life – Page 10 – p i x e l s c r i b b l e s

CHF Recovery: Day 8

September 21, 2016

So, here’s a bit of TMI to start out our day.

When I was in the hospital (which was the night of September 8 through around noon on September 11), they gave me my depression medication, but they did not give me any birth control. Birth control is what regulates my periods. I was due to go off the birth control/start on the placebo today, September 21, and with the way my cycle has been, that would mean I would actually start my period on Friday, September 23 and it would last until next Tuesday or Wednesday. This is a standard period of five to six days.

However, because I went off the birth control early, my period decided to start early too. I started spotting on September 12, and it began in force on September 13. It’s September 21 now, which means I’ve been having my period for nine days.

I started taking my normal birth control right when I got home, but that obviously had no effect. I thought about just bumping the placebo up, but ultimately I did not do that, which means I now have a week of placebo ahead. I’m sort of worried this means I will have a period for this entire time. I mean…eventually I’ll run out of uterine lining, right?

Sigh.

In any case, I have an appointment today, so I’m going to try to get my morning routine done more quickly.

Weighed myself
Had my protein shake and morning meds
Read stuff online
Went to appointment
Did more reading online but felt very mentally tired
Took a nap from 2:00 to 4:30
Cleaned rotten food that should have been cooked last week out of the refrigerator
Cooked dinner: unseasoned chicken breast, unseasoned basmati rice, unseasoned steamed green beans (I threw some pepper on at the end though)
Ate dinner and took mealtime meds

Note 6:15pm: My appointment was with a therapist. I am supposed to pay attention to what I criticize myself about now. I need to figure out a place to put that. I do a lot of criticizing myself.

I feel very overwhelmed by all the stuff I need to do, even though it’s not all that much stuff.

Created a spreadsheet to track self-criticisms
Realized that I hadn’t eaten very many calories, so had a cookie, because that’s healthy lol
Oh whoops there’s another criticism
Went on a 30-minute walk with a 5-minute cooldown
Took a shower at like 8:45pm!
Sat around reading, and also wrote a tiny ficlet about Kylo Ren

I didn’t hit my calorie limit and I only had half the amount of sodium I could have today. This seems surreal, but I’ll go with it I guess. Tomorrow I’ll try to make sure and eat lunch.

CHF Recovery: Day 7

Here’s my junk for September 20, 2016.

Slept in until around 8:30
Took meds and drank protein shake
Sat around online all morning

Note 11am: I am now going on my walk, damn it. Need to get back on track.

Walked 30 minutes with a 5-minute cooldown
Rested
Showered and got dressed
Ate the rest of my personal pan pizza for lunch
Made a couple of Important Phone Calls
Relaxed and read stories
Got a protein bistro box and a chai latte from Starbucks for dinner

Note 6:30pm: I have just learned that the fruit and cheese bistro box and the PB&J on wheat bistro box both have one more gram of protein than the protein bistro box. Why is it called the protein bistro box? hahaha. The fruit and cheese one has basically equivalent sodium, so I can switch things up a bit in the future! The PB&J one has 100 more milligrams of sodium, so I’d have to watch it with that one.

Had mealtime meds with dinner
Basically sat around reading all evening
Went to bed around 11pm

CHF Recovery: Day 6

Catching up; here’s September 19, 2016.

Did not exercise
Did not even change out of my pajamas
Spent all day on the computer reading stories
Thought about watching TV but did not

I guess the only thing I accomplished was moving my computer from the master bedroom back into the office. I took it slow so I wouldn’t strain myself.

For food I basically ate a ton of snacks that we had in the house, and finished the sashimi from the day before. By dinnertime I was really craving pizza so I let myself have some. I ordered a personal pan pizza and ate half of it. I went a little over on sodium, but not horribly so.

This was not a great day. Hoping to get back on track. Maybe I needed some rest. I dunno.

CHF Recovery: Day 5

I’ve fallen behind on these, so here’s what I did on September 18, 2016.

This was a fairly busy day. Sean and I had to go to an appointment and then I had to take him directly to the airport. We realized somewhat belatedly that we hadn’t done laundry, so we threw a load into the washer, got ourselves cleaned up, and then put the laundry in the dryer while we went out to brunch. We got back, got him packed, and headed off to our appointment. Success.

I did not do any exercise this day that I can think of. But I did log my food in MyFitnessPal as I’ve been doing every day.

