Heather Meadows – Page 95 – p i x e l s c r i b b l e s

Deciding to decide

Growing up, I had many ideas about motherhood: what I believed was important, goals I hoped to achieve, things I wanted to do for my kids. I wanted to be like my mom, first of all, and think of fun and educational activities that would keep my children engaged and prepare them for life as adults. As I got older, I started thinking about what I’d feed my kids and how I’d keep them exercising, and that’s at least partially why I get so upset with myself for being out of shape. Because it was also important to me to practice what I preached, and not expect anything from my children that I didn’t expect from myself.

I wanted to have a large home with a swimming pool and a game room, and I wanted to host my children’s friends often. I wanted to make healthy and delicious snacks for all the neighborhood kids and provide them a safe and fun place to play after school.

Travel was also very important to me. I wanted my kids to see more than just the town where they were growing up. But I didn’t want to be constantly moving and taking them away from their friends; I just wanted to broaden their perspectives. When they got to be in high school and college, I wanted to send them to study abroad, and take in exchange students.

I wanted to foster in them a love of community and a desire to serve. I planned to take them to retirement homes and hospitals and other places where they could volunteer and meet people and brighten someone’s day.

I also wanted to teach all of them to know their way around the kitchen and how to do their own chores, and to enforce it–and in recent years that plan included implementing some FlyLady methods.

I wanted to take them places where they could learn: Shaker Village, astronomical observatories, big cities, small towns, historical cities, museums, beaches, forests…anywhere that practical learning could take place.

My goal was to make sure that my kids grew up safe and happy with the knowledge of how to enjoy life, and with a strong curiosity and love of learning.

Another one of my notions about motherhood was that I wanted to absolutely make sure I had my kids before I was 30. I wanted to be a young, “cool” mom. I wanted to be able to keep up with them, sure, but I also wanted to be able to relate to them. Not so I could be their friend instead of their parent, but so I could understand what to say. Somehow, I always thought that 29–the age my mother was when she had me–was too old to be beginning, that by then I should already have my kids.

These ideals have lasted this long because “before I’m 30” was always so distant…but as I continued into my 20s, I started to see that things weren’t quite going to work out the way I’d planned. Sure, I knew somewhere inside that things wouldn’t be perfect. I might not be able to provide all the trips and recreational activities and educational tools and such that I hoped to–money, space, compromise, those and more factors could easily alter the end product. And I knew after three rounds of chemotherapy that it was possible my ovaries and eggs were completely shot. But somehow I still imagined that I would find a way to have my cake and eat it too.

So now here I am, 29, no kids, no plans to adopt or even to ask a doctor if there isn’t some sort of aggressive treatment we might try. Up until now it’s always been treatment to bring my body to a sense of normalcy. The goal wasn’t pregnancy; pregnancy was a marginally possible side effect. Given my FSH levels at last check, I am a little afraid of making pregnancy the goal, but Sean and I also haven’t committed to having children. We haven’t planned for it at all. Up until now, the idea has been that if it happens, it happens.

But I’m 29. I don’t know if I can just bounce around anymore waiting to see if something will happen.

I don’t know that I want to start trying to adopt immediately or anything like that. I just feel that it’s time to take a larger measure of control over my potential parenthood. Even if that just means deciding to wait. At least then the waiting will have been a decision and not simply the natural outcome of doing nothing.

Apt?

Heather —

[noun]:

A deadly strain of projectiile vomit

‘How will you be defined in the dictionary?’ at QuizGalaxy.com

Via the BFF.

Reasons Earth 2 was brilliant

1) The utter disdain in Devon Adair’s voice as she reproaches the interrupting O’Neill, “I’m putting my son to bed, Commander!”

2) They never do tell you who it was Bess thought about. Because that wasn’t what was important. Here was a show where when there was trouble in a marriage, it didn’t automatically end. Here was a show that dealt with choice and consequence. Here was a show with people with real feelings and real emotions who made real mistakes and then had to live with them–and who chose to fight instead of taking the easy road.

