Infertility

I just did some reading about FSH levels and infertility, and I think I have a better understanding now of what’s going on. A lot of it is stuff that was said to me, but that I didn’t quite understand. It seems that I’m better with reading comprehension than with listening comprehension.

FSH levels skyrocket during menopause because as women age, the likelihood of eggs being viable and resulting in a “livebirth” decreases. The body uses the extra FSH to help bolster the eggs and make them work right. This continues even after there aren’t any viable eggs left.

A normal FSH level is somewhere around 10 or less.

Estradiol, a natural hormone, can suppress FSH.

My FSH level is 36. Previously, it was over 40–menopausal. I am currently taking estradiol, which is probably the only reason the FSH level is slightly lower.

In some women, normal ovarian function has been known to return one year after chemotherapy. I am now 7 years out.

I have been undergoing this hormone therapy since October–over seven months.

We’re going to continue the therapy until this October, then stop and see if my ovarian function returns to normal. But given my current levels, and the fact that my ovaries haven’t reacted in any meaningful way to the therapy, it’s really not looking like there is any hope.

I guess I have been getting slowly adjusted to this idea already, because I don’t feel that sudden shock of intense depression that I used to feel every time my hope was shattered. Now, it’s more like a dull ache.

I guess I will see this therapy through to the end, to put the last nail in the coffin. Then I’ll move on, work towards all my other goals. It will be liberating, really, to finally know for sure.

I’m woefully uneducated when it comes to reproductive medicine

There’s been a lot of talk lately about ovarian tissue transplants as treatment for infertility. A woman in Belgium was able to conceive and give birth after having a sample of her own pre-chemotherapy ovarian tissue implanted. Now, a woman has conceived and given birth thanks to the implantation of her twin sister’s ovarian tissue.

Since the tissue was genetically identical in both cases, this doesn’t prove that anyone can be an ovarian tissue donor for anyone else, but it does make you wonder. It also, of course, makes you think about how cloning could be employed to make people fertile.

I am against that, as you can imagine. I find the idea of creating a living clone for the purpose of harvesting its organs disgusting and horribly horribly wrong. (This is why it was so shocking to me that the Jedi Council so readily accepted the clone armies. What, were they like, “Oh, sure, they’re just clones”?!)

In any case, if it happens to become possible for a different person to donate ovarian tissue to me and make me fertile…then would the eggs still be mine, or what? Are my eggs already all produced, and just sitting in there? That was my understanding, for some reason. So would the new tissue cause the ovaries to once again be able to “activate” the eggs, leaving the genetic material inside intact? Or would the new tissue kickstart the generation of new eggs that weren’t mine?

I don’t want to give birth to a child that is half Sean and half some other woman. The whole thought is just ridiculous to me. Pointless. The point of conception and giving birth is to pass down your genetic material. I can love someone else’s child without giving birth to it. I would rather adopt, if I can’t conceive.

But if my ovaries could be repaired somehow, and the child would still be mine…then that would be great.

North Augusta Greeneway

When I first started biking, it was with Mari, Kelly, Brooke and sometimes Chris at the North Augusta Greeneway. Back then I used Mari’s spare bike, a little BMX-looking red dirtbike that was a bitch to ride. I was often way, way behind everyone else, and I frequently stopped to rest my legs. Part of this, of course, was because I was just starting, but I believe that a significant portion of my trouble was caused by the bike itself. It wasn’t made for riding fast, I don’t think. I think it would be better suited for mountain trails.

When I got my new bike, and finally rode on the Greeneway with people again (Mari and Brooke, I think?), I stayed out front the whole time, and didn’t stop until the end of the trail where we always turn around. :)

Mari’s old bike had broken me in, and now my new bike means I can go further faster, and see lots of neat things. Last week I explored the Augusta Canal Historic Trail, and took pictures, both on Thursday and Friday.

Today I decided to get some shots of the Greeneway.

What a perfect day to go. The fall colors were out in full force, blanketing the trail and rustling in the trees. It was overcast, looking like it was going to rain at any moment, and it was a little humid, but no bad weather occurred, and the cloudiness meant that the sun wasn’t beating down on me whenever I broke out of the trees.

