Sean’s away at his LAN party this weekend, and I’ve basically spent all my time home alone. I haven’t felt like going anywhere or doing anything, other than a quick trip yesterday to pick up dinner. I have had some oatmeal today, but I’m not sure what else I’m going to eat.

Yesterday I spent awhile reading Jennifer Government, and I watched BSSM 35 and 36 and two episodes of Hikaru no Go (the introduction of Mitani). Today I didn’t really feel like doing any of that, so after piddling around online for awhile I pulled out all my old diaries and started looking for interesting entries to post to my site. That’s essentially what I’ve been doing all day, since around 11 am.

When making posts to my Diary section, I try to keep the look and feel the same as what I have in front of me, be it notebook paper or a computer printout. I leave the typos and misspellings in on purpose. I’ve considered adding some notes in brackets, but ultimately I didn’t want to disturb the flow.

The first item I posted was sort of a brief autobiography that I wrote in 1992. I was fond of starting out new diaries with longwinded explanations of myself.

It’s interesting to me how much I apparently used to like pizza. It’s also interesting how I sort of blew past important issues, like Kitty’s cancer, and obsessed over silly things like TV shows and bragging about my academic achievements. That’s youth for you…

The second one is a bit of a departure. It really illustrates how unhappy I was at my new school. I remember that day vividly. Those girls I got to “play” with were popular, and I didn’t think that I was worthy of them. Having them spend time with me seemed like an amazing gift. At the same time, I felt that I didn’t really fit in, and that I shouldn’t be intruding. It was a horrible way to feel, even if I was ecstatic about it.

This is just silly. I think Lion-O is AJ, Panthro is Dad, Wily Kat is Ben, and Cheetara is Mom. But I’m not sure, because typically AJ and I were Wily Kit and Wily Kat, so maybe Ben was Lion-O. Anyway, I’m not sure why I was pretending we were all Thundercats, but I recall that we used to do that a lot.

I wonder what I was in trouble for. Isn’t it funny that going to bed was such a horrible punishment?

I found the entry where I wrote about Alex, the guy I basically led on during the Beta Convention in Louisville. I was just so confused back then. I didn’t know how to act, and I didn’t think I was attractive. I was afraid he was going to take advantage of me, too. I remember Michael telling me at the time that Alex was probably just as scared as I was, but I didn’t believe him.

Michael was probably right. I wonder what else he was right about, back then.

Here’s the “resolution” (as it were) of the Alex saga.

Apparently during GSP, it was very important that cute guys find me interesting. (Who am I kidding? It’s probably still a factor to this day ;>)

I cracked up laughing reading this. My attempt at reproducing Jane Austen’s writing style didn’t go too badly, did it?

I vaguely remember that guy, Jason McN. There’s a picture of him in the GSP yearbook. I think I only liked him because he was cute.

(I should explain that jing-a-ling-a-ling thing…Dad’s friend Kenny used to sing a country song that went “I’ve got some change in my pocket goin’ jing-a-ling-a-ling”, but back then I always thought he was saying “keys” instead of “change”.)

Here is the first place where I mention my belief that Matt G. liked me. As you can see, I was being superficial and stupid, and avoiding what my own feelings might have been. Rather reminiscent of the Alex situation, isn’t it? (And yeah, his looks were a ridiculous reason, because as anyone who has visited his website knows, he is totally hot.)

A theme in some of my younger posts is having milk-and-cookies before bed. This was probably not a very good idea. Food seemed to factor hugely in my life when I was a child.

In this particular post, I mention writing a story. I don’t know where that story is or what it’s about. I also mention something called a “G”, and I have no idea what that is. And finally, I must say that when I came across the line “When I grow up, I will live in the wilderness.”, plunked right in the middle of the entry with no reasoning whatsoever, I laughed out loud.

Yeah, I ate a lot as a kid.

When you’re a kid, you can draw posters for absolutely no reason and it makes perfect sense.

I remember that Bangladesh project. Most vividly, I remember making a traditional Bangladesh dessert. The name was something like “barfy”, which we found amusing to no end. I left the leftovers in the Geography classroom, where a moronic student in a later class period licked it all off the pan. Mr. Ash was really apologetic, and he cleaned the pan for me, but that didn’t curb my ire one bit. I had wanted to eat the leftovers!!

This entry mentions obliquely an interesting thing that happened when I transitioned to middle school. When I had first come to public school, for fourth grade, I was pretty much an outcast. I found everyone to be mean and selfish, and so I’m pretty sure that I was snobby to them. This resulted in me getting picked on a lot. When I finally found some friends, they weren’t the popular kids, they were sort of geeky–and yet not good students, either. They were good friends, though, and I appreciated them.

One of those friends was Melissa, who lived down the street from me and therefore rode the same bus. We were best friends through fifth grade.