For dinner I took myself out for sashimi. I had used up most of my daily sodium on brunch (I somehow forgot what “cured” means when I decided on the citrus cured salmon). Raw fish with no rice and no soup beforehand is pretty low in sodium. I went to SunO afterwards and had some shaved ice, which is also low in sodium but high in sugar. Oh well.

CHF Recovery: Day 4

For September 17, 2016, here’s some stuff.

Woke up naturally at around 7:30 (after going back to bed around 3:30).
Had protein shake and took morning meds.
Ate some trail mix and fiddled around online until it was time to go to JapanFest. (I had to stop reading chapter 21 of Under the Ruins… right after a Very Exciting Scene and I am looking forward to getting back to it)
Drove to JapanFest. Briefly wondered if it was wise to drive on the interstate, but did fine.
From around noon till 2:30, walked around JapanFest with Charles and Heidi, occasionally stopping for rest breaks. It was fun but extremely crowded. I am counting this as my exercise for the day; it was a lot of standing and moving around, even if it wasn’t strenuous. The best part was getting to see Kumamon, the mascot character for Kumamoto Prefecture.
Somewhere in there I ate lunch. I gave up on guessing which Japanese food would have the least amount of sodium and just bought prepackaged stuff: curry bread and mojimi red bean cakes.
I got home around 4 and Sean was just then having dinner, so I ate some snacks and took my heart medicine with them.
Basically relaxed for the rest of the day. Ate macaroni and cheese at 9pm.
Went to bed at 11:45.

CHF Recovery: Day 3

Stuff for Friday, September 16, 2016

Due to staying up late, slept in till 8:30
Drank protein shake and took morning meds

Note 10:05am: I am really depressed this morning. Mainly because I wrote a short story yesterday and did not get flooded with accolades overnight. I hate how dependent I am on praise/validation. I’m hoping my walk will help.

Dressed in workout clothes
Went on 30-minute walk with 5-minute warmup and 5-minute cooldown
Rested and ate a yogurt
Showered, and actually shaved!

Note 12:23pm: Okay wow, they say exercise is good for depression and it is true. I pushed myself on my walk, not too hard but enough—I walked up steep hills and even jogged a little. The weather was beautiful and when I was done I felt great. I didn’t care about my story not getting comments anymore. I felt very positive about the future and my ability to do things if I try. After resting I took a shower and felt good enough to stand there and shave my legs, which I hadn’t done in quite some time. It’s so nice to wear shorts again.

I’m going to lie down a bit, but I’m still feeling good. I’m glad I had that walk.

Took a nap for about an hour and a half
At Sean’s suggestion, went up the road to Smoothie King and got a Greek yogurt smoothie for lunch
Did some reading
Felt kind of cruddy so went back to bed at about 5:30pm…and slept until 12:30am! o_o
Got up and quickly ate a Lunchable so I could take my mealtime meds

Note 1:37am: Well, I have destroyed my sleep schedule probably, but I feel okay. I didn’t really eat enough yesterday, but since I overate the day before, maybe it balances out. This weekend is JapanFest and I’m going to go, but I won’t be as active as I have in years past I guess! I may have to leave early, even. We’ll see. I’m also not sure how eating will be, I usually have lunch there but I have a feeling all the food will be really salty. Guess I’ll find out tomorrow.

CHF Recovery: Day 2

Here’s what I did on Thursday, September 15:

Drank protein shake and took morning meds
Got dressed in workout clothes
Walked for 30 minutes, this time hiking down to the river
Sat on the couch and rested for awhile while talking with Mom and Connor on Skype
Fried myself an egg and made a piece of toast, still on Skype
Ate my second breakfast and finished the Skype call
Hung up the jackets I’d left lying on the floor yesterday
Took a shower and dressed normally (jeans and t-shirt, like yesterday)
Rested for awhile
Ate lunch (the second serving of the HelloFresh meal I made yesterday)
Rested some more (I thought about doing things but I felt tired)
Figured out what I could eat from Shane’s Rib Shack to stay under my sodium limit; went there with Sean to pick it up
Ate dinner and took mealtime meds
Watched 30 Rock
Wrote a couple very short stories
Took my bedtime meds and went to bed at 11:30

CHF Recovery: Day 1

Here are the things I accomplished on Wednesday, September 14.