I felt like I was communing with nature, somehow, especially when I stopped and just looked straight up at the waving trees, the breeze washing over me.

I parked at the lot off Martintown, because I didn’t feel like driving all the way to the Activity Center, where we usually park. This meant that I had a choice of directions. I chose to go to my right, towards the bridges and Mari and Kelly’s old apartment, and then work my way back up. It’s uphill on the way back, which is a major drawback of parking at that spot, but I figured I could treat myself to a breezy ride at the very end by going past my car and to the other end of the trail on my way back.

For the first 15 minutes, which is how long it took me to get from there to the very end of the trail (at that odd golfing community near the Augusta 13th Street bridge over the Savannah–don’t remember what that street is called in South Carolina), I did an average of 14 mph. This was crazy! Of course, the reasons I could go so fast were 1) it was downhill; 2) the trail is easier to get traction on, as it is paved, not dirt/sand/gravel like the Canal trail.

At that point, I turned around and started taking my pictures. (If you only look at one of them, check this out…I think it’s neat! That’s the Lamar Building in the background.)

I did about 30 minutes of riding to get from there to the other end of the trail. This time doesn’t include stopping for photos; that’s all biking time. I didn’t go all the way to the very end…I stopped at the drinking fountain, which is something like six yards from the end of the trail, took a long drink, sat on the bench for awhile, and then turned around and headed back. The ride back was pretty much a breeze, although I was starting to really feel it in my legs.

It was a really good way to get rid of some of that excess emotional energy I’d built up, and the Greeneway was just beautiful today. I’m glad I went.

Today’s adventure: Augusta Canal Historic Trail

Today after work and lunch, I decided that I was going to go biking. I had plans to go shopping with Mari after she got off work, but I figured I could easily fit in an hour or two of biking before that happened. I asked Brooke if she wanted to come riding, but she had her volunteering to do, so I flew solo.

I figured out how to work my odometer (the manual is rather cryptic), packed up my camera, and lugged the bike down the stairs.

I tried a different route to get to the Savannah Rapids Pavillion, one that led me down Old Evans Road, onto Columbia Industrial Boulevard and finally to Evans to Lock Road. I don’t think it was any shorter than going Davis to Washington to Baston to Fury’s Ferry to Evans to Lock, especially given how long the red light at Evans to Lock and Fury’s Ferry was. There’s a school back there, though, Blue Ridge Elementary or something (and by the way, I could have gone Old Evans Road to Blue Ridge and cut over to Evans to Lock, I think, but I only realized this later). Since I was going at around 2:45, school traffic was in full force, so going this route might not have been the best idea.

At any rate, I really enjoyed myself at the canal trail.

bike on car

I put all my junk into the new bag on Syuusuke, except for my camera, which hung in its bag around my neck and shoulder. Then I coasted down the big gravelly hill to the path along the canal, crossed the canal on foot (there were workers there today with a scaffold), and reset the odometer for the day’s exercise. Then I was off!

For the first 18 minutes, I simply concentrated on riding. I tried to keep my pace up, ending up with an average speed of 12 mph. That’s not too shabby. I looked around at everything and thought about what great pictures I could take, but I wanted to get my workout done first.

I’d planned on riding for 30 minutes before stopping and turning around, but at the 18 minute point I hit the construction zone around Augusta Water Works, where you’re supposed to get off the bike and walk it through. Since there’s a steep hill there leading to train tracks, and lots of mud puddles along the way, I followed these instructions, memorizing my time and average speed.

Once I’d crested the hill and passed the train tracks, I did a few stretches, then continued on. I started out strong, but soon began to lose my focus. Two minutes crept by. “Well, I made it to twenty,” I thought ruefully, plugging on. I didn’t think I would be able to go much further.

But I kept going, until I made it to the strange, skinny concrete and metal bridge where Brooke and I stopped on our first time riding there together. This intrigued me. I’d crossed the bridge before, but I’d never gone beyond it. So I rode across and kept going.