Then, in sixth grade, I got into the higher level classes, while Melissa stayed in average ones. I met Noelle Mitchell, who was smart and friendly and sweet, and she became my new best friend. At the time I wasn’t thinking about how I was jilting Melissa…it was just that I really liked Noelle and wanted to spend time with her. So, basically, I spent a lot of time being mad at Melissa for not “accepting” that Noelle was my best friend now. (I was a real gem, wasn’t I?)

Oh, and the Mark fellow I mention…he was sort of my boyfriend. Kind of. I remember he came over to my house and we hugged once. :>

Here, I actually mention making that wish that I could go into other “dimensions” where fictional characters live. I also mention Governor’s Cup, which was something that really made me feel special and unique. (I ended up with a really big head in middle school, though…)

Three breakfasts! O_O

I still have my binders of TMNT and Darkwing Duck stories. I should type them up sometime…but it would be a project, as there are quite a few of them.

I knew that I was in the bad habit of sneaking food, but I didn’t remember ever collaborating with AJ on such a project.

I don’t remember who Bruno Leon is. Obviously that’s a chosen name for some guy in my French class. Surely that’s not his real name. (My chosen name in French class was Julie-Alice. Duncan, aka Mr. Make My Heart Skip a Beat Why Don’t You, was known as Xavier.)

All that “drama” with kung fu class really bothered me at the time. I believed that our instructor could do no wrong back then. It took awhile; the original students all dropped out and my friends and I became the highest ranked in the class before I started to realize that he was just as fallible as the rest of us, and that I didn’t like the direction he was going. I would like to do something like kung fu again someday, but I think I will end up being really picky about joining a class.

And that’s all of them for today. I may post more later, but I’m tired of typing them out ;)

It’s been fun revisiting my memories, especially the younger ones, because I think those are hilarious. The teenage ones are pretty enlightening, too.

I think I spent today doing this because I wanted to retreat into myself for awhile. I’m not looking forward to tomorrow. I am going back to work, but I’m not sure what will happen.

Wish me luck.

Geez, it’s the last day! And 14 min after midnight! And I’m going home in 10 1/2 hours! For good!!

I’ve just been reading this journal and it doesn’t even begin to adequately describe my experiences here. It barely scratches the surface. Hopefully the sigs & messages in the back, along with my scrapbook, will help me to remember. In the meantime, I’ll try to highlight my fave moments:

1. The Star Wars movies, July 16, 17, & 18. There were some tense times concerning those. “Star Wars” went off without a hitch, but “Empire” wasn’t rewound & I barely found the projectionist in time for “Jedi”! Whew! But I pulled it off. Now I’m basically famous. :)
2. Being named “most radical” in my hall, July 20. This occurred basically because I dyed my hair red. (Pink would be a more accurate term :).) Right now I have a moon tatoo on my neck. Nifty. But today the girls on my hall kinda flashed F2…I didn’t really care to get in on that!! Oh well, can’t be totally insane…:)
3. Hanging out with Shannon. She’s basically my best friend here, and we’ve spent most of our time together. We’re in astronomy, so we shared some cloudy cowfields.
4. Astronomy. We never, ever had a clear night in a cowfield. Ever. So we didn’t get to do as much as we should have. But we can’t control the weather…meanwhile, we watched tons of great movies, like “2001” and “Stargate” and “Darkstar” and “The Day the Earth Stood Still”. (Klatuu Baratta Nikto, It’s so quiet in here, Doolittle – Tastes like chicken! – The earth was without form, lifeless, and I was pleased – Let there be light! – I wouldn’t do that if I were you…) – and of course we must have some Star Wars quotes: “Will somebody get this big walking carpet outta my way?” “I have a very bad feeling about this.” “It’s not my fault!” “Free us, or die.” “He’s no Jedi.” “Many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view.” “Strong am I in the Force…but not that strong.” “Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny–consume you it will!”
5. Hanging out with Matt, Mike, and Shannon. Much to your surprise, I did NOT spend all my time sulking and drooling over guys. (It just happened that I only wrote in my journal during those times.)–testing a new pen…—

   DAMN! Stupid pens’re running outta ink!!

6. Playing piano. I used music to express my feelings when I needed to–it was great.
7. Talking to Doug Griggs. My problem-solving teacher is so cool. I love him! He’s insightful & thoughtful. His class has been very challenging! :)
8. Seminar. It’s been fun, once I got over Drew. Well, I probably won’t be totallyover him, but at least I’m not panting after him.*INSERTED THOUGHT*: tonight (last night) was the Final Banquet. We sat w/Focus Area. I was across from Matt & next to Shannon. Mike was next to Matt. I was about to mention something about looking for cute waiters when Matt yelled at me, “Stop lusting!” I couldn’t stop laughing for at least 5 minutes. See, spending time with Matt is great fun!!