Drank protein shake and took morning meds
Organized my closet a little (took the pile of jackets off my workout clothes)
Dressed in workout clothes
Went on 30-minute walk through neighborhood
Rested
Took a shower and dressed in regular clothes
Cooked a HelloFresh meal (it took three hours due to needing to rest throughout, but it came out great!)
Ate meal and watched Back to the Future
Set up MyFitnessPal with custom protein and sodium limits
Cleaned kitchen and started dishwasher
Napped for about an hour, until Sean came home and asked what to do for dinner
Relaxed while Sean made tuna sandwiches and creamed corn, since those things kept me under my sodium limit (I was pretty tired at this point)
Ate dinner and took evening meds
Watched The Clone Wars (finished the series) and otherwise relaxed for the rest of the evening
Took bedtime nutritional supplements and went to bed at 10:00

I left the jackets on the floor next to the hall closet. Never had the energy to hang them up. Sean thought this was hilarious.

Exercise: 30-minute walk, Sodium: 1923mg

Congestive Heart Failure, Take Two

That’s right, kids, I have congestive heart failure again!

Thursday night, September 8, I was lying in bed trying to get to sleep, but the pain and pressure in my chest was making it difficult to relax. I was also having trouble with breathing—air was going in just fine, but it felt like I wasn’t getting all of it, somehow. I’d had these symptoms for a few hours, and thought I was just stressed out (I have been stressed out a lot lately), so I hadn’t really done anything. But finally I asked my mom what she thought, and she told me to go to the ER.

I was given an EKG right off the bat and taken to a room in the ER pretty quickly. I spent several hours there, leaving only for a CT scan. They brought a portable X-ray machine right into the room, which was neat. I also had blood drawn and they took a urine sample. Since I was having trouble breathing, they put me on oxygen, which helped my chest pain a lot.

When the test results came back, they showed pulmonary edema. They decided to admit me at 4am, and got me into a room by 5:20. (It was now Friday, September 9.) I tried to sleep, but people kept coming in and waking me up. Eventually I was taken for an echocardiogram, which showed an ejection fraction between 25 and 30, just like the last time I had CHF. (I did not actually learn this until Saturday.) Later that same day I was taken for a cardiac catheterization, where they stick a catheter up the femoral artery to look at the arteries and heart. This confirmed that my arteries were fine and the problem was the heart muscle. It was also terrifying, because I had never had that done before, and I sort of started freaking out in the operating room. Thankfully, they gave me some sort of drug that made me very sleepy and blissfully ambivalent, and I didn’t feel anything thanks to the lidocaine.

After the cath I was finally allowed to eat. I hadn’t had any food since dinner the previous day, and dinner the previous day was a Lunchable because I was too stressed to cook anything. (I had at least had Shane’s chicken tenders for lunch.) Dinner was fantastic—I don’t know if it actually tasted that good or if it was just because I was starving. Due to the cath I was not allowed to raise my head, so Sean had to feed me, which was funny but also sweet.

One nice thing about this day in the hospital was that I was allowed to have cran-grape juice. It was delicious. Overnight someone brought me a bagel and some pudding because I was hungry, and that was good too.

The next day, Saturday, September 10, I was on the “cardiac diet,” which is low sodium and low sugar. Tastes as good as it sounds! Thankfully, I only had to endure one such meal, as I was released at 11:30. I will probably remember those cardboard pancakes for the rest of my life.

After being released, I basically tried to rest, as I was not allowed to drive or carry more than 10 pounds. I saw my doctor for an outpatient checkup on Tuesday, September 13. My instructions from her are as follows: 1) take my medication; 2) check my weight daily and call her if it changes rapidly; 3) get 30 minutes of moderate exercise each day; and 4) limit my sodium intake to 2000mg per day. I started with the exercise and sodium-watching yesterday, Wednesday, September 14. I’m using MyFitnessPal to track my weight and my food, and RunKeeper to track my walks. For now, I think walking is probably the best moderate exercise for me.

I cooked a meal yesterday. It should have taken about half an hour, but instead it took three hours, because I kept having to stop and rest. Having CHF is very frustrating. However, if I work hard, I will be able to strengthen my heart muscle and live normally again, so that’s my goal.

I am thinking I will make short posts each day to check off my accomplishments. Maybe I’ll include a note about how I’m feeling, maybe not. I just think it would be nice to have a record of things I did, to show my progress.

Anyway, there you go. I have CHF again. I was foolishly assuming that since I’m no longer obese, I wouldn’t be at risk for it anymore, but I guess I’m predisposed. This time it wasn’t even set off by an illness like last time; it was apparently caused by stress. So I may end up taking heart medication for the rest of my life. (A small price to pay to avoid hospitalization, though!)