The trail between the train tracks and the bridge had opened up to motor vehicle traffic. I hadn’t seen any cars, but the knowledge that a car might come upon me at any time was annoying. Here, at the bridge, the trail split off from the dirt road, and I found myself riding high above the dirt road below and to my left. The canal lay on my right–by this time, of course, the river itself was far beyond the trees to my left, invisible.

It was really a nice view, much nicer than the one from the dirt road, so I kept going. I rode past an odd little green building, and finally came to a crossroads. The New Bartram Trail continued on forwards, while the Augusta Canal Historic Trail apparently went right, according to the sign. I went right, and found myself going over the canal on a wooden bridge.

On the other side, the trail seemed to end at a street. The sign for the Historic Trail pointed left, so I turned that way, and found myself riding over a long, rolling expanse of caked mud, marked by the passage of many construction vehicles. It occurred to me to wonder whether or not I should be back there, but the sign had said this was the trail…plus, it was fun to ride over the slopes of mud.

So I kept going.

I passed some huge pipes lying on the ground, and enormous piles of dirt. Eventually on my right the trees gave way to a cemetery. Then, ahead, I heard some construction machinery start up.

“Uh oh,” I said, “it’s time to turn around.”

So I finally stopped. I was about to head back when I noticed something: that odd, castle-like building that you can see on River Watch Parkway was visible across the canal, through the trees. I stopped to take a picture–the first picture I’ve managed to take of the place.

castle thing

By this time, I decided my workout was over. It was time to explore and take pictures! So I reset Syuusuke’s odometer again and headed off. It wasn’t long before I was taking more shots.

From now on, you will see all the stuff I already mentioned, in reverse! Hover over each picture for a description. (There are more pictures on my smugmug account than I’m featuring here, so go have a look.)

Syuusuke and the 'trail' the canal big dirt pile and trees big dirt pile and 'trail' pipe ends in a line view through a pipe

Nearing the edge of the construction zone, we see that there is a bike sign, indicating that this is, indeed, somehow, a trail. A little further on, we see the sign that pointed me into the construction site in the first place. In the background, there was a guy hosing off some piece of machinery. It looked (and sounded) really cool :>

bike trail sign and backhoe Augusta Canal Historic Trail sign

After this, things look much more normal. A right turn put me on the path to the wooden bridge.

leaves and footprints beautiful canal view with reflected clouds leaves, Syuusuke, bridge wall, and weird canal thingies

And after the bridge and a left turn to head back, I was on my way towards the skinny bridge and the train tracks again. There were many beautiful things along the way to take pictures of.

trail, road, and green structure fishing hole outbuilding detail cracked and peeling paint in the setting sun

As I was finishing up my photos of the green building, two guys rode past on their bikes. The first guy and I exchanged pleasantries–“Hello, how are you, fine and you?” The second guy, though, was a trip.

“You look so good,” he entoned as he closed the distance between us on his bicycle, “I could kiss you!” He then made the requisite kissing noises.

I had to laugh. “Thank you!” I said.

He rode on a short while, then slowed and glanced over his shoulder. “Can I leave a phone number?”

“I’m married,” I grinned, waving my rings.

“Aw, man! I’ll never find a good one! It’s like I’ve got a plague!”

I chuckled sympathetically as he and his friend rode on. As they moved off into the distance, it occurred to me that I could take a picture.

two bikers on the dusty road

The guy who hit on me is the bright red spot. ;D

At this point, I noticed some joggers on the other side of the canal. It looked like whatever they were jogging on was paved. I snapped a picture of the apparent trail.

how do you get over there?

Not much farther down the trail, I saw a beautiful area across the canal, framed by trees. I turned my bike around and headed back to the perfect spot to get the picture, completely befuddling a woman who was out walking the trail (I passed her, and then turned around and passed her the other way). As I was maneuvering into position, I noticed a guy on the opposite bank, fishing. So I took his picture, too.

lovely trees and canal fishing

Here’s a picture of the skinny bridge, so you can see what it looks like. I was actually trying in this picture to get a shot of the guy on the lower bank; he had a fishing pole, and the framing would have been great if he would have cooperated with me. (I suppose I could have asked…)

the hiding fisherman's bike

Unfortunately I was unable to get a good shot of the bridge itself, partly because Mari called at that point to tell me she was on her way to pick me up to go shopping. I had something like 30 minutes to get all the way back to the Savannah Rapids Pavillion, get Syuusuke strapped to the car, and barrel home, so pictures, much to my chagrin, became my last priority.