3) Terry O’Quinn.

4) Tim Curry.

5) Devon and Danziger. Especially the scene where they’re tied up and Devon has to grab the canteen with her mouth.

6) Real children, and real parents. These aren’t adorable, model children. These aren’t scenery. These are kids with real personalities and motivations, who don’t always know what’s right, and who react extraordinarily realistically to being stranded on a planet with none of the luxuries they were used to. These are kids whose actions often drive the plot. These kids are characters!

7) Alonzo grinning when Danziger asks how old he is, and responding, “A hell of a lot older than you, kid.”

8) Deadly viruses that come not from the new hostile environment, but from something that happened years ago and light years away.

9) The Grendlers. They could have just been boring, stupid, and ugly. But they’re complex, motivated, friendly with a twist–their love for the taste of human blood. And then there’s that episode where their “humanity” is incontrovertibly shown…

10) Danziger’s apology to True. I cannot describe how attractive a good father is.

11) The amazing shot framing. I am constantly impressed by how plot elements will stay framed in the background, even when the action is in the foreground, or how receding action will remain framed by something related in the foreground. And then there are scenes that are just pretty.

12) The concept of a planet’s life forms having direct symbiosis with it. Sure, it’s an obvious environmentalist statement…but it’s also rife with story possibilities. Especially when you throw in the human factor.

13) How a story that seems fairly simple continues to become more and more complex, yet retains the themes that make everything still seem simple.

14) Fantastic props and costumes and set pieces. And who knew New Mexico was that beautiful? (I’ve never been there–sorry New Mexico!)

15) Morgan Martin, one of the most interesting characters I’ve ever seen. He’s not a hero in many ways, and yet in other ways he is. Most of all he’s real. He’s real and he makes all kinds of mistakes. But he’s not comic relief–or if he is, that’s not all he is. He’s a main character. (Side note: the actor who plays him is named Gegenhuber…was the writer of Kyou Kara Maou a fan?)

16) Exploring what it means to be genetically designed for something and to have other, seemingly baser motivations. Exploring various ways of dealing with criminals–exile, mind wipe–that aren’t really possible currently, but are just as rife with ethical dilemmas as the procedures we have now. Exploring so many science and social possibilities, all within the framework of real people stuck together on a mission gone sour.

17) Discovering things we take for granted about planetary life for the first time: wind, rain, snow.

18) The VR. I know, it seems to randomly appear after Julia uses it to contact Reilly…but it’s just so cool!

19) Reilly: You must tell me where you are so we can come and collect the child. Who knows? When you do, maybe the Council will name an entire continent after your family.

Julia: Yeah. Maybe they’ll call it Hell.

Fat

I bought a new shirt yesterday. Weirdly, it smells the way my college boyfriend used to when he’d get home from his shift at McDonald’s.

Can’t really explain that. Think they have a McDonald’s in the sweat shop cafeteria?

The shirt also represents defeat to me, because instead of actually looking like something I would wear, it’s big, black, and mostly formless. It’s my way of finally admitting to myself that this new second tire around my midsection isn’t going away, that it causes all my cute shirts to ride up, that I am obese and embarrassed.

I keep thinking that I need to do something. But it occurred to me recently that maybe I haven’t been as proactive in life as I thought. I was at lunch with a person I’m still getting to know, and one question spawned a rehash of my life story. Everything’s connected in my mind. At first I thought that was just how it was, but now I’m wondering if it’s because everything I’ve done in my life has been reactionary.

I’ll get into this in more detail later. The point is, have I ever really managed to be consistently proactive? Or is my life simply a series of fits and starts and falling back into old habits?

Okay, Highlander is awesome, but…

$249.95?!

That comic looks badass, and the cover art is beautiful. I’d really like to read the story.

But $249.95?!?!?!?

Sure, right now it’s $149.95, but is that really any better? It’s still ridiculous.