   *ANOTHER INSERTED THOUGHT*: Matt wrote that he had something to tell me before we leave. I wonder what he meant. What could he say? I’ve thought that maybe he’s fallen for me, and I wonder how I’d react. I like Matt, but I don’t know if I like him that way. I don’t know if I’m hung up on looks, or what. But then again I don’t know if that’s what he wants to tell me or not.

   I remember we were sitting on One-Tree-Hill one night talking about love. He said he’s never been in love. I told him about my semi-Duncan love. He said that he was sad about never getting a close relationship with a girl. The thought entered my mind that I could learn over and kiss him and change his life. I know I blushed, and I certainly restrained myself. I don’t even know if we like each other.

   But anyway…:)

9. Picture-taking. I’ve managed to take some good pix, and I hope they’ll be sufficient to help me remember GSP.
10. Scrapbook. I’ve been saving little items and these I’ve put in a photo album. I’ll put photos in the front. It’ll be cool.

Gonna stop now!

The reader will pardon me, for any change he may see in my writing; for I have adapted my style, to coincide with that of Jane Austin, whose novel, I have finished this afternoon.

In the abovementioned novel it is obvious when two people, are going to be married. There was no surprise at the end, but a happy end notwithstanding. I find that in my life, it is much harder, to perceive the affexions of a member of the opposite sex; their behavior is to me, very baffling. And so it is to no great surprise, that I am dateless this evening for the Showcase. It is not necessarily a fete requiring an escort, but on my part, the escort, will be sorely missed. I refer of course to a particular person, the attentions of whom I have no cause or right to expect, yet my heart longs after him. But after such a grievous mistake as has been made the evening previous, I doubt he pays me any mind at all, except occasionally to shudder, at my impudence and silliness.

I saw him today at dinner, but dared not join him, for I knew none that were in his company; approaching him, therefore, would be forward. I ate in solitude, trying not to allow my eyes, to wander to his table. This was all in vain, since not looking at him is quite impossible.

As I left the room I greeted him in the least civil manner without being rude, and his greeting of me, was matching in its abruptness and apparent lack of interest. I am certain, that he is quite worried to speak to me, as I have lowered myself in front of him so plainly and stupidly. I cannot realize that he may never return my affections, for my life has always been filled with unrealised dreams.

This being said, I would like to assure the reader, that I am perfectly happy with my station in life, and although it brings me sorrow to think that I may always be an old maid, I will try to do a service, to my position in society.

That was interesting, was it not? Writing it, I had to vary my expressions to match those of Austen; not extremely difficult, although it did require me not to cite actual conversations.

The violins and trumpets hail the approach of Darth Vader, and the reader knows I listen to the Imperial March.

After such a digression it is hard to go on without reciting some anecdote from the Star Wars universe; but I will restrain myself.

If the reader has been intimate with me the past few days, he knows that the preceding Austen passage’s pivotal point has been Jason [full name redacted], although I feel it necessary to mention that I did not have his full name memorized, I had to look it up. So there!

This, of course, proves nothing. Being a fairly absent-minded person, I can admire things of which I know not the name (Awkward sentence, just to avoid a dangling preposition–though I suppose it would be considered everyday speech in Austen’s time.)

As a matter of fact, I admired Jason for two or three days without knowing his name.

I wish I could just take him aside and say, “The first time I saw you, you smiled at me, and I can be quite the assuming person, so I thought there could be a chance of something between us. But recent events–including my realization that you never think about quantum physics–have made me realize that you were only smiling at me in a friendly way, as you smile to everyone. I am not saying that a relationship between us is an absurd idea; I’m saying that I read too much into a look. I am not in love with you–I’ve never been in love with anyone. However, you do seem to be a well-rounded person and very likeable, and I would certainly enjoy continuing your acquantaince, though certainly without any hidden desires or silliness on my part. All I desire is a friendship, and it bothers me when my assuming nature drives so many people who could be my friends away.”

Whew! I have never in my life been able to vocalize my feelings of that nature with so much accuracy and yet so much discretion.

–To be completely off the subject, the original version of “The Asteroid Field” is horrendous and I’m glad John Williams was able to fix it.–

Well. I certainly have had a lot to say. I was going to write about MP, since Rebecca Shoemaker remarked that Jason reminds her of him. (This news, of course, put me almost into a state of shock. If I were a weaker person, my heart probably would have failed and I would have spent the rest of the 5 weeks hospitalized. What I know of MP, and the extreme circumstances the two of us had an enormous chance of being involved in, is enough to still scare me out of my mind. I can tell you one thing–I’m glad I’m not [his wife], to be sure!)

But. I don’t feel like writing much longer. I wish to go mingle with the commoners, so to speak. Before the Showcase, which starts at 8. So I’ll put my keys in my pocket (goin’ jing-a-ling-a-ling) and be on my way. Adieu!