• Got up at 7:45
• Had protein shake and morning meds

Mood is Bad. I feel exhausted even though I woke up naturally. I hate myself. Everything reminds me of why I am a waste of space. I got to thinking what I would be remembered for if I died tomorrow, and the answers were “nothing” and “stupid, meaningless stories.” What is even the point of anything.

Whee, depression. I have taken my pill. Maybe a walk would help. I really don’t want to go on a walk, which probably means I should.

• Read one chapter of a fanfic
• Got dressed in workout clothes
• Went on 31-minute walk

I walked down to the river thinking it would be pretty, and it was, but there were also a billion people there because it’s Sunday. I found this very annoying. Still, I think the activity and sunshine helped some.

• Took a shower and got dressed
• Told Sean I was going to make noise in the kitchen so if he wanted to sleep more he should go to the bed; he seems to have decided to stay up
• Emptied and loaded dishwasher
• Hand-washed items that aren’t dishwasher safe:
  • Metal baking pan
  • Big knife
  • George Foreman grill top

This was very tiring. I stopped to breathe deeply a few times while scrubbing the grill.

• Finally put vases from flower arrangements away (they had been on the counter since the flowers from my hospitalization died)
• Sat down at my computer to rest and write this update

I kind of want to go to sleep now.

• Read another fanfic chapter and ate two Oreos
• Cooked a HelloFresh meal for lunch: Jamie Oliver’s Shrimp and Rice Salad

This took me about an hour and 15 minutes. The recipe estimate was 35 minutes, but I am slow. I clean up while I am cooking, so maybe that adds time.

It came out really well. The recipe calls for cilantro but I threw that away because I hate it ;) Otherwise I followed the directions. Sean said, “Oh wow, this looks amazing.” (He loves shrimp!) It’s pretty neat, it is pan-fried shrimp on a bed of basmati rice, shaved carrot, green beans, and mint leaves that have all been tossed in a light sauce of low-sodium soy, olive oil, garlic, ginger, lime juice, lime zest, and a small, seeded and chopped red chili. I will have to remember this one.

I am feeling more cheerful now, probably because this recipe was so successful.

• Ate lunch while reading online

UPDATE: Sean did not actually care for the food! He thought it was too minty (which to be honest I did too) and he also thought it was weird that the rice (the “salad” part) was cold. I am not sure if he would have liked it better if everything was kept warm and there was less mint. Maybe? He did like the shrimp, the shrimp were fine. But all I did to the shrimp was fry them in a pan.

Sorry, Jamie Oliver.

• Put away the leftover rice (there was a ton; did I accidentally make a whole package when I was only supposed to make half? Anyway we both ate all our shrimp but had like half a plate of rice left)
• Put our plates and the cookware from making lunch in the dishwasher and started it
• Did some more reading and chatting online
• Spent some time with Sean and napped afterwards
• Got up at around 7:15 and decided I did not want to cook
• Picked up KFC for me and Taco Bell for Sean
• Read an extremely satisfying fanfic (great characterization of General Hux, I must say) while eating dinner

I was going to do chicken tenders but Shane’s and Otter’s were both closed. WHY. I have gone over on pretty much everything today thanks to this, but since I do pretty well most days I have decided not to worry about it. Also, the counts aren’t accurate because I don’t eat the skin when I get fried chicken, so it’s probably less sodium than I logged. Here’s the breakdown from MyFitnessPal:

Come to think of it, I was actually almost 1000mg under on sodium yesterday. So this is just making up for that ;D

I seem to be feeling rather chipper now. Quite the difference from earlier.

• Continued reading stuff online
• Went to bed around 12:30

October 20, 2016

Still depressed, but I managed to shower and get dressed at least. I took all my meds and supplements and weighed myself, but I did not track my food intake. I also wrote a story based on a prompt. It was okay.

I took a brief nap in the afternoon, then called Kathryn. I felt better after the phone call.

Lunch was Starbucks. Dinner was a lighter take meal from Maggiano’s.

I wore my new Star Wars t-shirt, a light blue one with a print of the circus-style poster from the 1978 re-release. I love it. Kathryn helped me find it online :)

October 21, 2016

• Got up at 9:30
• Drank protein shake and had morning meds
• Showered and got dressed
• My period started like clockwork at 11:30
• Went to the grocery store and bought a ton of snacks, as well as stuff I actually needed

When I was at the store I became upset when I saw an endcap display of fire logs, because fireplaces mean home to me and Sean and I don’t have one. Then I thought about making pumpkin pie and that made me sad too, because I do not have a big family to eat it.

I am, at time of writing, upset over a picture of a 47-year-old man who until I saw this picture I did not think much about other than “yeah, he’s a good-looking fellow.” The picture in question shows his hand, raised flat to his lips with a cigarette between two fingers. His hand is large and his fingers are thick and I was instantly struck with two thoughts: 1) This man is extraordinarily attractive; 2) His hands are like Dad’s.

Do I suddenly want a man like Dad? Do I want to replace Dad? What am I supposed to do about this Dad-shaped hole in my life?

• Brought in groceries and put them away, feeling self-piteous
• I don’t remember the rest of this day to be quite honest but I know I did not go for a walk or anything
• Oh that’s right we went to AJ’s for dinner and I had the grilled grouper salad
• We also had key lime pie
• I stayed up until 1:45 am but I wasn’t doing anything productive
• I also did not track my food intake, and I ate lots of the snacks that I got from the store

October 22, 2016

I got up and had my protein shake and meds and messed around online until it was time to go to therapy. I did not shower.

Therapy was good. I think I learned something about myself and how I communicate (or, rather, don’t communicate).

After therapy I came home and made myself lunch: PB&J, yogurt, and strawberries. Then Sean and I went to Alpharetta to meet William for a one-day-only screening of Shin Godzilla. It was actually the first Godzilla movie I had ever seen, so I don’t know how it compares to the old ones, but it was pretty interesting. The pacing and the focus on people doing things in conference rooms would probably bore a broader western audience. (To be honest, I was in danger of falling asleep a few times, but I wasn’t feeling well.)

After that we ate at a restaurant right next to the theater called Kona Grill. I thought it might have Hawaiian food but it was more like Japanese-American fusion. I had their fish of the day, grilled sea bass with white rice and mixed vegetables. Sean started with edamame and then had clam chowder and a Cuban sandwich. William had a chicken caprese sandwich. Their sandwiches came with sweet potato fries, so I nicked a couple of Sean’s. For dessert I had a huge passionfruit creme brulee and Sean and William watched me eat it ;P (It was amazing.) After that we all went home.

I was feeling pretty good by this point, so I solicited prompts from people to combine into a single story. While I was waiting for prompts I called Kathryn and we talked for about half an hour, and it was really nice. Then I worked on writing the story until bedtime (while eating an entire sleeve of Oreos >_<). I went to sleep at around 11:45.

This was the third day in a row that I did not track my food intake.