I’d pay $35, maybe $50. Maybe.

I guess I’m just not hardcore anymore.

Professional detachment

So I’m sitting at work, updating various things about tonight’s special election and some exciting news about two carjackings that happened on the same street within about an hour of each other, when my boss asks me if I’m wrapping up.

“Yeah, just waiting on video,” I said, as I was still recording the late newscast.

“Well, when you leave, make sure someone walks out with you. You know, those two carjackings.”

“Oh yeah!” I said. They had occurred rather close to the station, hadn’t they?

Finally those two realities–the fact that there were carjackers out there, perhaps two groups of them, and the fact that I was far from home in the middle of the night and I was going to have to walk to my car–came together in my head, and slowly and steadily I began to freak out.

As I was clocking out, Female News Anchor made some comment to me about the election and I somehow managed to respond, though at that point I could care less about whether there was going to be a recount in the narrow victory of Broun over Marlow for the runoff with Whitehead. I wanted to get out as fast as possible. I hurried down the hall to the newsroom, which seemed oddly bright and cheery for 11:30 pm, and I gazed around at all the happy faces, looking for someone to escort me.

Jeremy came up the hall at that point, and he’s a decent-sized guy, so I said, “Want to protect me from carjackers?” and he laughed and said sure and walked me to my car.

I thanked him and he started turning around too quickly for my comfort, so I practically flew around the car and jammed the key in and leapt into my seat. All around it was dark and quiet. Anyone could come running out of the night and try to take my car. And those carjackers, at least in the first incident, had a gun!

A car appeared on the road behind me then, so I left my headlights off lest the driver realize I was there and then, once it was past, flipped on the lights, slammed the car into gear, and jerked away from the side of the road.

The drive home was surreal. I decided to avoid my usual route, as that was the road where both carjackings had occurred, but the alternate route was dimly-lit and eerie. My eyes darted back and forth, looking for predators in the shadows. I stayed in the inner lanes whenever possible to make it more difficult for someone to suddenly run up alongside the car. When I came up on other vehicles, I tried to drive so that the drivers wouldn’t be able to see into my car and tell I was a girl.

Every time I thought about relating my terror in writing, it threatened to overwhelm me, and I had to growl at myself and shake my head and force my hands not to grip the steering wheel.

Finally I pulled into my parking lot. But did I feel safe? After all, one of the carjackings happened in an apartment parking lot, and the other in a man’s driveway. How could I think that anywhere was safe knowing that, even if both events had happened across town? They found the first car but not the second. If I could have driven across town in that time, so could they.

And of course, my usual spot right in front of our door was taken because I was so late in getting home, so I had to park a few doors down.

I decided to walk along the railroad ties holding our landscaping in place to get to the door, rather than walking around the cars in the parking lot. And it was with much paranoia that I fumbled to get my key in the lock.

But I’m home now. Home and safe. I suppose.

If my boss hadn’t mentioned an escort, I probably wouldn’t have even thought about the proximity of the carjackings to my workplace. But after she did, the fear consumed me. Funny, that.

The Date(tm)

I really like this date thing Sean and I are doing on Saturdays now. It gives us a reason to get up and get dressed and go somewhere and be together.

Yesterday we went to Fujiyama on Washington Road. We’ve ordered 2go-Box from there before, but we’d never actually been to the restaurant. The ambiance was great. There’s a little bridge over a fish pond out front, and inside there’s plenty of woodwork and shoji-esque windows and electric lanterns. There are hibachi tables and regular tables and a sushi bar. Unlike how the interior of Kurama used to be before it burned down, the hibachi tables aren’t all in one place, but instead scattered around the building. Each hibachi room is separated from other rooms by architectural features such as door frames, though the pathway is wide open so you can see from room to room. The lighting isn’t overly bright, either. The shoji “windows” along the wall where we were sitting were backlit by lightbulbs so it looked like daylight was shining through them. Kinda neat.

Unfortunately, the tempura wasn’t very good…I think we just prefer the batter at Mikoto. The dipping sauce didn’t taste quite right, either. Too much soy I think.

Sean’s sushi was great, though, as usual. He loves their spicy scallop rolls. I ordered the seafood udon because my throat was sore, and it really helped. It was very tasty too–there was some sort of fish in there, shrimp, crab (probably imitation) and scallops, plus mushrooms, onions, and that weird soft white thing with the pink outline that tastes good, but I can never remember what it is. Good stuff, but very filling…I ended up bringing most of it home.

After dinner we went to the new hhgregg to see about a flat panel television. American Express had a deal recently where they gave away 30 Sharp flat panel televisions for $800 each, instead of the MSRP $3000. We tried to get in on that but were unsuccessful. That whetted our appetite for a nice big flat panel, though, so we decided to check out hhgregg’s sale, which included an HD-DVD player and 5 HD-DVDs for each flat panel purchase over $1000.

After looking at all of them, a particular Sony model stood out to us as having the best picture, and it also had essentially all the features we wanted. We left and came home to research what people online thought of that particular television, and to see what other places were charging for it. Then we went back to the store to haggle.

Ultimately they didn’t come down enough on price for us to feel comfortable buying it, but it was fun to research together and talk about what we wanted and run around together and make the decision together. I know this sounds like a really routine thing, but Sean and I are such independent people that we often just do things individually, so all this togetherness was really nice. I’m not the type of person who needs her husband to be there 24/7, but I do miss him when he’s not around :)

When we got home we snuggled on the couch and watched a few episodes of Friends from seasons 6 and 7, took a break in the other room for awhile ;>, and then watched Hikaru no Go DVD 8, wherein the pro exam preliminaries begin. By the time we finished it was somewhere around 2 o’clock, so I reluctantly went to bed while Sean got into some serious WOWing.

All in all it was a really good day :)

I’ll take that as a compliment

Work Friend Sam: I saw you marchin’ out there. Did you need a ride? If you ever need a ride you can just ask me.

Me: Oh, no, I was trying to get some exercise.

Sam: You don’t need it! You get plenty of exercise typing on that keyboard!

Me: I wish!

Sam: You don’t need any exercise. You’re a pretty woman.

Me: Well, thank you.

Sam: I know here in the South it’s hot, but at least in the northern states you want someone you can snuggle into.

A Night with Cal Ripken

Hey look, it’s Cal Ripken!

Funny story. So my boss gave me a ticket and wristband for the Party Pavilion at the GreenJackets yesterday. I had no idea what was going on; I just heard “ticket to the GreenJackets”, and I’ve been wanting to go see them play, so I jumped on it.

Little did I know ol’ Cal, who owns the GreenJackets if you didn’t know, was there to throw the first pitch of the second game of our double-header against Asheville.

That’s as close as my digital zoom + actual zoom lens would get me, alas. I was set up at the furthest end of the Pavilion, in a raised area near a canopy, seated at a bar table up against the wall. It was a great position for viewing the field, though terrible for seeing the scoreboard, which was over my right shoulder.

I sat there through the end of the first game, the first pitch, the National Anthem, etc.

Here’s Mr. Ripken during the Anthem.

I was taking photos of the team warming up and getting the game started when all of a sudden a white-shirted Ripken security guy came up to me. “Ma’am, could you move down from there?”

“Oh, sure!” I said. There hadn’t been a sign saying not to sit there, but I’m not the type of person to be obnoxious. I grabbed up my stuff as quickly as I could to get out of the way. The crowd was kind of roiling before me, so I skirted around them, belatedly noticing the security guard holding everyone back to my right. I jogged around him quickly when I saw him…and then I realized that Cal Ripken was right there, coming up towards the platform from my left.

Ah-ha.

I stopped at a picnic table a respectful distance away and realized that the crowd had formed into a line, leading straight back to where I had been sitting. Cal Ripken took my seat!

Okay, so that’s not the exact chair I was sitting in…but still.

I snapped a few photos while Ripken posed with people in the line for other photographers and signed baseballs and bats and things, then I moved away to try to find a spot to actually watch the game. (Imagine that!)

I ended up sitting near a family–two sisters, I think, one with an adolescent daughter and the other with an almost-two-year-old. They were fun, albeit annoyed that people were lining up for Ripken when he was apparently supposed to go from table to table.

He did that a little later, at one point hanging around talking to Augusta mayor Deke Copenhaver, who I refer to as “Dekey” in my head. (And online where everyone can see, apparently.) At one point they shook hands, which would have totally been a money shot, but I missed it. Here’s Deke’s back though!

He’s the one in the yellow stripey shirt. You really can’t tell, can you?

A huge thunderstorm started rolling in at that point. It took awhile for it to start raining, and in the meantime the clouds were beautiful.

When the rain finally started, the Pavilion emptied pretty quick. (It may be extra speshul and whatnot, but it doesn’t have any cover.) I stood in the rain just enjoying how it felt–it had been a hot day so the cool rain was refreshing without being shiver-inducing.

Finally I heard some thunder, so I decided to get out of there. I hurried back to my car, willing the lightning not to strike me. It worked and I got home fine :)

Apparently the game was delayed 45 minutes due to the rain, but the Jackets won, so it’s all good. I just wish I could have seen more of the game!

I likes me some teenage daredevils

Last night I dreamed that Kaitou Kid was my little brother, and he kept all his magic tricks in our basement. Our basement looked more like a cave than a basement.

When I found out that he was Kaitou Kid it was because he wanted to talk about his latest escapade. This made me very mad. I told him, “You’re making us accomplices.” He didn’t seem to care, and was completely unafraid of being ratted out…which was naive of him because all my instincts were screaming at me to call 911.

It happened that the police figured it out and he had to leave to escape capture. They came to search our basement and couldn’t find anything. I remember being relieved that I hadn’t had to call the cops on him directly.

Later, our mom, who was not my real-life mom but someone closer to Brooke’s mom, was out at a Kenny Rogers concert when she got a phone call. It was from my brother. She was on stage and everyone in the audience could hear her through the microphone, so when she slipped up and called him “Terry” everyone heard her.

“I mean Bruce,” she corrected herself.

After that I was simply observing as Kaitou Kid, who of course was now Terry McGinnis, dodged some crazy tentacle-like spears underwater with his bat suit, and the thought occurred to me that my dream-mom had totally outed Bruce Wayne.

Don’t give in and go sour

I just heard what may or may not be the theme for the new Transformers movie. (Autobots are watching over you!) Willis describes it as “awesomely terrible, and reminds me of ‘Turtle Power’ in almost all the right ways.”

Ah, “Turtle Power”. Do you want to know something horribly embarrassing about me? Back in the day, I loved TMNT. No, I mean really. I wanted to be Donatello, enough that I had gender issues in gym class when it came time to go to the locker room.

Anyway, it always bothered me that I could never be Donatello because I wasn’t male. (The parts about not being a ninja or a turtle were secondary I guess.)

But then Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles–the movie–came out. One day I was sitting in the family room listening to the music over the end credits, and it happened. There was a break in the music, and the rapper spoke these words like a blessing:

“If you stand for what you believe in, and have the strength to do what’s right, that’s Turtle Power.”

…

So there it is, one of the most life-affirming moments in my adolescent years.

The pointing and laughing may commence…now.

Waiting for a Fare

by Antonio Scarpacci

Waiting
for a fare.

Here comes one now.
Oh, it looks like he wants to go someplace far.

What?
You just want directions to the lighthouse?

It’s right there, you stinking little tourist!
What are you, blind?
Hey! You’re gonna lose that finger, pal!
Get in! I’ll drive you into the cold, dark ocean!

Waiting
for a fare.

(Yes, my Wings season 4 DVDs arrived today. How could you tell?)

Japanese(?) in Smallville

In episode 18 of season 5, Lex and Lana are coming back from their first date, if you can call researching various and sundry classified documents about space aliens over Japanese food a date. Lana tells Lex he could have warned her about the squid brains.

Lex responds, “Oh-EE-SHEE kara DAY SHOW”, which I am guessing was supposed to be おいしいからでしょう, though I’m not sure. A quick Google search reveals that that is in fact a phrase. I’ve never heard anyone say it, but I’m guessing it could mean something like, “Because it was good, right?”

(おいしい = delicious, から = because, でしょう = kind of a copula with an opinion connotation, I guess. Jim Breen sez “(I) think; (I) hope; (I) guess; don’t you agree?; I thought you’d say that!”)

Lex’s next line is “Come on, you can’t fool me. You loved it,” which is sorta-kinda a translation.

It occurred to me that he might have been saying 塩辛, but I definitely hear an “o” at the beginning of the phrase. Besides, what would 塩辛でしょう mean, anyway? “It was totally entrails, man”?

Anyway, I’m not knocking Michael Rosenbaum, who is a fabulous actor (not to mention totally hot). It’s hard to get the pitch inflection of Japanese down right. You have to work to overcome the natural tendency in English to put stress on the penultimate syllable.

I just always find it interesting when people speak a language I’m somewhat familiar with :)

I feel good

This whole walking thing is really what the doctor ordered. Each day I feel like I can do more.

Yesterday I felt great. My morning walk seemed to take less effort, even though it was hotter. At lunchtime I got antsy and went ahead and walked back to my car, then realized I had a good 40 minutes left…so I drove down to the North Augusta Boat Dock and Fishing Piers to look around.

I was ecstatic as I wandered around the piers snapping photos. It felt like it had been such a long time since I’d really gone on a photo jaunt. Feeling healthy and energetic made me want to do all the things I enjoy and haven’t done lately.

I was having such a good time, in fact, that I recorded–and later uploaded!–a video of myself.

Last night I had to run an errand, so I couldn’t go biking–and it actually started to rain on and off after work anyway. But I still managed to cook dinner, which I ate while watching some Detective Conan. I went to bed on time at 10:30 and woke up this morning naturally at 7 (though my not being able to breathe due to congestion might not be the most “natural” way to awaken).

So far this is going really well. I plan to keep my good habits going into the weekend, though I haven’t decided how yet. Biking, probably. Once I’ve adjusted to doing this I hope to add other things to my schedule that I’ve been meaning to get to, like a couple of web design projects and my Cowboy Bebop game for the AMRN.

It feels so good to be active again, even if it’s only a 15-minute walk here and there. I’ll work up to more in time :)

Trying a couple new things

I parked at a shopping center and walked from there to work this morning. It was a little warm to be doing that, plus it was all uphill, but I feel great.

The walk only took about 15 minutes, rather than the 30 I was expecting, but that’s fine, since I was huffing and puffing by the end. I’ll work my way up to 30.

I’ll either walk to my car and bring it back up here at lunchtime, or wait until after work to do so, since it’s usually daylight when I get off now.

Hopefully doing this will keep me getting at least a little exercise every day. Actually having a destination for a walk makes it much easier to commit to, so I’m thinking I should be able to keep this up.

I also packed my Fujiyama leftovers from last night into a new bento box I bought from Asian Art Mall, then wrapped the box up in a kitchen towel my mom gave me. It kind of looks authentic! Maybe the unique presentation will inspire me to cook/assemble a lunch more often.

I’ve been getting fond memories all morning of sitting at the low table with my Yatsushiro host family, eating breakfast–rice, eggs, vegetables, and various small items–and watching my host sister pack things from the table into her bento.

I’ll add pictures of the bento to this post when I get home from work.

Update: Here they are. Out of focus, boo!