The Book of Life Self-Knowledge Questionnaire

I stumbled across this questionnaire this morning, thought I’d take it and see what it thinks I am. Actually it seems rather accurate:

SHYNESS

Part of you is gripped by the fear that you’ll launch into something and completely mess it up. The upside of this is wise caution: people are indeed often too rash, whereas you know, by instinct, that holding back can save you. Probably, you feel shame and self-disgust a bit too much. But when you do feel in your element, you act with a wisdom and sensitivity never found in people with thicker skins.

AGGRESSION

One part of your character is anger in all its forms: frustration, outrage – and when anger is suppressed – bitterness, grumpiness, and bodily aches. Fundamentally, frustration comes from hope: you get upset because you expect your life will be more than a valley of tears. One way to deny aggression is to direct it inwards, as self-criticism. But you’re at your best when you acknowledge anger, and act it out clearly and in a focussed way, with honour.

PLAYFULNESS

You are good at seeing what’s funny, at relaxing and finding the pleasure of the moment. Play is random, whimsical, fantasy-driven behaviour which releases internal tension. Because it is detached from some pressures it allows you to act on weirder, perhaps neglected, parts of yourself. The downside is that it is no help in sticking with things that are not much fun but which need to be addressed. So it is well complemented by its opposite, Stoicism.

Recommendation for vendors at the Atlanta Ice Cream Festival

Sell sizes other than “huge”.

Seriously.

There are a ton of vendors at this thing. And it’s a festival about ice cream. Wouldn’t you want people to be able to try as many different options as possible?

Offer inexpensive “tasting” sizes so people can sample more of your flavors.

Sure, you can continue to serve up enormous mounds of ice cream in giant cups for people who want that. But give those of us who want to try more than one thing an option too. Please?

I don’t want to become a “member”, I just want to give you money

Don’t make my only option setting up recurring payments that “can be easily canceled later”.

Don’t send me a giant welcome packet with branded swag.

Don’t continually send me mail.

Don’t keep asking me to “renew” my “membership”.

Just let me make a donation, and then use that money to do whatever good thing your organization does.

That’s all I want.

Loss

A week into my “Dad’s dying” visit home, my iPhone decided to stop working. Mom and I took it to the Apple Store, but they couldn’t make it work either. I had fortunately copied all the pictures off it earlier in the week, but that meant, since I don’t use iCloud for photos, that particular week’s pictures were unsalvageable.

I can’t remember if I had taken any pictures of Dad that week.

The next week, he died.

I took some pictures with my replacement phone, and those were saved. But when I finally got home and restored my phone from backup, I lost everything else I’d done during that time. Actually, I lost everything since December, since that was the last time I’d backed up the phone. No pictures, but notes I’d written. Text messages.

I keep thinking about how the last text messages with my brother Ben had been “You need to come to the hospital.” And how there were other texts, evidence of my trip to New York in January. And diary-type stuff I wrote in notes, gone forever.

You’d think I’d be used to losing things by now.

fucking

why did he die?

life was just happening like normal

and then suddenly it’s like

okay your dad’s dying

okay your dad’s dead

(you watched him die)

seeing a picture of a backyard, not even your backyard but close enough, makes you want to cry

mother’s day makes you want to cry

you think about father’s day coming up and making some sort of happy father’s day post with a picture of his cremains because that’s all that’s left, right? that’s funny, right?

all these plans, all these what-ifs, they weren’t supposed to be needed so soon

mom planning to move

no more backyard, no more basement, no more house

it’s all gone anyway, everything’s gone, everything’s changed

you said things you can’t take back and ruined it all

you want to erase this entire year, almost

no, you do, you want to erase it all, even the good stuff, because it’s overwhelmed by all the bad stuff

you’re so selfish

and everything’s about you anyway isn’t it

everything that happens to anyone else, you make it about you

specifically, about how you are Wrong and Different and a Failure

how you don’t fit in and never will

how you should disappear

but it’s not even about you, it’s about them, even when you’re hating yourself you’re fucking self-centered

and you think about how you are when you drive

and how arrogant you are with other things

and how you’ve been blaming it on inheritance, but it’s yours, those are you, you’re the one doing them

every day you choose to be pathetic.

Ugh

Nothing is normal. Everything’s different. Why can’t things just be normal?