My ride back averaged about 10 or 11 mph. I was really pushing it. I’m not entirely sure where that energy came from. I passed the two overpasses for River Watch and I-20. I went over the train tracks and through the construction, inadvertently slipping my bike chain and having to pry it back on with gloveless fingers. I passed the beautiful riverside area where Brooke and I want to have a picnic one day. I passed the quarry. I passed so many things I wanted to take pictures of! But the sun was setting (the flash on my camera had been going off automatically), so even if I had taken my time to get pictures, they wouldn’t have come out properly. My camera does not fare well at dusk (or at night at all, really).

Besides, the rush to get back was good exercise :D

That last long trek up the hill past the visitor’s center was murder. I shoved Syuusuke up towards my car in near desperation, managing to make it before my quadriceps completely gave out on me. I flung Syuusuke onto the rack, strapped him in, almost dropped the odometer on the ground, and fell into my car. Then I was blazing a swift trail down to Fury’s Ferry Road, where of course I was caught in rush hour traffic :D

Mari called me while I was waiting for the light to change at the left-hand turn for Davis Road. I got home shortly thereafter, saw that she was on the phone, wrestled Syuusuke up the stairs (where did the power to do this come from? Adrenaline?), tore off my workout clothes and threw on the outfit I’d worn to work, washed the bicycle chain grease off my hands as best I could, and flew back down the stairs.

Mari then got off the phone, told me her evening plans were cancelled and that we could take our time, and asked if she could use the bathroom XD

We tromped back upstairs and I took the time to fix my hair and wash my hands properly. Then, once we were all settled, we headed out for some fun shopping (well, browsing, in my case): Burlington Coat Factory, T.J. Maxx, and then Hot Topic and Spencer’s at the mall.

Those evil fingernail guys trapped us, too…I hate those guys! This time, I kept my hands in my pockets the whole time, and was borderline rude. Mari put up with it much the same way I did when it happened to me. She was polite, she let him give his spiel and buff her nail, and then said she would think about it and come back.

Then we escaped!

After shopping, we were both pretty hungry, so we headed over to Kinja Sushi Express off Washington Road (according to their sign, “The Best Sushi in Town the WORLD!”) for dinner. Some green tea, a bowl of miso soup, some edamame, an order of tropical luau rolls, a piece of creamed scallop nigiri, a few teriyaki and salmon rolls, and a delicious order of unagi nigiri later, I was quite the happy camper. I got Sean some philly rolls and eel rolls, and Mari dropped me off at home.

Putting all the food and exercise into DietPower, it seems that I have somehow, miraculously, broken even.

So yeah! It’s been a good day :D

I’m hoping Brooke and I can go to the canal trail tomorrow, and maybe do some more exploring…she has to work at 4 I think, but hopefully we can get a decent amount of wandering around done between the end of my work and the beginning of hers. I definitely want to go back over there for more pictures!

And I am totally up past my bedtime. Good night!

DAY ONE

The alarm went off at 5 am, offering me just enough lucidity to have to go to the bathroom. As I stumbled out of bed and hit the snooze button, I thought dreamily about how I would crawl back into bed, and how maybe I should set the alarm ahead to 6 so my sleep wouldn’t be disturbed.

As I sat on the toilet, however, I realized, Oh yeah, I have to get up and exercise, because I look like a beached whale.

(I realize that isn’t a very nice thing to say about oneself–and I know my friends, and Sean [who said some very nice things about the way I look last night], would disagree, but it was motivational, so I don’t regret it.)

I turned off the alarm completely, gathered up my cell phone, glasses, and wedding rings, and left the bedroom.

Last night, in order to prepare for today, I laid out my work clothes and my workout clothes on the dining room table. This was a very good idea, and I should keep doing that. One of the most time-consuming things in the morning is trying to pick an outfit, and it’s doubly annoying because Sean is asleep and I don’t want to disturb him. Doing it the night before (something that FlyLady suggests) solves both problems.

I pulled on my new yoga pants and a blue shirt, both of which I bought yesterday at Wal-Mart. I grabbed my camera bag and put my cell phone and keys in it, and picked up my 3 pound handweights. Then I hung my kitchen timer around my neck and set it for 45 minutes. Finally I was off, heading out of the apartment for a nice brisk walk around the complex.

I made the circuit twice, moving my arms around with the weights in alternating motions, trying to work as many muscles as I could think of. By the time I was finished with my second lap, my arms were feeling the burn.

Coming around to the final stretch, I went into the workout room at the apartment office, where I managed the stair climber for 5 minutes (yow), and then did some stomach crunches and leg lifts. To finish off my workout, I hopped on the treadmill and did some very fast walking.

I may actually have time to hop in the swimming pool after my workouts, which might be something I want to try sometime. This morning, though, I hurried back to the apartment, made Sean’s lunch, emptied the dishwasher, took my shower, and made my Slim Fast for the morning. Now I’m off for work, so I’ll grab my lunch Slim Fast from the fridge, leave Sean’s lunch in the bedroom where he can see it, and head off.

I’m feeling a little sore, especially in my upper back (I think from all the handweight stuff I was doing), but I also feel fairly energetic. I’m going to keep this up!

Aftermath

Yesterday, Mari, Kelly, Chris and I kidnapped Brooke and took her to Atlanta for her birthday. We ate dinner and played all sorts of games at Dave & Buster’s. It was pretty fun, although I’m not sure the expense (meal + game card + gas) would make it worthwhile to go again anytime soon.

While we were sitting at the table for dinner, our waitress took a picture of all of us together. I didn’t look at it until after I got home, when I uploaded pictures to Box of Bunnies.

It was sort of a wake-up call to me. I already knew my weight, from the gynecologist visit, but I had never quite realized what all that weight was doing to my figure. In the mirror, I only see my torso, which is an okay shape from the front (and I can just ignore the side view). This picture, though, was a side view of me sitting down. It is so horrible that I’m not going to show anyone, but think about how Jabba looked in Jedi and you’ll have a pretty good idea ;P It’s like I’m a lump of pudding, or a shapeless pile of lard. It’s disgusting. I couldn’t even believe it was me at first. Then I was so upset and frustrated that I resolved to keep the picture and look at it often so I would never forget just how far I’ve let my body go to hell.

Obviously, something needs to be done. I really don’t have the time to start a diet, mess up, overeat, and start the cycle again. I’m at the point where I need to stick to a lifestyle change. I want to be able to have a child, and while it looks like I have a chance, I don’t want to shoot myself in the foot by being too unhealthy to carry it. I also don’t want to be the kind of mother who is “too tired” to play with her kids. The time to get myself active and healthy is now.

I’m always scared when I commit to doing something positive for myself, because I’ve never really succeeded before. I’m always afraid I’ll let myself down. But that picture–ugh! I’m horrified even thinking about what I look like now. And I’m doing good; I’ve been biking and bellydancing (although this past week I haven’t done either :/). I need to keep up the exercise, add a little more, add some weight training, and start eating better.

Since I got the job, I haven’t been cooking dinner as much as I used to. I’ve also been eating out for breakfast and lunch quite a bit. This has done horrible things for my health as well as our bank account. Stopping this behavior will really help. I have been successful in cutting caffeine out of my diet–no more Mountain Dew for me!–so I believe I can do this. I just need to keep up my willpower. I stopped caffeine because of the horrible headaches I was getting. Surely back pain, sore feet, dwindling funds and an expanding waistline are good enough reasons to alter my eating habits.

For now, I’ve bought a bunch of Slim Fast shakes and shake mix. I’m going to try doing two shakes and a meal for my daily food intake. We’ll see how that works out.

I’m going to keep going biking with my friends as much as possible, and bellydancing too, but I can’t just rely on that anymore. I have to add more activity, especially during the weeks (like last week) that we don’t meet due to the weather. My apartment complex has a workout room that I can go to in the mornings and after work, and there’s a swimming pool too. I’m also thinking I’d like to buy some roller skates and take some passes around the complex every day, since that would be more fun than walking.

The hardest thing will be scheduling all this activity and also scheduling making Sean’s lunch for him and making dinners for both of us. I’m accustomed to a lot of idle time–in the past I spent it online, and more recently I’ve been spending it with my nose in a book. But that time is going to shrink, at least a little.

It’s worth it, though; I have to do this. I may even take the scariest step of all…and finally buy myself a scale.

More the bomb than ever before

I may have led you to believe recently that I was, in fact, the bomb. And this may very well have been true at the time. But I tell you that now, more than ever, do I not only claim, but rightfully own the title of The Bomb.

Today I managed to bike all the way to the end of the trail and back and still make it up the dreaded Hill at the End.

I simply refused to fail, for over eight miles.

Mari, Kelly, and Brooke were with me. It was a really nice day, not too hot, and since we rode later in the evening the sun wasn’t really bright either. Most of the trail is shaded by beautiful trees, but in some places you come out into the light–today, those times were perfectly fine, as the sun didn’t so much beat down on us as just kind of bask us in its glow. The perfect weather for exercise.

I didn’t go particularly fast, but I wasn’t a slowpoke, either; sometimes I was towards the end but a few times I was leader of the pack. I did stop for water–lots of water–but the breaks were short and rejuvenating, and for the most part it was me getting on the bike and pulling out first.

I guess today I just really felt like riding.

Giving up

I’m at a dangerous point right now, where I want to give up and run away from many things. Primarily I want to quit my job, but yesterday I started feeling discouraged about exercise as well. I don’t want how I’m currently feeling to screw me up, but right now it’s so easy to just want to stop worrying about working or exercising and just lose myself in books and anime.

Yesterday, between Harry Potter movies, Mari, Brooke and I went bike-riding. The two of them have been riding much longer than I have, and they both ride more frequently than I do. They also do other exercise, like walking or going to the gym. I am way behind both of them in terms of fitness.

I was successful in not letting this get to me until yesterday, when we rode down a different way on the bike trail. There was hardly any coasting to be had; it was all pedaling, and by the time we got back to the regular stretch my legs literally would not move. It was like the muscles didn’t want to function. I could walk fine, and I wasn’t particularly out of breath, so this was extraordinarily annoying to me. I felt like the Supreme Wuss of Wussonia.

So they went on, and I headed back towards the apartment, just wanting to die.

When they finally got back, they were panting heavily and glowing and smiling. As they talked about what a pain their ride had been, I was so jealous. I wanted to be pushing myself to the limit, going further. I wanted to be able to ride my bike really fast over 7+ miles, and then grin and complain about it. Already I was feeling those old familiar feelings…I should have been able to do that. I just quit because I’m a baby. I’m so lazy and stupid.

“Someday I’ll catch up to you guys,” I said, trying to bolster my spirits, but it really didn’t work. I’m back at that point yet again where I realize I’m not the best at something and that it will take a lot of work to catch up. This is the point at which I usually stop trying…at which I give in to my self-brainwashing. Too fat/stupid/ugly/lazy/untalented/boring to do what I feel like I want to be or should be doing.

It seems like I keep being faced with these huge challenges, and my emotions are warring with themselves over every one of them. Do I stand and fight for the first time in my life? Or do I continue to run?

How many times have I had this conversation with myself?

Never cut and dry

I was told today that I have “some” ovary damage, and that in order to conceive I will need to see an endocrinologist.

This is good news because it means there is still hope. But I had been preparing myself for a more definitive answer.

You’d think I’d be used to being strung along by now.

Living up to my name.

Heather fell alseep in my arms many hours ago now. We have the air conditioner going pretty much non-stop, but for some reason or another the house still seems a bit warm. Long story short: I woke up because I was uncomfortable from the heat. She meanwhile is still soundly asleep.

There’s not alot to add from what she already said about the visit. I’ve directed my emotions into the role of Devils’ advocate and the ugly, ugly realist that lurks in corners and dashes hopes. I’d like to think the truth might prepare her for the pain, but I think we all know that’s folly. There’s entirely too much emotion wrapped up in this subject for any acceptance of the truth.

The reality is that she is still menopausal and we’ve seen an overgrowth of the lining. It most conviently explains the “Why now?” question without introducing any miracles or beating incredible odds. The simplest answer is usually the right one.

I am more upset that this aspect of nature had to arrive now. In some way I feel like it’s a very cruel joke. Suddenly after five years a little gremlin of the body has set her up for a painfall fall again. It tossed out a tasty treat that was impossible to ignore.

I ask for Heather to try and ignore those hopes. To accept the painful answer now, but I might as well ask a STOP sign to say GO. She wants a child so badly that it basically haunts her. I don’t know if she’ll ever escape that ghost.

Of course another painful reality is that I can’t make this pain go away. No amount of tears, love, or comfort can make this better and I think that’s what hurts me the most. This is a ghost that tortures us both in different ways.

Bloodwork will hopefully be back by Friday

Breast exam and vaginal exam checked out fine. Pap smear results will be available in three weeks.

The blood test is the important part. It will (presumably) tell us why I was bleeding. The doctor gave us these possibilities:

  1. My ovaries are working again, which would mean that I can conceive.
  2. I am menopausal; the bleeding would therefore be simply a buildup of uteran lining that finally broke loose.
  3. I was bleeding for another reason, which would be more sinister than the first two. This is, fortunately, the most unlikely scenario.

If I am menopausal, then there are two things that I must watch out for:

  1. I will need an ultrasound to determine whether or not my uteran wall is too thick. If it is, there will need to be a biopsy, and I will need to take progesterone to keep the lining from building up.
  2. I will need to have my bones checked to ensure that I don’t have osteoporosis, and if I do I will need to take medication.

After the appointment, I got my hair chopped off to just beneath shoulder level, and donated the long remaining portion to Locks of Love.

Today’s the day

Although test results might be a day or two, this is the day of the actual testing. Understandably, I’m a little nervous, and trying not to be.

I have to work a half day today, and then leave at 11 and meet up with Sean for lunch. After lunch we’re going to work out some car insurance stuff. Then, at 3:30, I’m going to see a gynecologist.

I’ve been thinking about so much lately–getting a house, how if we have a child I want a car with air conditioning, where my “career” is going and how I can start making more money, how and when we’ll ever go back to Japan. Sean and I already determined that we will have to wait at least a year before we’re ready for a child. I’ve been wondering if that’s enough time to get everything settled…I really don’t want to live paycheck to paycheck, I want some assets and investments.

My business plan is something that will really have to wait until we’re more financially stable. I’ve been thinking that real estate might be the way to go. If I can just buy up some property and rent it…I think that would be a good way to build wealth. I just need to figure out how to do it.

Of course, there’s always the chance that we can’t have children anyway, that all these dreams and hopes are based on nothing.

I hope the doctor can give us a definitive yes. I feel so naive, but that’s what’s in my heart.

Life: a thing you never expect

After my cancer treatments, I couldn’t have periods naturally. I started on hormone shortly after I recovered, and took it for a few months. With the artificial boost, I was able to have periods. Transitioning on and off the hormone gave me horrible mood swings, and I didn’t like having to pay $10 a month or whatever it was to get the pills. So I finally just decided not to take them. I didn’t go back to the GYN who’d prescribed them, either; not because he wasn’t good, but because I thought I knew everything I needed to know already. He’d performed a blood test, twice, that showed that my brain was sending too many signals to my ovaries. This told him that my ovaries weren’t functioning properly–they weren’t responding to the brain by releasing the proper hormones. He said that he’d never seen someone with that result get pregnant.

For the past five years, I’ve been trying to deal with that prognosis. I’ve failed, pretty much; if anything, it’s been even worse lately. Seeing mothers and their children has filled me with such bitter longing that I’ve had to force myself not to cry.

And then, on Sunday night, I started having a period.

It went strong, very strong, just like a normal period. The cramping and moodiness was the same as I remember. It seems as of this morning to have died down…meaning the length was pretty much normal, too.

I don’t know what this means, and for these four and a half days I have struggled to hold back my joy. Everyone except Sean seems to assume upon hearing this that I can have children. Sean is more skeptical; he doesn’t understand why I would suddenly have a period out of the blue…and why it would happen now, after so much time.

He doesn’t want me to get my hopes up. I don’t want me to get my hopes up either. I think it has already happened, though, subconsciously. I think that my natural state of being has been to not give up hope. Somewhere inside, I always felt there was a chance, even as my conscious mind tried to stay logical. It was probably those two dueling sides that kept tearing me apart emotionally.

I’m going to try to stay as neutral as I can until my doctor’s appointment next Wednesday. If we run the same test as I had before, that should tell us something. Either things are the same as they were, or they’ve changed somehow. Maybe there’s another test they can do, too; I don’t know.

Right now I am just a prickly ball of barely-contained emotions.

I don’t want congratulations at this point…you’re free to give them anyway if you wish, but I’d rather not celebrate anything until I know for sure. That, and just letting the whole thing sink in, is why I haven’t written anything about it until now.

More on obesity

I have been thinking more about the “obesity isn’t unhealthy” argument that I linked to in a previous post, and I don’t know…it just seems like bullshit. Maybe the idea that obesity is bad is too far ingrained for me to have an objective opinion…but I don’t know. I tend to think that things that have historical precedent have stronger arguments. We come from a line of hunter-gatherers who ate natural foods. They weren’t necessarily rail-thin or bodybuilders, but they weren’t fat, either, in general.

That was one of the things I wondered about from that article–it said that an overweight person who worked out could be more healthy than a thin person who didn’t. That’s certainly true…but how many overweight people do you know who work out regularly? The ones I know who do have lost and are currently losing weight, so I hardly think they count.

The argument seemed to be that being fat is natural for many people, and therefore there shouldn’t be a stigma. I can agree that overweight people shouldn’t be stigmatized, but I’m not sure that the proliferation of obesity these days is “natural”. Something is causing it; and just because something is caused to happen doesn’t mean that that is the natural order of things. It is one of humanity’s responsibilities as thinking beings to evaluate how we affect the world and how the world affects us, and to try to correct damaging behavior.

Today I got an interesting motivational mailing about fitness and obesity from Leanne Ely, an associate of FlyLady. I think the FlyLady policy is that I can quote the emails in order to spread the word about the system, I just can’t archive emails for people to get elsewhere…so I hope it’s okay that I’m quoting this part:

We do ourselves no favors when we eat stuff that merely puts volume into a space that requires nutrition. I believe one of the reasons obesity levels have hit such highs with children is because they can’t get the nutrition they need–they keep eating because their bodies are screaming for real food! When your body wants and craves nutrition, until it gets it, you’ll want to keep eating. Have you ever noticed how junk food just doesn’t satisfy? That’s why–it’s not real and you need real food to fuel your “engine”–all stuff you can pronounce, not the chemicals, colorings and additives that are so prevalent in junk food.

Ms. Ely is a nutritional therapist, so it’s not like she’s some housewife who just came up with an idea…but it does ring of common sense, doesn’t it?

(I know that sometimes my body screams out for chocolate, but I don’t think that invalidates the theory.)

Right now I’m home for lunch, eating some leftovers. I suppose that’s mildly healthier than going for fast food…although part of this is meatloaf :> After work today I’m going biking with Mari and Kelly (and maybe Brooke; haven’t seen her to ask if she’s coming). I’m really looking forward to it. I haven’t been on a bike since 1997! Time to see if the phrase “it’s just like riding a bicycle” is a viable simile.

Hmm, hope I don’t fall on my face.