I didn’t want to push “more important” posts too far below the fold, and also because people have mentioned that my newsposts don’t do much for them. But not posting has not made me happy.

Avoiding posting seemingly trivial things has not made me any more likely to post meaningful things.

The fact is, I want to post when I read something interesting. I want to have a record of it. I want to write things that are totally uninteresting to anyone but me–like analyses of aspects of the Japanese language I’ve recently encountered; or long-winded discussions of the plot of Kyou Kara Maou (which I am currently rewatching); or rants about stupid people who piss me off; or essays on collaborative storytelling and online messageboard roleplaying, how they seem to function and why they fail; or, yes, a post that says nothing more than “I was touched/saddened/angered/intrigued by this today”.

I want to write these things. And I don’t want to write them in a private journal…because, to be perfectly honest, I simply won’t do it. I know I won’t. And that will annoy me.

I think what I needed to realize was not that I was writing uninteresting things, but that I wasn’t writing them for anyone but myself. And that’s okay…because this is my space, for indulging in whatever I see fit.

Instead of forcing myself not to post about certain things, I should instead post as much as I want, and push myself to write more. Quality is obviously better than quantity, but you don’t get quality without practice. And this journal is not a professional piece of work. It’s a diary, a scrapbook, a place for me to throw everything that seems important so I’ll have a reference later when I go back to do something professional.

And so I will be pushing myself, from now on, to write more stories here. Things that reflect my life, and my feelings and opinions. Things that aren’t simple links elsewhere. But alongside these nobler efforts, those simple links will continue to appear.

Out of respect for my readers, however, I am brainstorming ways to make it easy to find things that are interesting and ignore things that aren’t. One way, of course, will be the categories that will exist in WordPress. I can have a category called “Stories”, for example, and people who aren’t interested in anything but crafted works can bookmark that category’s page instead of the homepage, or subscribe to that category’s RSS feed. (WordPress is going to rule.)

But I am also considering changing the face of the homepage–styling it to show the post title, date, time, and categories, with perhaps a brief summary. This should allow for quite a few posts to be “highlighted” on the main page, and readers would be able to skim along until they found something that seemed interesting to click on. I am starting to believe that this would be the best way to go about things, so that people who really don’t care about Touch can just bypass that post without having to scroll past twelve screenshots of Tatsuya striking out Nitta.

Ultimately, the goal is for me to write more. If I am ever going to write anything worthwhile, if I am ever going to seriously try to get published, I am going to have to write far more than I do even now. That’s daunting…and so I don’t need to do anything that will encourage me not to write.

After shifting the laundry from the washer to the dryer, I moved the basket from the top of the dryer so I could clean the lint filter. There, lying right across the rectangular spot where the filter pulls out, was my FlyLady featherduster.

My first reaction was a spike of annoyance. Obviously Sean had put the duster there, because that isn’t where it goes. Why would he put it there? I groused. How does that make any sense?

And then I stopped. Why, I countered, would Sean say, “Hmm, where does this duster go? Oh, the most logical thing is obviously to lie it across the tupperware.” Because, you know, whenever anyone sees a shelf stacked with tupperware, they automatically think, “Where’s the featherduster?”

The whole thing gave me a good chuckle.

I always joke that I’m getting old, but I don’t really think of it that way. I certainly don’t feel “old”. Old is something I’ll be when I’m 100. Certainly not twenty-seven, as I am as of 31 minutes ago. (Or as of whenever I was actually born.)

I’ve already celebrated my birthday a little. As you saw, my mom sent me beautiful flowers on Friday (I imagine because most places are closed today for Memorial Day). On Saturday, I met up with Mari for biking, and then we met up with Brooke at Kinja for sushi. Mari treated me, and Brooke gave me some beautiful pink flowers.

It was so nice to be out with both of them again, and to enjoy Kinja’s fantastic sushi. Really, their maguro nigiri was superb. Getting it delivered or picking it up from Mikoto has been convenient, but having it made in front of you and eating it fresh is really the way to go. Aside from the tuna, I had miso soup, unakyu (eel rolls), salmon steak rolls, and inari (sweet soybean nigiri). Soooo delicious. After we finished I raided Kinja’s little grocery section and found some mochi ice cream in the freezer, so we bought that and split it among us. Mmmmm.

Today, Sean is going to take me out. Somewhere. I don’t really know where yet. We might do Kurama, since we have a gift certificate. I hope we can also go to Riverwalk or someplace pretty to just spend some time together.

This coming Saturday, I’m going to have my actual party. I’m tentatively planning a picnic, followed by bowling. I’m not sure if I want to have the picnic at a park, or at the Canal (the snakes are kind of a deterrent), or if I want to just call it a pool party and do it at the apartment clubhouse, where we can cook out on the grills and eat at picnic tables. The latter might be the most convenient, if I can make sure the apartment office is okay with me having a few people there. (You watch–they’ll ask for money ;P)

In any event, I’m really looking forward to it. I love doing stuff with people, and being outdoors. I’m also looking forward to bowling again, because I haven’t been in a long time. Actually, I think the last time I went was for my 26th birthday!

I think birthdays are something to celebrate no matter how old you are. Once you become an adult, it’s less about your age and more about the fact that you were born at all. That’s reason enough for anyone to celebrate! So next year, I’m hoping to organize a trip to Myrtle Beach. I’d like to stay in a house on or near the beach, and have all my friends come up. That would be so nice. Hopefully I’ll land a good job this year so I can afford to do that. (Of course, around that same time next year we’ll be buying a house of our own, so it might not be in the cards. We’ll just have to see!)

I leave you with this picture of the awesome wireless keyboard and mouse Sean got for me: