Ugh.

Last night I seemed to pull a muscle in my back, above my right hip. I took some Advil and was able to sleep. This morning it wasn’t as painful, but I could still feel it.

I didn’t feel like leaving the apartment, so I stayed in and did my usual crunches, wuss-pushups and leg lifts, plus the calf raises I’ve been forgetting to do. No stairclimber or treadmill in here, though. Oh well.

I really don’t feel all that good today. Hopefully work won’t be too stressful.

Sometimes I don’t write what I’m thinking here. Part of it is because I’m afraid that when whatever it is I’m thinking of doesn’t come to fruition, I’ll look stupid, or whiny, or overemotional. And part of it is because I have a weird superstition that if I talk about something, it won’t come true. That’s why, for the past week or so, I didn’t post anything about thinking I was pregnant, though I did post oblique clues. I finally did post that I had taken the pregnancy test…but by then it was out of desperation. I couldn’t find the answer I wanted on my own, so I was waiting for someone out there to give me hope, by agreeing that the hormone levels might not be right to make a home test register as positive, or that my symptoms seemed like those of a pregnancy, or that yes, I should have had another period by now, even though I hadn’t had one in five years until May and there’s no particular reason they should all of a sudden be regular now.

That affirmation didn’t come, but I didn’t know that when I decided to finally tell Sean.

I figured he would think I was stupid for taking a pregnancy test. I figured he would think that there’s no way I could get pregnant without the help of an endocrinologist.

I figured right, but he didn’t ridicule me. He does love me, after all.

I told him how I’d been having feelings of nausea, how I’d been tired, and how my period is three weeks late. I told him I took a test and it was negative.

“Well, that’s to be expected,” he said.

Surely he didn’t understand, I thought. Just because a doctor says something doesn’t mean it’s true. Medicine is built on best-guesses. “So…I just wanted to ask how long you think we should wait before asking the doctor about it.”

“About what? If you’re pregnant?” His voice had a note of disbelief in it.

“Or whatever, about why I haven’t had another period,” I said.

“We know why that is, though.”

I blinked. “No, we don’t.”

Sean had that patient look on his face. “The doctor said your system is messed up.”

“But–” Why did I have a period then?

He seemed to anticipate the question. “That period you had was a fluke. It won’t happen again.”

Now I was irritated. “He never said that. He never said anything about my periods stopping.”

Sean wrapped his arms around me. “I think you should go to the endocrinologist so you can see why the doctor wanted you to go there. You can have a test if you want. If you’re pregnant now, that’s fine, but I don’t think that’s what it is.”

“But I’ve been nauseated,” I repeated. “Today I really almost threw up.” It was true; I heaved over the toilet for quite some time, though nothing came of it.

“Stephen threw up a lot last week,” Sean said, as if that settled everything. How some guy out West vomiting had anything to do with me, I couldn’t quite see. I think the gist was ‘people get sick’. But not me…I don’t throw up. I just don’t. I don’t feel nauseated like this. “It could be the heat,” Sean continued. “This heat’ll make you nauseous.”

“Yeah, I guess,” I said, nodding, but not believing a word of it. I’ve been mildly nauseated from workouts and heat before. This is different. This is me, sitting calmly in a chair under a fan in the air conditioning, feeling like I’m going to wretch out my guts.

But I can’t prove that it’s different, can I? What if it’s only different psychosomatically?

And what if it’s allergies, like my coworker said?

I tried to get at least partially back on track. “So…you want me to have an appointment with the endocrinologist.”

He chuckled and hugged me again. “If you want to.” After a beat, he added, “But I don’t want you to start treatments now.”

“I know you don’t,” I said. “I don’t want to start them now either.”

That was basically true. If I got pregnant now, naturally, without treatments, I would be ecstatic. But financially, I would choose to wait. Though not long. I don’t want to wait long. I want to have a child while I’m still in my twenties.

“Okay,” he said.

I hugged him and said, “I wish doctors would give you stuff in writing. You know, a nice letter that explains exactly how it is, instead of having a nurse tell you vaguely over the phone.” He sort of chuckled, and that was pretty much the end of that.

I wish it would just happen. I wish I was pregnant right now. I’m sort of scared that if we try to schedule it, it’ll never get done.

We are both so disorganized. Our lease expired last month and we didn’t know it until one of the office girls showed up today to see if we’d moved out. Sean has a sort of “Whatever happens, happens” attitude towards life, and he expects all service providers to give him adequate notice of anything pressing. I don’t do the bills, so it wasn’t my jurisdiction anyway.

Maybe people like us don’t have any business having kids…but I’m working at improving myself. I think being a parent is the most important and difficult and rewarding work there is, and I want to rise to that challenge. I’ve looked forward to it my whole life.

So, here I am, still thinking I’m pregnant despite the negative test, just sort of waiting and wondering.

One disturbing thought I’ve also been having…if I’m not pregnant, and I’m just not going to have any more periods…what would that mean? Would that change anything?

It’s about bedtime, but I think I’ll watch some Hikaru no Go before I go (though I’ve been all choked up and sobbing at silly parts–sometimes with joy, sometimes with sorrow, but all mostly because I love Sai, I think he’s one of the best characters in any show ever, and I miss him terribly).

Whatever it is, I feel crappy. At one point part of my breakfast came up into the back of my throat. I sat calmly, very still, for quite some time before forcing it back down. I wonder if I’d feel better if I just threw up.

The headache has turned into sinus pressure, so that at least must be allergies, I guess.

One lap around complex

4 minutes on stairclimber (legs were dead after biking yesterday)

50 crunches

20 elbows-to-knees (been conveniently forgetting this one lately)

30 each side lats

30 each side obliques

50 back raises

20 wuss pushups

30 each side inner thigh lifts (outside)

30 each side inner thigh lifts (inside)

30 each side side leg lifts

20 scissor kicks (though today they were more like bicycle kicks)

20 each side glutes

The clock in the workout room was wrong. I had gotten up at around 4:15 due to having to pee, using that opportunity to take a pregnancy test, and not seeing the point in going back to sleep afterwards. So when I saw that the clock said 6:00, I disbelieved…but just in case, I came back to the apartment. It was only 5:15.

I have a mild cough–not the rattling kind yet, but we’ll see. I also seem to be developing a splitting headache. Stress? :P

I’m going to have McDonald’s for breakfast, I think. I also think I’m going to be very happy when I get to come home at 11. I’m going to go straight to bed, if I’m still feeling then the way I do now.

Instead of just accepting that my weird feelings of late–most notably occasional mild nausea, ravenous hunger, and sudden, irrational over-emotionalism–were simply the products of my body adjusting to its new lifestyle, I decided–don’t be too shocked, now–that I must be pregnant! Yeah, I know, you’d think I’d learn, wouldn’t you?

The sad thing is, even now I’m thinking “Well the test might not be accurate because I’m a special case…my hormone levels might not be in the normal range.” Bleh. The gyn said you have to see an endocrinologist to conceive, Heather.

I don’t think “bajong” means anything. It’s onomatopoeia for me leaping into the air with a grin so wide it’s painful to look at.

I had to stay a little late at work today because Mike called in and Robert was just getting in to the airport. In the end, Wanda had to drive out and get him, because his car crapped out again. I finally headed home at around 2:10, which means I got three more hours than I was supposed to today. Yee. This half-time thing isn’t really working out, is it? ;>

Anyway, I went by Wal-Mart to grab the shampoo and conditioner that I’d forgotten yesterday, then stopped at a fresh vegetable stand and looked around. I didn’t buy anything, though, because I didn’t need any of the stuff they were selling ^^;;

I really, really want to discuss the interesting stools I’ve been having lately, but in fear of AJ calling me Bronwyn–even though I did not take pictures, thankyouverymuch–I will just remark that yes, I have in fact been having interesting stools lately. (I don’t know what’s up with my compulsion to discuss the intimate details of my digestive system–hell, any of my bodily systems–with people. I think it’s a combination of the facts that 1) I did a lot of that during my hospital stay; 2) my mom’s a nurse; 3) I find bodily functions fascinating, for some unknown reason.)

Odd fact: something called Trakken is running Blogger’s comments. And we all thought it was in-house! (Well, I did, anyway…) [Edit: Actually, it seems to be running everything that sends email…posts and comments alike. It also seems to be having some problems at this time. -HM, 3:30pm]

One lap around complex with handweights

Nice long stretching routine

5 minutes on stairclimber

50 crunches

30 each side lats

30 each side obliques

50 back raises

25 (+5) wuss pushups

30 (+10) each side inside inner thigh raises

30 (+10) each side outside inner thigh raises

30 (+10) each side side leg lifts

20 scissor kicks

20 each side kneeling leg raises (for glutes; new)

20 tip-toe raises (for calves; new)

I felt a little off this morning, but I found myself doing my workout automatically anyway. It’s really becoming part of my daily routine, I guess.

I managed to make Sean’s lunch this morning, too, which is good.

Last night we had the oh-so-healthy hotdogs and macaroni and cheese, but tonight I think I’m going to make mini meatloaves. (You know, I don’t think those are any healthier…) I’ll probably make mashed potatoes too, and maybe steam some broccoli. I was unhappy with the last time I steamed broccoli from this particular bunch, so I’m not sure if it’ll be good or not. The best broccoli crowns I’ve had have been from Winn-Dixie, though the Wal-Mart ones are fine too. Maybe Publix just doesn’t get good broccoli, or maybe broccoli is out of season?

At any rate, I have to go by Publix again today because I forgot shampoo and conditioner…even though they were both right there on my list, which I was looking at while I was in the store. Bleh!

I’ve been thinking that if/when I get pregnant, we can probably stay in this apartment for about a year before we have to get a bigger place. But we’ll definitely need to move somewhere with three bedrooms after that. One for us, one for baby, one for computers :> I’d actually like to have something more like a “den” for our computer stuff, but we’ll see how that goes.

If we do move, I’ve been wondering if we should just get a bigger apartment, or go for a house. I know a house payment would probably be lower than rent for a bigger apartment here at Spring House, so…

Anyway, off to work :)

@_@

I can’t wait! Just two more hours! It’s unbelievable!

*grinning like a dork*

One lap around apartment complex with handweights

5 minutes on stairclimber

50 crunches

30 each side lats

30 each side obliques

50 back raises

20 wuss pushups

20 each side inner thigh raises

20 each side inner thigh opposite-leg-over-knee

20 each side side leg lifts

20 scissor kicks

Came back after that, thinking that I needed to make Sean’s lunch, but when I got here I remembered that we used up all the bread yesterday making tuna fish sandwiches for Mari, Kelly, and Chris. (Sean did figure out what was up with Kelly’s new computer, which was good–sort of. As Sean put it, “Do you want the bad news, or the bad news?”)

So I may go ahead and stick some ramen in his lunch box, and maybe those leftover Krystals, but I won’t be horribly offended if he goes out to eat instead.

As for me, I really ought to make a lunch for myself, but I’m not sure what to make. I guess I could try to make a salad, but I don’t have any meat prepared…though I guess I could use lunchmeat. (I guess I don’t really have any excuses.)

I’m making a grocery list for when I get off work today (at 11! wh00t!), and I keep thinking I’m forgetting something…

There were loads of bugs in the workout room today. I hate lying on that floor doing crunches or leg lifts and wondering if a spider is about to crawl onto me ;P

I plan on doing some sort of exercise after I get home this afternoon. I may try pilates, since I still haven’t messed around with the stuff Brooke lent me. We’ll see. (To be honest, I didn’t like it very much when we tried it at her house. The movements seemed really easy, and yet I couldn’t do them. It made me feel really inferior :> As with everything, practice is required. I just don’t like feeling so far behind right at the outset, I guess.)

Still haven’t had my next period. The last one started on May 16 and ended around May 23. So I guess it’ll be three weeks late come Wednesday (though I could be mistaken; I’ve never bothered charting a period before). I don’t know if that means anything, since the period came out of nowhere, but given the strength of the first one, I guess I just assumed that it would go normally from now on. (Then again, I’m not sure how regular my periods were before.)

Still need to shower, so I’m off for now–oh, before I go, let me mention that I’m getting better at the wuss pushups, and I may either increase the number or start trying to do real ones soon. It really helps to not sit around thinking “I suck at pushups, I’ve always sucked at pushups, and I’ll never be able to do them right”, and instead just go ahead and do them.

This journal has been awarded the prestigious “Sammy” Award, given only to people who comment to Sam that nothing written on their journals will win any awards.

I am, obviously, flattered and honored by this surprise achievement.

;>

You’ll note that the Photography link in the About section has changed. It now points to my site at smugmug. I’m in the process of uploading pictures from my summer 2001 Japan trip. When I’m done with that I’ll probably do my honeymoon pictures (also Japan), and maybe my pictures of Savannah. I’m going to eventually have a gallery where people can buy prints, but I’m going to carefully select each photo for that gallery rather than just let people buy prints of any old thing. That way, people will know that I’ve hand-selected the good ones for them to choose from.

Of course, maybe no one will buy any…I’m not a professional photographer by any means, so I don’t even know if my pictures will be appealing. I’ve been complimented by people who don’t do photography, but my standing among actual photographers is nonexistent.

I’d like to try and get better, but photography is one of the many things that I’m sort of good at that I will have to work harder to improve at. It’s always hard for me to choose from among those options. In fact, I’m not sure I’ve ever done it, except under duress.

Anyway, if you’d like to sign up for smugmug, I’d appreciate a referral. Put either my regular email address (not the AMRN one) or the following code: pdl2RSsjWeOR6 into the “Referred By” field when signing up.

I told AJ in the comments to my last post that I’ve had more energy, but that I’ve also been ravenously hungry. I’m starting to wonder if the first one is true. (The second one definitely is…I not only had two cheese hot dogs and chips/dip for lunch, but I stopped on my way back to work to get a huge chocolate milkshake at R. Gabriel’s. It was like a craving that I couldn’t ignore.)

It seems like lately I’ve been tired a lot, and I’ve taken an inordinate amount of naps. I don’t know, it just doesn’t seem normal somehow. I feel like I should be able to function during the daylight hours and sleep at night and not feel overwhelmed or extraordinarily tired like I have been.

Mom thinks that I’ve been working too much, so when my hours drop by half next week maybe things will get better. However, the following week I’m back to full time to cover for Wanda going on vacation. I’m not sure what my hours will do after that. The half time hours would probably be fine…I remember liking that schedule back when I had it before. I’ll still be getting up at 5 and going in at 7, though.

Sean agrees that my schedule might be the problem…”Early in the morning until late in the eve” is how he put it. (I love how he says “eve” instead of “evening” or “night”. Where did he get that?)

So anyway…we’ll see, I guess.

I only managed to get one load of laundry done today, due to taking a stupid nap. With the two I did yesterday, that leaves one more for tomorrow. Stupid laundry.

I also made dinner–seasoned steak, steamed broccoli, and cheesy scalloped potatoes–and emptied the dishwasher, both of which seemed like nigh-impossible feats as I was doing them. The steak is okay, but the broccoli isn’t all that good for some reason. I guess it’s because usually I cut the crowns in half, but I didn’t this time. Bleh.

Tomorrow Sean and I are going to see Spider-Man 2 with Adam, and then we’re going to eat something, and then we’re going to watch mucho Prince of Tennis. I’m looking forward to it. On Sunday Sean is going to help Kelly with his new media box, and then I don’t know what all is going on. We never go see the fireworks or anything…I don’t know if that will change this year or not.

Hope I get to sleep in tomorrow, because even though I napped from like 7 until 9:30, bed still sounds very, very appealing. ;P

I got up late, and it was raining, so I went straight to the workout room. 10 minutes on the treadmill, increasing the pace towards the middle and then decreasing at the end, and then the following:

Crunches (+10): 50

Elbows-to-Knees (+10): 30

Lats (each side; +10): 30

Obliques (each side; +10): 30

Back raises (+10): 50

Wuss Pushups: 20

Outside thigh raises (each side): 20

Inside thigh raises (each side): 20

Leg Lifts (each side): 20

Scissor Kicks (total): 20

No stairclimber today, because last night at bike riding my quads felt like lead. Just a huge mass of immovable substance that was way, way heavy. I figured they didn’t need the punishment…that and I was low on time.

My new coworker Wanda is bringing me a biscuit from McDonald’s for breakfast this morning, but it won’t be until 9 or 10 when she comes in, so I’m going to take a Slim Fast with me just in case.

I watched Sailor Moon 37 yesterday during my lunch break (I really had no time to do anything yesterday o_o). It was, well, awesome. A return to normalcy, but with a twist. And that ending cliffhanger was just evil…

I think once I get past DAY TWENTY, I’m going to just start using numerals.

One lap of “power walking” around the complex with handweights, five minutes on the stairclimber, 40 crunches, 20 knees-to-elbows, 20 both side laterals, 20 both side side-lifts, 40 back raises, 20 wuss-pushups. 20 each side inner thigh raises, 20 each side inner thigh raises with opposite leg wrapped over it, 20 each side regular leg raises. 20 quasi-“scissor kicks” (which were really hard after all those crunches). Five minutes on the treadmill.

Came back and made Sean’s lunch and started the dishwasher.

I may be able to get a good deal on a flight back to Lexington, so I’m going to look into doing that for sometime towards the end of this month. It would be really cool to be able to fly out of Augusta and into Lexington for cheap, and not have to drive for like 8 hours.

Gotta drink my Slim Fast and take my shower. Bye!